He stole SO much of my precious time...

31 posts / 0 new

#1 Oct 23 - 3AM

dulcinea441

He stole SO much of my precious time...

...I am 37-years-old and he stole a year of my life away, a year wherein I might have met a good and decent man with whom I might have started a family before it's too late.

He knew that I wanted a child of my own more than ANYTHING else in this world and he PROMISED to give me that.

It is not enough to call him a thief, liar, and a fraud.

He took something invaluable from me and I cannot have it back.

My rage toward him knows no end.

I can get over him, but I don't know if I can get over what he TOOK from me.

I hope and pray it's not too late to realize my dreams.

#2 Oct 24 - 1PM

lillymarch

Sorry, I double posted

Please ignore.

#3 Oct 24 - 3AM

lillymarch

Don't fret, I had my last

Don't fret, I had my last daughter at age 38. She's still a baby and is wonderful. Work on getting healthy, try to remove him from your body and mind. The right man will show up and a family is on the way! I have a friend that had a healthy baby boy at age 42. The key is to open the space in your life for those good things to enter. If he is filling up your mind there is no room for that hot husband to show up. Take care of yourself, you will survive this a better person!

#4 Oct 24 - 12AM

sciencegirl

The point is that he "stole"

Hi. My relationship with my soon to be ex-nh (God willing) was 16 years. I too am devastated by the time gone and the lie most of my adult life has been I'm 36 years old and am starting over from scratch academically with three lovely kids, a crazy-making, messy, expensive uphill legal battle due to the douche-bag BU...I *finally* have my dignity back in tact. I don't think it matters if it is one year, 10 years or 40 years. The fact is - is that they stole a part of us - the goodness in us and it is devastating. But the good news is that you realized it (a lot quicker than some of us) and got out. The other good news is that since you have re-claimed yourself you have TONS more years of something wonderful about to come. At least that is how I see it - I'm an optimist (even though I still have a lot of bad days - but those days are becoming less the more I am away from him). My health is coming back and I finally feel that I have something to offer. NC for me is limited to the one email we must send back and forth each time the children change care to update each other on the kids. I do not engage in any extra comments he throws my way...I just stick to the health, school and care of the kids. Since I have done this it has made my life so much better and the attempts to crazy make are less....he saves his best "work" for his lawyer LOL!!!

#5 Oct 23 - 11PM

dulcinea441

Thank you, everyone, for all

Thank you, everyone, for all your meaningful and heartfelt responses. I realize that some of you have lost many years to your narcs; I feel a bit ashamed to whine over just ONE year lost to his predatory behavior. So many of you have lost so much more than I have lost, and I feel selfish for complaining. Maybe it's because a year, at this point in my life, seems so valuable. Maybe I'm angry with myself for having squandered my thirties on unproductive relationships. More than any of that, though, I think I'm hurting over the fact that what he stole from me was not TIME but HOPE. He knew that I wanted to have a child before it was too late. He pretended to grieve along with me over lost opportunities. He sympathized when I told him how hard it is to look at FaceBook and see all my friends' updates about their wonderful families, even though I love them and am happy for them. Before I met him, I had come to a philosophical place of reckoning with the possibility that I might never have a family of my own, might never give birth. He pumped me full of promises to make my hopes into reality. He swore we would have beautiful babies together. We spoke, excitedly, for hours on end, about what to name our darling children. My dreams came vividly back to life. I was overjoyed after so many seasons of contemplating deep sorrow, of coming to terms with the possible reality of my situation. He breathed new hope and unimaginable joy into my heart. I just can't describe the feeling of what he stole from me. I can't put it into words. There's an emptiness at my core that persists, no matter how much healing work I try to do. I do know that there is time left, that there is hope left, but I am in so much pain over what he took from me so thoughtlessly that it seems impossible to make any dream come true now. I will keep writing here; I will continue getting your invaluable feedback, and, hopefully, I will heal in time from my sense of brokenness, as will you. Love and big hugs to you all, D.

#6 Oct 24 - 3AM (Reply to #26)

Tigerlily

Dear Dulcie

I am the last person in the world to deny what the narcs take from us. They take our innocence, our belief that we are lovable, our ability to love whole-heartedly and with trust. They exploit it, break it, befoul it. They are loathesome, despicable parasites. However: I am just beginning to learn - and it`s not pleasant learning - that what you describe as the "emptiness at my core" was ALWAYS there, even before the narc. By addressing it directly inasmuch as he promised eternal, unconditional love, honor and protection and then doing the exact opposite, he did not cause that emptiness - he just made me aware of it. So my work now consists of addressing that emptiness myself, because that was where he hooked me. I must learn to love, honor and protect myself, because as long as I do not, I will always be at risk from these creatures. Possibly this is true for you too? (!) Love Tigerlily

#7 Oct 24 - 12PM (Reply to #27)

darling.girl

The Core Emptiness

Tigerlily, Your thoughts about a core emptiness ring true for me. It's what made me vulnerable to the narc. I grew up with a narc mother. I did a lot of therapy surrounding her. I learned to find friends who would be my chosen mothers. But then I had problems in my marriage. For 5 years, I fought to make my marriage work and wasn't getting what I wanted. I had just started to work on creating my own life when the narc showed up. So, I was vulnerable. Here came the narc, saying he always loved me, offering me an extraordinarily fascinating, wealthy lifestyle, excitement, intoxication... In short, a solution to my problems (a false one). Now, I'm back where I was before, and in many ways regressed because I have to deal with the aftermath of the narc as I'm also trying to deal with what was there before him. I remember repeating to myself, after he ditched me, "the calvary isn't coming, the calvary isn't coming." Meaning, you aren't going to be rescued. Perhaps, many of us were/are looking for rescue from that deep longing. Love, darling.girl

#8 Oct 23 - 2PM

rosedewittbukater

it's not too late

My friend had a beautiful happy healthy baby at 42. Another family friend had twins at 45!

#9 Oct 23 - 7PM (Reply to #23)

dulcinea441

Thanks for this, Rose -- it

Thanks for this, Rose -- it gives me hope! Hugs, D.

#10 Oct 24 - 12AM (Reply to #24)

rosedewittbukater

welcome

"He pumped me full of promises to make my hopes into reality." This is what they do. They get into your head, heart and soul, find out what your dreams are and then shite all over them. It is so sick. I still have great difficulty comprehending another human being could be this evil. I had the same dreams as you...and gave what were probably my last two childbearing years to this monster. I'm alot older than you though!

#11 Oct 23 - 2PM

strivingforhealing (not verified)

He took 8 years from me and I gave up the best man for him

8 years ago I left the kindest most conscious man I have ever been with- to be with this devil. Now this good man has a wife and child and I am alone. I am 40 and I look back on these 8 years of turmoil, anxiety, sickness and loss and I am GRIEVING all that I gave up to be with a monster. My therapist who is also an intuitive person strongly believes the 2nd half of my life will be freer and fuller than this first half. He says that me giving this man up is like a true releasing of all past pains and that growth and happiness is in my future because I took this bold step. I want to believe him.

#12 Oct 23 - 7PM (Reply to #21)

dulcinea441

Striving, there is so much

Striving, there is so much love and goodness in you -- I believe you WILL find happiness. Sending all of my love and healing thoughts your way, D.

#13 Oct 23 - 2PM (Reply to #20)

Used

strivingforhealing

I BELIEVE HIM, B/C THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME...BELIEVE HIM STRIVING..XXXX

#14 Oct 23 - 2PM (Reply to #19)

Syren66 (not verified)

That is actually a really

That is actually a really encouraging thought for your therapist to impart to you. Take it and run with it!

#15 Oct 23 - 1PM

HoLLeeGirL

Dulcenia, I am in the same

Dulcenia, I am in the same boat. My life ruiner and I tried for a baby for a year and it never happened. Now his new gf is 8 months pregnant. Imagine what I went through when I found that out. So I've been struggling with being 37, wasting all these years on him and NOW thinking something is wrong with me :( A friend of mine is 40 and just had a baby so don't lose hope!! I am right there with you and we will be ok :)

#16 Oct 23 - 7PM (Reply to #17)

dulcinea441

I'm so sorry. I feel your

I'm so sorry. I feel your grief. But we will find happiness and fulfillment. Our road is just a little longer, But it will happen. We are too good and loving not to be so blessed. Hugs, D.

#17 Oct 23 - 9AM

ruby01 (not verified)

dulcinea

I think at this point you have to look at it as the cup is half full. There was a reason that you crossed paths. Look for whatever positive came from it. It's there.

#18 Oct 23 - 7PM (Reply to #15)

dulcinea441

Thank you, hun. I'm going to

Thank you, hun. I'm going to try to take this message in, going forward. xoxo D.

#19 Oct 23 - 8AM

onwithmylife

dulcenia

My ex narc STOLE 15 years out of my life and I was not even married to him, and once when he dumped me, it was many times, I went out and dated and met a really great guy and could be married to him by now, but no my heart was still with the narc so i let this good guy go, i still feel badly about it.what I think you have to do is take all your learned from the narc and make sure it never happens again, in that way you can look at him as a teacher with things about yourself to learn. I am older than many of you and have not met any decent guy in over 2 years of looking and not looking...only one guy who turned out to have mommy and women issues........

#20 Oct 23 - 7PM (Reply to #13)

dulcinea441

Thank you, sweetie. You help

Thank you, sweetie. You help me keep things in perspective.

#21 Oct 23 - 7AM

Used

dulicinea441

i *lost* 7years, at an age when i couldnt afford to give 7years to someone like him...now i am out, i feel diffrently, had i met him b/f i met myexh, i would have married him instead....GODFORBID....myexh may have been what he was, but he was a million times the man, narc will ever be...we had children and he was a good father all thru the pregnancies and births...[narc wasent even at the birth for his child] he went to see his child when she was 6mnths old, and demanded a dna test from his ex.....to have been with the narc in a full on r/s/marriage would have killed me,if he hadnt... every day i say to my self...I AM FREE....it also made me look at my self, my past behaviours, my personality, that i was attracted to men like this.... i know now who i am, why i am, who i am, and on a bad day when i used to ask god why he sent narc into my life.... i know why he did....i had to learn about me, and narc was the messenger.....i am now, happy, content , but MOST OF ALL FREE....tho i know there will never be another man in my life....i am content and at peace with that.....i hope you all find this place in your life,that one day you can think of them, but all you think is...I AM FREE. THANKGOD...XXXX

#22 Oct 23 - 7PM (Reply to #11)

dulcinea441

I appreciate your kind words.

I appreciate your kind words. I am meditating on all this tonight. Your caring thoughts mean so much to me. Thank you.

#23 Oct 23 - 6AM

NarcJunkie

It's not too late

I'm 38 and also lost one year. My friends told me: be grateful that you saw him for what he is so early on. Be grateful that you didn't get pregnant! My thearapist told me: you're LUCKY! Now you're still young enough to find a good man and start a family. What if you had lost another year? Well.. I certainly didn't FEEL lucky... My relationship with him hadn't even started when he dumped me and I envied the OW with every cell of my body and was consumed with anger and despair for many months. Well, it has now been 8 months since the breakup and I am no longer terrified to be alone on a sunny Sunday, no longer crying my eyes out when I wake up in the morning and he's not next to me. I wake up with myself and with an open heart again. When I look back on this lost year now, I realize it wasn't really lost. What I "lost" was a loved up spring and summer in an imaginary relationship and a friend who wasn't a true friend. What I gained was a massive push forward in my personal development. It wasn't fun, but it was real... and reading all the stories here I realize that I probably really WAS lucky that he dumped me so soon.

#24 Oct 23 - 7PM (Reply to #9)

dulcinea441

Thanks, NJ. Your words really

Thanks, NJ. Your words really mean a lot to me. Hugs, D.

#25 Oct 23 - 6AM

indenial

he stole my precious time too

Its so uncanny how we seem to read out own stories in someone elses words. I was 38 when I got ivolved with him. He knew my dream was to have another child before time ran out. He knew I was lonely now my boys were older and I'd always wanted to try for a girl. He promised me it all. Ivf to choose the sex everything. Sent me photos of him with his baby niece in his arms he wanted me pregnant so much and then when I fell pregnant he left me didn't want to know. Told me hed take me for a termination. I ended up having that termination alone. He came back to me again and I took him back just to be treated worse than ever. I wasted 2 and a half years and I'm 41 now. I can see now that he deliberately set out to leave me like this. I hope and pray its not too late too and that a full recovery can be made. Stay strong

#26 Oct 23 - 11PM (Reply to #7)

Susan32

That's sick

Going as far as to have IVF to have a child-and then for him to up&demand an abortion- that is SICK. Of him. Wantonly using your dreams for a child to personally hurt you. One moment saying "I want you to have my baby, I want you to have my baby"-then abandoning you to terminate the pregnancy. That is PROFOUNDLY sick. It's the calculated abandonment-esp. when you needed him, during your pregnancy- that is so cold blooded. I'm sorry you suffered like that. Nobody should suffer like that.

#27 Oct 23 - 7PM (Reply to #6)

dulcinea441

My heart really aches for

My heart really aches for you, Indenial. We ARE going to heal from this and make real the lives that WE want. We're getting stronger everyday. We'll stick together in this and not only survive, but thrive! Love and big hugs, D.

#28 Oct 23 - 3AM

5kdznme

Hugs..

Mine took 12. Really sucks. Know that it was your "learning" year - thank goodness you realized things as they are a LOT faster than I did and that there are no children involved. Cheers to your new life! And no, there is still plenty of time for those dreams - I am rounding the corner of 35 and I think I have a few more kids in me. (I have 5 now... still plenty of time to be single, then find a great man, have more babies... ) You're still young.:)

#29 Oct 23 - 4AM (Reply to #2)

dulcinea441

Thanks, sweetie. I'm crying

Thanks, sweetie. I'm crying over my sense of loss, but I have to know that all is not completely over, not yet. They make us feel as though we have lost all of our hopes and dreams when they go away, but it isn't true. I'm just so outraged over the the valuable time he used up, but that's no reason to give up on love and the possibility of future fulfillment. Thanks for your words of support. Hugs, D,

#30 Oct 23 - 4AM (Reply to #3)

Syren66 (not verified)

I'm 45...7 years of my life

I'm 45...7 years of my life wasted...and what happened between us relating to our chances at a family is something I don't think I'll ever be able to talk about. It's over and I can't change any of it...I can only build a new foundation on the ashes...I have and will continue to do so. Working through all feelings related to that mess has been so hard, so heartbreaking, I have felt so torn to shreds for so long...and have finally emerged into the light of day. Thank GOD. Be thankful you're not chained to that creep for life...and a child would have done just that. You're meant to have a child with someone who truly values and loves you. It was a blessing in disguise, Dulcinea. Don't cry; rejoice! Now you're free to find a real man with whom you can build a real life and produce a happy, healthy family.

#31 Oct 23 - 7AM (Reply to #4)

Swan

that was how he hooked me

The promise of a child. I so desperately wanted one. What he did during the process (over 3 years) to me is absolutely despicable. Some things are so unspeakable. I just wanted to have a child. I just wanted to have my own family. That's normal isn't it? But he took advantage of that desperation and exploited me in the cruelest of ways. I stayed because that is how desperate i was to have child. I would have done anything. That was his hook. I wasted 6 years with him.

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