Help sisters..

32 posts / 0 new

#1 Oct 24 - 1PM

greengirl91

Help sisters..

What is wrong with me?! I was feeling fine, really did. Tommorrow I have to meet someone to show me a possible new house, in which I want to live, during my study time. And I have to be present.

And guess what?..Yes, I checked him out again. I didn`t break NC, but I hate myself for this, and get a state of anger again.

I was feeling quite fine let`s say..the last days were a bit troubled because of a visit from my N cousin nad his new woman, and he terribly reminds me of ex N! They showed me pictures, and later that night, I broke down and cried, because I remembered stuff, remembered him and so on.

The weird part is yet to come. After they left, I caught myself lingering before going to sleep, and when I turned the radio, there it was, one of his songs "So far away from me" by some band. I could swear I felt him then and there..God,

Later these days, if some of you remember my before posts, I noticed some weird changes in my fb profile. The same yesterday, my option with "Search friends" from the menu had dissapeared. I checked the security activity, to see if someone has logged into my account, beside me.

And guess what? It did. Later that time, when I had those "missing-you-like-hell-moments"!..

Ladies and gentlemen of the Jury, shoot me, but I wasn`t even angry. I knew it could be him from the moment I noticed the changes. If for other stuff I could blame my paranoia, there it was, completely other location from my country. It couldn`t have been me, because I was home all day, and didn`t even got much on computer.

And then, the curiosity got me and I checked on him, nothing new, but a quote from Fi*ght Club about life and living. But just saying, I still hate myself for doing this.

And I don`t understand..why does he do these things, to isolate me from people, to torture me, to not let me forget him at any step?..

I missed him badly these days, and as someone said, even if they are such crazy creatures, we`re still connected someway. I swear sometimes he has a sixth sense, and knows when I am trying to let him go, a bit more!..And he comes back to lure me.

Because that is exactly what I was trying to do, to focus even more on my life, and completely try to set him free. Because maybe, if my heart keeps calling him, (though "she" knows perfectely the truth, still cries after him somedays) maybe he is not free either.

I have to completely let him go, to set him free, and to set myself free. Though it never bothered him, he was free all the time even when I wasn`t.

The weird state is..I`m not even angry if it was him, even when I have the proof now!! What is wrong with me..

You know, after all this time, I don`t wish him to burn in the flames of hell or something, just to leave me in peace. But he does these things on purpose, breaks my boundaries, has no respect for them!

I don`t think I reached indifference yet, but I feel like he`s trying to keep stopping me from flying somehow. Last week or so, (if it was indeed him and now I think it was) I should have had a home. But I got dizzy in the head with all the thoughts, and the place had arleady been sold within hours.

He is the one who preaches that life should be lived, because it passes shortly (from fight club), THEN why on earth does he try to stop me?..

He is allowed "through fantasy rights" to screw whoever and whomever he wants, whenever he wants, and he is STILL the one who complains now? About not living?? Welcome to my world Narckie. 5 freaking years, of soul tossing.

I`m not his toy, and he is not God to own and control me. I will proceed to change my passwords and email (for the I don`t know what time :| and it`s very possible for me to leave fb for a while.

Thank you for listening, any support is highly welcomed..I think he`s trying to drag me down again..but the strange part is that I don`t feel bothered by that anymore x.X Is this how indifference should feel like?..because I don`t believe I reached that level so quick..I`m in the second NC month.

I don`t know what is it with me, I have moments when I feel so..dead

#2 Oct 25 - 1AM

5kdznme

You're going to be ok.

I am very new at this, but I think that's what I would want to hear. You're definitely not alone. I've only been apart from my husband (this time) for 5 weeks. We have five kids and he finally came to see them a few days ago - quiet the whirlwind - it was not pretty, but yet last night I had to fight everything I had to not call him home for a booty call. Yeah - am I friggin' crazy?? It's what has done me in every single time. I plugged through and made it. And when loneliness rears it's ugly head and I remember him and all the nice times we used to have - I go into my journal - the one I'm now religiously writing in about all the mean, nasty things he's done to me and to us over the years and that keeps me in check. This too shall pass. About FB - mine's been acting wonky this month too. I don't think anyone is hacking mine (mine wouldn't even care enough to do so) but FB does have some things pretty screwed up at the moment.

#3 Oct 25 - 3AM (Reply to #30)

Syren66 (not verified)

See, now I'm thinking that

See, now I'm thinking that no-strings sex with the ex would be amazing for me. And then I pull my head out of my ass, the oxygen returns to my brain and I'm back to reality.

#4 Oct 25 - 6AM (Reply to #31)

greengirl91

Haa, how many times haven`t I

Haa, how many times haven`t I thought of that Syren? Or ANY other possibility of "us", but really..I am not detached enough to be just a "one night stand" with him, though only I know how many scenarios have gone through my head!.. But it just doesn`t work, it would only pull me even deeper, and deeper. And besides, he wouldn`t want "to fall in love" either, as much as a person like him, can be in love :/ See? Dead End situation.

#5 Oct 25 - 12AM

gettinbetter

Holy Crap! did I read this

Holy Crap! did I read this right? he tried to log into you facebook account? How can you tell if someone has tried to hack your account?

#6 Oct 25 - 7AM (Reply to #28)

greengirl91

Nobody else would change the

Nobody else would change the order of my inspirational people, or delete stuff, or change my security options, than a sick mind who enjoys this!.. Password changed once again, is getting kind of funny really, you know usually when you log onto FB, there are 4 menus on the right, "home" "profile" "look for friends" and "my account". The other day, in my account there were only three menus :))..whatever, silly stuff that can pass as "accidents". He wants attention, afterall the summer is over and during winter, he wants those worm hugs back. But no more :D

#7 Oct 24 - 6PM

Tigerlily

Green Girl

The details don`t matter. Really they don`t. They are an irrelevant waste of your time and energy. I`ve read a lot of your posts. You are a highly articulate, highly intelligent and very aware young woman. There is always a "little girl" part of us that is horrified and immobilized by these monsters games. But I do not believe that you are still immobilized. Sometimes it is easier to remain so, it is less work. And there is comfort in the role of victim - one doesn`t have to do anything. Obsessing about him is unhealthy. Start obsessing about YOU! Dead, I know that. It is numbness. The only way to escape it is to start focussing your attention on you! So what does Green Girl want? What does Green Girl need? What is Green Girl`s focus in life? What makes Green Girl happy? It costs strength and discipline, but you can break out of this, Green Girl. You are very strong. Cut those thoughts off and concentrate on you. Good wishes Tigerlily

#8 Oct 26 - 2AM (Reply to #25)

greengirl91

Tigerlily, thank you so much

Tigerlily, thank you so much for your kind words! In the moments when feel like falling, is a bit hard to shut out all the negative voices in my head. Your words come like a worm hug to me now. You are right, that is exactly what he is trying to do, keep me down to this "little girl" level, show me who "the master" is. I have lost contact with old friends or common aquitances that were hurting me, without even realising it, or sometimes intentional, by continuously talking and mentioning him. It`s hard to start all over, from a blank page and to fill a the book of our life. But we`re still here, and still alive aren`t we? And still fighting for a better future. Thank you for your support, lots of peace and blessings in your recovery as well! GG

#9 Oct 26 - 4AM (Reply to #26)

Tigerlily

You`re worth it, GG.

And you should be EXPECTING and GETTING that from everyone, and booting those out of your life who can`t or won`t give it. By the way, I think you mean "WARM hug" (I`ve never been hugged by a worm - hey, come to think of it, maybe I have!). More hugs and loads of laughter for you today! Keep going strong.

#10 Oct 24 - 2PM

peanutbutterfrogs

The triggers

Certain songs, certain movies I won't watch for quite some time. I have taken to listening only to cd's that have songs on them that won't remind me. Maybe you have that option? Of course, we can't control the world, and we can hear a song anywhere, but be careful. It is weird how music especially pulls on the emotional strings of our heart. Stay busy. Interact with others who know him for what he is. I must admit. If you see me here on this forum,it is for one of two reasons, either I saw someone else who needed a word, or I needed the strength. I had in my profile "I come here, so I won't go to him" and it is true. Be strong and have courage. We are all here for each other, draw strength from the words of wisdom from other men and women on "The Path Forward" and know you aren't alone in this journey. *Hugs*

#11 Oct 24 - 2PM (Reply to #21)

darling.girl

Trigger songs knock the breath out of me

peanutbutterfrogs, I cannot listen to most of the songs associated with the narc. There are times when I'm out in public with my husband and I hear one of those songs, and I literally gasp like someone punched me in the stomach. My husband notices my reaction, and asks what's wrong. It's so difficult having an intense emotional reaction, and then having to try to minimize it. The songs that grocery and drug stores play are some of the worst. They must have some buyer behavior expert who knows what songs make people feel empty and lonely, so they consume more to fill up the emptiness inside. I just try to hightail it out of the store as soon as possible. Anybody else have this experience? Heavy metal is seeming like a good choice, for now.

#12 Oct 24 - 3PM (Reply to #23)

indenial

darling girl

I am totally unable to listen to any music right now ! Not even upbeat or empowering songs ! Just reminds me of everything about him because I relate every song to him and many of the up beat times remind me of all the times I've felt strong and empowered which I can't quite get back in touch with feeling right now ! I feel I'm grieving badly today. Up and down but mostly down. Its a horrible feeling and I tiresome battle. My heart is engulfing my head right now :(

#13 Oct 24 - 3PM (Reply to #22)

peanutbutterfrogs

Remember

That narcs know (even if on a subconcious level) how to get inside our heads and emotions. I would almost bet they've studied marketing strategies, and look at all the things out there that teach a guy "how to win any woman you want" I started staying away from everything that reminded me of N and know it is what I have to do for now. Fist in the stomache? oh so many times, and the only thing I know to do from the advice from here is too white knuckle it, get busy, come here, ANYTHING to not respond. Let intellect guide you. We are in such turmoil after the N that really we can't trust our emotions. LOL, and it IS so hard to feel romantic with heavy metal, but then there is angst... How about kidsongs? Zippity do dah, zippity ay,...

#14 Oct 24 - 2PM (Reply to #19)

greengirl91

That is how things are for me

That is how things are for me as well. I was busy these weeks, trying to solve my own problems, not his problems anymore. And me too, I try as much as possible to avoid triggers, from movies, music I used to listen or show to him.. Because they twist it, and you get an entire different meaning of it all! I remember once, I dedicated/showed to him, some of the most sensitive and beautiful moments from my then favourite band, a short intense moment. Or I put for him, "Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton, because the guitar riff, was so amazing, so beautiful. And he favourite it too. And then ruined the moment, by giving a comment about some singers boobs :|:|:|..I was like.."whaaaat..that`s all you can say?".. But yeah, thinking now, he did it on purpose to ruin it, to mock my feelings. Thank You, for your support Peanutbuter, and all the best in your journey!

#15 Oct 24 - 3PM (Reply to #20)

peanutbutterfrogs

You'll get better

Because you can. Thank you, you've been just as helpful to me and others. I couldn't do it without people like you.

#16 Oct 24 - 2PM

Sparrow

No.........where is this

No.........where is this coming from? Your doing so good, don't let this little blip set you back. Remember what I told you before? You have an incredible journey ahead of you! There is NO ROOM for him in your new life anyway, so, be gone with him! When you feel him creeping back in, just say out loud "YOUR NOT WELCOME HERE". Hang in there sweetie, you are just feeling a bit over whelmed with all the changes, the newness....don't be though. Look at it all as an adventure! This is just the beginning for you my friend! Just the beginning! Stay strong! Hang in there!

#17 Oct 24 - 2PM (Reply to #17)

greengirl91

I have this huge smile on my

I have this huge smile on my face right now, thank you so much beautiful Sparrow! And I`m glad to hear from you :-) Me, yes, sometimes I mess stuff up, and sometimes he messes them up for me. But you know, I`m striving and trying..and sometimes things get to me. There have been a lot of triggers, the new woman of my cousin, kept almosst parading her new pictures and memories with my cousin, as if, "haha, look, look"..and I remembered of the bad times and D&Ds with Narcboy and any woman..but enough of him, so much energy we waste on these people, be it hate, or love, and that is exactly what they wish..to BE, to EXIST, to not be forgotten. I guess that`s what he wants..attention. By the way, I heard a beautiful song by Peter Sallet or something, called "Fly Sparrow Fly", and it reminded me of you :-) Thank you for you support!!

#18 Oct 24 - 1PM

Emma

My xN dedicated Rascall

My xN dedicated Rascall Flatts ' I won't let go' to me... Seems ironic considering he used to disappear every fortnight!

#19 Oct 24 - 1PM

dulcinea441

It's crazy the sorts of

It's crazy the sorts of defences we have to shore ourselves up with to escape these nuts, isn't it? Leave one crack in the wall and they'll lay siege to your little castle of peace and sanity in whatever way they can. Just more proof of how sick they are and how much damage they do. I know you feel like you've been set back, but you're gaining in wisdom and self-preservation whenever this stuff happens. I believe in you, sister! Stay strong and fight on! Hugs, D.

#20 Oct 24 - 2PM (Reply to #14)

greengirl91

Thank you Dulcineea for your

Thank you Dulcineea for your thoughts, this is so sweet of you to say! In moments like these I tend to lose myself in Narcville again. Too many triggers in a while, but hey, the journey must go on, right?..Our journey. It is true especially that we gain insight, but I wish I could stand tall and have a voice of my own, on my own two feet. All this mess and stress takes so much soul from us.. And after all this time, it`s like this psychic chord, like he comes when I want to brake away some more!..Like a shark smelling the blood from miles. And the sad part is..that sometimes me, the prey, misses that damn shark.

#21 Oct 24 - 1PM

Hunter

HEY GUESS WHAT?

We forgot about to talk about the narcs for a while! :D

1
2
next
last

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews