Hello, new here

Hi, this forum seems like a great place for support. Reading through you all's posts was very comforting; I couldn't believe how much I can relate to each of your stories. I wish none of us were going through the heart ache and mind trip of having an abusive disordered person in our life. Forums like these help with getting the internal compass aligned and for that I'm grateful.

It's so strange, for the last six months I've worked through steps 1-6; Except, and that is a huge "except," I am stuck at stages 2 & 3. Sounds impossible right?

I feel like I've nearly healed mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I've got the disordered man in my life so figured out, his behavior just rolls right off me. I've gotten stronger and firmer with him too instead of cower down and take his drama (I now call "abuse" drama to disarm its power!--but make no mistake, it's sick). It's like I've gotten off of his roller coaster, stumbled away letting the dizziness subside, stumbled by other lines with signs that say "you must be this tall," bypassing temptations, making my way through the maze of the amusement park, even all the way out of the gate!!! But guess what!? My car is trapped in the parking garage. While I wait for that to get fixed, I rely on sitting in the cafe just inside the narc amusement park gate. I've tried the street vendors but that makes me just as sick.

Ok, enough of the analogies! About 6 months ago, I came to a resolve that I would have to leave my live-in boyfriend of 4 years because of his severe NPD & BPD. I had been in the process of changing careers after getting laid off. I continued to apply for jobs in both fields while furthering my education. Meanwhile his behavior got more and more bizarre. I had to find a way to heal and shut him out somehow while I was still in our home. Over the course of several months I tried to focus more on spiritual life, friends and family, than on the drama that would unfold behind closed doors with him.

So, that brings us to the present day. I am praying for a miracle - a new job which will financially allow me to move out. For a while we lived together as a broken up couple. But that didn't last long and I realized that for the sake of self-preservation and survival on all levels that I needed to maintain the status quo/be back together with him. We had broken up before several times wherein he would beg for another chance and he was working on himself and begged me to work with him on his anger problems. I don't know how familiar you all are with borderline personality disorder, but even more than the narc characteristics this blares through. Anyway, yes deep down I hope and wish that while I am still here he would miraculously change but he hasn't. Everytime he has one of his selfish episodes or temper tantrums, I am so so glad that I have prepared myself and have been making plans to leave. He won't change, and I know I am living in a brighter world than the bizarre landscape of his mind. I have to leave for my own well-being on all levels.

That about wraps it up. Sorry for the long intro! :-)

D.