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For helldweller

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#1 Nov 14 - 2AM
Mariline
Mariline's picture

For helldweller

Dear helldweller,

I have been harsh on you in the past, because it was really frustrating for me and for many of us to see you, clearly a strong, valuable, talented, intense, passionate, intelligent and vibrant woman being treated like shit and not reacting in the right way.

When I read your last post I felt really guilty and I write this to publicly apologize with you.

But you know something? I know I was not wrong. I know you have the right stuff inside to come out of this with flying colours. I will be there to watch you and to clap my hands at you and my heart will be SO happy.

Remember who you are, dear helldweller!

mariline.

Nov 14 - 6AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Mariline

And I have to tell you now that everything you ever told me was indeed right, just as you said, and that what I discovered about him was the cap on the whole thing. I know that the other woman and I finding each other made it impossible to keep believing anything had ever been real, and so now I go on. I actually feel guilty being praised because I don't really know how long I would have gone on if I didn't start to have real, undeniable proof. And to have THIS proof is a blessing from Heaven; it has opened up my whole life, my whole heart, my whole mind again. My first reaction to the news was horror that I had been so fooled, that he cared so little the whole time, that I truly never meant anything to him at all. You all said that all along: that I had never even HAD a honeymoon with him, that he had been vicious all along and unavailable all along. But after that sank in (and it's so wonderful because whenever I have a pang of longing for him I think of that) I started to realize that all of the love that *I* gave him is no less valuable because he didn't want it, didn't cherish it, didn't care about it. Love is perfect without being returned. After talking with the OW for so many hours I was so moved by the beautiful selflessness and honor and trust of her love all these years--in the face of the most glaring and atrocious claims, lies, demands. And I realized, "That's how I was, too." Today, seven days later, that is the one thought that reigns in my mind: she and I expressed amazing love to this man: patient, kind, endless, forgiving, trusting love. That is a beautiful thing that can never be diminished. I thank you, Mariline, for ALL of your words. I look back to all the posts this year, the anguish and heartbreak, the loneliness and fear, and see it all now through this bizarre prism: he was never really mine. Never. I was totally ready for this news, as hard as it was to hear, because of you and everyone else on this board who is tough and kind in equal measure. A year of "poor baby"s would not have prepared me for what I found out. And I feel so deeply for the OW who has also never gone through anything like this, and who was not prepared in any way shape or form. She was still seeing that wonderful, amazing, charming, sweet man we met. I can't imagine how she feels.
Nov 14 - 8AM (Reply to #6)
Rinalda
Rinalda's picture

Awful reality but you will recover

helldweller--I know how it is to be with an N who is unavailable all along. I've also lived through the OW (at work no less). That shock to the system to slowly realize what he is doing. I continue to see the N, at work, and relive the pain almost every day. It has been torture. I'm sorry you've gone through this. The illusion and the reality are so disparate--he is not what he seems. It just truly sucks. I know, too, that you will recover and reclaim yourself. Sending healing thoughts your way....
Nov 14 - 8AM (Reply to #5)
NancyM
NancyM's picture

Both of you

deserve all the encouragement to go forward. I have watched you both, and Marline, you peaked first...but helldweller, sometimes I withdrew because only you could truly understood what it meant at the end of the CRAP until you are ready to take the next step, then they can say we are making all the white noise while we wait....as long as we know that staying on your case is worth something to you. well...you have just come through, and as you know, there is no majic pill here. You have been around her long enough to know that, and hey Hon...you have just broken through. Don't worry that it is painful... it is, but this is a step that you have taken, and there is no going back. Ur gonna be ok, and for as long I have been on and off this board..Honey, you are finally coming through. HUGS exceptionally...

Nevergoback

Nov 14 - 7AM (Reply to #2)
Mariline
Mariline's picture

Dearest, the more I read you

Dearest, the more I read you the more I think: wow. She is able to write in THIS WAY when she is schocked and sad.....let's imagine what can you accomplish and write when you get a bit of peace of mind in your life??? Just another little piece of advice. Forgive me dear HD I say this with affection and a LOT of esteem for you. Please do listen to me. Do not pity this woman and leave her to her own recovery. It may sound harsh, but you can do nothing for her now. You must help yourself first. Focus on you. I know that talking with her was validating. Okay. But if you continue this...she will become just another way to connect with him. Leave her alone. Please. Yes, she was able to love, she had the tools to love because she is normal. Like you. You had and still HAVE the tools for loving and being loved. The love you gave was a reflect of yourself. But do not forget....the more you remain exposed to abuse and to him, the more of yourself you will lose!!!! Don't lose yourself, helldweller. You are such an amzing woman. Give her a pat on the shoulder then leave her alone. In time you will realize this is the best option. I feel for her too, you canindicate her the board. But I feel for you too. You are darn smart, helldweller! get healed soon or I'lltake a plane and come and scold you!!! ((((hugs)))
Nov 14 - 7AM (Reply to #3)
Used
Used's picture

helldweller

so agree with MARILINE,S post to helldweller,you have come so far in 7days ,even with the pain you are in and saying you feelfor ow. shows what a good person you are, but you know, she saw him only twice a month he wouldnt let her visit his home..where did she think he was the rest of the time? what i am saying i applaud your compassion for her, but women do not check mens phones if they dont feel something is amiss...i know you still love him,as i said the other day on here ,even when you finish with someone the love doesnt go in a day or at that moment, i know this my self first hand, but sometimes we have to break free and cut the cord for our own well beign and saftey.... i wish you all the luck in the worldxxx
Nov 14 - 9AM (Reply to #4)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Thank you everyone

For your kind words and also your subtle warnings. I am very clear on my final separation from all of it, including her. She texted me on Tuesday, the day after I found out, and said, "How are you?" I said, "As you might imagine." She said, "I'm walking away from this. I wish you and your girls all the best in everything. Be good and take care of you. xoxo - V." Sure, there have been other things I remembered that I would have liked to ask her about, other things I'd wondered about, but what's the point? Like sticking yourself with a needle over and over, just to make sure it hurts. I have wondered if she'll take him back, but what is the difference in that either? If it's not her, it will be someone else, and only she can reach that point that I finally did. I can't do it for her. There are likely several others right here in Chicago, waiting for him to come home tonight from Vegas, waiting with his blow job and cocktail and ashtray. There always will be. But that's his problem--and theirs to discover--not mine. I did my time. The OW said they'd started to fight. Fight about him never coming to see her. Fight about the baptism. Fight about not being over to his house. Fight about how he raises his child. Fight about a lot of things. Said he'd started leaving her in the hotel room for hours at a time after she went through so much time and energy and expense to get here. The whole thing was, yes, starting to fall apart. I felt like I was talking to myself a year and a half ago. I don't want to talk to that person. I don't want to talk to her. The love hasn't gone for him. But I am finding that I am able to separate the love I had for the man I met FROM who he really is, and to be very proud that I continued to love well. Yes, I should have left long before I did, but i am still proud that I trusted, believed, that I loved. But, and this is a big, big but: I will not carry a torch for a dead man in the future.