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#1 Jul 5 - 10PM

sara-smile

This weekend I wrote a post about how much I learned and how well I was doing. I had a great 4th of July because I spent time with my amazing family and friends. As usual my Narcs brain sensed how well I was doing and decided to take care of that today.

He got me good today. I honest to God don't know how much more I can take. I take 10 giant steps forward and he throws me back 200 steps. He got me in the parking lot face to face today and I went crazy. He pushed and pushed until I broke. I tried so hard to walk away and ignore him but sometimes a person can only take so much. I reached my limit and I blew. I look like a crazy person again. All the hard work I've done and all the NC I've worked so hard to maintain and then today I blew it all. Once I got started I couldn't shut up. Even after I scared him to death and he was begging for mercy I couldn't stop. I continued with a text message tirade for about an hour and the entire time he's begging for his life. I told him I was going to have him fired tomorrow and I was going to take every email/text I had to his GF so she could see what a slimy piece of shit she was dealing with. I told him he didn't deserve for me to protect him another minute because all he did was torture me every chance he got so he was going to see how it felt.

Not my finest moment BUT I truly believe with all of my heart he needs to see how it feels. I know they don't feel like we do but he's scared. Tomorrow he thinks I'm going to take away 2 of the most important things in his life. His job and his primary supply. I could have done this for months and I haven't because I don't want to bring myself down to his level but I am tired. I can't deal with it anymore. Something inside of me snapped today and I can't shake it. I'm tired of the abuse. I'm tired of laying down and taking it up the ass from him while he goes about living his life AND torturing the hell out of me!!!!! I'm sick to death of it. Why do I have to let him have any shred of happiness? He doesn't care if I'm happy! He doesn't care if I cry or if he's verbally abusive or if he stalks me or tortures me. He doesn't care about anything but HIM so why do I have to care??? WHY? Since when did the victim have to lay down and take more and more up the ass just because THEY are disordered?? They may not feel or have empathy but I guarantee you that son of a bitch will understand the unemployment line! I know the OW will never believe me so I don't want to tell her a damn thing. I want her to read the thousands of text message and emails he's sent for the past 6 months so their relationship!!!!

I'm at my wits end. I seriously am. I have been so happy and doing so great and then today happened and I've NEVER been so enraged in my life. EVER. I don't know how much more of his Narc abuse I can take. I've had it to the point that I'm scared to death of what I'm capable of. 4 years of mind games and abuse has finally broken me.

Sara

#2 Jul 18 - 4PM

rosedewittbukater

Sorry for long delay

Had computer problems. She actually did answer the letter. However, there were no apologies or any real acknowledgement of my feelings, just the usual blame shifting and devaluing crap. Uggh

#3 Jul 6 - 6AM

Hunter

Sara

Wow! Sorry I missed the drama. I've been traveling. Please step back, these Jackasses push to get a reaction, he wins this round! You must take the necessary steps to keep him away from you, HR,police! I'm worried you will take revenge and cause harm to Sara. Losing him is necessary, losing Sara to him is not! I will contact you later today! Hunter

#4 Jul 6 - 6AM (Reply to #19)

sara-smile

Hunter

I know. I really really screwed up yesterday and I'm just sick about it. I swear to you I tried to keep my mouth shut and walk away. I tried SO HARD. He pushed every button I had and I blew!!! I'm pretty sure he regretted this one. The idiot was begging for mercy. So far today it's been very quiet. Maybe I scared him enough to make him leave me alone for awhile. I'm leaving for vacation next week so I'll have 10 quiet days!!! Maybe they will fire him while I'm gone.

#5 Jul 6 - 4AM

Sparrow

Keep smiling............you

Keep smiling............you don't have anything to be ashamed of. You are human and you reacted. It's all good, right?

#6 Jul 5 - 11PM

Journey

Wow Sara, what an ass he is!

Wow Sara, what an ass he is! I'm so sorry to hear he is still this destructive toward you. I wish for you some calm and peace tonight. (hugs)

Journey on...

#7 Jul 5 - 11PM

sara-smile

Thanks to all of you

Thank you so much for jumping in to help me tonight. I am calming down a little but I am still so F-ing mad I can't see straight. I know having him fired and telling the GF would only come back to bite me in the ass. I know it would but I just want it to STOP!!!!! They are supposed to be in the process of firing him but that could take weeks. I guess I'm having a hard time with letting him get away with it for the millionth time. When do they ever pay for their evilness?? WHEN? He's tortured me for so long that I can't even think at work anymore. I'm surprised I haven't been fired! He harasses me and stalks me and it's just for mind games!!! Trying to explain this to him is the same as beating my head against a brick wall. He's too stupid to understand. I hate Narcs. I'm sorry all of you were involved with one. THere is NOTHING more crazy and disordered. Nothing!!! Thank you all!!!

#8 Jul 5 - 11PM

whskywmn5

I understand

I can understand how they can push you to the breaking point.....Why do you care.....because unlike him you have a conscience and a code of morals and ethics that you strive to live by, something he knows nothing about. Only you can make the decision about what you will do once you get to work in the morning, we can all give our opinions, but you and only you are the one that will be dealing with the outcome of whatever you decide to do...stop...think..., pray....do some more soul searching and decide what you can live with, with a clear conscience not something that will continue to eat away at you for years to come.

#9 Jul 5 - 10PM

Amazed

You want him to know he is an idiot, he knows

You want to have a rational coversation with him, there is none. You are showing your strenth, he is throwing it away. Been there, done that. You feel like you are standing up for yourself, however he doesn't see anyone. Been there, done that, you are going through a HUGE ethical battle. You know you deserve to be heard, and treated well. You are not getting that, and never will from the bastard. Guess what, he has all others fooled, until they see he is an idiot, they will, trust me, WALK A WAY and DON'T EVER SPEAK A WORD TO HIM AGAIN. DONE.

#10 Jul 5 - 10PM

rosedewittbukater

Sara

Sara I Really feel for you. I also think you are charting dangerous waters. I have not been able to find your story, so please forgive me if I ask questions about things you have already answered when you shared your story. Assuming from the post that you work togeher? If this is the case, is a transfer or relocation to another office/firm/branch possible? If not, have you considered a restraining order? While it may not keep him out of the parking lot or from coming within so many feet of you, if he does he can be locked up and have to go to court. Not sure where you are located but that is the standard procedure here in the US. Getting out and saving ourselves is not an "event" but a "process" Why not explore whether or not the court order could help you in your process? I'd almost be willing to bet having potential charges on him would certainly bring embarassment and other sticky problems for him. I'm just sayin'. Whatever you do, screaming and getting physical will only make you look bad and I already know you are NOT a bad person. You are a good person! I know the intense need to want to "get it out" and let then know exactly that damage they have done. Others here do not encourage this but I wrote a scathing letter to my N and mailed it to her. In it I decribed every abuse and deception she perpetrated on me - and it felt great! The minute in landed in the mailbox I felt a 50 pound weight just float right off my shoulders. Be careful though, it should be written in such a way as to not incriminate yourself in any way, and should be cool and detached for the writing style. I think it could possibly help you alot if you think you could bring yourself to do it. When you are thinking of engaging in the physical or verbal confrontation, try to stop and ask yourself whether what you are about to do will really help you in the long run. Then just count to ten (if there is enough time) before following through. Good luck love, sorry you are coming apart at the seems. I've been there too!

#11 Jul 5 - 11PM (Reply to #12)

sara-smile

Rose

Did she ever answer your letter? I've sent the Narc a million emails over the past 4 years but it just doesn't sink in. I tried to write one tonight but it turns into a lot of cussing and mass hysteria. I want to run over him with my car, or beat him with a baseball bat. Maybe that he will understand?? I've looked into a restraining order but that is such a freaking mess. I would end up in court with that idiot! I've reported him to HR at work so I guess I'm going to have to embarrass myself again tomorrow and go back in there and tell them about today. It is so damn embarrassing for the professional people I work with to realize I was in a relationship with such a WACK JOB!!! Thanks for your words of kindness. It's been a tough day!

#12 Jul 5 - 10PM

enpsychopedia r... (not verified)

I would have done this ages

I would have done this ages ago. Guy's just lucky he didn't pull this on someone with a gun. If he showed fear he's not likely a psychopath too. I would do one or the other, first and then use the other as back up if he tries to retaliate in some way. Take his job first to get him out of your hair then be very clear that you will follow up with all the texts to his new supply if he dares come anywhere near you. Follow up with a restraining order. Sarah, it WAS your finest moment! Don't kid yourself! Hugs ER

#13 Jul 5 - 10PM

Giggles

wow!

Are you sure you want to do that? I completely understand how you feel, but is there some other way to get away from him? I've had fantasies about doing some of the stuff you mentioned, but I stop myself because I don't want to wish ill on someone and have it boomerang on me.Lol. I told the Narc karma is a bitch and I hope he reaps what he sows--lying, cheating, betrayal and pain. I have to believe a higher power will take care of him. In the meantime I will stay NC and make the most of my life for me! :) I'm glad you took the time to vent here. Maybe doing so will help you refocus and take a breather. Best of luck to you and wishing you peace tonight.

#14 Jul 5 - 10PM (Reply to #2)

sara-smile

Giggles

No not really. I don't want to be this person. I've never wanted to be this raging angry lunatic and that is why he still has a job and a GF. Today I've snapped and I don't know how to calm myself down and bring myself back to sanity. I'm worn out and so damn tired of being the nice one. I told him Karma would kick his ass one day too. Maybe it will. Who knows. I just can't take it anymore.

#15 Jul 5 - 10PM (Reply to #3)

Giggles

breathe

I'm a pretty easy going person. I hate to fight or yell, but my Narc made me do those things, then he would flip it around and say he was tired of the drama. WTF? It was HIS drama, not mine. I was simply reacting to the liar, coward and cheater he is. What we both must remember is we are human. We have feelings. They do not, or only for themselves. I just think if you seek revenge it will not make you really feel any better. Have you tried talking to a professional? I just started seeing someone because I'm so "f"d up in the head from what the Narc put me through. Start thinking of some ways to relieve the stress he is causing you, but in a healthy way. I'm not trying to be Polyanna, but our hearts and souls need soothing, not more chaos. You are a good person going through a bad time. It is going to be okay, you will make it through this the beautiful woman you are.

#16 Jul 5 - 10PM (Reply to #4)

sara-smile

You are so right Giggles

Seeking revenge will make me feel like crap! I know that. It's not who I am. He brings out the absolute WORST in me. I'm such a sane and normal and easy going person until he crosses me. If he would just go away and leave me alone I could heal but he thrives on torturing the hell out of me!! I have an appt on the 18th to see someone. I tried a counselor before but he just didn't understand what I was going through at all so I quit. I'm hoping this guy will understand NPD and PTSD. If not I'll have to keep looking. Thanks for your encouragement. I honestly don't want to do anything to him and embarrass myself anymore than I already have. I just want to live me life and be happy. That's all. I do want Karma to kick his disordered ASS! I hope I calm down before work tomorrow. I am so sick of looking at his face and listening to him spew his lies and scrambled eggs!

#17 Jul 5 - 11PM (Reply to #5)

Giggles

narc word salad

How about some peaceful music? Sometimes I like some classical or nature sounds. Do some stretches. Reach for the sky. Breathe! I work with my ex narc too. I'm lucky he is out of town a lot. He is due back on the 20th. It hurts seeing him and no longer being together. It hurts knowing he is seeing someone else. But nothing compares to the pain of being D&D'd. After everything he put me through he finally admitted he took advantage of and used me. For three years!! Once again he flipped even that and went on about how he will never have someone love him like I did. Pathetic Narc. He found a new main source of supply so he had to give me the boot for good. No more back and forth like he did all along. I have told some of our coworkers what he is and some of the shit he did. I just couldn't stand the idea of him acting like I was nothing. I don't feel the need to validate myself regarding him anymore. He is the loser and I know the truth. So stick to the high road. Stay true to yourself. Big hugs!

#18 Jul 5 - 11PM (Reply to #6)

enpsychopedia r... (not verified)

This makes no sense when

This makes no sense when there is ongoing harassment. We can burn all the incense and play all the soft music we want. The narc is still there large as life purposely causing torment and turmoil. The specifics of sarah's experience are vital to understanding her reaction. My personal feeling based on what I know are that her actiOns are not just warranted they are essential.

#19 Jul 5 - 11PM (Reply to #7)

Done sourcing

restraining order right now

parking lot stalking is not ok. That day he followed you from work, not ok. Physical abuse from him is not ok. Fuck telling the gf anything, that is revenge, he aint worth it. But you need legal protection from him, he just doesn;t or won't get it any other way. Please file a restraining order and let work know he is physically stalking you. DS

#20 Jul 5 - 11PM (Reply to #8)

sara-smile

Done Sourcing

I'm going to tell HR tomorrow. A restraining order will land me in court with that MORON! I guess eventually I'm going to have to suck it up and DO IT! Arrgghhhhh!!! Who would have ever known that ONE IDIOT could cause so much damage?? He'll just deny everything. I have ZERO proof about the stalking. I just have a million emails. NO stalking proof. Do you have to prove it for them to give me a restraining order?

#21 Jul 6 - 8PM (Reply to #9)

Arwen

Sara....a zilion emails PLUS

Sara....a zilion emails PLUS the stalking in the parking lot equals harassment equals proof. You have proof. If you don't do this I am afraid for your life. End this drama now. Don't worry they are going to fire him. When you go into HR don't get too long-winded please...just state the facts and if you get emotional fine but just keep it brief. Say you are scared and that is that.

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