help beaten

11 posts / 0 new

#1 Sep 14 - 3AM

Jelickuk

help beaten

I am sorry to be so negative but i have been slowly slipping into despair since Friday, my sons birthday and now I just feel beaten and really low. I feel bad writing this but my life feels so hopeless.

My children went out with him last night and came back saying he still cares for me and will always be there for me. He has all but tortured me emotionally. I feel just so crazy and mixed up and worse much worse I miss him so much today.....again.

I am just crying typing this. I had a big fight with the children today because we were late and their things werent ready. I just feel like a slave. And he just walked away from it all and has a nice home ow no responsibilities and a carefree life. I never go out am scared of bills and responsibilities. Work like a dog to make ends meet and am so lonely I could die

its not fair.

Also I am 5 weeks nc but my friend has been mediating with him about contact with children and so in a way I have still heard from him and I think that might have been a fix for me. I saw my solicitor last week and drew up contact arrangements until after christamas and so now there is no need for any contact. and apart from what the children said There will be no further contact.

I hear about his new life and the children adore him and believe his lies and bullshit.

I screamed and cried this morning and last night and feel they compare me to Mr Perfect which is what he is to them now.

Feel so very very hopeless. He left 18 months ago but was saying there was no one else and he still loved me and wanted to work on our marriage until 3 months ago when the whole horrendous truths came out.

When will this stop. I really feel at the end of my tether and cant take any more. I feel like the messed up one. he seems to be getting along fine. it is me who is falling to pieces
sorry again

#2 Sep 14 - 6AM

Sparrow

Please hang in there Jel.

Please hang in there Jel. There will be days that seem absolutely unbearable. And those days will eventually become slim to none. All of these changes, they are all so overwhelming and hard to accept. Let's face it, you have suffered a blow to your heart and you are just able to stand on your feet again. You have been through hell and back, give some time for yourself and your healing. The children will view him in that light, because that is the light he presented to them. His true colors will shine soon and the children will learn on their own. He is nothing but a "disney dad" right now. That too will pass. Today is a new day. Make today different. You have the power to do so! Stay strong!

#3 Sep 14 - 5AM

Scoop

The days when you feel like

The days when you feel like this absoultly suck . All i can say is take today with baby steps , cry all you can , scream and shout and punch a pillow , i use to get a pen and an old pillow and stab the pen repetedly into the pillow saying "die you f**ker DIE" but that was at the hight of anger stage .I know its of little help now but thoeses day when we really feel the pain are the days we do the most healing . There is no reason for contact for a good few months which is your passport to geting better and its ok to miss him it proves you are a normal person with normal feelings , they are your feelings and you can own them , he on the other hand has no feelings , dead inside , flatline .. and his new wonderful life is a life built on lies and manipulation that will all come tumbeling down in a few months .. they scew up everything they touch eventualy .. big love thinking of you this morning .. Scoop x

#4 Sep 14 - 6AM (Reply to #9)

Jelickuk

Thanks Scoop. Drowning in my

Thanks Scoop. Drowning in my own self pity today. The hard thing is there is nothing I can do to stop the pain. Even if his life completely collapsed, it wouldn't make my pain better or remedy the betrayals and lies etc. That was a hard realisation

#5 Sep 14 - 5AM

patricia barely...

All I can say is... our

All I can say is... our despair will pass (no doubt it will take time), it will pass because it's simply an addiction, but their soul is ugly, and that is forever. This will catch up with them. I really believe time resolves the unfairness. In fact, it already has, because no matter what it looks like on the surface, they are empty and permanently dissatisfied, always looking for their new "fix". And they will always be. That is NOT A WAY TO LIVE. We get over this, but they carry it forever.

#6 Sep 14 - 6AM (Reply to #4)

Jelickuk

feel conflicted

I hope so Today its hard to quiet the voice that is telling me that he is ok and its actually me that is the really messed up one. Today my head is telling me that he left because I am a nightmare and as mad and out of control as he said I was. That I am all the things he said and actually no one could ever love me. What a nightmare i am just scared he is reasonable and i am not

#7 Sep 14 - 6AM (Reply to #7)

patricia barely...

Sounds to me like projection,

Sounds to me like projection, projection, PROJECTION! Give him back what is HIS. HE is the nightmare to live with, and of course they make us crazy... and feed off of it! I'm not proud of everything I said or did with my N, but now I can see how he was always pushing my buttons!! With NC and peace, our brains will restore to pre- narc. But theirs, never will. You are LOVEABLE, he is not. Think about it... they need to get us addicted with all the love bombing and other crap so we can't see who they really are...

#8 Sep 14 - 6AM (Reply to #5)

Scoop

He is being calm and

He is being calm and reasonable because he knows there is nothing more maddening than someone having an unemotional responce to someone having an emotional resopnce .. my goodness even Mother teresa would have lost the plot with a narc when he is pulling the calm sensible act .. xx

#9 Sep 14 - 6AM (Reply to #6)

Jelickuk

lol

#10 Sep 14 - 3AM

freaked

don't know why...but tears

don't know why...but tears welled up in my eyes as i read your post. I can feel your sorrow because right now I am feeling the same sorrow here. we invested SO MUCH...our all in the marriage... and this is all we got in the end. The Brazen Unfairness is hitting my psyche today. HOW??? WHY??? WTF is what is hollering in my head. and see how smoothly they have a whale of a life after ruining us so mercilessly... is this all really happening?????? I cannot even believe this Reality anymore.

#11 Sep 14 - 3AM (Reply to #2)

Jelickuk

Thats exactly it freaked The

Thats exactly it freaked The brazen unfairness and nothing i can do about it

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