Having challenges with NC..PLEASE HELP!

I must admit to you I'm having some challenges with NC and today I contacted him to tell him about my latest correspondence about the legal stuff we need to settle and he just went off and pointed the finger at me for all the ills and wrongs of the relation, and then when I wrote my opinion (no harsh words or anything) he just went offline and completely ignored my messages.

I feel stuck in some ways every time I talk to him, because he throw up all this garbage of accusations (and sometimes all this self-righteous stuff like he's a saint when he's done sooo many horrible and evil stuff) so I end up feeling like I took the time to hear him, and he never takes the time to hear me. Also, he talks about how we needs to communicate, then when I reach out to him, he shoo-es me around like I'm a fly or mosquito. I'm seriously sick and tired of his behavior and it's getting to every fiber of my being. Today after my online talk to him and him just leaving the convo and not addressing any of my points, I felt a very heavy feeling in my chest.

I don't mean to come with all this negativity but I'm seriously outraged and sitting at work typing this message feeling like tears are just about to come down..he's seriously sick and I know this and I keep talking to him with the thought he'll get it and get better or at least cooperate so we can get things settled and move on in our lives, but he just wants to make everything DIFFICULT for me and not grant me any peace of mind.

I am just now recalling how one time, he hurt me so much, I was crying, hysterical and he just went to a function/social gathering I had spoken about for a long time while he just went, took pictures, hung out with people and ignored my calls the whole time. I was sitting at home, crying, going insane. he does not deserve the care and attention I gave to him, I'm writing this to serve as a reminder for myself that he is a disordered one and I can't heal him. he's simply draining the life force out of me and making me into a skeleton of the vibrant and radiant person I once was..

I think I need real help and this is why therapy will hopefully help me. I need to remind myself long enough to never deal with him again! I have so much anger whenever I recall the horrible things he put me through and they are numerous, neglect, disregard, name calling, disappearing for days, pressuring me for money and other favors, threatening to leave the relationship, bringing other women around, putting his hands on me, chocking me, pulling me by my hair from one room to another, not respecting my body when i was having health problems and needed to rest, accusing me of flirting and having affairs with others, yelling at me, leaving me in the middle of a trip/s and the list goes on!

I don't mean to burden you all with all of this but it's somewhat therapeutic to write and share with someone who has been through a similar situation, although I honestly wish no one has ever gone through such misery to this level, I don't wish it upon anyone even if it's someone I consider an enemy..it's horrible

fallingfoward's picture

..sorry to hear what you are going through. I agree with the others on seeing if you can get a third party to handle the legal matters. He sounds like my exh who I was married to at 20. I lived through three years of emotional, and physical abuse. I felt like a prisoner with no way out, I was scared for my life and kept thinking he would change. The danger with these narc men who are physically abusive , is that they may snap in any moment and kill you. I know it sounds harsh, but you must save yourself from this man. Even though you're not with him now, any contact to him makes him believe he still has control over you. Nc is the only way to go. I was so young back then, I didn't know about narcs or how physical abuse increases over time. Get into therapy, the day I made the phone call, it started me on the road toward healing. Stay close to the forum, read the mod blogs, and posts as many times as you need to. There is so much wisdom on this site. Hugs
Sparrow's picture

Therapy is of the utmost. And being rejected by a disordered person and struggling with the addiction and heartbreak is the least of your worries unfortunately. The allowance of physcial abuse happens for a reason, and that is what needs to be addressed with the therapist first and foremost. To read your descriptions of how he handles your body is disgraceful. I pictured a scene in the movie "Urban Cowboy" when Debra Winger through a carton of cigarettes at her trailer trash cowboy, they landed on the floor, he told her to pick them up, she said no, he grabbed her by the head and hair and forced her to the ground until she eventually picked them up and handed them to him, then he proceeded to beat her. You didn't see that scene because of the time that it was filmed, but you did see her in the next scene with a black eye. That character was a n animal and so is your ex. Get to therapy as soon as possible and work on you. He can't be helped. Besides, even if he could be, you would not be the one to do it. He has not an ounce of respect for you. But you can respect yourself, you don't need his. Good luck and stay strong. Dry your tears and make that appointment. Once it is scheduled, you will feel a bit better.
this shall pass's picture

Thank you for your response. Right now I'm just sitting in tears. This sick twisted mother f---er and I had decided that we we would set up a time to discuss some things so we can move forward, and he kept delaying and treating me like I'm the plague. He even yesterday told me he was available to talk online for 3 minutes, then when I stepped away from what I was doing and make myself available to speak to him, he talked to me like he had not clue and said he had to step away himself!! Today, he got online and said all this nonsense about me and how I have this history of infidelity (mind you no one has ever screwed around as much as he did, he can not simply be ALONE for one day! and is constantly revisiting his ex-es in every sense of the word)then went offline. I called him and he said he was too busy and we'll speak later. I sent him message, he ignored, and a few minutes ago, I called him to find out he blocked me (for no reason!!!) so I called from another number, he knows it's me, so he picks up the phone and just mutes it, he takes sooo much pleasure in seeing me suffer I have moved in to live with my family and they don't know half of what I've gone through (specially the sexual abuse) because I don't think they would hear me or understand me and might actually condemn me for enduring it. I sometimes feel like screaming so loud when I remember the stuff he did. The scene you describe from a movie, I have gone thru something similar and sometimes worse. There was a day when I had urinary infection and i was urinating blood and and in sooo much pain, I was laying down feeling tired, and he started speaking about a male co-worker of mine (whOm I NEVER got involved with, he simply thought something was going on, this is how sick and twisted he is!!) so he started saying "oh this c0worker probably been inside you because you're easy, and you're a whore and this and that" and I said 'what do you mean he's been inside me?? he's a co-worker of mine and former college colleague whom i have never dealt with outside of the professional relation!!" and he said "I meant, like this!!" and stuck his hands inside of me, I was already in so much pain and discomfort and I felt so violated..it's strange that I'm telling this on this public forum, because there are people who are so close to me who NEVER knew about this incident..I don't think I even mention it to anyone.. I'm just in pain and have so much anger and hurt for the things he did, and this is just one incidence..there were others like this one, coupled with being chocked, thrown, kicked..I don't know why I let him do all of this, even his ex-wife told me about the abuse he put her through (similar stuff) and somehow I didn't think it'd be my turn next.. the sick part is this person is in the healing and holistic medicine community, walking around like he's a saint, wanting to be revered and adored by many and he carries himself like he's the embodiment of divine healing, when all he is, is a scam..a disturbed soul that latches on to women and sucks them dry ( in every sense, financial included) for 3 years, I was working at a really good paying job, from which I had NONE saved, because he made sure to deplete me and on many occasions, pressure me in horrible and frightening ways if I didn't give him the money.. I will stop here. I'm glad I found this forum, I spent so much time on it and it has, in some ways, saved my life..during moments when I feel like I cant live anymore, I turn to it to read about people that made it through. Women that have had a breakthrough after an utter breakdown..I hope to get there one day
spinning's picture

you have to deal with such a vile, vile individual. It is very disturbing. Is there any way you could get a third party to handle the legal issues you must settle in order to move on? As long as you continue to contact this person, you will continue to "spin" down into the vortex of darkness and confusion. He is using this as a means and method to abuse you and he is abusing you over and over and over. He is very sick, indeed. Muting the phone, blocking you, etc. It's designed to make you feel as you feel right now. So please, dear this shall pass, please consider enlisting help from a third party to deal with the legal issues. Do not engage with this person in any way. Do not respond to his demands for communication or whatnot, refer everything to this third party. Please consider this, this shall pass. Cut off this evil creep's ability to harm you. TAKE THE POWER BACK NOW AND REJECT AND REFUSE ANY COMMUNICATION WITH HIM except through a trusted third party (preferably an attorney.). Hugs to you, dear tsp. Hang in there. We care about you. Sincerely, (not) spinning. BUT WISHING I COULD SPIN THE FREAK WHO'S TORTURING YOU RIGHT OFF THE PLANET.


this shall pass's picture

not-spinnning for your message. I hope to be (not) spinning one day! this is truly exhausting and draining,. I just went to wash my face and took a look in the mirror and I look like a ghost of what I once was. I have often had a smile and cheerful spirit and right now I feel like a zombie..I'm hurting in every sense.. I don't know why he's doing this. the blocking of the number when we're planning to comm for the sake of getting things DONE and over. doesn't he think it's ENOUGH what he put me through?? I sometimes feel he won't be content or satisfied till he completely destroys me. I recall one evening I got back from work and he was staying at my place, he taunted me from the moment I walked in the door, asking me if I saw "my people" at work, I said what do you mean, who are "my people? I work in the education field where I see and meet a lot of people every day" and he said" you know who I mean!" and then stuck his hands inside of me through my clothes, I was simply standing the kitchen preparing food so we can eat..the whole night was him taunting me, and whenever I ignored him and kept cooking or doing whatever just to keep the peace, he would walk up to me and taunt me more, I remember that night he kept asking me to confess what happened at work to the point of putting a pillow to my face and chocking me (that time, I didn't think I was going to make it) and I cried and begged him to just leave me alone..it was horrible and i felt violated..the whole night after a day of work and I had to go to work the next day early morning, I remember that night I went to take a shower and I felt awful, I got out of the shower to find that he put a knife next to my towel..why would any human do something like that?? he would often, when he saw/heard me crying and suffering from the horrible stuff he did, would hint or say "I suggest you pick some of the tools you have in your kitchen and do something about your life" After all the pain and anguish, he wanted me to take my life away..I don't know why would any person do something like this?? what did i do to have to deal with such pain and hurt? I often feel like I'm damaged beyond repair and that I would never be able to love or share my heart with anyone. this has been too traumatizing to me :..( I hope this will pass soon. Thank you for hearing me out..
Hunter's picture

Your having trouble with NC?? Read what you just wrote.. Contact = Pain every single time.. It's simple don't do it.. Look what happens when you do.. You won't win. Silence = Fuck Off Hunter
onwithmylife's picture

therapy will help tremendously, find a good person wit ha strong background in NPD and personality disorders. It really is a many prong attack to get yourself over this narc. I did therapy, reading books, reading all the websites and there are many more now than when it happened to me, talking to his first wife, and it took me verly long to go NC but after many hateful letters from him, blaming me for everything and knowing he will never look 'inward', I finally let go, it will happen to you, keep busy, be around postiitive people who love you for you and try your best to go NC..........
this shall pass's picture

I guess I'm between the understanding of what's happened and the Get-it-out stage. I feel like I have a lot of pain to unburden myself of. It is really challenging because at times all I can think of is the painful and hurtful stuff, and at other times, I remember the caring, kind and loving person I thought he was..I think when Lisa spoke about the cognitive dissonance that one goes through ,I really felt that it spoke to this feeling I have..such a chaotic way of thinking and organizing memories.. Thank you for writing and for your supportive words. it will get better!