Having extreme hate

23 posts / 0 new

#1 Jan 20 - 11PM

stives23

Having extreme hate

Does anyone else have those days where you have extreme hate towards the exN? I have been doing well lately, some days I rarely think of him, and other times I am happy of the lessons I learned from this awful person. But then I have days like today, where I have so much hate in my entire being towards him. I find myself almost disgusted by envisioning his face, or imagining his touch. I hate how he treated me, and I hate that I stayed and let him treat me like dirt.

I am in therapy, and when I told my therapist about my hatred, she told me that it will take time, but not to dwell on it. She also said the anger is a good thing, because it is giving me strength. I feel that my anger is helping me with my NC because if I didn't have that, I feel as though I would crumble and contact him.

My hate is not at the extent where I would every do anything to him, but the thought of ever seeing him again makes me want to vomit. I've never hated someone so much in my life. And it makes me hate him even more that I once thought I loved him, and I thought we were so close. Now I feel hatred towards the fact that he tricked me, lied and abused my love. And I wish he could know how much he hurt me. I feel as though the only message I am sending about how much he did hurt me is going NC.

Anyone else have these feelings?

#2 Jan 22 - 1PM

Carolyn

negative emotions create bad

negative emotions create bad body chemistry so try not to think thoughts that will cause problem. If you can find a copy of 'Weight Loss for the Mind' by Stuart Wilde it will help you a lot with the baggage that you get from these people. It is normal, when you have been abused, to have some re-action and sometimes it changes from sadness, to grief, anger, relief, understanding, healing. You aren't a robot but a woman and you have had a traumatic experience. I hope your healing is quick and that a fun life is waiting for you right around the corner. Here is a meditation that might help. you can read it in the morning and at night before bed: I am freed from all resentment or attachment toward or from emotional pain, people, places, or things fo the past or present. I manifest my true people, I am receiving all the unlimited health that the universe has for me now, and I am blessed with the true prosperity and riches that the universe is sending to me now. Affirmations for anger that you can say whenever you want to change your thoughts are: I forgive him but I hold him acountable I forgive him because he cannot know how to do things differently I let go of anger for my own well-being There is forgiveness in my heart. You will move on and do fine he will move on but to trouble, problems and eventually disaster. Try not to stay in contact with him in person or in your mind for your sake. You are your first priority!

#3 Jan 21 - 4PM

tasha

...

I was raised to believe that hate is a bad thing-it consumes to much of your time and energy. Like an evil quality that you try not to have. Since having Narcs in my life-I have changed my mind. Hate is a powerful passionate emotion(like love almost or jealousy) and I think for alot of women here, is a reaction to being exposed to A Narc. Friends and family told me to get over it,rise above it or you are a better person than he is. That P*ssed me off!I didn't want to be a better person-I wanted to be his EXECUTIONER! I feel better now. It took alot of work to get to this place and I have to say hate provided some of the drive to get better.

#4 Jan 21 - 5PM (Reply to #15)

fairy wings

Hate

I too was brought up to believe that to hate was wrong. I do not think my mother was wrong when she said, 'hate is a horrible word, I don't want to hear you say you hate anyone'. I think my mother knew that if you have hatred in your heart you cannot be living from a position of love. Hatred is negative energy, love is positive. I do understand what everyone is saying here and I totally respect your views and your feelings, however I find I cannot agree with you. I could have decided not to comment, however I feel one of the main benefits of this site is for us to share experiences and feelings and to learn from each other. I know I have continued to learn by visiting this site and as we are all at different stages of letting go we can support each other. I therefore have decided to comment. I too have felt rage at the injustice and of feeling powerless in his presence. I too sat and saw the look of evil when he delighted in tormenting me, however when I felt that rage I took it as a signal that I still had something to learn about me. Wasn't the whole reason he blamed us and got angry with us, because he felt he had some justification for it, because he was able to blame us? If we then blame our rage and hatred on him aren't we the same? No I hear you calling, we are not the same because we didn't do the terrible things to him that he did to us. Maybe we didn't, infact I'm sure we didn't, however that does not make our anger, hatred or rage justified. I know none of you is suggesting that you perpetrate actual violence to get even, however thinking how you would retaliate is stirring up negativity within you. I try very hard to live my life by the Buddhist principle that anger is very rarely, if ever justified. When anger is justified we should say how we feel in one short sharp sentence and then comment no more, however genrally our anger, rage and hatred has far more to do with us. When I first came across this principle I resisted it; I'd read it and think, 'yes, but'. That was me trying to justify my hatred and anger, trying to let myself off the hook. There have been lots of discussions here about how Narcs project anger and hatred on to us because it is preferable to the alternative which is to allow themselves to feel the pain of those feelings when they rise in them. If we hate him, we are doing exactly the same, we are projecting our pain on to him. If we sit with the hate and with the pain, the anger and the rage we will eventually learn to let go, we will get in touch with our own feelings, we will get to know ourselves and we will get to know exactly what we would not tolerate again. Hating someone else is sticking a plaster on your hurt; it stops you being at peace with yourself and it stops you loving yourself. My mother was right, you cannot love with hate in your heart. I'm not pretending it is easy, however if you go on hating you won't heal. You will also be projecting hate in to the world and hate in to your own life. I am not judging anyone who is still at this stage. I have been there, however I do know from personal experience and from the many women I have worked with that you will not be able to let go until you let go of these negative emotions. You have a choice to purify the negativity and it won't be achieved through hatred.

#5 Jan 23 - 7AM (Reply to #16)

tasha

fairy wings

I know what you are saying fairy wings. And it is okay to have a differing opinion-it's great to read of others insight. I think the hatred here is reactionary-I think NOW it's okay to feel the spectrum of emotions especially when we have been mortally hurt-That is indeed what makes us human. It's exactly that 'range' of emotions that separates us from patholgicals. It's like when a loved on dies-we naturally go through the stages of grief. Sometimes negative emotions do attract negative energy from the universe, though I won't suppress the feelings I have, like with hate I let it have it's time with me because I think that every emotion has a purpose. Wasn't the whole reason he blamed us and got angry with us, because he felt he had some justification for it, because he was able to blame us? If we then blame our rage and hatred on him aren't we the same? He got angry with us because he is pathological, he blamed us because he is pathogical. I don't think we are the same as them-because we feel emotions like remorse,gult and empathy.They are hard wired differently. We are not as they-Narc rage is not like ours-ours will pass as will the hatred. We each deal with hurt differently. I think hatred is part of a process. I do believe that we are responsible for our own happiness-but while it hurts that is a near impossible concept to grasp. And if you have PTSD and that has become embeded into you pyschi it's hard to move past and not feel resentment. Pathogicals have a very damaging affect on us and when I finally become aware of how much damage he did-I wasn't happy. The only happiness I got was from learning that he was like a mouse stuck on a tread wheel-and that his life would never change. And that gave me the courage to move on and live my life.

#6 Jan 23 - 5PM (Reply to #17)

fairy wings

Tasha - Thank you

Tasha, thank you for your comments and for taking the time to reply to my post. We learn when we come across a different view unless of course we are N's then we learn nothing! I think you make a very good point when in response to my post you say that the N will blame us because he is pathological and this will never change, whereas we go through the range of emotions and deal with each in turn in our own time as part of the healing process. I do agree with this and I also agree that he (they) will be stuck in their cycle of negativity whereas we will move on. I also agree with you that I would not suppress my emotions, however I wouldn't let them run wild either. I would ask myself what they were telling me and what productive action I could take in response. I'm certainly no saint. I have felt rage and I have felt anger over him like I have never felt before (well maybe not since my childhood), however I knew this was unhealthy. I don't want to live my life like I'm in a soap opera (that's TV and that's drama; not to be confused with the calm that is possible in normal day to day adult life). When I was with him if I hadn't 'harnessed' my anger I'm sure I could have hit him, however on those extreme occasions I was more likely to have hurt myself (once I kicked the bottom of his arm chair on my stomp out of his room, and once I punched my hand on the steering wheel of my car after he had thrown me out of his flat), however what I realised both times was a) I was angry because I had no control in the situation and no outlet for my anger b) I was angry at the sense of injustice, c) I was cross with myself for letting him get to me to this extent, d) if a video camera had been filming I would have looked like a child and/or the violent one (because he calmly sat in his chair with an expressionless face), and e) if I carried on as I was I would either go mad, or have a heart attack! Although I still maintain he was in the wrong because of how he tormented me leading up to this point, I also know that if I hadn't removed myself from the relationship eventually I would have looked like the psycho not him! If I hated anyone after I left him for good it was me (which I soon learnt was also unproductive). I hated me because I knew for a long time exactly what he was doing and yet I kept going back, like a moth to a flame. I went back for loads of reasons, however I always knew within a few weeks sometimes even within a few days that he would treat me badly again, but somehow I could never believe how bad he had been, until it started again. He would twist the facts, rewrite history, tie me in knots, rubbish me, lie, tell me he got nothing from me/the relationship etc etc. and finally he'd throw me out again. I'd feel angry I fell for it, but I never hated him, even though I was very ill after I left him. How could I hate him when the reason I had returned to him over and over again was because I loved him. If he could have/would have changed I would have stayed. If I hadn't returned to him for love and I'd returned to get justice, or to get my own back then that makes me no better than him, so when I sat with my feelings I knew the hating him was about denying my own pain. Hate is about projection and it isn't about healing. It keeps the anger alive whether you are hating him or hating yourself. When I dared to let go and feel the pain in the depths of my soul I felt betrayed, I felt raw, I felt grief like I've never known before, I felt so sad knowing I could never go back, knowing I would never have my happy ending, knowing that somehow I had to let go of everything I had ever wanted and invested in. I cried and cried and somewhere in the midst of the tears I found a warm spot within. When I touched it I knew I had found my inner strength, I knew I had nothing to fear anymore. At that point I found peace and acceptance; a much healthier place to be. I know everyone comes out of this at their own pace and in their own way and I totally respect that, and obviously welcome other points of view, however I think you will have a hard time convincing me hate is either 'normal' or 'healthy'. If we constantly talk about him from a position of hate we are also keeping all the bad stuff alive.

#7 Jan 23 - 7PM (Reply to #18)

tasha

thankyou fairy wings

I don't hate him now. But I did!!now I don't care-It was intense hatred at the time. I really didn't understand what kind of person I was dealing with. Most people feel sorry for treating others badly-this one did'nt. It took me ages to stop blaming myself and punishing myself. Because they are pathological we can't expect answers for their mistreatment only blame,denial and projection. It took all my strength to keep my rage and anger in check and not take revenge on him-though I did warn others of him. I think hate is a natural emotion caused by anger a hurt-where you go with it and what you do with it determines what kind of person you are. I used my anger as motivation to learn more about why this had happened, as much as could about Narcissists, plotting my own recovery. Understanding that there was absolutely nothing I could have done to change the outcome of this situation-it was always going to end in tears for me. I'm not hateful now because the knowlege gained brought me peace. Different emotions have their place I guess and it's accepting them run their course not letting them overwhelm you and comming back to the middle.

#8 Jan 24 - 4AM (Reply to #19)

fairy wings

Tasha - absolutely

Tasha - I agree with all you have written. It took me a long time to realise the outcome would always be the same, and even longer to detach from him, however like you I used my own journey to understand more, not only about the way people like him function, but also about the processes I went through in denying my gut feelings from day one in order to enter in to a relationship with him, to stick out the journey through that relationship and the steep climb out again. I guess in some ways we are differing on semantics. I felt angry, however I always knew there was no point projecting this on to him, or trying to get his family and friends to understand. One friend advised me above all else to keep my dignity and I think that was very sound advice. He would have loved it if he could have broken me completely. However what I did do in the process of my own recovery was to work out ways I could educate others on the topic of domestic abuse. I doubt many here would disagree that when you go through something like this at times you feel like the whole world is against you. I felt another layer of anger (intially) at the people who judged me until the outreach worker from Women's Aid said to me, 'In reality no one knows what they would or could do if they were in this situation'. That gave me the strength I needed at the time to think, 'yeah only I need to know my truth'. I felt frustrated I would never be able to make those close to me understand, however it was a relief to know that I could save my energy even trying. I held on to my belief that eventually the truth speaks for itself, however I also acknowledged it often takes longer than we want it to. I knew I had nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to prove and that in itself felt like a great weight lifted from my shoulders. That knowledge allowed me to slow down and slowing down allowed me to see not only what he did with clarity, it also allowed me to see what I did. This knowledge allowed me to start putting distance between us so I wouldn't get hooked in to his games, and not getting hooked meant I continued to see clearly and I could also hear my inner voice again! Like you for so long I blamed myself and no amount of good words about me from friends and family made the slightest difference; nothing soaked through the thick skin I had grown! I really believed I must be bad and when I looked for evidence to the contrary all my internal voice could say was, 'well your husband left you, so maybe it is you' (my violent and abusive partner was post divorce). Looking back I was so weary and really they were his words in my head, not my words. The truth is my husband and I split up after twenty five years because we wanted different things, he has remarried (the person he met whilst with me) and I went to the wedding; we are still friends and we all get together at least a couple of times a year with all our children and grandchildren even though we now live two hundred miles apart. I don't think this is a story of failure, neither do I think it makes me a bad person, but that is my world view now, six years after I left my partner. At the time I felt it must be me, particularly as he was so nice to everyone else; it only seemed to be me that made him angry. Now of course I know differently and a huge part of my life is taken up educating others and finding creative ways to let them come to their own conclusions that it could so easily be them or one of their children. Time has made me see a lot of things differently. I know now that my compassion and empathy allowed me to get sucked in, however I refuse to let that harden my heart. I know I advertised the fact that I was a soft touch, and various counsellors tried to tell me I had an issue with boundaries (another layer of blame). Then one day I woke up and wrote in my journal: 'There is nothing wrong with my boundaries when I surround myself with healthy people who respect my boundaries'. So rather than toughen up and change my values or limit my emotional existence (which when you think about it would make me more like the N), I now make sure I listen to those alarm bells when they ring and I take corrective action immediately. I have a simple question when I meet new people, 'Is this person postive, negative or neutral?' I aim to only surround myself with 'positive'. There are plenty of the other types, even in my family and work environment, however I can choose to limit my interactions with these people and I can tighten my boundaries and be aware of myself when I do have to engage with people from the other two groups. I know this sounds harsh, however my time is precious, why choose to be around people who take my energy?! I am glad you too have moved beyond the negative emotions that eat you up inside. When people say to me, 'I don't understand why these stupid women don't leave', or they comment, 'well even when you get them to safety they go back', I say, 'really........why do you say that, because I'm amazed that any woman ever manages to leave'. That usually leaves them speechless and opens up the way for a good discussion. I think this message board is full of amazing inspirational women and you Tasha are one of them! Thank you for being here and sharing your experiences with me.

#9 Jan 24 - 5AM (Reply to #20)

Ellen

Fairywings

Hi, Thanks for your views. I am now going to ask myself, consciously, if a person is positive, negative or neutral. I was doing that without thinking to some extent but now i am going to be aware and be very choosy so that i can have good experiences in life. I love your answer to those people about........ 'I'm amazed that any woman ever manages to leave'. It's funny though how mostly it's women needing to leave abusvie men.....how about the men stop doing the abuse.....why do we even historically judge the woman for being in it, lets now judge the men for commiting these acts of cowardice.

#10 Jan 24 - 5PM (Reply to #21)

fairy wings

So totally agree

Ellen - I so totally agree. Why as a society do we expect the woman to be responsible for his behaviour. I was amazed when I found myself in this position that no matter where I looked everyone expected me to take action by leaving, but no one seemed to be asking why he did what he did!

#11 Jan 21 - 2PM

whatever2009

HATE IS NORMAL!

I would love nothing more then to spit in his face, while repeatedly kicking him. There are a few other things I would like to do, but I will keep those to myself. The thought of his smug face staring at me while he said something so stupid is enough to send me into rage. I find myself becoming really irritated with others, maybe this is because I cant kick his ass, or yell at him, so I take my anger out on others. Which I will stop doing. But I don't think anger is bad, I think its a coping mechanism and it means you are healing. That's the way I see it. When I'm sad I send one my friends a text message that says "i miss him" and she will respond with one of his lines. One of the thousands that he has said to me....it really helps me in remembering that there is nothing to miss. Then we laugh and I go about my day. So what are we missing? Affection? ...I have kids, and if Im that hard up I will get a puppy Sex? ...seriously, what women cant really have or get sex if they really needed it. PLEASE! At this point tho, who wants it? at least I don't have to think half way through....I cant believe I'm letting him do this. Laughing? ... he never got my jokes, and hated when I was funnier then him Good Conversation? ...I like to talk about more then just him. His work day? ...he DOESN'T have a job. The kids? ...I don't need parenting advice from a toddler. I could go on for hours....but do you see? We aren't missing anything, except for a headache/heartache.

#12 Jan 21 - 4PM (Reply to #13)

tasha

Whatever 2009

Yes I had these thoughts too. I've been NC for months now, but every now and again I get tempted to send an anonymous text or a message to him(still got the obsessional thoughts creeping in)-But then I remember everything comes flooding back in awful detail. The hatred kicks back in and I get a hold of myself. Hate is normal-thats how a normal person reacts, to hell with all that forgive and forget stuff...tried it, honest truth it never helped!

#13 Jan 21 - 1PM

agnesmurphy17

The Rage of the Powerless

I feel the rage of one who is powerless. There is nothing . . . nothing I can to to obtain justice for the exploitation. Traumatized = Being out-of-control. Dealing with a pathological is horrible. They are totally without empathy. Anything the victim says or does to defend oneself, or explain oneself, is twisted by the pathological and used to further exploit the victim. It's a loose-loose situation. Just the thought of his smug smile when he degraded me. The thought of that reptilian gaze of total disgust for me as he leaped at my emotional jugglar for the kill of my soul. And the contempt as he walked away from the puddle of tears he left me in. Hate is too mild a term. And, he is the victim here. The thought of that beatific smile reserved for the worthy ones being groomed as supply sources. I am sure his new woman & his female friends just cannot fathom how badly I treated him.

#14 Jan 20 - 11PM

aceonelady

exactly the same...maybe a bit worst

Yes i couldnt have expressed my fellings of hate better...I am sick of my stomach when i think about his face now,his lies even he calling me Darling constantly,his fake smile when trying to get out of being busted lying...The only thing i disagree about is you thinking that they care about you being NC and that you are sending them a message doing so !NO they know you are hurt and No they dont care!and YES the enjoy your pain!So being NC is for your own good but please dont expect they caring,you are only in for more disapointments and sadness...Remember they dont feel and react to things like we do!If they go NC on you like my EX N does is because he learned that WE would feel a certain way ...and they are glad they are not us!

Aceonelady

#15 Jan 20 - 11PM

Barbara (not verified)

hate

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/08/11/it-wrong-hate ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#16 Jan 22 - 11AM (Reply to #2)

GhostBuster

Hate & anger part of recovery

I agree with the majority and personally, hate and anger helped me when I realized the injustice of what had happened to me (with two Ns). I think it has a productive place in the healing process and helps us maintain NC. My first N used to try to use the "forgive & forget" stuff on me...turn it around on me when I had a very valid point about his behavior and he'd say that the only one I'm hurting by being angry and holding onto thing is myself! What a bunch of crap. He'd even through some biblical stuff in to make his case. Such a manipulative a-hole. But, that being said, once we get through the shock, anger and hate...I think we do get to more of a place of acceptance (hopefully) where the hate diminishes and the pity begins. Not pity in a sympathetic way...but pity because the N is so pathetic. And since we're normal human beings, we can pity someone who lives such a shallow life, unable to love, treats people like objects, will forever be doomed to an unfulfilled life. And we, after all of our suffering at their behest, have a chance to live a good life. As much as Ns are all about winning at all costs, we're the real winners. They're the losers. So now, when I think about my first N and all the horrible treatment, I actually laugh. Laugh, because he's so pathetically pitiful. Not quite there yet with second N, but I hope to be there soon.

#17 Jan 22 - 7PM (Reply to #3)

Amazed

The anger of being taken advantage of, taken for granted

It is such a powerful, negative emotion that the N creates, and WANTS to create in their victim, because he feels it is stronger than love. My exN used to say "I love to see you get fired up" They get off on seeing you angry, in turmoil, out of control. This is the emotion they want to create in you. When I realized, that this result, this negative result in me was of his doing, or wishing, or ambition, I gained perspective to let it go. I realized that a. I am not a hating person. b. The ex N wants to destroy me. Creating a fury of negativity in me, my life, and in the lives of others is what they strive for, because they think it is more powerful than love. I know that, because I have seen him in action. They think ALL the negative emotions are more powerful than the positive, so use those to their advange to brainwash and destroy others. Stay away from them. It is not worth it.

#18 Jan 24 - 1PM (Reply to #4)

Patsy

Anger

I don't want to spend my life being an angry hater -- but the anger is what saved my life and pushed me into taking action. I was well aware of my husband's abusive childhood -- and this understanding, loving nature of mine is what kept me from acting for thirty freaking years... so I'm holding on to this anger until this guy in is my reaview mirror. Right now, it's my lifeline. And I detest feeling this way... because it's not me. And I know the path to enlightenment can't be tread while holding on to this anger. I can't skip happily down that path with what some might call hate in my heart. Truth is, there's not a Saint alive who wouldn't have gone ballistic when her NMIL casually let it be known that the guy she's trying to raise a family with had a father that was confirmed a Sociopath decades ago. Worse yet? The knowledge that she wasn't coming clean to explain her son's behavior -- she was coming clean to explain my son's behavior... because he was acting out. Twenty + years it took for this woman to be honest with me -- in a very dishonest way. And I'm quite capable of forgiving what has happened to me -- but that woman can burn in Hell for the emotional toll withholding that knowledge took on my children. And the only thing that keeps me sane is knowing that I could never shit on another person the way she has shit on me and my kids... I just couldn't do it. I will work hard to let this anger go -- but not yet. Not until I'm free and clear.

#19 Jan 24 - 2PM (Reply to #9)

GettingOut

Anger

Interesting thread. I guess some believe that the only way to be free of anger is to forgive. And for those that can do that, all the power to ya'. Forgiveness of the N and what he has done is not in my book or that of my therapist. I never, ever have to forgive the abusive alcoholic N I was married to. Never. He's never asked for it and he doesn't deserve it. For me to forgive would, in my book, condone what he did. It would mean that hitting me was something to forgive. It would mean that making me feel I was crazy and purposely doing it would be forgivable. It's not. Will I walk around the rest of my life with hate in my heart? Yes, but only for him. And I think that, in time, the longer I am away from him, the thought of him will rarely come into play and the hatred will abate. My children, family, friends will all get all the love from me that I can give. I will have peace in my mind and soul regardless of whether or not I forgive him. But forgive him? Nope.

#20 Jan 24 - 1PM (Reply to #7)

Ellen

Patsy

Hi patsy, 'And I know the path to enlightenment can't be tread while holding on to this anger. I can't skip happily down that path with what some might call hate in my heart.' I disagree with this cos i think that you are already treading the path to enlightenment and feeling your anger along the way, who says you have to skip down the path.....i'm sure it's okay to run. jump. punch the air, swear, spit, hop,stride, crawl sometimes lol. Just as long as you keep moving you will get there. At least we are moving.....the narcs are sat brooding waiting in the bushes to ambush the happy little skipping red riding hoods hey. They won't be getting you again though will they lol.

#21 Jan 24 - 2PM (Reply to #8)

Patsy

Ellen

"They won't be getting you again will they." No they won't, Ellen. No freaking way lol. Thanks for your kind words and understanding.

#22 Jan 24 - 1PM (Reply to #5)

helpmefromn (not verified)

patience

They say the opposite of never being angry again is patience. Anger is a good thing and appropriate here, and you will need to be patient and wait. Time and your effort to get healed will bring you to the next level. Feel anger without acting on it, and work with your mind and it will transform and pass as the days, weeks, years go on. Effort is needed and I have been going through this too, but you need to surrender also to WHAT is.

#23 Jan 24 - 2PM (Reply to #6)

Patsy

patience

Patience is a major reason I'm in this mess. The patience led to the anger. So if patience is what is required to leave the anger behind... I guess I'm well equipped to do just that. Thanks for the reminder, helpmefrom. It is what it is. Or better still, it was what it was. Love to all of you.

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews