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Is he just a narc when he has ALL of the characteristics or is he something more?

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#1 Dec 20 - 9PM
janemarie
janemarie's picture

Is he just a narc when he has ALL of the characteristics or is he something more?

When reading about narcs...I often read that they can be like this or like that....

The ex narc I was with was ALL of them....he bounced from victim, no self-steem...to high self-esteem......easy going to violent anger....sweet as pie to mean and cruel...sometimes he had all the answers...sometimes he pretended he didnt. Always contradictory....

I never knew what he would be because he had so many sides. So I was wondering...is he just a narc or could he have some other disorder in addition to this?

Dec 20 - 10PM
bgirl
bgirl's picture

I'm with u there......how DO

I'm with u there......how DO you temper the empathy in yourself and increases the resilience and assertiveness???
Dec 20 - 10PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Sounds like Bi-polar Disorder

Sounds like Bi-polar Disorder can be playing a part as well. Always a possibility. You may want to look into that too. A doctor can easily diagnose that disorder, and there is medication for that disorder as well. But in no uncertain terms, does that make him any easier to live with. Life with the BiPolar is a life of misery also. There are different levels of this disorder as well. Some just have mood swings others can have every symptom including hallucinations. It's terrible, really. And most that are medicated, rarely stay on their meds. Either way you slice it, life with the disordered is no life to live.
Dec 27 - 9PM (Reply to #11)
Run4it
Run4it's picture

Bipolar??

Ok, lightbulb moment....when i first started dating my ex N, told me he took Seroquel for insomnia, along with Valium. I looked it up as drugs are on my no no list of things in guys I date. Saw that is was for BPD as well and actually asked him about this. No, just for insomnia due to divorce trauma. He tapered down the dosage during the year we dated. This may be one of the reasons he started getting more psycho as time progressed as well. He also told me about seeing dead people he knew. Crap, wth was I thinking? Wow, how many red flags could there have been that I just threw under the bus? Whew, so glad I am out of this. I was entrenched in the insanity to an extent I would have never imagined possible.
Dec 20 - 9PM
survivalist
survivalist's picture

I've asked myself the same

I've asked myself the same question, and my conclusion was this... Whether he's a narc or not is irrelevant. The real question is: Was he abusive or not? If he was abusive, then his personality disorder or whatever it is, is his problem, not yours. The follow-up question then becomes: If he was abusive, why did I tolerate it? Then the issue becomes your own and you can start focusing on yourself. Forget him and his issues, they are his to writhe in, and live miserably with.
Dec 20 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
janemarie
janemarie's picture

Never thought of it that

Never thought of it that way....Im sick of trying to figure it out...him out....ME...I have to start focusing on ME! How the hell do I do that when everything I was doing in my relationship I thought was right??? I loved him...showed him affection..was hands on with his kids..took very good care of all the kids (his and mine)...kept the home beautiful...cooked well....I was there for him whenever he needed me emotionally and physically,..all the sex he wanted...I was funny, playful, sincere, honest... All my friends and his friends tell me he is an ass for ruining it all,,the guys tell me I was the perfect woman and he blew it...so...was I wrong? I think Im just too fucking nice and too trusting....how do you change that?!?!?
Dec 27 - 3PM (Reply to #8)
virginia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Hi Janemarie...

Hi Janemarie, It is me again :)..That is exactly why you were with the N's in your life and I was with mine. We were great or perfect in their eyes. We were extensions to the N's false self of perfection. They end up resenting you, for the very traits that attracted them to you. They like your self sacrificial ways that served them well, but they resent you for wanting to be closer and more giving to them. They also resent that they are so dependent on you for their false ego needs. Their true self doesn't feel worthy. Their false self is grandiose. Their true self is shame based with deep self loathing. How could you love a person like me? You must be an inferior being to put up with me, but I depend on you for NS. Therefore, I resent the dependency I have on you. It is your fault that I can and do depend on you. I depended on my mother who wasn't able to love me. You don't love me either, and I don't love you, but I need you for NS. I need my NS partner, but I hate them. I resent you now for having the qualities that I don't possess and never will. So, I have to resent my source "you" too for my dependency needs. That is what goes on in the N's head...When you pull back, and take care of yourself with less co-dependency, you will be able to make some changes so PD's don't use you and dispose of you anymore. You give less to them, you lose less, you then resent less...simply put...
Dec 27 - 4PM (Reply to #9)
janemarie
janemarie's picture

POWERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

POWERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You should post this!!!!! xoxo
Dec 20 - 10PM (Reply to #3)
walking_on_sunshine
walking_on_sunshine's picture

Too nice

Hi Jane, I would like to bet you probably did do everything right and he was just a stupid narc who didn't appreciate what he had. It baffels me too, and I cant help but be hurt by it, even though i know its not my fault. But really, its picking at the core values of our own ideas of womanhood when we are devalued. As for changing, it will happen naturally over time, just keep learning and examining yourself. I used to think of myself as overly empathic when I was younger and I didnt want to change that for anybody. I liked that about myself and I saw it as a gift of sensitivity. Now I'm a bit tougher and truthfully I'm happier with it.
Dec 20 - 10PM (Reply to #4)
janemarie
janemarie's picture

But HOW did you get there

But HOW did you get there Sunshine???? How did you get tougher???? Where and how did you learn it???
Dec 27 - 5PM (Reply to #5)
walking_on_sunshine
walking_on_sunshine's picture

Hi Jane Marie, Sorry I missed

Hi Jane Marie, Sorry I missed seeing this post to reply to. It just happened over time. I had 2 unfortuate things happen to me which I can remember for whatever reason affected my empathy levels. I'm not sure what the events had in common except that they were both sort of hard knocks of life. Injustices maybe? A near death experience due to medical malpractise was probably the biggest turning point. I didn't want to sue the dr because I worried about the stress on his family and what it would do to his reputation. About a year or 2 after that when I was left with the consequences, all I could think of was his bad attitude about the whole situation and instead my feelings changed to " who gives a shit about his reputation and his family, what the hell about me and my suffering"? Still,I never ended up suing him. But now for example,at this point, I'd be more inclined to sue the Dr if it happened now, and the stress on him and his family that would occur from suing him would come secondary to my own need to receive justice and compensation for the malpractise.Its not that I wouldn't feel empathy for him,I still would, but I would feel concern for myself first and place my own needs over his. So exactly what in that experience caused the shift, I dont know. Maybe seeing the way most people look after themselves and their own agendas and how I wasn't doing the same and suffered for it ? Also, what happened when I started to do this? I got positive re-inforcement from it. That even though I didn't want to loose that empathic part of myself, I was happier when I was less affected by the world around me.
Dec 27 - 10PM (Reply to #7)
janemarie
janemarie's picture

I always put myself second...third...fourth....

Sunshine I can relate to your experiences with putting yourself second and then resenting it later. When I moved out...I left behind the bed I bought for us and the new orthopedic mattress I bought to help with the exNs so-called arthritis...because I felt bad if I left him with nothing and he would have to sleep on the floor,,,,then 4 days later he is screwing some other woman on it.....talk about a regret....ugh...what a burn that was!!!! Then....my therapist..who I was seeing for 3 months..put major inappropriate moves on me when I was at my lowest point...Did I report him? No...Why? Because he is older and I felt bad for him and dont want to be the cause of him losing his license....I still think about that every day...still resentful of him and myself for letting it happen and then not doing anything about it.... Im not at that point yet...never was ever at that point...dont know if I will ever be there but I will try very hard....
Dec 27 - 9PM (Reply to #6)
bgirl
bgirl's picture

This is a fantastic post

This is a fantastic post sunshine....I always put his needs and for that matter everyone in my life's needs before mine. It makes you exhausted, resentful, shocked, pained. I am so empathetic it is debilitating to me....I need to focus more on my feelings for self preservation purposes. My counsellor tells me I am not that powerful that I can make others happy. I'm just not that powerful...:)