Have to see him tomorrow

Not meaning I want to, but I have to. I have to work with N tomorrow. I thought about canceling, but I'll let others down so no way out.

I've been reading posts here like crazy, it's so empowering. Love you all for that!
But I know I'm still easily influenced by him. He knows my 'buttons'. Last contact was at the beginning of this week when he put me down for the God knows how many time, and I ended it by sending 'I wouldn't like you if I was you either'. Which he obviously ignored. It's moments like that which make it so clear I have to get back to NC once and for all! But, as I mentioned he knows my buttons and I'm not resistent enough. Somehow he's still able to push them. Either I'll be furious if he ignores me tomorrow, or I'll feel destroyed, or confused again (always so confused).

Don't want him back, ever (!), since he's a constant reminder of pain and plain evil. The worthless feeling he's always given me. Couldn't stop crying yesterday. Knowing I'm the one who isn't able to let go of this. It's all in my hands. Not his, mine. And still I'm depressed out of my mind. Only have to work with him for an hour or maybe two. My mind (today at least) is set on getting the job done, ignoring him, and leave. But, I'm terrified of another fight or worse if he'll pretend to care. I've been through both so many times. This needs to stop. He's killing me and I'm letting him. Any of you have any advice how I don't fill his NS, or how to avoid another attack? Don't think I can handle another one anymore. It's too much.