helldweller's story

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#1 May 11 - 2PM
helldweller's picture

helldweller's story

I'm going to add my unbelievable story to this litany of disbelief, to make it clear that Ns will stop at nothing for the adoration and sadism they crave, and that children are their favorite victims.

After a violent ten-year marriage that produced two lovely daughters, I finally divorced my husband and left, moving into a beautiful place on our own, not far from where I grew up. Almost immediately I met an incredible man on our street who seemed he could be nothing but a reward from Heaven for being so kind and faithful to my ex-husband for so long. The new man was happy, funny, smart, wealthy, accomplished, with a prominent public position but totally down to earth. At fifty, he'd never been married and claimed a woman had broken his heart as a young man, leaving him afraid to love again. I found out later that he’d dated the woman for ten years but then left her after their engagement because she wanted to get married on Thanksgiving weekend (the anniversary of his enabling, worshipful mother’s death, which was the only day in the coming year that her family could all come in from out of state for the event). When I met him, my N had just bought a house in our area, and as the months went by we became very close, he loved my daughters and they loved him. As he worked to remodel it, he talked about the house as ours, the new kitchen as mine, "our bedroom" "the girls' room" and he made it clear that marriage and babies with me was the dream that was finally going to come true. "I never thought this would happen for me," he said. "I never thought I'd find you."

After many months, he “finally felt safe enough” to take me around his family and friends. Everywhere we went, he had me sit on his lap. He kissed me freely and even sometimes put his hand down my dress in front of people. It was kind of weird, but I was flattered that he felt so amorous and didn’t care who saw it. During the height of the “in love-ness” he was over one night and a girlfriend of his rang my bell. I was still having problems with my ex-husband coming over, so I was mortified, thinking it was him, that he would cause a scene and would ruin things for me and my N. I played dumb and said, feigning fear, “Who could that be?” My N. said, “I don’t know.” I said, “Should I answer it?” He said, “I wouldn’t.” Well finally, because the person was leaning on the buzzer and my daughters were asleep, I went to the door, knowing it was my ex, and asked stupidly, “Who is it?’ A female voice asked me to send out my N.

He went out to talk to her and I listened as she cried and said, “Why do you call me and tell me you love me? Why do you make love to me if you’re with her?” He came in and told me it was all lies, that she was crazy and he hadn’t seen her in almost a year, and that he would never talk to her again. The whole time he “explained” his phone kept ringing and texts kept coming in. He left five minutes later, saying he was tired. The next day he admitted that he’d promised her he’d leave if she would leave. She was waiting outside for him to go. The episode passed. He said he was so scared the event would make me leave him, and that he was so happy I trusted him.

After ten months together, we were cooking in my kitchen—which he at first loved to do—and he suddenly sat me down on the floor and cried, saying he’d never been so happy. His brother had told me that he had never cried in his life, even as a baby, so this was a hugely flattering, moving thing. He said he wanted to get engaged, but that he couldn't propose to me. He’d proposed before, he said, and was afraid because their engagement fell apart. He wanted me to do it. That was fine with me. I even bought him a ring--the one he specifically asked for--and prepared the special night. You have to understand, too, that this man is a multi-millionaire and I’m a struggling writer and single mother and bought him a diamond ring—and one worthy of a man in his position.

The week before I was going to propose, he told me he was taking in a four-year-old foster child in two days. He had never mentioned being a foster parent, never spoke of the idea at all. To put it mildly, I was horrified. I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under my entire life. How could someone I felt so incredibly close to, with whom I was planning marriage and children, make such a bizarre, life changing decision without talking to me about it? And who would give this single, middle-aged man with no children a baby? I somehow knew this was the end of us, but he pleaded with me to agree to it, saying the child would be ours, that we would raise him together and, if it came to it, adopt him together. He also promised we would carry on with our own plans to get married, move in together and have a baby as soon as possible. When I told him I couldn’t be a mother to a child in another house and asked him if we could move in together first and then have foster children in, he said, “How can you be so cruel to an innocent child? He has nowhere else to go. If you can’t handle it, lose my number.” I found out later that he was in huge demand by younger, trained and experienced married couples—including one that was raising his own baby brother-- and that my N had used his political power to get him for his own. I was in such incredible shock I went along with it. What could I do? The next week, I was preparing for the proposal and teasingly said, "Now you're gonna say yes, right? Don't make me look stupid." He laughed and said, "Honey, don't be silly. We hardly know each other." A year later, after many failed attempts, I threw the ring in the river.

To have watched what became a bizarre, sick, twisted scenario unfold is beyond anything I can describe. This man literally walked away from my children and me after two years, picked up the child at the group home, went in his house, and locked the door behind them. He called me to come over and get him out from under the dining room table, he asked me to help him find a doctor, and he asked me to go along to get his shots caught up (the N is terrified of needles). When that was all settled, the N stopped talking to my daughters and stopped coming over. We were all overwhelmingly hurt and angry. I asked him to please talk to them, to explain the situation to them and tell them he loved them and that we were all going to be a family, and he rolled his eyes and said, “Oh, brother. They’ll get over it.”

He put locks on his gates that he never had before ( I used to go into his yard and plant and water the flowers for him), and he immediately started lying to me so he and the child could go to friends' and women's houses alone, him the heroic "single dad" with a selfless heart and his poor little orphan. Everyone fawned over him, most of them not even knowing he had a girlfriend and two other children he'd shut off like a light. My offers to babysit were roundly rejected. Only a “family friend” down the street could watch the child (who, I found out later, wants to marry him and be the child’s mother). I was not allowed to meet the social worker, the case worker, or go to court dates. He stopped coming to dinner at night, stopped visiting for our quiet time, stopped everything.

Now the message seems loud and clear, but while he was demonstrating all of this, he was saying, still saying, that he wanted to get married, that he wanted to have babies with me, that we were all going to be together, that it was all going to work out. The few times I saw him and his “son” together, it was the child in his lap and him saying to the child, "Do you love me? Do you love me? Can I have a kiss? Do you love me?" The child had a baby brother who was given up by his mother at birth. The baby was adopted by a well to do couple in a pleasant area. When they found out about the older brother, they wanted to take him in, too, so they could be together, but my boyfriend refused to let "his" child go. Last summer, he and the child went to California for a week to visit "an old friend, one of my college buddies" --a guy's name. When they got back, the child told me they had stayed with a woman and all slept in the same bed together. I was yelled at for "causing trouble" when I demanded to know what the hell was going on. To this day he has never apologized or explained it.

The two of them hang out at bars together, sometimes until eleven at night, and everyone thinks it’s “so cute.”

My N does not like intercourse, but loves rough sex. His eyes are always closed tightly. He refuses to get into an actual bed for any of it, however: it must be on the couch or the floor. We have only slept overnight together once, when he reluctantly went out of town with me for a friend's wedding. He told me that I couldn’t touch him, that I could just lay my head against his chest. While dressing that morning, he took his phone into the shower with him. We are not allowed to have sex in his house at all, because I’m “too messy.”

The text messages of "Honey, I miss you," "Baby, where are you?" etc go on and on and on, in an endless, meaningless, debasing string. He lives on the same block as me, which is TORTURE.. If I tell him I absolutely cannot see him anymore he will wait a day and then come up behind me on the sidewalk and literally pull up my skirt or put his hand down my shirt. He has no sense of any propriety, any morals, any ideals, any beliefs. He has no concept of the idea that other people have value, dreams, desires, needs, human rights of any kind. He is interested in nothing but politics that affect his career, money, and whatever woman is walking by at the moment. It has gotten to the point where his brother and his babysitter basically keep his “child” alive until he needs to take him along somewhere to make himself look kind, selfless and, of course, attractive to women. He refused to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve or Day or New Year's Eve with me, even though we had nowhere else to go. He just ignored my phone calls and refused to even tell me—his girlfriend of four years-- where he was going. When his “child” turned five, my little daughters—who think of him as their brother—made him a cake, cards and bought him presents, which they wrapped themselves. We planned to have a family party but the night before my N. took the child and left during the night without a word. They came back two days later and, as it turns out, had been to the summer home of a local politician, a close family friend who doesn’t even know about my daughters and me. I said, “How could you do this to the girls and me? He was supposed to be our son!” my N said, “Who cares?” The next day he begged me to stay with him, and the day after that he went to California for a week.

I ended up with a psychiatrist, on drugs that totally screwed me up and had me calling his friends in tears, totally out of control, lost, totally lost. Of course, I have since been known as the woman who "doesn't know how to act" and who makes people uncomfortable with talk of our personal life. "No one wants to hear that, "he says, "What's wrong with you?" But he is so good at it, so charming, so disarming, so convincing that it still goes on. In January, when I had finally broken free--I thought--and started seeing another man, he came to my house in tears, took me in his arms, and told me he has cancer. Guess what? He doesn't. Before I found out he was lying, I told his brothers, as he refused to tell them or to go for treatments. He told them I am crazy and that I made it up to get attention. When I asked him what animal would tell the woman who loves him that he’s dying he looked at me and laughed and said, “Oh, honey, take your clothes off.”

This past month, he and his “child” moved into “our” beautiful new house. I have not been allowed inside, though all of the neighbors have had tours of it. Last week he went to Las Vegas with his brothers—which they do for a week twice a year—and left his “child” with the “family friend”—who he moved into his old apartment next door as soon as he moved. She does not speak to my daughters or me, and he defends this, saying, “She doesn’t want your drama.” So she’s living in his apartment, which I was rarely allowed in and was never given a key to. During the week in Vegas, my daughter received her First Communion, which I told him about ten months ago. When he told me he wouldn’t be here—four days before it-- I burst into tears. He said, “Oh, GOD! Do you EVER STOP?!”

Saturday night, after my daughter’s Communion party, while he was in Vegas, a woman rang my bell at 4 am looking for him. When I told him, he said, “No way” and claimed I was lying. Needless to say, he texted me, “Happy Mother’s Day” at five o’clock in the afternoon and then asked if I was going to wait up for him to get home, “wink wink.” When I said no, he said, “Nice, honey. I’m gone for a week and then you don’t even want to see me.” He continued to text me, asking if he could come visit at night. I said, “I’m going to stop over right now to chat.” When he opened the door, I said, “Hi, welcome home” and started to walk in. He literally grabbed my dress and ripped it, keeping me from going in his house. “Shhhhhhhh,” he whispered. “they’re playing!” “Who?” I said. The brother and foster child. So I was not allowed in the house because they were PLAYING and I would somehow disrupt the wacko dynamic.

I told him not to call me anymore, screaming at him in the street of course. By the time I got home, thirty feet away, he had texted me again, asking what time he could come over. I said, “Do you realize you have a STALKER and I don’t want you in my house because my children may be in danger?” “Do you realize you just ripped my dress because I’m not allowed inside your home?” “Do you realize you are a fifty-two year old alcoholic, chain-smoking single man raising a five-year-old orphan with your brother and the neighbor who wants to f**k you?” Do you realize you missed our little girl’s First Communion because you were lying by the pool in Las Vegas?” He said, “What time, baby?”

This morning, my best friend who I’ve known since kindergarten gave birth to her first baby, a little boy. I called the N to tell him. His response? “What does that have to do with me?”

Feb 11 - 6PM
nancyh's picture

HD I just read through your

HD I just read through your history w/you xN - I am so sorry for your experiences (I am stunned too). Stay strong. Hugs, Nan


Jan 13 - 1PM
spinning's picture

HD, it's scary

but I see a lot of my N in this guy. Stay away from him. He is not human and doesn't deserve you or your girls. He will destroy you if you let him. It must be horrid living in the same area. I know it is because of one of your posts today. Let this idiot go. Ignore him. He is a truly DISORDERED person. Who knows what he is capable of? Sadly, as more time goes by away from my N (he abandoned me, vanished, disappeared into thin air without a trace after leaving me six bizarre text messages while I had my phone off visiting my dying father), I realize how truly DISTURBED he is/was. Lots of people saw it. Lots didn't. Some still don't. However, I cannot "unsee" what I know is there. And what is there in your N and mine is NOT GOOD. HD. Hugs to you. Lose this guy and open up to the good that will flow in when you do. Sincerely, (slowly slowing down) spinning


Dec 9 - 10AM
Hunter's picture


I never get to long winded anyway. Your story has left me speechless. I'm so sorry. You are a rock! Oxox
Dec 3 - 3PM
Anne_'s picture

Your story

Helldweller, I barely can believe your story. I cannot believe how somebody can be so cold, how somebody can act so disconnected from other human beings around him. I'm so happy that YOU stepped out of the darkness and are here. To lie about having cancer, to take in a foster child without informing you. To use someone is already beyond any moral standard, but to use a child.... He gives me the creeps....
Dec 2 - 5PM
I don t get it ...
I don t get it I just don t's picture

Your Story

I am stunned, simply stunned. I was moved to tears, and then physical sickness. I too was with a legal pillar of the community. I wish I could wrap my arms arms around you. You're so strong!
Dec 2 - 9PM (Reply to #14)
helldweller's picture

I don't get it

Thank you for reading my story.I'm so sorry you had to be subject to one of these. I watch him all dressed for work in the morning, walking this little boy to school, holding his hand. He goes to the coffee shop where we met and gets his free coffee and "Good morning, judge"s from everyone there. He goes to work for two hours a day, and everyone stands up when he walks in the door. He passes judgment on far better people then himself. Then he goes for free lunch in the judge's cafeteria, probably stops off for a screw at some woman's house, comes home for a nap and gets taken out to dinner. When we were together and he had a few spare minutes, he came over to my place to whip my v with his belt, pull out my hair, and force me to go down on him. "I love you, baby," he'd say afterwards, and it made it all ok. I was just like a dog. Gosh, I just re read my story, and that was so long ago. The story I posted way back then was just the tip of the iceberg. I had no idea back then what was really going on, the depths of depravity and betrayal and usery, and he hadn't even laid a finger on me yet. The worst was yet to come. I never would have believed it. And I never would have believed how little I could do against him: no one would touch him, even after physical abuse of me and emotional abuse of the child: not child protective services, not the head judge, not the police, not the most opportunistic reporters in Chicago. Not one single person would take him to task, and surely never will. It's so scary. So damaging to one's self esteem, identity, sanity, security. I don't think of myself as strong. I think of myself as just still alive. I think about him every single moment of every day. There are, now, some other small thoughts and feelings that share space with thoughts and feelings of him, but that's it: just sharing space with the omnipresent thoughts of him, day and night, even in my dreams every single night. Every single thing is about him. Stay on the right path. I am just moving through each day. I have no idea where I'm going, and I can't even tell, even know, if I'm really moving away from him at all. It's so minute, so imperceptible, so extraordinarily painful. I described it to my therapist as a loop, an endless loop, and as "groundhog day" each morning. I wake up and think, "Here I am again, beginning another day of obssession." But at least I'm not being hit. Not being lied to. Not being led on. The memories still hit, though. And lie to me. And lead me on. That's the kicker. He's still freaking here in my head. It makes you want to punch the air. Scream at the air. Tear out your own hair. Stay on the right path. I'm so glad you are here!
Jan 11 - 8PM (Reply to #17)
ally2375's picture

Helldweller - the loop

I hope you are getting some relief from the endless loop. I understand exactly how it feels, believe me. Every morning you wake up (if you've managed to sleep) and vow that today will be a good day. Every night you come home exhausted and emotionally wasted. It feels like it has been and will be that way forever. Here's what I've concluded about the loop though: When we spend time with an N, we learn to bury our feelings so deep that we lose touch with the person we were before we met them. Getting back in touch with ourselves post-N means we have to unbury those feelings bit by bit, day by day. This is so painful and seems never ending. But, I have to believe that it does end. Someone on here said it best when she said, "no contact means no new pain." Stay strong. We are all here for you. Ally
Dec 5 - 1PM (Reply to #16)
Jean's picture


Helldweller, after reading your story I now understand your moniker. Maybe you could write a book (fiction, of course - most people wouldn't believe it) - and at least make some money off this heartless creep. In a small way, I understand two parts of your story well: my N is a also a professional: a psychologist and a lawyer. And, although he doesn't live near me he does work near me. The other day I found out that when my supervisor retires, everyone in my unit will be parceled out into the rest of the agency so I went to the head boss and asked to please not situate me anywhere near Dr. ___. The boss was accommodating. Yet, this amoral reptile is so good at fooling people - unfortunately, HIS supervisor is one of the kindest, nicest humans I've ever met, which does not bode well for her figuring out his demented sociopathic ways. Even hearing the sound of the N's voice irritates me, so I keep my headphones on a lot. Of course, the N is very extraverted and constantly schmoozing and laughing (giggling?) and so I also hear that. He's surrounded by fellow psychologists, who are all fooled (I find this pretty funny, actually, owing to my newfound cynicism). From what I know of how powerful people (especially men) operate it seems unlikely he'll ever face real punishment, like losing his job. I spend too much time thinking of ways I could trap him or expose him. So far I haven't been able to think of any methods that won't cause me, too, to take a trip down the road to criminal behavior. He's only 5 feet tall and diabetic so I can't punch him - plus I'd lose my job and he'd probably sue me. Of course, I am not going to do anything. . .but I'll admit, right now, that's mostly because I'd be afraid of being caught. It's frustrating to watch someone who appears legitimate to others, knowing he's a mentally ill, vindictive, manipulative predator. I take comfort in the fact that at least a few others I work with refer to him as an "a$$hole." I am so, so sorry for what you are dealing with. Please take comfort knowing you have done nothing wrong, it's not your fault, and that there are plenty of others no doubt who know this guy is sick. Especially, telling your story does help others - it really does. You are one brave woman, even if you believe you are only surviving. This experience is not easy - and I speak only as someone who was slightly grazed after 5 months and minimal intimacy with an N. Take care.
Dec 2 - 10PM (Reply to #15)
I don t get it ...
I don t get it I just don t's picture

You are strong

I am honored to be here with you. I'm hesitant to place too much in this forum. I am concerned that he, or someone he knows, will see it. All I can say is that I too am struggling to get through each day. I sound like a crazy woman, he is in my thoughts constantly. He was responsible for me losing nearly every material thing I had. I ended up in hospital (I hate to admit this because I too am Catholic) I wanted to die, I could take no more. I lost my home, I was sleeping on the sofa's of friends for over a year, then in transitional housing. I now have my own place. I was fortunate that someone was able to store my furniture, household items, and clothing for me. Here I am an educated mature woman, with no idea where my life will take me next. It is very frightening indeed. Love and blessing to you, and your girls.
Aug 11 - 2PM
Used's picture


read your story again, when you met him, i believe he already had applied for foster chid, he had a think, he had to show some normality and family life, he choose you and your daughters for this purpose, all the promises to your girls about their bedrooms, all the promises to you so false, even the engagment ring ,he wouldnt have paid for that himself, cos he had no intention of keeping it on his finger, just wanted to look like he was getting married, i have never seen such blatant, calculated behavior as this, and that was cos i had a reality check today about n,s.how they had both got a situation going, where they were able to put my name up, in away i couldnt even invisage. they are good at there craft, very good. why are you answering his text,s and as for his family, why bother, they will always take his side. and you will be seen as the unstable one, just what he wants. please stop giving him all this power, you have given him enough all ready, and believe me they[family] know full well he has a drinking problem, otherwise why would bro have asked. noone would ask that about me cos it wouldnt occur to them, unless they have seen my behavior, to warrent asking i know you loved this guy, concentrate on you and your girls ,not that tosser.
Jun 4 - 9AM
helldweller's picture

Full circle

I'm quieted, amazed, silenced this morning. One year ago today, it was my N's foster child's fifth birthday. The N and I agreed to have a party for him. My daughters made a cake by themselves, made him cards, and we bought him presents that my girls wrapped. We were going to have a cookout in the N's yard (he lives two doors down from us). I asked him who else I should invite. He said, "Don't ask anyone. I'll ask my brothers and a couple of the neighbors." In the morning of the child's birthday, when we woke up, his car was gone. They came home three days later. He never called, never answered. It turns out that they went to the summer home of a politician in town. Of course, to say I was outraged is the understatement of the century, and when I exasperatedly said, "Where did you tell your friend the girls and I were?" He said, "Oh, honey, you said you were busy." I said, "MAKING A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR OUR SON!" You took him and LEFT us behind on his birthday!" He just rolled his eyes. Today, I woke up, on the child's sixth birthday, and they were gone again. I wonder: if we had not been forcibly separated by the police incident three weeks ago, would we have had plans again? Would he have blown us off again? Would he have left in the middle of the night again? So creepy, chilling, strange. This happened so many times while we were together: the same thing over and over, even a year, two years, three years later, and me thinking, "I can't believe I'm here again. I can't believe this is still going on."
May 12 - 9PM
TexN (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

That is an awful story!

My exN not only broke my heart, he broke my two sons hearts too. They were 4 & 6 (now 13 & 15). He made them call him "Dad", said he loved them as his own. When he left, he never looked back. God has a way of taking care of certain situations. You weren't meant to have that baby...he saved you from having a connection with that monster for the rest of your life. I think your daughters may need counseling too. Do Not Take Him Back...Ever! If not for yourself, do it for your innocent babies! They didn't ask for this nor do they deserve it! Is this how you want them to think & accept to be treated by men themselves???! No! Pray to God & the Blessed Mother to watch over you & your girls....
May 13 - 4PM (Reply to #5)
helldweller's picture


Thank you! I have gotten out for my daughters, to break this horrible cycle once and for all. I have been praying nonstop to the Holy Family to keep us safe and on the right track. Thank you for reading my story
May 13 - 10PM (Reply to #6)
TexN (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I assume you're Catholic?

If you are & you're interested in a prayer that helped me through the toughest times, I'd be glad to share it with you...I swear, I thought I was going to die without him! I just wanted to lay on the floor & cry my broken heart out! I know how you feel, believe me, we all know how you feel...
May 13 - 10PM (Reply to #7)
helldweller's picture


Yes, I would welcome it. He is the antithesis of everything good, and in our first conversation he said to me, "We go to the same church!" He has never set foot in it. His foster child doesn't even know the name Jesus, and yet he's six years old and the N has taught him to walk around saying "I"m Catholic" and recite the Our Father for the N's friends. It's sickening. I offered to take the child to Sunday school and Mass every week and just bring him back home at noon, and he said, "No thank you.We have other stuff to do on Sundays." Then last month he said, "WE need to get him baptized. Can you take care of that? You know all the priests." I said what I told him two years ago: "You need to get a letter from his parents to authorize it" and he said, "I'll just go down to the Archdiocese and have the Cardinal do it" because he's a judge. He was adamant about him getting baptized so he could start Sunday school and receive his First Communion, but of course he was in Las Vegas for my daughter's First Communion and did not even speak to her about it. My daughter--who he's known for four years--just doesn't pass muster.
May 14 - 10PM (Reply to #9)
TexN (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Prayer To The Shoulder Wound of Jesus

Have you heard of it? I had never heard of it but my sister told me about it. Google it so you can get the prayer & the story behind it. It'll remind you that the pain & cross we feel like we are carrying now is nothing compare to what Jesus went through for us...I'm not a holy roller but my parents were devout Catholics. They planted the "seed" in me to believe & trust in God. As I've gotten older, I am thankful for that knowledge they shared with me. I truly believe in the power of prayer.
May 16 - 6PM (Reply to #10)
helldweller's picture


Thank you for the prayer! Beautiful.
May 13 - 11PM (Reply to #8)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


of course your daughter doesn't pass muster... she's not his PUPPET!!! so good for her... I don't pass muster with an N either, THANK GOD! scrape this piece of cr*p off you and start healing... oh you might want to put him on this website: http://www.robeprobe.com ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 11 - 4PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Welcome helldweller

get into PTSD therapy IMMEDIATELY - call a DV Center if you need to get an advocate ASAP to get this man completely out of your life - NOW! - PLEASE go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT. PLEASE do this BEFORE asking questions. - PLEASE read the stories of others. This alone is one of the most validating things you can do. Far too many become completely wrapped up in their own drama... which just makes it all worse. - PLEASE read through our WHOLE blog: http://www.lisaescott.com/blog - chock full of articles about Ns and healing PLEASE read the Rules prior to posting. Thanks - listen to our free radio show - archived at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim Remember this board is NEVER to be used as a replacement for therapy. Please find a therapist and start going as SOON as possible for whatever level of PTSD he's left you with!! BLOCK HIS EMAILS, IMs and TEXTS change your phone & cell numbers NO CONTACT! Get to a PTSD/ trauma counselor ASAP!!! Drugs can help but only if they are SSRIs, usually low dose and carefully monitored. YOU did nothing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 11 - 3PM
helldweller's picture

And another thng

Forgot to mention one of the best things: I was pregnant with his baby (a miracle, as we had actual intercourse five times in four years for a change from the usual nightly rough sex). The OB told me that the pregnancy was fragile and that I should get all the help and rest I could in the beginning. I told my N and he said, "Oh please. You can take care of yourself." Three months in, his foster child told me one evening that they spent every Friday night at the home of one of his old girlfriends, who my N told me he hadn't seen in years. Long story short, I went to his house and beat the crap out of him, screaming and raging and crying. I miscarried that night and he wouldn't answer the phone or the door, even though I left him texts and voicemails telling him I needed help, needed to go to the hospital, needed help with my daughters. I had to call my ex-husband, even though I had an order of protection against him, as there was no one else to help me. The next day my N told me he thought i "was kidding" when I called and texted him the night before about the miscarriage. Then he sarcastically asked me if my ex-husband and I had had a fun night together after he came to pick me up! That afternoon, he left and I didn't hear from him and he didn't come home. I was still bleeding when his brother's girlfriend told me the next morning that he had gone on a golfing vacation for a week. I called him at the hotel--they always stay at the same place--and I found himand left him a message on their room phone. When he got home he yelled at me for embarrassing him in front of his brothers with "personal stuff" on the phone message.
May 11 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
livewpsycobabble's picture


You have finally found home. Reminds me of the Stephen King move "The Stand" Read lots! Remember to cry, share, vent and get back in touch with your inner self. N's call them bitches! ROFL