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he's back online

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#1 Nov 22 - 5PM
MissM
MissM's picture

he's back online

It's been almost 5 mths since he silenced me, and way back then I discovered he'd deleted his Chat account.

He's been on my mind non stop lately. Almost to the point of anxiety attacks coming back, guilt, self blame, going thru every moment again and again.

Then tonight, I had a look for his name on Chat expecting to see 'account doesnt exist'. Only there it was, again.

I can't describe how I feel. Sort of comforted that he's out trawling again and not loved up blissfully with someone? Anxious that he's checking if i'm online? Stupidly hopeful he'll come back a new person? (yeh right.)

I've never properly got past how he just cut me off. I feel like i'm damaged goods, someone a good man wouldnt want if he knew why ex had silenced me.

It's just shit. I thought i was getting better and stronger and now i'm back to square one.

Nov 23 - 9AM
MissM
MissM's picture

thanks everyone

Barbara - I know, no contact. I don't think he'd ever contact me anyway, and i'm over the hump of desperately wanting to text him. Thing is, it's not facebook or IM. It's a mobile phone network site and you really can't see who is signed in when. I went thru that crap with a true N some years ago and its why I don't do FB or MSN. I won't contact him or look for his account again. What this has done is bring home how much i've only stifled and repressed the feelings and experience of being ostracised by him. Time has passed that's all, everything is still there underneath and untreated. Does he hate me? I know, WHO CARES but that doesn't help me right now. He isn't just a N, there is no neediness about this man. He's cocky and glib - a sociopath. The feeling of being hated by someone I did nothing to is overwhelming and always will be.
Nov 23 - 2AM
Marie
Marie's picture

MissM

I have been there. My N cut me off totally too. He had a Facebook account and when I checked his friends list there she was the OW. But where was I? Of course he wouldn't add me to Facebook, didn't want me to know all the names of his lady friends or get to really know them or any of them me. In the beginning when he cut me off I became obssessive about checking online for him. I'd leave my name signed on for hours but not once did that bastard sign in. I even began spying on the OW's activities. It was bad and it really hurt me. As hard as it is the best thing to do is never look for him and keep your own name blocked from him seeing you on so he can't contact you. The only way to heal is no contact and that includes not looking what he is doing. At a point I stopped looking and blocked my name, it was the only way. Good luck!
Nov 22 - 6PM
Ellen
Ellen's picture

I know that feeling

Hi MissM, I know how you feel 'I've never properly got past how he just cut me off. I feel like i'm damaged goods,' You probably are damaged goods now after that who wouldn't be. I feel like i am but i am on the mend. I also go over and over things in my head. I just go with it knowing that i wont feel this way forever. It's cos the whole experience is so unhealthy that we try to make sense of it i suppose.
Nov 22 - 6PM (Reply to #2)
MissM
MissM's picture

ellen

hi ellen it's like having a dvd on loop. Odd thing is I'd suddenly snapped out of the pattern a few wks ago and now i'm right back at it. I'm scared he's back online and looking. He'll know i can see his name is there again. In this frame of mind, i'd fold if he contacted me. I know he won't but just knowing in my head that i'd cave in is terrifying. We have to try make sense of things to break them down into small enough pieces to flush away. Why tho can we not treat them with the disdain we would show to anyone else who treated us so badly?
Nov 22 - 6PM (Reply to #3)
destiny (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I can relate Miss M. I'm

I can relate Miss M. I'm not sure if you read my most recent post and what happened when the Narc rejoined a networking site I was on and then promptly unfriended me...I reacted. but because of the whole mess my therapist now gets it...so it wasnt all lost or a setback. I also keep thinking of what I did to Narc to cause him to cut me off completely... but you know what think of ALL they did to US...to push us to the level we were at. It is 4 months since the breakup ...or should I say since he cut me off and walked away...and rewrote history. Try to take it one day at a time. I know all too well what it is like when they resurface. Unless you have gone thru this...you cannot relate. It is not anything like an X showing up online...it was waaaay different and goes much deeper. I struggle with why I allowed XN to treat me the way he did..and wont allow it from anyonelse. Stay strong and be prepared as you can be if contact is made...just ignore. “It's not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.”
Nov 22 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

why did you check

this is only hurting YOU and your RECOVERY! now you are back to square one NO CONTACT! ___________________________ The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off. - Gloria Steinem