He's winning...

He's winning and I'm failing. It's been 2 months. I haven't heard from him. He has been giving me some sort of a "silent treatment". I think he believes I'm crazy. The good thing is, this time I'm not begging, emailing or texting. So why does it feel like I'm still being punished then? He initiated NC, it wasn't my choice, we were supposed to spend our summer holiday together but he completely cut me out of his life overnight. It was my chance to break contact and start healing, also I knew that reaching out to him would make me "hoover" and I think somehow he wants me to beg and plead and act crazy so he can tell me how bad he thinks I am. The truth is I don't know what he's thinking and it shouldn't matter. There will be no closure. I know it and I have to deal with it on my own. I don't want him back. So why do I feel like he is still in control then? I cry and feel depressed, I don't know why he hates me so much, I don't know why he loves her so much. I'm not jealous, I just feel inadequate, unlovable and boring. Sometimes, I feel that if I was a better person, a more interesting, more fun, more charismatic woman then he would have treated me differently or at least the same way he treats her. I feel pathetic for not being able to move on and respect myself enough to be indifferent to that man. I hate being like this. It's not good. I think about him everyday, I think of what I would tell him if I saw him, I try to think of witty come backs and ways of shaming him. I think about the few good times we had together. I don't k now why I stayed in this toxic relationship, and why I am still questioning whether it was all my fault. I don't know what there is to like about him but I still do. Terrible CD. I wish I could erase him from my memories.
Thank you for understanding my weaknesses.