having a bad day
having a bad day
I am on day 6 of NC. And to be honest, it doesnt help. I can see her in my head and I am just heartbroken. Im afraid I am just going to delay shock and I know at some stage, in a year or so I could peek at her online and see that shes married or somethng
last night, I went out with a friend to the local bar (gay bar) and bumped into an annoying acquaintance. She sticks her beak in everyone's business and I dont like her. She would have no idea that I didnt like her though. So to wind me up she said ''do you still not hear from j?'' and I said 'nope' and she went 'i see she has a new girlfriend' and I said 'yeah so I hear, good for her'. I walked off with my friend and my heart was pounding with anxiety.
Then two hours later, a few beers later, I ended up talking to her again while I was queuing for a drink and I said 'L, how do you know shes in a relationship' and she said 'coz she put a post up on her fb about two weeks ago saying ''new relationship, very happy''. I ended up quizzing L saying 'for f*ck sake, why do you still have her on your fb, you live HERE, you know ME, you met her for ten minutes when she was over here' and she said 'but I thought she was nice' and then my friend interuptd and said ' L, she wasnt nice, she treated HB appallingly'' and L went 'but I didnt witness that' and I started losing my temper and said 'so you think im lying?'. My friend then said 'come on HB lets walk up here' trying to defuse the awkward conversation :(
then...i ended up chatting to a girl. Long story short, I ended up having a one night stand with her last night. After erm..'it' , we were chatting in bed and she went 'so tell me about this girl you mentioned bk in the bar'. And I said 'if you really want the truth, she wasnt a nice person and was abusive' and she said 'in what way?' and I told her she nearly hit me. THEN..she said 'eh yeah but she didnt. So 'nearly' doesnt count'. I looked at her and just wanted to leave. So I got up, got dressed, while she sat there laughing at me 'overreacting'..called a cab and left. She found me on fb last nite and said 'hope you got home ok, I am sorry if I offended you, id like to see you again' and I wrote back 'look I had a nice night, but I have to be honest, I am not over J. Itd be unfair of me to you if I was to begin dating you with my heart half in it'. She wrote back 'lol ok'.
I didnt know what the 'lol' was for and I didnt like her attitude.
I just feel I badly needed body contact with someone and it was good, but trying to numb pain doesnt work. It just made me think of J even more. Between that, and L thinking I must be a bunny boiler and psycho, I am just a mess
I think I have some sort of PTSD. I keep getting flashbacks of the good times :( and bursting into tears.