Having a BAD BAD DAY!!!!

I've noticed a pattern....(according to my log-on record on this site...)

I do well for about a month, then seem to have a relapse.

For whatever reason, I'm having a VERY bad day! My ex left me 4 years ago...and today, it feels like it just happened.

I feel stuck.

We've been N/C for a year and a half now (my choice)...but lately, I really miss him. Since we have last had contact, he married his partner (when we were together, he made it VERY clear he did not believe in marriage and wanted an open relationship...something I did not believe in.)

I know he and his husband have an open marriage, which I try to take comfort in knowing that would never work for me...but the problem is, I miss my ex as a person.

Yes, he is a narc, but he wasn't abusive...he was just selfish...He was never cruel verbally or abusive physically...he is actually a very nice guy who showed a lot of love and affection; however, he had a very selfish, non-compassionate side that caused much conflict.

He wanted the relationship on his terms...there was no room for my needs, and when I would voice my feelings or needs, I was deemed being "controlling, needy, etc...)

I know there are different levels of narcissism, and that we all possess a level that for most is healthy...

What's difficult for me, is that compared to some of the stories Ive read on here, he was prince charming. When I start remembering the good times and the sweet guy I knew and miss everyday...then I think, maybe he isn't a narc....maybe it was me being "crazy" and needy and insecure...maybe it was me who destroyed our relationship...my worst fear of him leaving me came true...perhaps it was a self fulfilled prophecy???

I used to take comfort thinking: "Okay, he wants a open relationship, he did not communicate, he did not want to commit..." I used to think that because he is a narc, he is not able to connect or commit...but now that he's married and happy...maybe I was wrong.

Maybe I missed out on the life I dreamed of having with him....Maybe I was the problem all along...