Help with NC

10 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Feb 8 - 2PM
daisyme
daisyme's picture

Help with NC

hi all. it took me a while but i'm *finally* understanding the importance of NC. ;-) Right now, I'm really confused and frustrated about how to manage it when there are unresolved practical matters. Does anyone have any thoughts to share on this?

My story is posted, so won't get into the gory details. In a nutshell, while I was out of town tending to family matters, my ex-N started another relationship and moved her in to the same house that we were living in. He has "forbidden" me to go back there. After 7 months of duping me into chances of a reconciliation through long-distance phone calls, he changed his number, disappeared, and went NC on me.

Aside from the emotional trainwreck, I'm still on the other side of the country, my belonging are still there, and amongst other things, there's the matter of a massive sum of money that I lent him on a verbal agreement (yes, I'm a total idiot!). I'm not strong enough to see him (although I want to) as I'm working through the muck of still loving him (I know, I know). On top of that, in true N form, this is a similar situation to what happened with his exW years ago, in which he became physically violent when she tried to see him and reclaim her stuff. Only now, I'm in the exW's position and he's replaced me with the OW.

Cripes - are they really that f**ked up and predictable?

I'm weighing whether to wait it out and go there when stronger or just get it over with...

thanks all for any input you have to share...

Feb 9 - 8PM
hedidntbreakme
hedidntbreakme's picture

if you can

let it go...the same thing happen to me...in my case, i gave $thousans, and thousands and thousands of $. When he D&D me, he took EVERYTHING HE EVER GAVE TO ME....AS WELL AS "SPIT IN MY FACE".....well that's another story. i never asked for any of it back, never wanted to see him ever again, changed all my numbers, etc....1.5 years later....he returned everything he took in the same bag he took it away.... He calculated this from the time he took it....i guess what i am saying to you, is he will allow you to get your stuff but right now your sanity is important...they are very predictable....sit back relax - it's all in his master manipulating plan.
Feb 10 - 4AM (Reply to #9)
daisyme
daisyme's picture

hedidntbreakme...

1.5 years later....? sheeesh. have you ever seen those old-school cartoons where one character looks at another and a bubble pops up over his head filled with $ signs? I wonder if thats how the N views us sometimes. A bank account with legs.
Feb 8 - 7PM
daisyme
daisyme's picture

thanks for the input

I feel like such a fool. *&^$**!! The irony is that he used to say that I was too trusting with people. Meanwhile, here i am, six-figures out-of-pocket and he's driving my car, carrying on life as usual. Ugh! I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt and thinking that he can't really stoop so despicably low. WRONG. It really is an N power and control thing, isn't it? Their inflated sense of entitlement reeks. I guess they play by their own rules, no matter how ammoral. thanks again for the support. I'll focus on what's important - safety, sanity, clarity - and then try and figure out the next steps.
Feb 8 - 10PM (Reply to #6)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

whoa whoa whoa

He's driving your car? Why and how is that happening?
Feb 10 - 3AM (Reply to #7)
daisyme
daisyme's picture

sick of it... it happened...

...through being suckered by finely-tuned N moves that have been skillfully crafted over the years.;-) I had relocated from my home state to live with him. When I was back in my home state visiting family, he found new supply and moved her in but conveniently "forgot" to tell me. Instead, he pulled the classic N moves of making sure that I was far away physically but also emotionally hooked in though empty promises of "wait a little longer to come back" and "I'll come see you instead". Did he care that I was ready to get on a plane to come home to him? Nope. Or, that I am/was without a place to live? Nope. Too busy securing the new supply while maintaining the conveniences (car, etc) and benefits of the old supply (me). Freak!
Feb 8 - 4PM
momoya
momoya's picture

get some distance

Get some distance first, get yourself together. Stay NC. Get to a place where you aren't feeling the pain so much and not feeling wounded. That may take a long while... Then, get past the anger. What has happened to you is terrible. If he is capable of doing that to you after all you have done to help him, do you really think he will make it easy for you when he already changed his numbers? Not likely. Take care of YOU 1st and then worry about the rest as it comes. best!!

momoya

Feb 8 - 3PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

A couple of things are

A couple of things are important here. More so than money or belongings is your personal sanity and safety. I am a person who lost everything in terms of "stuff" and at least a couple hundred thousand dollars. Three and a half years later, I can truthfully say the stuff and the money were a hideous loss, but losing it is not the end of the world. Losing myself would have been, literally. Second, if you GAVE him that money with a verbal agreement, you have little if any legal ground to get it back from him. Even if it is clear as a bell to a judge and jury that you were basically ripped off, the law is the law. You'd have to prove fraud, which means you'd have to have written documents/contracts. Ask me how I know about these things :( Yes, they are that f*cked up and predictable. Retain a lawyer and tell him the situation, and get advice on the best way to involve law enforcement to get your belongings. The money you lent him is probably a goner. That is a very bitter pill to swallow, I know :( Stuff can be replaced. YOU can't. You can get more stuff. Identify what is the most important things you need to retrieve, things that can't be replaced. And be willing to let go of all of it. I guarantee you, from personal experience, that it is MUCH easier, less hellish, to just let it go. It's up to you to decide, and best of luck to you :)
Feb 8 - 3PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Daisyme

Good luck with that. Kiss the money and your stuff good bye. I have David Yurman jewelry and expensive cloths, shoes etc. (that's because we werent having a relationship) he has never sent it back or brought it up. I will not ask for it. Why? Because that's exactly what he's waiting for. He waiting to devalue me some more, he has the control over the items. Get it? If you can live without it do so. All it's going to cause is more grief to you. He will make you beg, I promise, and with that being said you still won't see one penny. It's how they operate. You've been Narced and losing money goes with the territory. Hugs Idealk
Feb 9 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
hedidntbreakme
hedidntbreakme's picture

aint that the truth...You've

aint that the truth...You've been narced and losing money goes with the territory....you aint never lie!