Haven't Heard a Word and it Hurts

14 posts / 0 new

#1 Feb 14 - 5PM

realitycheck

Haven't Heard a Word and it Hurts

So it Valentine's Day and almost 7:00 where I live and I haven't heard a word from my Narc. Despite the fact I sent him a card, left him a text and a message. He knows it's killing me and he doesn't care. I plan to go NC, but he has no idea yet so that makes it even worse. My stomach aches, I can't eat, and I just want to go to sleep. How can he do this, again! Anybody else feel like me? Most of you have the problem that they're calling and you want the strength to ignore them. I'm not there yet and is sucks!!!!

#2 Feb 15 - 4PM

Hunter

Reality

Mine is silent too! Trust me it's better! He contacted me over New Years, it hurt, But I clicked and deleted! Don't want to go there again! Good bye NARC! Hugs Idealk

#3 Feb 15 - 8PM (Reply to #9)

realitycheck

I Broke Down

I sent him a somewhat nasty email this morning telling him he was an anti-social narcissist and I couldn't handle the heartache anymore. Hours later I texted him and asked if he got email, stupid, stupid me. He replied "when." So I knew he hadn't bothered to read it. I replied, did you get my card? Then he called... I answered and he said, okay what did I do know go ahead and tell me so I can prepare myself. I said what was yesterday? He said Monday. I said and? He said oh wait I know it was Valentine's. So you wanted me to send you a stupid f_cking candy heart to your house so your husband would find out! You're going to ruin "us" because I didn't buy you a card and because I didn't thank you for the card and gift you sent me. If you had called me back last night (he texted me finally at 11:00 pm.) I would have said thank you. I said it was 11:00 at night. Oh, he said, so now we can't talk at eleven? You're a stupid bitch and you have problems, and you have to deal with them. I calmly said it wasn't the time it's the fact that you didn't return my call or text from the morning. What call he said, I didn't get a call. B_llsh_t! He got it, but he didn't care enough to call. He kept rambling on like a crazy man so I hung up on him. Then I text that it's not all about him, to take his anger somewhere else and forget that I exist! Of course now I feel like I want to die. Ugh, what's the matter with me!

#4 Feb 18 - 9AM (Reply to #13)

spinning

Reality...this guy is a LIAR

and very, very disordered. Mine was a psychopath. He told the same lies about not getting my calls, messages, etc. and then immediately pinning blame on me for everything... Lose his sorry @ss. He doesn't work, has no car, disrespects you by not calling or keeping in touch (this is not the behavior of someone who "loves" you) and makes everything your problem. SAVE YOURSELF. Erase this guy. He will bring you down. Sincerely (still trying to stop) spinning

spinning

#5 Feb 16 - 6AM (Reply to #12)

agnesmurphy17

YOU

Everything with these guys is YOU. "If YOU had called me at 11:00 pm, I would have thanked you." So YOU are at fault because YOU did not call him & give him an opportunity to thank you. Now. When your mother sends your child a gift -- do you expect your mother to call your child & ask your child for a thank you? No. I don't think so. But, you accept this crap from this man? Sit down & make a list. Pros & Cons. What this man gives & what he takes. There is no relationship here. You don't even live in the same area. You are married & getting a divorce. I am sorry. This is tough love here. YOU need to take control. You are in a bad spot. If your husband does not love you & he wants a divorce, then he should get one. And he should not be sleeping with you in the same bed. Your husband needs to find someplace else to go. Even if it is a rented room. He started this divorce -- he must carry through. Your husband devalues you by saying I do not love you & I want a divorce. Yet he goes through the motions of being in the house, sleeping in the same bed as if he were your little brother & you are the little sister all under the age of 7. Please. This is not right. And, of course, you accept the devaluing from this N whom you knew in the past. Why not? You are stuck in a devaluing rut at home. Everybody seems to be devaluing you but still wanting to be around you. This makes no sense. Neither your husband nor your N. But somehow you take it maybe because you are so beaten down at this point. (I may be hard but I do know what it is like to be so beaten down that one is grateful for just the tiniest of scraps.) YOU NEED TO TAKE CONTROL ON ALL FRONTS. Husband--get thee to another room & out of my day-to-day life. N-delete him. He's easy. Far away. Forget him. You don't need him. You need to take care of yourself for YOU. Not for another man. YOU, YOU, YOU for you. Find yourself without a man as a mirror of your self-worth. This is gonna be hard & take more than a few weeks. You have been worn down for quite awhile. You are faced with an "unknown" future here. Your divorce & what life will be like without your husband in the house. So you are perhaps reaching back into the past to a time when you felt great with this childhood friend. The days streamed together that summer you were 13 & again when 25. You felt safe. And you want this N to make you feel safe again. It ain't happening. Also, N's got another woman. Two candles & a glass heart in his bedroom. Wake up & smell the coffee. An ex-girlfriend moved & left him that stuff & he displayed it in his room! Don't be a fool! (But, he can't even send a text to thank you for your Valentine's Day gift? He can't even send a Valentine's text so your husband doesn't know? & if your husband is divorcing you, what does he care about who sends you Valentine's? Both husband & N are nuts & very inconsistent.) If you accept N's explanation for the heart & candles . . . this man is gonna take you for a ride. He knows he can sell you anything & you're gonna take it. In his mind, you merit nothing but contempt. Take back the power. It is a huge task. Getting rid of this husband who seems to want to go away but is in a holding pattern there. And this N who is really dangerous crazy who deosn't want you but loves you. Stop being used by weak men who are really devaluing you & sponging off of you. Neither really wants you . . . but neither seems to be able to be alone without you. Stop letting either of these men devalue you. You must value yourself. And everything else will work out from there.

#6 Feb 15 - 9PM (Reply to #11)

Hunter

Reality

"what's the Matter with me"" UM... you made contact. See what happens. Now you get to start from scratch. Ground Zero. I know its hard, But its the only way to win. Next time call me instead. OK? Idealk

#7 Feb 15 - 9PM (Reply to #10)

gettinbetter

Its an addiction! and the

Its an addiction! and the longer you wait to break the worse its gonna be! Trust me I know all about this. This whole crazy dynamic is filling a need deep in your core. Something probably from your childhood or some dynamic with one of your parents. Everyday you give into this addiction its hold strengthens. Look up Codependcy and trauma bonding and see if any of it resonates. Remember the longer you stay engaged in this the worse its gonna be. You know that him calling you a stupid bitch is completely unacceptable. This is not a random occurence he does it all the time. What are you hoping to accomplish by staying connected. Are you hoping to change him? to get him to see the light? Can you list anything nice that he is done for you in the last several months? So what is it thats make you stay engaged? Really think about it dig deep something about this dynamic feels comfortable to you in a sick way. Only you know the answer but if you read and educate yourself enough youll get to the bottom of it. Its not a miracle cure but the more you understand the dynamic of why you are engaging the more you get your power back. Right now you have no power ZERO. This is no way to live. In fact its not living its existing for your next fix. Think about how much of your life you are missing chasing this high. Please dont think Im lecturing. Im not. I just know this because I think Im one of the people on this board who has suffered a deeper addiction than others. So for me I have to know what caused this in me to accept the unacceptable and crave it. I gotta know because I cant risk another hit and run by him.

#8 Feb 14 - 9PM

Jewwell

Aim for NC tonight - just focus on tonight

You can do it! NC tonight! Depending on where you live -- V day is almost over!

#9 Feb 14 - 7PM

apple

Don't Worry!!!!

I'm sure he is just distracted playing online video games. lol. Heck, he probably hasn't even gotten out of bed yet or I bet he doesn't even know its valentines day. lol. Okay, I'm just trying to cheer you up but seriously this guy sounds like a complete loser. And you KNOW he is. I think you should try and find a therapist ASAP because for some reason it seems like your self sabotaging/punishing yourself. Sending lots of strength you way! Keep your chin up! NCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNC!!!!!

#10 Feb 14 - 6PM

sara-smile

realitycheck

I haven't heard from mine either and yes it does hurt. Don't get me wrong.....I'm SO GLAD I haven't heard from him because that would only hurt worse because it would mean he wanted something. (SEX) Today has been rough and every store I've gone into has made me want to SCREAM! I went into Walgreens to pick up something and they had a CD player with love songs playing and it was driving me nuts!! I walked over to it and turned it off! LOL LOL LOL! I couldn't take it. I'm sure he's out with the new GF at dinner and showering her with roses like he did for me last year but she can have all the pain that comes after dinner and roses. It's so weird because I'm angry and sad but I know I don't want him back. Hang in there and try to remember that you are better off. It's hard for us to realize that but we REALLY REALLY are! Do something for yourself tonight. Go out with friends or just go to sleep early. In 6 hours Vday will be OVER! Hugs to you! Remember YOU ARE BETTER and deserve BETTER!

#11 Feb 14 - 6PM

Jewwell

For now, turn off your phone

I am also married and trying to overcome my addiction to a N that has not left my brain for almost 2 yrs. Two things that have really, really helped -- about 4 months ago I stopped "snooping" - NO more checking his calls, FB, etc. I truly care less and less each day about what he is doing. Also, I turn off my phone and fully concentrate on MY LIFE. I have never experienced anything like this, but I feel that each day I am moving forward and soon, you will too.

#12 Feb 14 - 6PM (Reply to #2)

realitycheck

So Thankful for this Site

Thank you so much for responding. Thank goodness the pain in my stomach is subsiding with every post that I read. I too have never, ever experienced this before and I had many relationships prior to my marriage. I was so baffled by his behavior for almost a year. I am so thankful I found this site. I AM NOT ALONE! He thinks I'm flying to see him in two days and I'm trying to hold strong that I will not go through with it. I'm flying to where he lives to work for a couple week and I booked my flight three days early to spend with him - ugh I tried to change my flight, but I couldn't. I'm in a messed up daze and don't know what I'll do when he contacts me eventually. One part of me wants to tell him the jig is up I'm on to him, but the other part doesn't want to make him angry because I'm afraid he'll want revenge. I thought of telling him he's right, I'm not worth the "roller coaster ride" which is something he said to me months ago when he was once again deflecting his own personality. Oh, and the last time I flew to see him he withheld sex because he wanted to test if I was Narcissistic! I was shocked when he said this at dinner (which I paid for), because I didn't want to set him off. Didn't work though, the next night when he withheld sex again and I tried to ask why he started yelling at me to get the f-ck out of his house and chased kicking and trying to hit me. A week later when he sent an email apologizing he blamed me for pouring him too many drinks! I'm such a fool, trying not to feel the guilt for supplying his sickness.

#13 Feb 14 - 7PM (Reply to #3)

sara-smile

realitycheck

Why in the world would you want to put yourself in that situation again? The last visit sounds like a nightmare! Don't do it again! Please! I gave in last week and met him and it was the worst decision I've mad during this whole fiasco! I promise you if you go you will feel worse than you do now. I know it's hard but just think about it and put yourself first!!! Sara

#14 Feb 14 - 7PM (Reply to #4)

realitycheck

Don't Want To Feel Worse

Well, I know you're right. In fact I envision that it may wind up even worse. But all of that knowledge doesn't stop the physical pain in my stomach right now. I've typed two texts this evening and pushed the erase button before I send them. Reading these posts helps so much. Thanks for the reality check.

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