Heart vs. Mind

First, I should say that this has been the most helpful forum I have visited post breakup. That is perhaps due to the fact that I have now encountered people who have truly experienced the same thing as I.

I feel like I am spending way too much time with my ex on my mind. He is taking up more space in my thoughts than anyone should given the treatment I have received from him. I was recently vacationing in a foreign country and thinking about him. Things such as why isn't he here, wishing I could share such great experiences with him, etc. Why am I thinking such things when he is the one who made the choice to leave and not look back?

I wrote so many heartfelt messages to him since the breakup and just could not understand how he could not take the time to respond. Now I totally understand that I was giving just what he wanted. He knew if he ignored me or responded with a short sentence that I would continue reaching out. I am sure I told him everything he wanted to hear. I told him how much I cared for him, how talented he was, how hurt I felt, how I had made changes in myself and how I took all his criticisms of me to heart.

I revealed an incredible number of very personal feelings and thoughts. Each of my messages took many, many hours to put down into writing. One message might have taken me thirty hours to read, reread, edit, read to friends, etc. The only message that really elicited a response was one in which he felt I was criticizing him. I think this is quite revealing as I look back. I believe most normal people would feel the need to respond to someone saying they had been hurt more by someone than they ever had been in their life. I know I would. I would feel so much guilt that I would have to.

I am proud that I have not broken down and responded to the text he sent me last week asking how I was doing on the anniversary of my father's death. I just found a few more of his things at my place that I was not aware I had. Given that it took him nine months to get his stuff, I am thinking I should just throw them away, as I cannot endure another number of months of manipulation.