HELLO, this is an open Forum!!!

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#1 Oct 15 - 9AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

HELLO, this is an open Forum!!!

There has been much talk on here about whether or not to seek revenge towards the narc for what has been done to you. Also, whether or not you should TELL the OW what is going on.

My thoughts:

First of all this is an open forum and it is not wise or self serving to post about anything you have done or may want to do to the narc. The same laws that govern the land, govern the Internet as far as self incriminating statements are concerned. So don't do it.

A psychopath is not going to take kindly to revenge and if you screw them up professionally or personally, you will get paid back and most likely worse than what you did to them.

This does not suggest that you live in fear, however, and if your Narc or Psychopath has hit you, stolen from you, destroyed your house or personal property, then you go to your local woman's center, and legal aid or an attorney, get proper advice and with support, contact the police. If there is not time to do all of that, then you call 911 and protect yourself.

If you have children together or they will not leave your house and you are not strong enough to deal with what you need to do, you go to a therapist, woman's center, legal advocate, and get the proper advice to make a decision which will work out best for you and your children.

You do not need to put up with abuse, financial ruin, or the mind games associated with dealing with a PD and their keeping you stuck and down.

If you have been cheated on, lied to, used, treated "less than," D&D, ect.. which has not included violence or illegal acts, then read and educate yourself on PD's, self esteem, settling for less, and find out what in YOU is tolerating this behavior and do something about getting out and staying out and remaining NC, with the help of the 6 STEPS of RECOVERY, the wisdom on the board, and your own sense of wanting a better life for yourself. This is an inside job and when you have had enough, you will do something about it. We understand how difficult it is to leave and seek a better life for yourself and this is why we are here to support you in this and offer you the support and tools to gain the strengh and self esteem to move on from the PD.

If you are stuck on seeking revenge, then do what you need to do, just do not post it on here because we have members who are looking for help, advice, and insight. They do not need to be confused about what they need to do and what they need to do most is to get their lives back on track and focus on the SOLUTION, not the PROBLEM.

As for telling the OW/OM, our experience has been and we have seen this often on here, is that not much good comes from doing this.

The PD gets angry at YOU, and tells the OW/OM that you are NUTS and made it all up because YOU have sour grapes. The OW/OM is so brainwashed that they WANT to believe that you are NUTS and believe what the PD says.

If you want to remain STUCK and heap more problems on yourself then do what you need to do.

The WAY that you HELP and WARN OW/OM is to get YOURSELF right in the head, clean YOUR side of the street and then GIVE BACK to the people who are still suffering from the adverse effects of a relationship with a PD and EDUCATE people on these disorders. Through the media, the Internet, people you know, ect...

This site is NOT about seeking REVENGE and it is NOT about bringing more STRESS and TOXIC energy into our lives by trying to SAVE people who did NOT even ask you for your help and most likely are not even ready to hear it.

This site IS about RECOVERY for ourselves, and our families. Healing and getting on with our own lives, and eventually if this is your path, giving back to the newcommer what was given to you so freely by the members here when you were in so much pain and needed the help.

There is something very freeing, uplifting, and rewarding about helping others who have been through what you have been through. And as with all self help groups, helping those who WANT it and ASKED for the help are going to benefit far more greatly than to try to help people who did not ask, are not ready, and will turn on you in the process.

God bless,
Goldie

Oct 15 - 5PM
Journey
Journey's picture

Goldie, you are so wise,

Goldie, you are so wise, thanks for posting this thread! :) xoxo

Journey on...

Oct 15 - 11AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Well Said!! Thanks

Well Said!! Thanks Momma... Hunter
Oct 15 - 11AM
Gravity
Gravity's picture

Goldie

100% agree. Especially about the part about warning the OW. I think about it like this. There were times where even I was active on this board, with all of the signs in front of me, and even I was too brainwashed by him to fully PROCESS what was happening. With all of this information in front of me and I still couldn't process.. if the OW has been able to be brainwashed by him she will definitely believe him when he tells her I'm nuts which he WILL. You know what they say.. "living well is the best revenge!"
Oct 15 - 10AM
freaked
freaked's picture

realigning perspective and focus

this post is so healing...helped me to redirect perspective and focus towars healing the self's psyche rather than dissipate oneself in rancour. Thank you Goldie
Oct 15 - 10AM
Makessensenow
Makessensenow's picture

Thanks, Goldie

for re-directing the conversation. I'm not so angry at the N anymore, I'm angry with myself for ignoring so many red flags and staying long past the point of actually being happy. If the saying "we teach someone how to treat us" is true, then I didn't do I very good job! Sure, I'm not responsible for the initial lies I was told, but I'm responsible for staying when things didn't add up and I turned a blind eye to it by wishful thinking! I agree--it's me I need to work on!
Oct 15 - 10AM
Layla
Layla's picture

If everyone should read just ONE post today...........

...this one is it. Goldie as always you are so spot on.......your knowledge and experience with these PD's is evident in your postings and are truly helpful. First and foremost, you are right. Healing and recovery will only occur when we work on OURSELVES. What the PD is doing or who he is with is of NO consequence to us any longer. NC means NC in ALL ways, including any knowledge of what they are up to now or with whom. Secondly, these people are vengeful and DANGEROUS and are capable of some SERIOUS damage. Let's face it, they have already done some horrendous things when we were actually IN the relationship.....imagine what they will do NOW to us, now that we are OUT of it. Trying to exact revenge on these people is the LAST thing we should be thinking about, or doing. "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind"....I love this quote by Ghandi.....so true. Peace and hope and love to all on the forum. It's all about US now, let's make healthy, loving choices for US. love~ Layla
Oct 15 - 10AM (Reply to #3)
Sea
Sea's picture

Work on ourselves :)

Yes Layla, we should work on ourselves cos we are worth it :) I realised there's alot i need to work on myself. Meditation for peace. Come to this forum to read and post to gain knowledge and find support and also support others. I also trying to let the deep wounds to resurface and heal them. I wont have time for all these if i am still stuck in engaging with narc in anyway be it looking at his fb or finding ways to teach him a lesson. I realised i benefit the most by letting go it heals my wounds help me move forward. The narc, just let him be. OW, exes etc whole bunch of women, too many too complex to help even if we want to. Lets heal ourselves first.
Oct 15 - 9AM
Used
Used's picture

goldie

HEAR HEAR.....every word you have written in spot on...as always....we are all here to get better....not get revenge or warn ows......any way....REVENGE IS GETTING BETTER AND GOING NC....THEN WASHING THEM RIGHT OUT OF OUR HAIRXXXX