from heaven to hell

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#1 Sep 2 - 7AM
Fish72
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from heaven to hell

Hi all, I wanted to share my story, to get it out. I have been with him for over 10 years. We met when I was travelling for work to Africa. I am an intelligent caring and cultural sensitive woman and have had relationships outside of my own cultural background before. The reason I share this info is because my environment thinks we failed because of cultural differences. I say it has got hardly anything to do with that; a narc is a narc anywhere.
We met, took it easy the first year, as we only could see eachother when i was in his country. We clicked on so many levels, it was incredible. We laughed, cried, debated, and enjoyed life together. After a year, I took a job in his city as I wanted to see whether this had potential or not. We lived in heaven together for 1 1,5 until I got pregnant. I didnt see any red flags or anything. I just didnt like the fact he got upset when some girls where flirtatious with him, but is also something common in his culture. so i let it go. Even him blaming his family for everything that went wrong in his life, I asked him to check his own contribution to the fights, but he didnt flinch. When I asked him jokingly one night when he was checking himself again in the morrir, I hope youre not a narcissist, hey replied Yes I am- i just laughed, didnt think he would mean it, who the hell would say that about himself? He didnt have relationships before me, friends and family told me. He did have one woman he loved and wanted to marry but she chose someone else.
But he was so caring, took care of the Household, washing, vacuuming, cooking, was so tender with me, we laughed, enjoyed the beach, had such a good time. I loved him deeply and he couldnt get enough of me, he said he didnt even know this existed this kind of love. We got married. We had future plans. He was the most caring person in the world. Almost....too good to be true..?
Then our baby was born. He disappeared. In daytime i was in the house taking care of her. He did night shifts. But very abcentminded. He said now that she is here, I am numero 2 instead of number 1. Another weird remark. But they came so little, i didnt pay too much attention to them.
Unti i remembered I was 8 months pregnant and i found on the computer his inlog for a porn site. He said I am happily married but in for anything as long as it is safe Some online sex thing. I was shocked and confronted him. He said that is was oke, he did it just for fun, nothing serious. Cant rememebr how many times I asked him not to do that kind of stuff as he was hurting me. He said I shouldnt nag so much. What else did i want from him?? I had his mind, body and soul, and he didnt have to take out his eyes just because he was with me. He told me.
Anyway long story short, those are the only things I can remember in those 4 years in his city. Then, I got offered a job in my country. We jumped reluctantly to the occassion ( we loved it there) and moved near my mom and sister. After three months he changed into this avoiding, crazy making, secretive man. He blamed me for everyting, i had done nothing to please him or arrange for him, it was my fault he couldnt find a job, and when I caught him again flirting on Badoo one night while i was trying to nurse our baby, he flipped. He was just making firends and I should keep my mouth shut and as i was such a boring bitch who didnt want to have sex anyway, blablabla.. I was so shocked. Working fulltime , taking care of our baby (he didnt want to babysit- later he blamed me for not having asked him to babysit while i had to work) having to cook, clean and take care of him. I was exhausted, He stayed out unti 5 or 6 at night. Never taking responsability for our live. He Always called it your life and my life. And was blaming me for everything. Shouting at our baby. I cried every night, alone in the bed. Feeling guilty I brought him in such a difficult country where he couldnt find work. He stopped going to see my friends and family. Didnt even try to communicate with them. .I paid everything for him for 5 years. I kept hoping our good times would come back. At points i thought okay fuck you, now it is OVER he would be sweet and caring again making me hesitate. I loved him so much, Still love him.
I got smart on Narcissism, reading books, advise from a pschologist. I told him it would be better for his career if he moved out to live on his own. He bought it and moved out last year june. Coming to visit over the weekends. Everytime he drove of on Sunday it broke my heart. He is managing just fine, doesnt pay any chlld support or anything. But shows uo on the first schoolday to wish her luck. Never asks after her, but asks everyday how my mum is doing, as my mum had the guts to tell him the truth. And sickly enough he respects her for that. I hate him, and I love him. I miss him and I am so happy he is gone. I want him back, but i never want to see him again.
We need to see eachother because of our kid. But he doesnt really care. And she doesnt miss him.
When I ask if he misses us, he says yes. He showed up unanounced several times in the dark at the door, knocking. I aksed him never to do that again as it gives us a heartattack. Deeply hurt he didnt show up for 2 weeks.
He texts me every night to wish me goodnight,. we call and laugh. But when he is aroun the house for 3,4,5, hours, expecting to be entertained, I cant wait for him to leave. I know it will never work again. But when he leaves I miss him already and when he doesnt text I worry.
I think the pain of missing him and our love is easier to bare that being annoyed, belittled and drained of enevrgy when he is around. But Man, what a difficult thing to decide..I am almost there. Pray for me.

Jan 4 - 5PM
Russell1331
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Hi there

-JR1331