He appeared

21 posts / 0 new

#1 Dec 14 - 9AM

truetotruth

He appeared

I metioned that my ex contacted me via work number a few weeks ago. Last week a recieved a tuble of texts and calls.
Ive been hiding out here just reading.
In one text he said he called because he loved me and it went on and on.

It got to me. I decided to do the unthinkable and I searched him in local dating sites. Guess what I found? Yep him looking to date. I always know better. I was furious!!! I texted him breaking 16 weeks of NC to tell him that he was the most selfish hurtful person I had ever known. That I knew about the dating and not to bother me anymore. I told him it was sick.

He texted back and said how dare I judge him for wanting to socialize and be able to forget me. He said what am I supposed to do suffer thinking about you every second. He said I am selfish....maybe I am.

Im so twisted. Do I want anyone to suffer? No. Do I think maybe it wouldnt hurt him a bit to feel some remorse....oh man... I can't believe this is me. He cant feel anything.
He says he is betrayed and heartbroken!!!! I didnt do anything except kick him out when I caught him in yet another lie....Damn it!!!! Is he betrayed that I refused to be his punching bag or his door mat??

What I think is that if you say you are sorry you do not go and repeat the same behavior over and over.

He lied. That is on him. That was my only condition in reconciling with him. Dont Freakin lie to me. He lied. I am gone.

I am going to change this number somehow. I am so tired of being sick enough myself to believe that he loved me.
Its exhausting. There is no hope here. There is no love in this man.

Today I feel so defeated. So lost. I want to run..I want to run until I collapse. Please help me....I dont know what to do anymore. It would be our anniversary tomorrow.
Im losing my grip.

I did something completely childish. When I saw him on the dating website I signed up too. Just to make a point...i think maybe just to hurt him a little. What does that make me....I feel like such an ass.

I never brought up his shortcomings for fear I may hurt him to deeply. I lost my marbles and put myself up on that site. I am disgusted with myself. In my head I thought ok if you have no heart..im gonna not have one too and move on. Needless to say the responses put me in bed most of the day Sunday crying.

I see the life I could have..its here....im wasting it longing for something that doesn't belong.....

Someone pray for me... I just don't know what to do anymore.

#2 Dec 14 - 7PM

agnesmurphy17

Betrayed

Yes. He is betrayed because you refused to stick around for the abuse. And he loves you . . . that's why he's dating other women. And if you point out these contradictions, his lies . . . whoa! What's the problem? YOU want him to suffer? That's not nice. YOU'RE not nice. gee whiz. Look. Mine went on & on about how DEVASTATED he was that I left him. I broke his heart. I gave mine about 4 weeks notice that I was leaving. He had a new woman all lined up by the time of my departure. She was in the house the day after I left. They were on a vacation within 3 weeks. She moved into my house after three months. All while he was sending me e-mails about his devastation & seeking reconciliation! Ten months later, just after our divorce, he contacted me after I saw him with another woman at a concert. They sat two seats away from me in assigned seats. I ignored him & vice versa. But when he wrote something to me about the concert, I asked, "Gee what happened to the other woman?" He said, "None of your business." I wrote back, "You made it my business when you were seeking reconcilation with me while you were living with her. Writing to me about your broken heart. I knew the whole time. It was no secret." What did he write back, "Nobody knew the depth of my despair." And he asked, "Are you upset that I replaced you too quickly?" Yeah. Right. I wanted to write back. & did you tell your new woman about the depth of your despair while you were seducing her . . . while telling her that she made you happier than you have ever been in your life? But I didn't bother. She contacted me after she left him at 10 months. She was stunned when she read his reconciliation, I love you, etc. e-mails to me. He told her the same lines that he told me, I too made him happier than any woman ever had. I think that there so much anger because they guys play us for fools. And when confronted with their lies & inconsistencies, they are either enraged or the victim of your insensitivity. This is why they are called PATHOLOGICALS. The lies, the reasoning, always folding in on itself. And the rage & humiliation at realizing, one woman or the other, really doesn't matter. We are all interchangeable. One can never win. This is why NC is the only way.

#3 Dec 14 - 2PM

helldweller

truetotruth

Prayers your way, first of all. There is nothing we can do to get these people to play by rules, to feel sorry, to feel remorse, to feel anything. I say the same thing to mine: be sorry and don't lie. He could NOT apologize. Could NOT say he was sorry. And could not even admit what he'd done. They are incapable of this. You are so far ahead because you realize this. Geez, think of all the women out there that stil have no idea what they are up against. Remember those times? The first nagging suspicions? The wondering about what was wrong? The shock at the weird things happening? Remember when you first started looking for answers? When you thought you were pressuring him or asking too much? God bless you, sweetheart. Sayings are goofy, but you know what they say: "If you're going through Hell, keep going."

#4 Dec 14 - 2PM (Reply to #19)

truetotruth

Helldweller 2

I think while you were writing this i was writing you. Great minds. You are so right about the not knowing phase. That is the worst..when you are on the brink of unravelling it all...sigh Can I tell you guys something??? I am feeling like its me again. I am starting to feel like maybe I am the narc. I am really losing it today....I just feel like what if I am in denial and its me??? What if ...Anyone else ever feel like maybe i dunno its you? Sorry WOW what a day!!

#5 Dec 14 - 12PM

Briseis

One simple thing would

One simple thing would prevent this from happening again. Block him on your phone. You aren't twisted, or crazy. You are VULNERABLE. Early NC is a time where you have to block every avenue, plug every hole to protect yourself. Early NC is like a house of cards. You build it and keep the window closed so a breeze won't blow it down, keep the door locked so a rambunctious kid won't topple it. Education and support add glue and steel to your previous house of cards, and after a while of healing, you have a real HOUSE. I know you don't want that assclown back. But it's almost as horrid to break NC to lay into him as it is to beg him to come back. Look at you now :( . Emotionally strung out. Beating the daylights out of yourself :( Back in the "hole" :( . Who would take 16 weeks of NC and blow it on attacking their Narc? Oh, everyone :D . Anyone. I still wish I could tie him to a chair and spend a few hours in an empty room with him. I could fill the time with plenty of things to say (or do >:D ). I'd feel like total sh*t afterward and be all obsessed and preoccupied for days and days afterward and though it would feel good at the time, it wouldn't DO any good, not even for me. In early NC, a person doesn't have the "wisdom" yet to play it forward, and predict how they'll feel after a contact. Usually, this is how the wisdom is gained. By going through what you just did. Now. Block his ass from your phone. You deserve this small, simple step. It will certainly prevent a barrage of texts to set you over the edge again ((((hugs))))

#6 Dec 14 - 1PM (Reply to #8)

truetotruth

Block phone

Hi guys I just wanted to mention its my work phone..getting new number means providing an explaination. I know I have to put my big girl panties on and do it but I thought it was really over.

#7 Dec 14 - 6PM (Reply to #17)

mystwoman

Just a suggestion, but does

Just a suggestion, but does your work phone have a "Do Not Disturb" button? The reason I ask is that my work phone does, and when xnh was being a real pain in butt right after the D&D, I just pushed the "Do Not Disturb" button whenever I saw it was him and sent him directly to voice mail. I then had all of his messages recorded for future evidence, if necessary. I could either save or delete them, whichever I choose. A "Hold" button is a variation of this. Just put him on "hold" and leave him there until either his ears drop off or he disconnects. I don't know whether or not you work with him, but if you don't, you could simply hang up on him whenever he calls. If you do work with him, it might a little sticky for you to do this depending on your job, but you could refuse to speak to him about anything but business. I DO work with xnh, but I'm in a position that he has absolutely no business calling me. This makes it a little easier for me to just send his calls into "Never Never Land." Briseis is correct, sometimes you have to MAKE it over with these guys. Xnh would still be tormenting me every single day, if I hadn't simply refused to have any more contact with him. I was done. Xnh has no vote about it. We're not "friends" any longer. Period. I really feel for you about this. Hugs.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#8 Dec 14 - 1PM (Reply to #16)

Briseis

Well . . . apparently, it's

Well . . . apparently, it's not :( . But you CAN MAKE it over :) You can give any old explanation you want for a number change. No one can read your mind. It's a matter of deciding which consequence is WORSE. Having a period of a few days or weeks of transition til everyone catches on, or having THIS happen again. I HATE myself some big girl panties :D Alas. Is it a cell phone for a personal business? I hear you, changing a number like this is a big deal. Is it possible to buy an app that just blocks HIS number?

#9 Dec 14 - 1PM (Reply to #9)

truetotruth

No asking back

Also I will not ask him back. Ever. He made his bed. He can lie in it (literally).....Im just mad that I broke NC even if it was just to tell him off. I just had enough of the insanity. Once again I called himm on his BS and he shoved it back at me......Will I ever learn? There is really nothing to say to him...ever. Period. I thought I had gotten it through my thick skull..Here we go again. Thank you all for your support....

#10 Dec 14 - 1PM (Reply to #10)

Briseis

You just DID learn. It just

You just DID learn. It just DID get through your thick skull :D . It feels to me (by what you write) that you GOT IT. And that in spite of how much this hurts and bewilders you, your lesson is learned. In a year from now, hon, you're gonna look back on this and see it as a blip on the radar. Really. It's NOT the end of the world, you just have to subtract . . . hmmm, two or three days from your cumulative NC :D . One day for the actual contact and two or so days for the time you are spending suffering and beating yourself up because of it (stop beating yourself up!)

#11 Dec 14 - 1PM (Reply to #11)

truetotruth

Bris

Thank you......One year from now sounds sooo good. I did get in the sense that in the past he would "get me" he would convince me he was aching. I would give in. Something made me do the search. Yes it was a blessing cause what would have happened had I not found it?.. However I really think the chances of me not finding anything was slim to none. Thast why I never creeped him on line. I didn't want to know. I didnt want to hurt anymore. I already knew the truth and that was enough. Thank you for the feedback and being so positive in my corner... I am trying not to beat myself up, its truly hard not to. One foot in front of the other...here I go :(

#12 Dec 14 - 2PM (Reply to #12)

Briseis

That feeling of OUTRAGE,

That feeling of OUTRAGE, though . . . for me, three and a half years later, it is still there. All it does is make me shake my head and roll my eyes now, but back in early NC? Holy crow. It was unbearable at times. Give yourself permission to be outraged. It is outrageous. It always will be. The reactivity of that feeling will mellow out over time (thank gawd). Part of learning the ropes of respecting yourself again is to allow this outrage to "be". To let it burn like a flame. It is a very healthy thing to take forward into life, in all relationships. When people treat you with disrespect, you'll KNOW it and it will inform you about that person. Be it a close work mate or some ding dong on the phone, instead of feeling victimized you'll feel a sense of outrage. Outrage can be very quiet. Mine usually is. I don't go marching around telling people off for disrespecting me. I just put a big black marker through them in my mind. And then, I ignore them. Or think, "whatEVER!". These not so lovely incidences that look HORRID right now will serve you well. None of the stuff happening to you right now is long term "bad". We don't grow without pain. We don't feel a need to change without pain. And I hate that it has to happen this way. But this incident WILL make you stronger. It already has :)

#13 Dec 14 - 2PM (Reply to #13)

truetotruth

Outrage

This is exactly how I feel!!! outraged!! Briseis? how long were you with your ex-n. Is it normal for me to feel scared that 3 years from now I will still be outraged?

#14 Dec 14 - 4PM (Reply to #15)

gettinbetter

They stay with you a long

They stay with you a long time not in the sense that you think of them everyday. Its just that they forever change you. After round one I went on and married didnt think of him often but on occasion I would see something that reminded me and I would get a weird feeling but it didnt last long. I do know the pain goes away but right now its hard for me to imagine.

#15 Dec 14 - 2PM (Reply to #14)

Briseis

We were together seven

We were together seven years. I still feel a sense of outrage, but it doesn't grab me and bend me in half with the intensity it used to. It's is mellow, something I shake my head over, take a deep breath over. But not SUFFER. Yes it's normal to fear you will always feel as bad as you do right now. But you won't. You won't even feel this bad tomorrow. The season for these feelings is NOW, but this season will pass.

#16 Dec 14 - 10AM

gettinbetter

How do ya like this mine

How do ya like this mine described the woman he was looking for as me. Listed specific things about me. Cited specific things that he did with me. My friend read it and said OMG he's describing you

#17 Dec 14 - 2PM (Reply to #5)

truetotruth

SOI

Oh girl the more I read you the more i begin to wonder if I have a twin lol... Mine didnt go the evily far but he did use my fav thing to do..... Sometimes I felt like my ex felt nothing and that he mimicked my personality and good qualites. I would see him do things and thought at first oh thats so great he likes that I do that and so he picked it up. Imitation is the sincerest from of flattery...in the end I felt like he did these things to seem good but really wasn't. Like he was impersonating a real person....I cant quite explain it...do I make any sense?

#18 Dec 14 - 2PM (Reply to #6)

gettinbetter

yep

I played my car stereo loud then he did. If I had a business dinner then he did. I love spending time on my boat he bought one. I will say though he did have his own interests I remember when I found that match.com page it was like someone kicked me in the stomach. I really had no right to feel that way since I'm married but for months this man led me astray with the I have always loved yous he had me believeing that we were gonna have the life we should have had all those years ago. I emailed him and said omg. Match.com?I didnt think that decent looking guys even went on those sites! I have never gotten a response I'm sure he was embarrased

#19 Dec 14 - 10AM (Reply to #4)

StillHurting

Crazy ones they all are....

Yours described you in what he is looking for, and mine is trying to become me by being a girl!

#20 Dec 14 - 9AM

StillHurting

I am sorry....

So sorry you are going through this. I can imagine how you would feel seeing him on a site. You probably feel like warning all the women to stay away from him. I don't know what to say except I am sorry to hear you upset, and I am sorry for all of us out here because we all had good intentions with these guys. It will get better!

#21 Dec 14 - 9AM (Reply to #2)

truetotruth

Still hurting Thanks

Thank you....I am so lost and confused...who the hell contacts someone after 14 weeks begs that person to see them and say they love them..while looking for a new victim!!!!! aaaaaaaaaarggggg It makes me nuts!!!

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews