I must admit to you I'm having some challenges with NC and today I contacted him to tell him about my latest correspondence about the legal stuff we need to settle and he just went off and pointed the finger at me for all the ills and wrongs of the relation, and then when I wrote my opinion (no harsh words or anything) he just went offline and completely ignored my messages.
I feel stuck in some ways every time I talk to him, because he throw up all this garbage of accusations (and sometimes all this self-righteous stuff like he's a saint when he's done sooo many horrible and evil stuff) so I end up feeling like I took the time to hear him, and he never takes the time to hear me. Also, he talks about how we needs to communicate, then when I reach out to him, he shoo-es me around like I'm a fly or mosquito. I'm seriously sick and tired of his behavior and it's getting to every fiber of my being. Today after my online talk to him and him just leaving the convo and not addressing any of my points, I felt a very heavy feeling in my chest.
I don't mean to come with all this negativity but I'm seriously outraged and sitting at work typing this message feeling like tears are just about to come down..he's seriously sick and I know this and I keep talking to him with the thought he'll get it and get better or at least cooperate so we can get things settled and move on in our lives, but he just wants to make everything DIFFICULT for me and not grant me any peace of mind.
I am just now recalling how one time, he hurt me so much, I was crying, hysterical and he just went to a function/social gathering I had spoken about for a long time while he just went, took pictures, hung out with people and ignored my calls the whole time. I was sitting at home, crying, going insane. he does not deserve the care and attention I gave to him, I'm writing this to serve as a reminder for myself that he is a disordered one and I can't heal him. he's simply draining the life force out of me and making me into a skeleton of the vibrant and radiant person I once was..
I think I need real help and this is why therapy will hopefully help me. I need to remind myself long enough to never deal with him again! I have so much anger whenever I recall the horrible things he put me through and they are numerous, neglect, disregard, name calling, disappearing for days, pressuring me for money and other favors, threatening to leave the relationship, bringing other women around, putting his hands on me, chocking me, pulling me by my hair from one room to another, not respecting my body when i was having health problems and needed to rest, accusing me of flirting and having affairs with others, yelling at me, leaving me in the middle of a trip/s and the list goes on!
I don't mean to burden you all with all of this but it's somewhat therapeutic to write and share with someone who has been through a similar situation, although I honestly wish no one has ever gone through such misery to this level, I don't wish it upon anyone even if it's someone I consider an enemy..it's horrible