Hi Ho, Hi Ho, Back to Therapy I Go

I haven't been back to see mr therapist in 3 months. I thought I could do it with the mountain of books, every day reading and truly amazing support groups online. *sigh* nope. I posted a bit back that I was on track, it comes and goes in waves, now back to the bottom of the coaster.
I think I mentioned that it has all to do with C-PTSD, let's see, dad narc, first husband narc and last Loon-a-tic, off the wall narc. So many years of abuse that I thought I could just snap my finger and get over it.
I am not having flashbacks, the 2 big things that are bothering me is the numbness still, not happy, not sad, not mad, not really anything. The other part that is really scaring me is the disconnect I have with the kids. I feel my brain is protecting me in the event Loony does something to the kids. They say psychotics will stop at nothing to hurt you through the kids and there is not a fucking thing I can do, he is their father and the courts will give him visitation. Do I feel that he would hurt them? I had NO clue he was this nuts while I was with him, I wouldn't put anything past him.
I still find myself second guessing, even though I now have the freedom. It took me a whole day to book a hotel room for me and my daughter next weekend, because I have always had to ask "permission" to do such things and then wondering what would he do if he found out, that controlling aspect is a tough one to get over, however I did book the room, and dangit, I am going!