HELP. Why can't I get that he won't treat her differently?

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#1 Dec 16 - 4PM

Caligirl

HELP. Why can't I get that he won't treat her differently?

I read about OW, but I still think if she is super sweet, nice, and loving, he will treat her better. I just found out my exNP connected with a woman a couple weeks after we split up, added her then on FB. He delivers stock to the store she manages. She's 10 yrs older than us, 53, slightly heavyset, wears glasses, blonde, but has a pleasant face. We look nothing alike. Now, she is on the fb of various family members, his sister and her kids. His sister immediately snubbed me when we first met. When he told his older sister I was "the love of his life, she said, "Oh really?" She is heavyset too and I'm thin. I only point this out because it came up in our relationship, as I discovered his ex's were typically large. Of course, I received abuse.

After all the emotional abuse, I started to question the lies, contradictions, things I would hear that didn't add up. Of course that lead to ST, me being a "bitch," etc. He never once reassured me! When we were apart, he wrote all these beautiful scripts, complimented me, made promises. Once I moved to his state and moved in, almost no compliments. The sex was mechanical and emotionless. I rarely saw him. I began to try harder and wondered where I stood. If I asked him something about the past, what he said, and what I'd heard, he'd rage. Will he treat this new woman better if she is nicer, sweet, and doesn't make waves by asking him any questions or calling him out on his confusing behaviors? I REALLY NEED HELP with this. I think she could be the one...the new "love of his life."

#2 Dec 17 - 1PM

greengirl91

I wanted to make a post about

I wanted to make a post about this recently, listen, exN now is triangulating the second OW (the one he cheated on me with) with a new Woman, the new target. This new girl, just yesterday said to him some stuff that I`ve been repeating for a loong time!! I happen to know her as an aquitance. "Love the way you lie" sort of lies!! It`s THE SAME GAME!! Sometimes I find it hard to believe too, but it`s the same reaction, at least to the point when you start really investing your soul, heart in it. It`s all up to how much can you take.

#3 Dec 16 - 8PM

Done sourcing

Won't be too long til he

Won't be too long til he tells her she's too fat and that you weren't, as he tells you she is nice and blonde and you are mean and brunette, or whatever else pops into his narchead. Won't it be great when you feel deep down in your psyche, "who cares what this sick shit says or does or thinks or feels"!!!!!!!!! That day will come if you work the steps and stay nc and no response. ds

#4 Dec 17 - 10AM (Reply to #36)

Goldie

I totally agree DS

You nailed this one. Same script; different movie. God bless, Goldie

#5 Dec 16 - 7PM

Layla

Time to stop looking for what he is doing.

Hello Caligirl. I see you have been on this site 34 weeks. How long have you been NC? 100% No Contact. I ask this because until you go NC 100%, TRUE NC 100%, you will NEVER ever get over this PDI. I read this post of yours twice and I was getting more and more angry. This PD treated you horribly. You did not deserve this treatment he felt he was entitled to dish out AT ALL. Caligirl, the way he was on his WORST day with you will be who she will see as well. This doesn't really matter though, and it truly pains me to think of one more innocent man or woman being subjected to even a fraction of what anyone of us here has already seen. It sickens and saddens me. You really, really are going to have to cut this PD out of your life mentally if you are ever going to heal. You need to focus on Caligirl getting better and healing. Thinking about this OW is only serving to keep you stuck. Do you think you deserve to be stuck?? I don't! I think you deserve to feel confidant, at peace and hopeful in all things. This is what I really think. Please stop looking at FB and dwelling on this OW and him. Start looking toward YOU. love~ Layla

#6 Dec 16 - 8PM (Reply to #31)

Caligirl

Layla, thanks

Yes, just today I said I feel stuck. I just saw this yesterday, and perhaps it will be eye-opening to help me move on. I would hope the same abuse doesn't happen to her. My experience was harrowing, having been abused in so many ways, including sexually. I didn't post all of my story here. I also had a medical issue and was vulnerable bc I had little or no support. I still struggle with it and due to my *** probably makes it worse what he did. You are right about losing the PD from my life. I wish I could just forget, bc it is so painful. That is what we all share and why it is so great we can come here. What a blessing for us all! xx

#7 Dec 16 - 9PM (Reply to #32)

Layla

Let me offer you a virtual hug!!

Hey there again....I too was abused horribly by my N he happened to be my husband and he abused me in all ways possible including sexually and physically I never want to be with a man again I feel so damaged and I know one day I will be healed but it won't be for a while....I have been NC now for almost 7 months and some days it feels like some of the memories are too much to bear for me.....we'll be alright Caligirl.....hang in there I offer you a big virtual hug!!! love~ Layla

#8 Dec 16 - 10PM (Reply to #33)

Caligirl

Layla, thank you for the virtual hug!!!

Right back to you! Thanks for saying we'll be alright too! I've been NC 8 months. It was so bad that I had to leave while he was gone. I moved far away, and he doesn't know where I live. I tried one last time before he was leaving for work to talk, he was sleeping in his truck because he wanted to, but he raged at me, threatened me, blackmailed me, grabbed me and covered my mouth. I went back in the house and that was the last time I ever saw him. He had been rejecting me anyway very harshly. He did call a few times, but he never left a message, and my phone wasnt working, no ringer, no missed call sign, and I missed most of those calls. I loved him very much. I probably would have tried to help him had I stayed. I am in another state though and now have learned about everything I was up against! I was starting to put the pieces together there. It is ironic, but I think probably a blessing that I left when I did. I have to believe we will heal, even though at times I know I will never be the same and my heart has a permanent wound.

#9 Dec 17 - 1AM (Reply to #34)

blueworld

cali

being in seperate states had a huge impact on my ability to heal at ten weeks nc now and i think the feeling knowing i wont run into him he is STATESS away and i sent him there when i threw him out of the condo.

#10 Dec 16 - 7PM

Hunter

The answer is yes, he will be

The answer is yes, he will be as abusive to her as he was to you.. But let me ask you this...why do you care.. How he treated you is what is important.. I remember your story .. This guy is a freak.. Be glad he's with her .. Poor woman..what's in store for her is not going to be pretty.. And deep down you know it.. Your suffering from a bit of CD.. PS.. Stop snooping.. Contact = Pain.. what does should not concern you .. Hunter

#11 Dec 16 - 8PM (Reply to #25)

Caligirl

Hunter

Good memory, yep, he is the freak and a sexual deviant, though his public image is the "wholesome" Christian boy, assistant preacher's son. NOT. I think, as you say, I still have some cog diss. Ugh!! He is like the King of Spin, no joke. I think I figured if she was so close to his sister, she might be spared king spin's wrath, haha. I do not wish it on her. Also, if she were fully compliant and kissed his butt would she be spared. I've been working on my self-esteem, but it's been tough. I even read about using post-its with your good traits on them and I do that. Maybe I'm still accepting the blame, which he turned it all on me in the end (even started saying how my marriage was and blamed my divorce solely on me which was nothing like what he said). In that case, perhaps his voice is still with me, and I'm struggling with the question "Was it me?" :( Thanks, Hunter! xx

#12 Dec 16 - 8PM (Reply to #26)

Hunter

CG

Ok time to STOP.. Turn this around.. In fact I'm a little surprised to see this post.. You have been doing amazing.. Just roll with it.. It's a bad day for you.. It will pass.. No it's not you.. Hunter

#13 Dec 16 - 8PM (Reply to #27)

Caligirl

Hunter

I guess the OW threw me into a tailspin. Honestly, I thought I was just doing ok. Thanks! It's been a crappy couple of days, lots of tears!! I've been pretty down lately, but turning it around!

#14 Dec 16 - 8PM (Reply to #28)

Hunter

Guess what my friend??

Guess what my friend?? Contact = Pain.. You will turn more quickly this time.. Hunter

#15 Dec 16 - 11PM (Reply to #29)

TNR1

Hey Cali...how do you know so

Hey Cali...how do you know so much 8 months out about the OW? Or are you remembering things from 8 months ago? If you have any links on FB to anyone in his family or if you are even able to look at their pages..please stop. We convince ourselves that somehow 'knowing' is better when all it does is give us more pain. I stopped looking at Mr. Ns FB page about 3 weeks ago and I can't begin to tell you how freeing it is to not know anything about what he is up to. It's really none of my business anyways since we are over. I think you will find it much easier to move on if you block any and all connections.

#16 Dec 16 - 6PM

needing2know

Like everyone is saying is so

Like everyone is saying is so so true!!! It is a lie!!! Make no mistake she will get what you go 10fold! It's all good now or so it seems because they are in the honey moon faze as it's called. Please know and understand, she is not the one , no one can be the one! She is there for the moment and nothing more, Stop looking at his shit, stop checking on him, they know you will do that so they will make it look like they are having the time of their lives just to get you one more time! STOP and worry about YOU now NOT that POS!

#17 Dec 16 - 6PM

Amazed

They are lie and lie and lie

You are seeing the ow as a normal person, they take advantage of people all along. He is ditch her just as soon as he needs to, what you see is all an act, and it will never sustain. Trust me. Do not stay in touch with the OW, do not care about her, do not care about him. Learm about these criminals. When you understand what you are dealing with, you will know, and not give a crap what lies they tell others, you know all they do is lie. End of story.

#18 Dec 16 - 6PM (Reply to #20)

Caligirl

Amazed, good point!

He lied to me, so why wouldn't he lie to her? I did not trust at him at all toward the end. Thank you! xx

#19 Dec 16 - 8PM (Reply to #21)

Done sourcing

The mask will always fall,

The mask will always fall, but some people might take more abuse than you could. You will get to a point where you will just be grateful he is someone else's problem and not yours. By the way, he already isn't your problem, you just aren't quite ready to see it that way yet. But you will, and that will feel very bueno indeed!

#20 Dec 16 - 9PM (Reply to #22)

Caligirl

DS, I really never looked at it this way

He will be her PROBLEM. And yes, I'm not seeing yet that he isn't mine. I think this may be from what they call the trauma bond. Sometimes, well maybe all the time, I feel this connection, like a dark cloud hanging around, like he'll always be there. I've heard about cutting these chords. I've prayed for them to go away. It's been a long, tough journey. Thank God for this forum! It's been mostly reading and coming here. Thank you for your insight. xx

#21 Dec 16 - 6PM

Amazed

They are lie and lie and lie

#22 Dec 16 - 5PM

blueworld

cali

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2011/11/26/basic-rights-relationship

#23 Dec 16 - 5PM

blueworld

cali

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2011/11/30/pain

#24 Dec 16 - 5PM

blueworld

reread some of this

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2011/11/28/record

#25 Dec 16 - 5PM

Blessed

Caligirl

"Will he treat this new woman better if she is nicer, sweet, and doesn't make waves by asking him any questions or calling him out on his confusing behaviors?" Yes, he may treat her better UNTIL she fails to live up this impossible and insane standard of never having a VOICE in the relationship!!! Your description of his behavior with you is appalling!! You deserve SO much more!! Seriously. Put him in the past and look forward. xo

#26 Dec 16 - 5PM (Reply to #13)

Caligirl

Blessed, thank you. What you said about

not having a voice, yes! I felt I was not allowed to have one. She looks very demure, doesn't even look directly at the camera and never smiles big with teeth showing, kind of like him come to think of it. Thank you for validating my experience too! I lived w/ him on that truck for over a month, and it was pure hell, tortuous, at times felt like survival. He played many mindgames, back and forth, criticized, while I tried to jump through hoops. xx

#27 Dec 16 - 5PM (Reply to #14)

Blessed

Please forget about his

Please forget about his family, OW, and in time, this nasty mean Narc. Put your loving energy into you. He does not deserve a moment of your time. Healing is painful, we are all in the same boat here. No more peaking on FB. Okay? xox

#28 Dec 16 - 5PM

blueworld

used posted this

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2011/12/16/ow

#29 Dec 16 - 5PM (Reply to #6)

Caligirl

Thanks, Blueworld

Both articles were very good, but she looks so demure and nice, like a mother-type (he seems to like that). She does stamping and is religious. Will they be happy because she's everything he is looking for? Maybe it was just all of our unresolved issues and my questions that he abused me, slandered me and then erased me.

#30 Dec 16 - 5PM (Reply to #7)

blueworld

what does a abuser want?

Cali believe me read my other posts i have ripped myself apart with thoughts of the ow but what does every abuser want? a loyal dog someone easily manipulated and silent a weak broken trusting person so easy to control they pick their supply wisely i assure you he isnt just talking to her there are cell phones internet places they are not together it is a act its saving face! its painting a false reality for others to see so he can still be a snake in the grass! nothing is going to be different you saw and experienced who he is , who he really is he cannot hide that forever and he cant stop being who he is because that is WHO HE IS everything you went through with him was real everything he did and said was real he needs a easier target that wont be strong!! you were strong! you said "ummm..this isnt right" "this isnt ok" "this is fucking bullshit!" over and over in your head you fought the relationship knowing he is a fucked up individual and you wanted out! it is their abuse their words left inside of you making you beleive it was you! its projection at its finest and trust me i thought about it to but then i LAUGH and i laugh hard because knowing what i know now? i know he is spinning im content alone by myself im free! im happy and i am going to heal he wont look at what the character shows you relationship to relationship they cant be alone! and if they are with someone they are looking already for others! more the merrier! its the thrill of the kill for them they are so mighty and powerful lol power rangers just popped in my head anyways dear heart no no no no no NO it will not be different it will be the same if not worse!

#31 Dec 17 - 10AM (Reply to #9)

Susan32

What does an abuser want?

I think they either want someone who's easily "tamed"... they want someone who's codependent, placid&pliable. Or they want to share their life with another abuser like themselves. Whenever I stood up for myself, held my boundaries (sometimes trouncing his in the process), the ex-Psych would accuse me of being a narcissist. He'd talk about how he admired Narcs. I think he wanted to share his life with another Narc, someone with whom to share the "thrill of the kill." Sometimes Narcs end up together... my maternal grandparents were that way.

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