help :(

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JMi
JMi's picture
help :(

I had found since reading this blog and starting to understand that the man i had been with for 11 yrs and recently married was not who i thought he was, i thought i was starting to get stronger.

He's been spotted tonight with his new GF by my parents, they are distraught at the blatant show of defiance from them both ( we married 3 months ago and she was one of my bffs) They have just strolled through the village we live in holding hands and laughing.......i feel like my heart's been ripped out

My mums crying,my sis is crying, my dad's crying.....we are all so hurt by their cruel actions........where the hell does healing go from here??

So hurt and upset i feel back to square one :(

Susan32
Susan32's picture
Flaunting it
Right after the ugly public D&D, the ex-Psych prof was flaunting his girlfriend. After he had reduced me to tears publicly (yes, in front of his colleagues), spread lies about me sexually coming onto him, and after my pastor friend died- he was parading around his girlfriend who had moved from LA to be with him. He had *NEVER* told me about the long-distance girlfriend, even when I had declared my love (and got D&D'd for it) Basically, I kept a low-profile. The ex-P thanked me for NOT going to concerts&lectures out of sense of concern for her (I told him it was to punish HIM, and it was for HER sake, not his, because he had lied about her)... when really, it was about my own mental health. I was keeping MY distance for MY sanity... it wasn't for him (and it was one of the rare times he showed gratitude) When I tried to get closure, I congratulated the ex-P on being engaged. He threw a hissy fit, claiming I had violated his personal boundaries. He had NO problems with lying to me over 4 years about his girlfriend (I don't know how long they were involved-he was in NM, she was in CA), with publicly humiliating me-how dare *I* have the nerve to wish him a happy life with her! He said "It shouldn't matter to you that I already have a girlfriend." I had been strung along for 4 years. He *KNEW* I was enamored of him. And when I dated, I was honest and open about it. I'd ask him if he had a significant other... and he wouldn't answer. I got the silent treatment. It was painful, after my friend's death&the humiliating D&D, to see the ex-P flaunting his girlfriend. I wasn't angry at her, but I was FURIOUS at him! Thank goodness I hadn't dated or gotten sexually involved with the ex-P... because seeing his girlfriend would've been that much more painful. All I know is that about 9 months after I left NM, she gave birth to twins, and he married her. I don't know if they're still together. I don't know if she's a Narc&a bully like him, or if she was a normal woman who got brainwashed. Honestly, I only met her once. As one of my friends said after the D&D, "He didn't tell you he already had a girlfriend? What a jerk!" Of course the ex-P didn't like being called a jerk to his face, it hurt his delicate sensibilities&he confused himself with Colin Firth ;)
JMi
JMi's picture
Oh my god he sounds like a
Oh my god he sounds like a complete phsycho!!!!!!!!! You are well rid and i feel sorry for her - unless she is a Narc in which case - happy ever after NOT! xxxxx
Susan32
Susan32's picture
Who knows?
She got him off my hands, so I'm happy in any case! If I had married him a decade ago (they wed in June of '01)... I would've come to these forums a basket case. If at all. Whether or not they lasted, I don't know. The ex-P didn't like it when I did the whole "better happy with her than unhappy with me" bit, because it was detachment on my part. I got this "how dare you idealize my relationship" glare. I was practically playing Cupid. Maybe if I had slipped Spanish fly in their drinks... I would've gotten closure. I gave him the whole "we're not compatible, you're better off with her" lecture from ME. All I know is they had twins... his parents moved from MA to NM to raise them, and his parents are living with him. "Unless she is a Narc"-BOTH of my maternal grandparents were Narcs. So they are known to end up together. As for closure... well, this is the weird part. When the ex-P flaunted his girlfriend, he didn't go all the way. He&his girlfriend looked&acted like fraternal twins. She had his crew cut. She didn't dress in a feminine way. They both dressed in dark/neutral colors. They didn't hold hands, kiss, or do anything like that. It was half-assed flaunting. High schoolers do better. Really. They have those things called PDAs. My therapist&one of my friends said it's odd of me that I *WANTED* to see them make out publicly. There's a "wouldn't you have hurt more?" But for me, I guess that would've given me closure. After reading parts of "War and Peace",I realized he wanted to string her&I along. So I left NM without a goodbye.
JMi
JMi's picture
Wow you are very very strong,
Wow you are very very strong, maybe i'll get to that stage but i'm still pretty horrified at the thought of seeing them together. If she was gross i wouldn't care so much but she's drop dead gorgeous - i wish she had his haircut but her hair is down to her bum, thick and glossy! They are also PDA-ers!! I do understand the closure part though - i think the fact they did a PDA last night in our hometown is their way of providing me with closure! How kind of them haha!
Susan32
Susan32's picture
If she was gross..
This is the weird part. The ex-Psych prof's girlfriend looked like ME, in many ways. I was expecting a supermodel... yes, someone drop dead gorgeous. He said he went to LA... I was expecting he would bring someone back who routinely walks the red carpet in Givenchy, Dior or Chanel... but no, he brought back a nerdy brunette curator. And I'm a nerdy brunette. Seeing her, I thought I was looking at myself in the mirror. It was more surreal than painful. This curator had sacrificed her job at LACMA to be with him (it is the largest art museum in the western US)... I was just a student. She was financially independent, secure. I was a student graduating, heading out into the world. At the time of the final D&D, I was 22, she was 32, and he was 36. He didn't do the usual Narc routine of snagging someone much younger. She was only 4 or 5 years his junior... not a huge difference. "I'm still pretty horrified"-It's understandable. I think I would've been horrified&devastated if I had been romantically involved with the ex-P. If he had wined&dined me off-campus, taken me to the Spanish restaurant he claimed he like going to to listen to jazz (I'm assuming junk food&"The Simpsons" was his lifestyle), I would've been devastated. I would've been horrified meeting her if I had been sexually involved with him, NO doubt about that. When there's physical/romantic involvement (and especially marriage)... it's much harder to be detached. There was a real, genuine, physical&emotional investment. If I had jumped into bed with the ex-P, seeing his girlfriend would've made me one crazy, angry, jealous b*tch. I would've been a woman scorned. I was just a student. I wasn't his girlfriend. I wasn't his wife. I hadn't even been a one-night stand. The ex-P and his girlfriend acted at the concert like he&I had... sitting together, no physical affection. They didn't even seem interested in each other, and he didn't bother introducing her to his colleagues. When I met her, introduced myself cordially, when she&I had a pleasant conversation... he went running down the stairs. My friends liked joking about how the girlfriend was a lesbian, how masculine she was, they mocked her tank top (she wore a pants suit when I met her)... her total lack of femininity became a point of mockery. The ex-P REALLY wanted a partner who looked like him. The girlfriend succeeded wonderfully. I'd wear skirts or dresses, and the ex-P would call me a slut. He wanted a partner who was his mirror image. My friends would say "He's attracted to you because you look like a boy" (I'm tomboyish)... and his girlfriend made my tomboyishness pale in comparison. She was as masculine as Jillian Michaels, the personal trainer Jackie Warner, or Jane Lynch (she's Sue Sylvester on GLEE)
JMi
JMi's picture
Haha Sue Sylvester!! I hope
Haha Sue Sylvester!! I hope she gives him shit like Sue would too!!! I know what you mean tho - i say this girl is gorgeous (she is) but she is a b-e-a-utiful version of plain version me - same hair colour, same build, big boobs (mine droop tho i'm older!) pale skin ALOT of people say.....hmmm she reminds me of you in many ways - well yeah coz before he got his claws in me i was out going, strong willed, opinionated and independant........it only took 11 years to grind all that down Why oh why would he go for someone who is me circa 1998 when its everything he seemed to want to rid from me??
Susan32
Susan32's picture
Why did he choose my carbon copy?
That's what left me baffled. I had been strong-willed, outgoing&independent when the ex-P got his claws in me too. By my junior year (that would be 1998), I was beginning to break free. During the final D&D, I was too upset to go volunteering, I became a hermit, I was crying myself to sleep. It was that devastating an experience. It took 4 years... but there was also the fact that he was a teacher, I was a student... and that teacher/student relationship would be officially ended with graduation. The MAJOR difference was that his girlfriend had a career, while I hadn't gotten out of the gate. She was quite independent;she had given up her job in LA to be with him. A major sacrifice on her part. I don't know if she's still a curator, or if he expected her to be BOTH a housewife/breadwinner (like Sofia Tolstoy, who raised the kids, did the house work, managed the estate, etc) I was NOT financially independent. I didn't have a job. I hadn't really defined myself. I was a full-time student... that was it. She was a decade older than me. To add to matters, women here have discussed warning the current girlfriend/wife. I decided against warning the girlfriend, because it was an openly gay professor who warned about the ex-P. I wasn't warned by an ex-wife... but by a man with whom I think he was pretty intimately involved. I think the ex-P and this gay prof had a liaison, it didn't end well... and the ex-P was virulently homophobic. The ex-P marketed himself as Mr. Family Values, proud of watching FOX News back in the '90s, as conservative, of NOT being a "Massachusetts liberal." (His father graduated from Berkeley in the '60s and is just as conservative) He'd mock liberals&progressives. He was up in arms about gay marriage. Totally against it. Yet the long-running joke was about how he preferred me in jeans, had a circle of young male followers, he'd ogle men in my presence instead of women. He HATED gays, yet the long-running gag was that his Ideal Woman was a lesbian. It took me awhile to get myself back. I was basically catatonic for 4 months (after going back to OR) Leaving NM without so much as a goodbye was painful. The ex-P used order me to NOT be a journalist (he was that afraid of exposure) and NOT write about religion.... over the past 8 years, I've done BOTH. The girlfriend looked so much like me it was bizarre. Whether the marriage lasted, I don't know. I'm glad I didn't have to watch the spectacle of his relationship with her. Perhaps it would've been too painful to watch so God got me out of there.
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture
JMI
No words can take away your pain at this point...the only thing that will heal this wound will be time, and support which you have here, and of course reading more about this disorder and educating yourself. I will say however, and this is my BIASED opinion...it is one thing to be betrayed by the NARC...we give them NO credit for morals, values, scruples or anything...BUT it is even more hurtful when a BFF turns on you. It is very early in the process for you. This "BFF" may not have been such a "BFF" and many of us find that once stung by the narc, we have somehow been surrounded by NARCS and at some point, you too may begin to notice other NARCS in your life that need to be shed. I am very happy that you have a loving supportive family by your side...that will get you through a lot of this, along with the support this forum offers...please note I am not paid to endorse this site, I am a volunteer but this Board everyone on it...saved my sanity and that is why I'm here...I want to give back because I gained so much. That being said though...if it is worth any comfort at all...keep in mind all we know about Narcs and the fact that yea, they're dogs and we expect that...BUT this "BFF" for her to invade your life, your space, all you've shared and callously turned around and did what she did to YOU...methinks it will only be a matter of time and it just very well be that the Narc and the BFF have met their "respective" matches...they really DO deserve one another. I really really feel your pain I had something similar happen when I was a teenager and I know the betrayal hurts like no other...but I can report...there was no happy ending between those two love birds either...AND in hindsight, I was "saved" from a very pitiful destitute future riddled with drugs, swingers parties, babies with no child support...yes, she went ahead and married him right out of high school...today he is balding with no teeth!...I've forgiven her, simply because we were kids and essentially - hey, here "sacrifice" saved me...it coulda been me!....I forgave him too...my life was all the better...I don't speak to him, haven't seen him in years but I remember the pain, the anguish and the humiliation and how alll our mutual friends were too punk to even say something about such deplorable behavior!! I was re-victimized and kicked out of the crowd! A very hard thing in high school. But you know what...I look at all of them...I am better off! Heal my dear and we are all here for you.
JMi
JMi's picture
I had actually considered the
I had actually considered the notion Michelle that the BFF had narcisstic qualities but to add worse still she is described round our way as a shallow goldigger - i used to defend that! WHat a mug was i?! THEY ARE SCUM! I know this and i must repeat this daily! Thankyou for the support i am so grateful! xx
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture
JMI
first let me tell you I have been exactly there. The audacity! Who the hell do they think they are, right? It might not help the pain much, but you have to know that this little "show" is exactly just that. It is his way of advertising how much of a bad ass he thinks he is and that he can "put you in your place anytime, anywhere." Don't fall for the act. He is whispering lies, venom, and manipulation in her ears 24/7 and she is just there to use for his image, his PR recovery plan. I know....myself and my family witnessed exactly this scenario. One of the best things you can do, once you can work through the initial shock, is to try not to hear or see anything about them. I realize it may be hard, as I don't know how small your town is, but that is a wise suggestion, believe me. Going no contact is more than just not speaking to or emailing him. It is also requesting that people you know, even family, stop passing along information about them to you. He is COUNTING on this because he knows it will twist the knife into your back each and every time, the sick bastard. Also, in time it will help you immensely to know and remind yourself that he is a sick, sick, broken, unnatural person. A mental disorder will never make sense, so obsessing about the whys and what ifs will be unhealthy. To me this knowledge was comforting because then I could let go of the notion that I caused any of this. Sure, I havd my part to play as I didn't run away screaming from week one.......but I wasn't about to blame myself for his decisions and his disorder. I'm tellin' ya, this is what these freaks COUNT on....that you will continue to blame yourself for everything they "feel" and ever felt about you and the phony relationship HE WAS In with you. Other than No contact, there's really no worse kind of a smack down for a Narccissist than when someone else refuses to take the blame for THEIR issues. Taking responsibility, as I am sure you have noticed, is not his forte, is it? It is kind of flippant to say this, but after much thought there really is no other simple way to say it, but you must do everything you can to move on by filling your life with a lot of self love, nurturing and self compassion.....forget about this waste of space dude. You will still think about him, but please don't let him control you or your thoughts post break up any more than he already has.
JMi
JMi's picture
Thanks ShaynasMommy i'm gonna
Thanks ShaynasMommy i'm gonna keep re-reading this at moments of weakness! It reminds us we aren't the crazy ones!! xx
spinning
spinning's picture
JMi, just have to respond
with my opinion and belief that you will NEVER REGRET taking the high road and taking care of yourself. You are better than the crap they're involved in. They are exposing themselves for what they are--and you are showing how you are...a woman with dignity and POWER to take care of herself and not be concerned with their disordered activities. My heart is breaking for you and your broken heart, but my instinct tells me this guy is doing you a HUGE favor. I was in my unholy, unhealthy situation for WAY TOO LONG. You will be happy and healthy again and get the relationship you deserve. Big hugs and love to you. And a gentle nudge to KEEP IGNORING the SUCKA and get out there LOOKING and FEELING GOOD when you're ready...:} sincerely (slowing way down from) spinning

spinning

JMi
JMi's picture
Spinning It's that age old
Spinning It's that age old thing of knowing that true friends won't accept such disgraceful behaviour from this pair of arsewipes and that those who do aren't really friends!! Appreciating the Hugs and accepting the Nudge! xxx
Hunter
Hunter's picture
JMi
Nice friend eh? You will get the last laugh with that! Trust me. This man is an abuser, why the tears you should be celebrating that he's gone! Pop bubbly! Look I'm not making light of this, I'm having a hard time today my self! You need to move forward, he is toxic, there is no making sense of this non sense! You need to read everything you can and re direct your focus on you! Please go Full NC! Hugs Idealk
JMi
JMi's picture
Thanks Idealk I know i should
Thanks Idealk I know i should be breathing a sigh of relief i'm free but its just still really raw with the wedding and such - i meant my vows and i loved him deeply! The last time we had contact was 1st week in Feb but with living in the same place and having all the same friends its impossible not to have 'crossover' and i did stay away for a good 4 weeks but i miss my friends and my lifestyle and i kinda think why should i have to hide away. I can't wait till the day i'm strong enough that i can look at them with smug smile on my face! She in the meantime is feeling very triumphant at the fact she's 'bagged' this guy off me.............and encouraging the whole display of public affection. She has been very vocal in the fact that they are together and that i am his history and she is his future. Please please please let her experience the N - it may sound harsh of me to say this but she really deserves the treatment!!
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture
"Please please please let her
"Please please please let her experience the N - it may sound harsh of me to say this but she really deserves the treatment!!" its not harsh. It is reality. And I, for one, believe this thought is a healthy indicator. I would be worried for you if you didn't think this about her. She betrayed you in the worst way for Chrissakes! And yes, she really does have it coming to her. I think one would have to be vastly stupid, or majorly brainwashable to believe that they could run off with someone else's husband, a mere 3 months after the wedding, and NOT have a clue that they are gonna outlive their purpose and eventually get dumped!!!! WTF?! It sounds like she is as arrogant as he is and pride goeth before a fall. ALWAYS. A POX ON THEM AND A BIG FALL ON THE FAT ASS FOR HER! (There, I hope that helps you vent a little, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that right now). But seriously, I know you spend many years with him, as did I with my ex fiance, but....you dodged a bullet. A divorce (if that is what your plans are, it looks to me like you have no choice)is much better than being used up and abused by this devil person for the rest of your life. consider it a wake-up call. I did. I managed to finally "get it" 6 weeks before our wedding, but that didn't make it easier. But I consider myself lucky now. I have no property or kids with him to tie me to him for the rest of my life. That would really SUCK. You are strong, you can do this. Just keep putting on your big girl panties every morning and you will be just fine. We are all here for you.
Hunter
Hunter's picture
Many years ago round one with
Many years ago round one with my narc, it's was just awful, I lived across the street from him! I know what you are feeling, he never left me alone, his GF stalked me, I had no idea what he was then, it stopped when I moved to another state! His GF did get Narced, that was sweet revenge, You have to give up alot when you are dealing with the devil, I suggest trying to make some changes within, find new friends, travel, read, explore! Be Strong the trash belongs at the curb! Idealk
beamoflight
beamoflight's picture
my story
My ex-whatever he was-- I pulled away from him as he started to do VERY hurtful things to me. 4 months after NC I asked him to meet me so we could "talk" (this was almost 2 years ago-- or was it a year ago? I dunno because my time with him was so hurtful it's all a big blur) he told me how GREAT, PRETTY, SMART, FUNNY AND PERFECT FOR HIM SHE WAS!!!! HE TOLD ME I SHOULD BE HAPPY FOR HIM AS HE FOUND HIS PEFECT WOMAN FINALLY! Fast forward to July of this year (I think, it's really all a time blur) he called me. Told me how he wont let his divorce get finalized. I asked him #1 why not and #2 why was he telling me? He told me #1 he wont let it get finalized so he does not have to marry miss perfect-- turns out, she's not so perfect. Oh and #2 why was he telling me? He was really in the mood for good $e% and a perfect BJ and I can do that for him so do I wanna come over to his place and see his new toy box (we liked $e% toys). My point??? HE will eventually get bored of her (HOWEVER this may take a long time depending on how much of his shit she puts up with OR until whatever it is about her he likes changes like her looks, weight, money) and then you know what happens???? She becomes the new YOU and the new woman becomes the OLD her. Oh, and then she'll be posting here. Probably reading your old posts and wondering--- wow, this girls story sounds just like mine!!!!! Wow, I TOTALLY forgot about this whole incident until now. It's like this board constatnly jogs my memory of so much $hit I forgot (I have a VERY selective memory) Thanks. Just one more thing to make me NOT call or email him. I REALLY hate looking like an @$$ to him. ((((BIG HUGS)))
JMi
JMi's picture
Hugs very much appreciated
Hugs very much appreciated right now Beam Its amazing how you think you're healing and something can snap you right in half again! I'm sure you experienced, EVERYONE tells you its gonna come full circle and they'll get whats coming but you still have this niggling doubt of what if its their happily ever after. I just worry that his behaviour was all down to him tiring of our loooong relationship and that she will be the 'cure'. Either that or i could be mis-diagnosing him!?!? It upsets me that i am acting with the upmost dignity and respect that i have stayed in doors trying to mend my broken heart and kept from doing the rounds in our hometown telling EVERYONE whats going on and this is how they respond Am i just being walked allover or will my good will be rewarded?!?!
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture
JMi
" I just worry that his behaviour was all down to him tiring of our loooong relationship and that she will be the 'cure'" Don't fret about that. For what ails this punk, there is NO CURE, no magic pill, no self-help book or seminar, no fantasy woman, and no redemption or justification for his lifestyle. She is not his 'cure' she is his current accessory, and she'll get exactly what you had. I went exactly through what yo uare saying. I was so wrapped up in disbelief that he could do this, that I thought there must be a logical explanation for it, and that there must have been something uniquely wrong about our relationship that just didn't work. WRONG. There's nothing unique or special about any of his past gf's or his present one or his future ones, because none of the focus is ever on THEM, it's always going to be on HIM, you see? A Narc will never see the uniqueness, good or bad, of anyone else after they get past the superficial beginnings of a relationship, because nobody else matters to them in the long run. THEY are the only unique, special people that deserve special unique considreation and treatment. I hope this is helping to clear the fog for you, because once you really SEE it, you will not have to worry about if he will stay with her, if she is really "the perfect one", blah, blah, yada yada. To them they are the only perfect ones in the world, everyone else will fall short, and be discarded. Period. "It upsets me that i am acting with the upmost dignity and respect that i have stayed in doors trying to mend my broken heart and kept from doing the rounds in our hometown telling EVERYONE whats going on and this is how they respond" Yes, I KNOW, LOL! Yes, it IS upsetting. And its hurtful and it SUCKS. Its totally unfair. don't deny these feelings or keep them in because it will only hurt you in the long run. But, like you said.....LOOK AT THEM!?!?! What a couple of DOUCHEBAGE FOOLS!!! Be grateful you are a dignified woman and not a DOUCHEBAG FOOL! Believe me, anyone with any wits about them in that town will see this, and remember. Keep on keeping on. Your good will be rewarded just because youre you. Just wiser now, hopefully, enough to stay away from people and situations like this where there are ample opportunities for others to "walk all over you." Hang in there.
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture
anecdote for JMi
I forgot to tell you, this might give you a laugh today, so here goes: When my ex basically dumped me at the altar, I found out several weeks later that a "friend" of his from school that he had been talking to (innocently, so I thought)was actually his GF for a while and that he cheated with her for at least 4-6 weeks before we broke up!!!!!! BUT wait there's more. As it turned out, this OW had temporarily left her husband at that time to be with my ex, and stayed with him in what used to be our apartment ( I went and got my own) for a total of 3 months before she realized her mistake (or whatever) and left ExN to go back to her hubby! She just left the apartment one day and took all her shit without telling him about it. He came home to an empty house, without "his perfect, innocent little woman" to greet him at the door. Even though I don't advocate listening to gossip, I can assure you that I came across this info from a credible source, and it WAS PRICELESS! He spent Christmas alone, without a woman to make him feel Kingly, and not even his family were speaking to him. How's that for KARMA weilding her might! Its hard to fathom now, but they really do get their commupance. Any relationship based on lies, betrayal, and such a blatant lack of integrity such as this.....cannot and will not last forever. Especially not with a Narcissist.
JMi
JMi's picture
I just did a victory dance at
I just did a victory dance at that story and not even for me but for YOU!! haha what a fantastic ending - i can only wish for such a thing to happen one day!! Thankyou for the support :) xx
beamoflight
beamoflight's picture
I'm sure you experienced,
I'm sure you experienced, EVERYONE tells you its gonna come full circle and they'll get whats coming but you still have this niggling doubt of what if its their happily ever after. I just worry that his behaviour was all down to him tiring of our loooong relationship and that she will be the 'cure'. Either that or i could be mis-diagnosing him!?!? yup! I know! I agree, ugh, I hate that!!!! I used to think that-- until I read--for about 4 days straight-- stories--that were almost exactly like mine-- I still struggle with the fact that he picked the model and she was "better" than me-- in his mind... but I have resolved myself that I can't always get what I want. Well, I am trying anyway. Notice I said trying ..lol.. I dont know if it will ever go away-- but I do know that it took a good month to feel "good"... and at first, I actually had to take about 2 weeks off of work. I could not get out of bed. I was an absolute mess. 2 weeks. I couldnt even deal with my kids. It was a bad, bad time in my house. Can you take a vacation? Go away someplace? get away from him, her and anything that reminds you of them?
JMi
JMi's picture
Well in that respect i have
Well in that respect i have been really lucky as i have been on unpaid leave from work for 2 months (they have been unbelievably supportive) ALso managed to get 10 days away with my amazing sister and her family but i felt like i came back to the 'shit' Its so hard to accept that we are all living so near by and that he is conducting himself in such a way!! He owes my family so much money, he promises to pay it back and then it never materialises but then he shows off his new £400 tattoo to all our friends!! Talk about kicking us in the teeth!! If i wasn't so hurt i'd go and abstract his new tattooo straight off of his arm with a blunt knife!!!!! ARRGHHH!!!