Having a hard time today.

I am having a really hard time today. I have been NC for a while, I don’t even remember the last time we talked or saw each other. The CD is out of control today. All the things he said during the first 6 months keep playing in my head. All the times he would talk about love and marriage and future. All the times he chased me when I would get cold feet. Well, those cold feet were from my gut screaming, saying get the hell out of this relationship. I completely fell in love with this asshole, and I knew from the beginning it was wrong. I knew what I had to know on our first date, but I still stayed, knowing all the red flags from just the first few hours. I had the inclination that I could be the one girl to change him. Yeah right.

I have been seeing my therapist again. She has suggested a new type of therapy, since the one we use, your standard one on one talk therapy is not going to get me anywhere. I know my problems, where it all started (my N father, and my mother who chased him for 20 years) and what I have to do. My therapist suggested EMDR therapy, which I am trying for the first time tomorrow.

But to be honest, I miss him. I miss the good times, the things he said, etc. I have hated him and have been angry for a while now, but it all has turned to missing him. By no means will I act on it, that is why I am posting here. But God I wish he would get out of my head already.

It also doesn’t help that my tenant is good friends with him, and I found out that my exN has moved into my condo last weekend. He is living 2 blocks away from me now, in my old place, that I own and rent out because it is only a 1 bedroom. I have rented out my condo for the last 5 years. Now my tenant is letting my exN live there for free. Good thing, I have no communication with either of them, my tenant mails the check monthly….but just knowing he is in my old home, 2 blocks away sends my mind spinning and spinning away. I have no control over who my tenant allows to stay there or visit. There is nothing I can do about that, and believe me I have checked with my attorney. And just to clarify, my exN did not and does not want me back, so his move has nothing to do with me, only that he can stay with his friend for free and mooch off him for awhile.

I hope this stops soon, I can’t stand this feeling.

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