Help, I am struggling with something can someone give an answer??

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#1 Apr 8 - 10AM

neverlookback

Help, I am struggling with something can someone give an answer??

I have been struggling with this one for a while now, and its a biggie, its the same struggle we ALL must work through but maybe someone can can offer some relief, maybe you can share how YOU overcame this.

Last night I googled his name, hey at least I am not on FB, cut me a break, ha ha seriously he is a sheriff so many many things popped up, his pic for one, that sent me over the edge, he was standing by his patrol car at the scene of an accident, my heart just sank when I saw his pic. Then his property taxes came up, and all that crap so I clicked on it, and it had pictures of his new home being built two years ago. I LOST IT, started that deep hysterical crying. What came to my mind at that moment was him promising us a life together and here he was building a 1/2 million dollar home for himself, and when it was completed guess who moves in with him, ya the GF of 8 years. Now wait, hold on I am NOT jealous of his GF, I have worked thru all those issues knowing I am not better or worse than her in anyway, and she most likely has NOTHING that I dont have, oh wait ya she does she has a psychopath.... anyway

Why I broke down was because of the UTTER BETRAYAL this man did to me, I think back during that year he was building his home and how he would take me by and show me different stages of the construction when I would visit him, I found it odd that rather than living with his GF while his home was being built he lived with his mother, mmmm guess he needed his freedom for F ing others but then again, its strange they started living together 24-7 after the home was built. The entire time he was conning me he was tending to his own personal life and he and gf were building this home as I sat and thought maybe it would have been us that shared a life and lived in that home. I think this is a NORMAL human reaction to always wonder WHY WASNT I THE ONE, why was I just his side whore, when I had EVERYTHING his GF has and hey who knows even possibly more.I find it interesting too that even after 20 some years of marriage to these men like poor Jaycee they can dump you and run off and share a life with another woman, but it wasnt the case with me being the OW, he chose to stay with his long time GF. However, would I really want that on my conscience? To break up their relationship and see her suffer and have him dump her to the curb? See her suffer as Jaycee has suffered? Knowing too that the bastard would probably keep going back to her and every other woman he wanted to screw.

This man pursued ME, I dont go chasing after men that are married and are in long relationships, he made it clear their relationship was NOT GOOD, of course and that they just more or less dated, while I was crying, missing him, thinking we were going to have a life together the F was building a new home to share with HER, and clearly in my mind if you want to put the truth on the table he only wanted me for his sexual perversion he does on the side. I studied music at a private college I was raised in upper class so to speak, I took ballet for 15 years, and this man could only see me as ONE THING, A WHORE, I JUST DONT GET IT????????? She isnt the Madonna, I should have been the fricking Madonna, he had it reversed. Every single man I ever dated told me I was a very very classy woman, reserved and refined, never in a million years would I imagine a man trying to turn me into his sex slave and whore, I cant even begin to describe how degraded and worthless this man made me feel. I walked around for a good year thinking, oh I am only good for one thing - F'ing - I am attractive and I can F, that is all I am worth. So after I lost both my parents and met him I walked around saying, I am nothing but an orphaned, adultress, slut. eww wouldnt my parents be so proud of what their daughter became!!!

I still suffer because I am STILL trying to get validation from a disordered person, I am still trying to make sense of how a disordered person thinks and trying to make sense of what he did to me for almost five years, it will NEVER make sense, but I struggle horribly trying to get past the deep violation and betrayal he did to me. When a person is betrayed on this level as we all have been, you put it in a category of TRAUMA, VERY VERY PERSONAL TRAUMA, it aint personal? Your damn right it was personal, because it was ME he personally did this to and it is me that now has to sift thru all this rubble and shit this piece of garbage left in my back yard.

#2 Apr 9 - 4PM

neverlookback

Thank you

for all your wonderful responses, I also thanked you under my new recent post. The bastard raped my life I dont need a court to find him guilty of that, in my own heart I know the truth and can testify to that and thats all that matters. I think we can put the betrayal done to us in its place and not let us eat us alive daily, When you play with a psychopath there are NO RULES, I have to stand back and remember just WHO I was dealing with because that is the reason this was done to me, there is no order with a disordered.

#3 Apr 9 - 8AM

onwithmylife

nerverlookback

As Yogi said you will never ,never,never, is that enough nevers get closure with these men, look I am over 2 years out with the man and had a dream of him last night, it is so sad and horrible, they are dsordered and will always be that way, you know that, but your heart has a hard time accepting it, but always remember do not ruin YOUR life over his sickness, IMPORTANT, DING< DING!!!!yogi is also right about your being way too hard on yourself, stop analyzing what you cannot, remember the serenity prayer, it says it all!!!

#4 Apr 9 - 4AM

jaycee

neverlookback

your name says it all, you do not want to be me in twenty five years, i understand all he promised and how betrayed you are, but they use and abuse everyone, how sad for the gf of 8 years how sad, for you, the one he lied to, but guess what you are the lucky one, you got away from him, even if it hurts now, believe the pain increases every minute of everyday......trust me, ive lost my mind and my soul, and to be honest, my intellect tells me, he will not be any better to her, no matter how much she can offer him, no matter how she has changed her body image, is getting new boobs and buying him a 300,000 condo, my intellect says she will suffer as well. and he will never be happy.....so i wish i could be in your shoes, even if the betrayal hurts, and is sickening, you are the lucky one, you are i envy you.........xoxo jaycee

Jaycee

#5 Apr 8 - 2PM

kizzy72

You were rapped

I hate to use this example but its like watching one of those Lifetime movies where someone has been raped, close to be killed or having someone close to them who has been killed by a psycho and they become obsessed over that person receiving justice, so much that it consumes them and you become confused about exactly what you feel, and then you go online and find out that person has gotten away with their crime and living free. These people (narcs, psychopaths, etc), unless they commit a crime that is a crime by law, never get punished, but the pain that they leave is no different than someone who has raped you, came close to murdering you. Imagine being held captive by a serial killer and what they would do to your spirit. You, like someone with Post War Syndrome, have been traumatized and it hurts like hell to see the person who traumatized you, living (or appearing to be living), comfy cozy and no punishment has been made. Its just as insulting as being actually physically raped, enduring a long trial to put your rapist behind bars and the jury finds the criminal NOT guilty, and leaves the court room looking at you with a smirk on his face. Sometimes what we feel is not jealous, but pure anger and rage, which can make us emotional and have that same feeling. But that "feeling" is us wanting closure, justice. Look at the movie with Kiefer Sutherland called The Vanishing. I always remember how he was telling his current girlfriend in the movie, that it was the "not knowing" that kept him holding on. I was engaged to be married and my ex-fiance, had me sitting here for two years thinking he was in the gulf war, when he was laid up with a wife over in Germany and the sick part is, his family was in on the entire thing of keeping his secret knowing I was sitting at home waiting for him, and for eight months he just left me hanging not knowing what was going on. Its hurtful because you have delt with a very sadistic person and worse, he's a cop. Sheesh! Basically an emotional criminal behind a badge. He's one of those types who will more than likely get married, and beat the crap out of his wife, and get away with it because he's a charming cop that everyone loves.

#6 Apr 9 - 1AM (Reply to #20)

neverlookback

Your reply

brought such light into my life tonight, you have also felt the utter betrayal as I have, waiting for a man you loved and all the while being deceived and played a fool. I loved something that never existed, he truly brainwashed me into believing there was an US, when in fact I never ever mattered to him in from day one. I dont think his GF much matters to him either because if she did this man would not live the life of a sexual predator behind her back promising women the world and only destroying their lives in the end. We can certainly conclude his job is to gain power and status and what better way to disguise yourself then a pillar to society that can only bring you closer to new victims. It reminds me of Gacy who dressed up in a clown suit because he liked little boys, what better way to get close to them so he could abduct them in the manner he did. You described it so perfectly, he raped me and got off scott free and I am sure he walked away laughing, he is all set now for a nice retirement from the county, plus a million he inherited from his mother when she passed away, my rapist was found NOT GUILTY. I will need to find a way to find peace with that as he is sipping an umbrella drink at his time share condo in Hawaii. As I lost my job of 5 years due to PTSD and just filed bankruptcy three days ago. I can only conclude that NOBODY gets away with the bad they do in this life, life has a way of biting us in the ass when we have done wrong and I believe that with all my heart. I will not be there to witness whatever comes his way but he has spent a LIFETIME doing this to women and others, maybe someone from above will see that justice is done or maybe what comes around goes around. Thank you, x0

#7 Apr 8 - 3PM (Reply to #18)

helldweller

kizzy

You are so right on with all of this. If I had not gone through it myself, I wouldn't believe what your fiance did to you. My narc's family, too, covered for him the whole time, even welcoming all of the other women to their family parties and babysitting the narc's child so he could go and screw any one of six different women. They knew me, knew he promised to marry me, knew my daughters who called them "uncle" and "aunt" and thought of the narc as their "papa." I begged them a hundred times to tell me the truth. They knew the narc lied to me about having cancer to get me back. They knew he had no intention of taking care of us or marrying me. They knew I was pregnant with his child. It kind of reminds me of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, where the whole family is in on the torture and murder of innocent victims.

#8 Apr 8 - 4PM (Reply to #19)

kizzy72

helldweller

Experiences like this will make you, over time, become paranoid of everyone, so please walk away. I carried that burden for 15 years because that's how long he played with my head. In and out of my life over and over again, and blaming me for everything that happened to him, even had the nerve to blame me for him getting married because I postponed our wedding, when in fact I postponed it because my mother was sick. Don't be like me and allowing this to go on and on for years because you will end up killing all the love you have inside yourself that you deserve to preserve for a healthy relationship. If you don't let it go, heal, then you will knowingly get into dysfunctional relationships because you become so paranoid that you rather be with someone you know is sick, than then blind siding you, and it just becomes a snowball of abuse, abuse abuse...........

#9 Apr 8 - 2PM

Steph

Totally understandable.

Totally understandable. You've been emotionally raped. Huge violation, like you say it is personal for you because he did it TO you. I get it. I don't know that there is any other to recover other than keeping up with therapy, NC and just riding it out. You will never figure out why he did this or that or what he was thinking etc. Experts can't even figure them out. They just aren't wired the same as us. They're like animals. Predators. They hunt because its instinctual for them, I guess. They stalk and hunt the first peice of meat that's the most convenient at the time. As long as they are being fed a satisfying meal, I don't think they give their meal a second thought. That's how I look at it, anyways. Hang in there! You sound like you are a strong lady!

#10 Apr 8 - 12PM

helldweller

neverlookback

I understand where you are so well. And yes, it really IS personal on our end, so very, very personal. The narc and I lived two houses apart when we met. We live in a densely populated neighborhood in Chicago and our block was mostly two-flats. He was living in a two flat with his brother downstairs and him upstairs, and he had just bought the two flat next door and was making it into a single family house for himself. He said he was hoping to get married and have a family to live in it. After just a couple of months, it was going to be "our" house, he said. I picked out all of the paint colors, approved all of the appliances he chose, and helped to paint the place. I had the front lawn done for $1400 and spent hundreds of dollars each year planting flowers and pots in the front and back yards. He even asked me what side I wanted the pantry door hung on to make it easiest for me to open if I had groceries in my arms. He told the plumber in front of me that he wanted a lot of jets in the shower "to make sure my baby's little private parts get clean." Double sinks, the whole deal, and a deck off the bedroom so we could sit and smoke and drink in the evening before bed. Thanks be to God he did not give this house to another woman. But he gave it to a four year old child--the son of a heroin-addicted prostitute. There are five bedrooms in it, but he said there was no longer "enough room for all of us" so we would have to wait to see if the child stayed with him or went back home before we moved in. He said he'd had no choice but to take in the child (even though dozens of other families wanted him), and he really thinks I believed that there wasn't enough room for the five of us. So the child has his own room (which was going to be my daughter's room) and his own bathroom, and the narc has two offices, when he went on and on about how he was going to give me the beautiful, sunny front room as my "writing room," something I'd never had in twenty years of authorship. The entire basement is full of toys, and in the evening they sit outside and grill and make fires in the firepit I gave him as a housewarming gift. My daughters and I were never invited over. Never set foot in the house after it was actually done. One of the most difficult things for me is that he gave his whole life to this child--not just any child but a high-risk, volatile child. It makes it hard to reason that he can't commit or doesn't want a family when he has given his whole life to this child. Every day I feel that my children and I weren't good enough. It's insane, I know, but it's so hard to not think that. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Whenever I pass that house, it's dark. They are never home. I remember the dreams I had about living there, about having dinner parties and family over, and Christmases and Thanksgving. I remember when we talked about having babies and that we should carpet one room so it would be quiet as a nursery. He was lying the whole time. For me, it was massively personal. It was my whole life, my whole heart, every dream I had that I was gambling on him. I didn't think for a moment back then that it wasn't going to happen. I, too, am the woman everyone calls "classy," "elegant," a great woman, sophisticated, a wonderful homemaker, hostess and (best of all) wife and mother. I was all of those things to him, too, until he d&d d me, without my knowledge. I slowly began to realize that he no longer wanted me on his arm, no longer wanted our kids together, no longer wanted to eat my cooking or enjoy my home, no longer came to my parties, no longer wanted my children on his lap. I was good for one thing: cocktails and blow jobs. I look at that house and I know what colors the walls are. I know what everything looks like. I know what it smells like and how it feels. I will never set foot in it again, and it was going to be our family home for the rest of our lives. It's a nightmare.

#11 Apr 9 - 1AM (Reply to #15)

neverlookback

Helldweller

What a loss of a beautiful dream, what a trauma to your life. Know that this loss was all due to his disorder, all the beautiful dreams you thought you could live out with this person, thrown away - it never ever had anything to do with you, always remember that. I try to remember the reason our relationship ended was because he was a very sick man. Seems it makes no difference the good qualities we poses, no matter what we were it could never satisfy a disordered person - It feels like such a loss doesnt it? Even though we KNOW the person we lost was BAD, all our hopes, dreams, and what we thought it was, never existed. THAT is the TRUE loss in my mind, the loss of hope. I will have to say I would rather be alone than be with such a person no matter how much he had. I find happiness just being at peace in the past three months with NO CONTACT, this man literally tormented and tortured me and that is not worth all the money in the world to live in that type of existence. x0x0

#12 Apr 8 - 9PM (Reply to #14)

ifinallygotit

helldweller

Wow - you are a powerful writer! your brutal honesty is extremely helpful to me as i struggle to accept reality and struggle to practice NC. I have a bit of a house nightmare too. His house is a mile down the street and he left town without telling me (last summer) with some of my things still in the house. I have to pass very close by it frequently (thankfully it is a side street so I cannot see it). It makes me feel victimized passing near it knowing he did not respect me enough to even to tell me he was leaving or give me a chance to get my things. It is a nasty reminder and I just hate passing near it but there is no avoiding it. So... I am considering moving. I am sorry about us never getting our dream houses with these guys but aren't you glad now? I am so thankful that we did not live together. The trauma would have been so much worse. At least I can change my environment if I choose to. His house now represents darkness to me - I will never go over there ever again, even to pick my things up. Too creepy, what he did to me. I wonder if there are other women's things there that he did the same thing to? Unfortunately, I think there is...at least jewelry. ugh - maybe he keeps souvenirs???

#13 Apr 8 - 9PM (Reply to #13)

ifinallygotit

helldweller - ouch i can relate to everything

#14 Apr 8 - 11AM

jen79

NLB

What concerns me more, is that I am not the whore came right after, I did this and that, and I am well this and that,and others also always said that I am.... Do you love yourself unconditionally. Do you still think your accomplishments changes how other people view you. Often it does, but narcs teach us one thing, they dont care about how beautiful and well educated you are, they will show you this little place in your heart that thinks you have to do a certain things to be treated like a queen. You dont. Even if you were poor, would clean toilets and streets and work as a stripper from time to time. You dont deserve that, and you decide if you are a whore for someone or not. Dont get caught up in their games.

#15 Apr 8 - 12PM (Reply to #11)

neverlookback

Good way to view it

Do you still think your accomplishments changes how other people view you. Often it does, but narcs teach us one thing, they dont care I guess I was raised to believe you ARE admired by your accomplishments and what kind of person you are morals, values, ethics, etc.... when you are dealing with a narc that goes out the window, I never thought about it that way, no matter what I was and what we are is not a reason for another human to treat us like this. We dont get a pass in life from bad people just because we happen to be good people. Especially when you are dealing with personality disordered individuals, there is a reason why they call them disordered, why would I think my life would be in order when I was subjected to nothing but DISORDER? Good response it makes sense. x0x0

#16 Apr 8 - 11AM

ImStrong

Hey I still look at the fb!

Hey I still look at the fb! ..lol dont stress it doll..im still trying to figure out how a disorderd person works too..i think itsbecoming more of a fascination for us..dont worry ..you sound strong..you will survive this storm

"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess

#17 Apr 8 - 11AM

Hunter

NLB

See what look does? Bad girl, fine .... I did it too! I don't even know what to say! You know the answers to your own questions. You even answered them in your post! He is a turd, he is not treating this woman any different, than he treated you. They are a bunch of fucked up sick creatures! I'm still paying Rent on an apt ( that he approved of) I never moved into! I was going to divorce my husband and be with him! Oh but we are just" friends" and how could I think we were having a relationship! All my friend tell me 5 times a day they love me!! So the only answer, well there are 2, first stop peeking, second, he's a fucked up psychopath, she can have him! Sorry friend you feel bad! :( Idealk

#18 Apr 8 - 11AM

michele115 (not verified)

nlb

It is a very deep betrayal, and a hurt that takes time to get over. I was in the car earlier and while I don't miss him, I had this thought: Just who in the fuck does he think he is?" But then I realized, he obviously thinks he's hot shit - but the fact is - he isn't. He's doing what he's doing, he will always do what he does. And yes, I got effed over but WTH...I can't control that. What I can do is move on. He may appear to have all these wondeful things in life - but that doesn't mean I don't have some kick ass things in store for me. Life is cyclical. The longer I hold on and cleave to him, what happened to me and all that, the longer I'm stuck - he will keep moving regardless. My only choice right now is to keep moving forward, stay open to opportunities for growth, find what makes MY toes twinkle and go for it without a second thought of anyone else - including finding a man. When the time is right, if that is what's in the cards, it will present itself...in the meantime, I have a life to live and I hope a very happy one moving forward but I have to take that first step in that direction. I really do understand your anger and it is anger...it sounds like a "tempered" anger and it is a justifiable anger...but like you said you realize it is what it is. Live up to your name, neverlookback because in time, you will be facing what is in the cards for your future, and this man was never part of it. I am sorry you are struggling today - but sometimes we're disappointed in life and we have to do the best we can to move forward. All those things you said you are...you still are...and it is all "image" he could build that big beautiful house, he could be rolling in dough - but he will be miserable despite all of that. When you have true bliss - no amount of money in the world can top that. Find your bliss and the hell with the rest. Hugs...

#19 Apr 8 - 12PM (Reply to #6)

terri

I had this thought: Just who

I had this thought: Just who in the fuck does he think he is?" If I only had a dollar for everytime I said to him, "Who the fuck do you think you are?!" They're all the same egocentric a-holes.

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#20 Apr 8 - 10PM (Reply to #7)

Finally Faced It

....who do you think you are?

exactly. That song "Jar of Hearts" by Christina Perri sums this up perfectly!

#21 Apr 8 - 11AM

realitycheck

Hoping to Give you an Answer

My situation was not as intense as yours, but from what I read on your post I have felt exactly how you're feeling. There's nothing worse and I feel for you. I wanted to share with you a couple things I did that for some reason have helped me stop feeling the physical pain and longing to hear from the narc. so, I hope this will help you too. First, I read a post on here, can't find it now, but the message was this: You need to stop for a minute and think about who he is as a person, knowing what you know about him now. Do you even like him? Probably not. If you knew then what you know now would you want him as a friend?? Second, I went to the bookstore and the library (first time in eight years) and I pulled every book of the shelf that had to do with "Gas lighting" "Selfish Behavior" "Emotionally Abusive Relationships" and so on. I read and read, not the whole thing, but bits and pieces that pertained to my situation. The more I read, the more I realized how sick these people are and we are their victims. They're darn good at what they do, this is their life, how they survive. It's not your fault. Third, I have two very good old friends who I hadn't told about my narc at all. I had kept him as a secret because he was so bizarre I knew I couldn't take him around anyone I know. However, I sat down and told them each, individually, everything about what I had been going through this past year. They were both so supportive and caring and understanding. This was very helpful. To be able to share with the people I had become so estranged with due to my sick relationship with the narc. Fourth, give yourself a break. These people DO have a mental illness, and they are very good at what they do. Their sick behavior is who they are and how they survive. If they weren't good at sucking in their victims they wouldn't survive. So don't blame yourself and please don't try to understand why. Because other then the knowledge you have in knowing that he is mentally ill and unable to have the same feelings as you do, the better you'll feel. I know it's difficult to pull yourself together. Get out of bed, take a shower, put on something that makes you feel good. I know this is difficult but you can do it. Then, just get out of the house and maybe meet a friend for coffee or a glass of wine. It will take time, but if you force yourself to think about something else, slowly the pain will start to subside. Trust me on this one. I didn't think I'd ever feel good or make a clear decision again, but it now can. Good luck to you. I know you're feeling so awful right now, but it will get better I promise. XO

#22 Apr 8 - 11AM

Deidre40

First...where does a sheriff

First...where does a sheriff get the money for this type of house??? Second...This is probably the best advice I can muster. GRIEVE. AND GRIEVE SOME MORE. Keep crying until you have gotten it out. The anger, sadness, feeling of betrayal...lay them at God's altar. He will heal you. I would also recommend not googling his name...etc. For that only rips off the bandaid of the wound you're trying to heal. {{{hugs}}} I know this hurts.

#23 Apr 8 - 11AM

jen79

aww neverlookback

One of these days. I know its little neverlookback speaking today. Maybe she is gone by tomorrow, but see she needs your attention. Dont try to reason and logic her to death. Just listen what she says, why doesnt he love me, why he labeles me as a whore, and she the madonna. Let it out, and dont judge. And then talk to you as you would to a little child. Dont talk like an adult with her, she is around 5. Even if it is about sex also, she is immature. You have to take care of her, if not, she will "google" him again and again, and give you pain until you notice her. And if you dont do it, she will take control one day and look OUTSIDE for validation. Please try this, and then do it every day. Since 2 days I am calm and peaceful, no pain, cause I nurture her, only inside, I dont mean things you do, its amental thing only. You will feel when she is calm, you will feel very satisfied and full, and then you the adult can think straight again. I am sorry if I am a pain in ass with my inner child healing. But I know, we have to stop jusdging and reason this part of us to death, it needs love and compassion, thats all. Big hugs!!!!

#24 Apr 8 - 11AM (Reply to #2)

jen79

and yes

they are assholes, and jerks. And it aint easy. But you know that already. He is dead to you, remember that.

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