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hellllllooooooo :)

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#1 Nov 22 - 11PM
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

hellllllooooooo :)

Hi every one!!
I have been so freakin' busy with school I haven't had time to post.
So far, living with the x has been totally fine. We almost never speak. He tried to lure me into being his friend once, but i just couldn't even do it. We seem to be very good roomates. We leave eachother alone completely. he does stuff like leave the door open when he talking to his new supply, but i just turn the Tv up so I can't hear him and thank my lucky stars he's gone all weekend :)
Anyway, since i have never been with a 'normal' guy, i am having such a hard time with this new guy that i like SOOOO much. i'm so used to being swept off my feet that i can;t tell how to know if he's into me or not. we only talk like once a week and see eachother once a week or so. He cancelle dour date last sunday because he said he had to study and he felt really bad, but it kind of threw me for a loop.
How do you know if a 'normal' guy is really interested if he'sa cautious kind of personality? he says he loves spending time with me, i just REALLY don't want to be one of those girls who guys say that to and they don't mean it.
when we went out he mentioned marriage and he's pretty religious. he invited me to his house to watch movies and i declined, saying i thought at this stage it was innapropriate. he said i was right and he was glad i said that and that 'he wasn't being presumptuous, but if we were to ever get physical in the future, at an appropriate time, it would be much better if we waited'. We have awesome converstions and he always compliments my wit and intelligence. It's such a change from 'thank you for letting me be seen with you' lol.
I just think maybe i'm too much for the guy. he seems to want a very religious girl, and his family is religious, and i'm so into him ( i know it's soon, but it feels so right...)
I'm just so confused. my X husband wanted to see me every second and announce to his family he was marrying me within months. Is that how guys act when they really like you?

Nov 23 - 5PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

LOL maybe you can tell US

LOL maybe you can tell US what it's like to date a normal guy :D To my knowledge there isn't a guide or Spark notes to give you an outline of what to expect with the normies. We sure got the Narc part down though. Be very aware of what you are thinking and feeling and believing while you go along. Not to make sure you are doing it all "right" or to look for booby traps. But just to NOTICE what goes on in your own head. No judging, just notice. If this guy, or any guy, is going to end up being your husband, you are going to spend a LONG long time with him before you toodle off this mortal coil. So what's the big hurry? ENJOY him. And I think it is VERY cool that you are exploring your ethnic roots (Judaism). I wish I had ethnic roots (lol). What an incredible people. I'm jealous :D You say: How do you know if a 'normal' guy is really interested if he's a cautious kind of personality? he says he loves spending time with me, i just REALLY don't want to be one of those girls who guys say that to and they don't mean it. You WILL know. That's why you have to take it at a reasonable pace. Maybe . . . *gasp* . . . HE RESPECTS YOU, FIERFLIE. Maybe he isn't moving in with you and showering you with gifts and dinners and promises because he's not trying to bait the hook with anything but himSELF? Maybe he respects himSELF as well :) Wow, what a concept :D Besides (mother bear here) you are still living with your EX NARC and although that is going OK for now, it is still WEIRD. If I were him, I would not be jumping into that body of water without a lot of thought either. You are newly (I don't care about four months, it's still newly) out of an abusive, terrifying and humiliating relationship that injured you. You want to bring your best self to a new fellow. You still have "work" to do :) . No one said you can't have a special male friend while you heal. You just can't move in with him and marry him, plan your life and children's names and live happily ever after with him (all at the same time) so soon. I think most of us can relate with how we "threw" ourselves into his arms, as much as he swept us off our feet. Let's get "real" here. We are people who DO this (throw ourselves). This is why all the warnings. We have to stop throwing ourselves into ANYONE's arms. We have to walk on our own two feet and not expect some man to walk the world FOR us. A decent man will want a woman who walks BESIDE HIM, who can even carry him sometimes. The whole load if need be.
Nov 25 - 1AM (Reply to #8)
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

BRIESES!!! mama bear

If this guy, or any guy, is going to end up being your husband, you are going to spend a LONG long time with him before you toodle off this mortal coil. So what's the big hurry? ENJOY him. And I think it is VERY cool that you are exploring your ethnic roots (Judaism). I wish I had ethnic roots (lol). What an incredible people. I'm jealous :D -Thank you for your kind words. i never thought of being jewish as a gift. i was always embarassed and teased about it, but now i'm starting to appreciate it. I'm learning a lot of lessons about modesty and dignity. You WILL know. That's why you have to take it at a reasonable pace. Maybe . . . *gasp* . . . HE RESPECTS YOU, FIERFLIE. -Maybe he isn't moving in with you and showering you with gifts and dinners and promises because he's not trying to bait the hook with anything but himSELF? Maybe he respects himSELF as well :) Wow, what a concept :D I think you're spot on. You want to bring your best self to a new fellow. You still have "work" to do :) . No one said you can't have a special male friend while you heal. You just can't move in with him and marry him, plan your life and children's names and live happily ever after with him (all at the same time) so soon. -you know, the most amazing thing is how peole keep saying to me (including him) 'i never would have thought you would have gone through that recently'. his exact words were 'wow, you seem so well centered, i never would have thought you had gone through that. I wish i were as together as you are'. I was thinking whaaaaaaaaaaaat? me? wow. i must be doing better. i think yu were a hugs part of that, bri. seriously. xox
Nov 23 - 8AM
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

It is different with normal guys

So just take it slow and develop a friendship, as that is healthy for you. I do understand how it feels different, I went through that too. But if you're like me you come to appreciate the normalcy so much that you don't miss the spine tingling thrill ride that is meeting a narc. My question is...if you know he wants a really religious girl, are you that girl? You've said you're not and that's not a small issue to overlook. Just want to make sure you're keeping your beautiful eyes open. No molding yourself to be what he wants, that becomes a disaster for everyone!
Nov 23 - 6AM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Hi Fierflie

So glad to see you are doing so much better. You have come a long way in the last three months. Yea for you!
Nov 23 - 11AM (Reply to #5)
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

sick of it

how have you been? i hope you're doing better. I haven;t had a chance to read your posts, but the a-hole narc was bringing you down last i think, although i feel like i may have seen an improvement towards the end :) *hugs* Love u
Nov 23 - 12AM
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

Fierflie

Hello back atcha! I know your busy with school. I was worried about you. Lol. Next time I won't worry, I'll know your busy. What a bag of douche the N is talking to a new supply while your within ear shot is double supply for him. I hate those immature shots. Well, I have absolutely NO advice for this new religious man because in my mind men do not exist. Lol. I am skeptical of all men at this point only because I am too new to the escape. I have many male friends who are awesome people so I know that this feeling is temporary. I just wanna be left alone by men. It may be the fact of the attention you got from the narc was so outrageous that this new man can't compare? Idk. Take it slow. Sounds like you already are tho. You sound better. How is your narc recovery coming along? Living with him holding you back from anything? Idk how you do it? When I did I crashed my car and had a mental breakdown. I couldn't be near him towards the end. What do you mean your too much? Too much of what for the new guy? Do you mean not religious enough? Just wondering. Happy to hear from you. Keep us posted honey.
Nov 23 - 11AM (Reply to #3)
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

blueeyes

I understand. I was there when i was at your point in recovery. the thought of any man touching me turned my tummy. I also think I recovered really quickly due to very strong herbal antidepressants, therapy, and lot of patient friends and family, but most of all, this board I wasn't at all surprised by my X husbands antics, ut the more I ignore them the less he even tries. I do get really annoyed and as him not to leave the back door open with the heat on and lights on when he leaves the house and get responses like 'i like to do it', so i say.... 'do you want to take over the electric bill'? He sit on the phone schmoozing his new bait with comments like 'i didn't know you liked suchi, well I could eat it everyday'. n'we need to go skiing this weekend, don't we'. I would rather pullmy toenails off than have sushi with the bastard, so i don't get upset at all. The thing is, yours is still luring you, still dependant on you, so it's much harder for you, and I realize that. Mine has moved on. How have you been, by the way? What i Mean by too much is I'm coming from a completely different place. this guy doesn't have any idea of my world. I'm probably being rediculous to think it couoldn work, but we are so amazingly compatible and it's so hard to tell if he likes me or not. I just can't tell!! I never got these butterflies with my N! I just wanted him to leave me alone so I could miss him!
Nov 23 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

wholeagain

Oh, I missed you!!! so, that's pretty much the thing. I have this new interest in judaism, but first of all, nobody their even beolieved i was jewish. i don't look jewish or 'act' jewish, whatever that means. I guess my nose isn't big enough and I have light eyes?Funny, it always looked really big to me. lol. so here i am, this flower girl, in love with this guy... it's really sill i know. My aunt sai dthe exact same thing as you did. The thing is, his not jumping my bones IS giving me the spine tingles!! i dunno if it's a good thing, don;t wanna get my heart broken, but i'm also relieved to know i can feel love again. i'm trying not to change for him, because you're right. I'm really really prone to that...