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Have been sorting & packing...miss you guys...very emotional

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#1 Jan 7 - 11PM
Leah
Leah's picture

Have been sorting & packing...miss you guys...very emotional

Hi gals! I've soooooooooooo missed you. I miss reading & posting...but I'm running up against a clock...1 week till my butt & all my belongings need to be out of this apt.
: )

My narc recovery is moving along, thanks to some recent posts ya'll gave me about a week ago that I keep re-reading, plus I've been seeing my therapist 2x/week (it's sliding scale, $30 an hour!). I normally see him once a week, but the move has kicked up A LOT of emotions and I need the extra support these last few weeks in this snowy city.

In therapy I brought up, yet again (I know...ya'll already coached me out of this silly thinking at least 3 or 4 times...), how I wish I had been 'stronger' in the most recent narc relationship. And talking it through, it became clear that of course, he wouldn't have changed. The only thing that would've changed would've been that I would've left in the beginning, that's all.

Like in the beginning of the relationship, N shared about the tension between him & his teenage daughter. I offered some reflection on it, with a spiritual take on the situation. At the end of that call or the next day, N said to me, 'When you're talking about your own life, having your spiritual perspective is fine. But please don't use it when talking about my life. (and then he said something kind of demeaning about it...can't remember the exact words)"

My therapist said to me, "He was telling you he didn't like the way you think. That's an opportunity when you could have told him, 'This isn't going to work out.' You don't want someone who doesn't like how you think. You deserve someone who values how you think."

My therapist didn't say it to put me down. It was one of several examples that he has pointed out to me...when I could have been the choosy one. When I wasn't being valued, honored or respected, and could have gotten out of the relationship, to avoid a lot of pain. When I should have loved myself enough to know I deserved A LOT better.

In every one of those moments (there were maybe a hundred of them in 6 months!), instead of me thinking, 'Hmmm...did I like that? That didn't feel right/okay/appropriate/respectful...' I thought instead, 'What did I say/do to elicit that response from him? I must've upset him. I need to apologize tomorrow about that. I wish I didn't make him angry.'

And of course that's my programming from my BPD mom. She trained me to feel shame at all times.

My life has been shame-driven until now.

No more. New slate. I will doggedly pursue recovery to disintegrate that 'shame core' (as I've seen it referred to on some psychotherapy sites). I'm trusting that if I come here, keep going to therapy, go to a support group, keep reading, maintain NO CONTACT with my BPD mom (which isn't easy; NC with ex-N is much easier than NC with BPD mom.)...the healing will happen and those deep wounds from a PD'd parent will turn into gentle scars.

THEN I'll be ready to pursue dating. Only then.

For now, I just want to heal. Being this anxious & depressed & obsessed is intolerable. I can't stay this way. I have to shift. In a big way. My mental & physical health depend on it. I'm realizing this move to the SF Bay Area is really going to be key in helping me to do that. This big city doesn't feel healing to me anymore.

BTW, my therapist calls ex-N 'a jerk,' 'an a*****e' & 'a creepy guy.' I like my therapist. And, he's totally cool with phone sessions after I move, so I don't have to start from scratch with a new therapist when I'm making narc-recovery progress AND in the middle of a cross-country move.

That really put me at ease. Right now, I can't imagine having a week without a therapy session.

Today in therapy all roads led to Rome...or my BPD mom. It was really disturbing. I always knew how she affected me, but now I REALLY see it... Now I see why I interact the same way with everyone...from that shame core. It's why I apologize all the time...it's why I always think EVERYONE is angry/disappointed with me...why I'm so anxious I can't stop picking my nails & cuticles...why I choose men who abuse/dismiss me. Why I worry ALL THE TIME. Today after the session I got very depressed...all the BPD mom stuff was too much raw stuff for one session. Had several curl-up-in-bed-crying moments.

Once I move, I'll have more time to 'see' all of you on the new site! Can't wait.

I fly out on Sunday the 16th. Arrive at SFO 2:30PT.
: )

I love you guys! In a little over a week I'll have time to be online and reconnect. Thanks for your patience as I get ready to move.

Lotsa love & hugs,
Leah

Jan 12 - 9PM
apple
apple's picture

YAY FOR Leah

I'm so very proud of you girly!!!! I think you Rock sister!!
Jan 13 - 12AM (Reply to #31)
Leah
Leah's picture

Awww, thanks cherryblossom!

Really sweet. : ) I'm trying to rock... Right now I'm just praying I get all my packing done by Friday afternoon. Yikes. Thanks for the support & encouragement! I really need it these days. Big hug, Leah
Jan 10 - 10PM
betty2020
betty2020's picture

Leah, Congrats on the move.

Leah, Congrats on the move. This is a big leap in a positive direction. The beginning of a new day and a new life. It sounds like you broke a lot of ground today in therapy. This is wonderful although i know emotionally painful and exhausting. Its these baby steps that keep you moving forward in recovery and healing. Its healthy and good to cry. Its ok to have bouts of anger. Because once you work thru all of these tough issues, a new you begins to transform. You may not see this but I certainly can as im sure others that have known you here can see too. Your making progress in all your efforts and they are no doubt going to pay off in the end. I see a rainbow on the horizon :):):) Although I know you have been hit with a double disordered whammie with your xN AND your BPD mom, keep in mind that "Today, its only about Leah". You relinquished your rights, control and power over to disordered individuals in the past that never deserved to share the same air with a beautiful person such as yourself. You never asked nor deserved the disrespect you were dealt by these people. But today your a survivor. The days of sacrificing your soul to the beasts are no longer. Your time and energy is precious now. To much to do and focus on, such as "Leah's Life", and this can not be distracted by them or their delusional world. Its time for you to shine girl! Safe travels to your new destination. Keep us up to date on how it is going. AND..... Lots of Love your way!!! xoxo Betty only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Jan 13 - 12AM (Reply to #29)
Leah
Leah's picture

Betty, your words brought me to tears

when I read them yesterday. You relinquished your rights, control and power over to disordered individuals in the past that never deserved to share the same air with a beautiful person such as yourself. You never asked nor deserved the disrespect you were dealt by these people. But today your a survivor. The days of sacrificing your soul to the beasts are no longer. And now I re-read them and my eyes still well up. That's exactly it. I refuse to get seduced, by friend or lover, into that old pattern of predator & prey ever again. This move is scary, and I don't really know if I'll love it there. But I have to try. My life has been stagnant in this city for 14+ years...I need to shake things up, in order to try to create a new life. If it doesn't pan out, I can always come home. And....I'm still scared s**tless. : ) You'll get lots of updates, promise! Thanks for all the love & hugs...you have no idea how much it means to me. Big hug & gratitude, Leah
Jan 10 - 4PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Welcome to the Bay Area!

I live in the North Bay region. It was a nice change of scenery. You'll be glad to be WITHOUT your Narc. There's lots of beauty here, and natural beauty is the ultimate antidote to Narc-ness. You're going to do great! May you be blessed here!
Jan 10 - 10PM (Reply to #27)
Leah
Leah's picture

Thanks for the warm welcome, Susan!

I'll be temporarily living with someone in the East Bay, a bit out on BART, in a suburb. My goal is to eventually get a job & apt. closer to SF, but not in SF. I don't know if you know, but my ex-N lives in the Bay Area. Depending on where I get a job & find a good apt., I may end up living or working within a 15 minute drive of him. In the beginning it might be very triggering for me, but I'm going to carry on as best as I can. I'm hoping what you say is true - the natural beauty and the kindness of Bay folk will counter and fade the effects of ex-N's insanity. Hugs of thanks, Leah
Jan 10 - 2PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

You are one of the

You are one of the strongest, smartest,woman I know! I Thank our narcs for introducing us. Be proud of you! Gosh I am. Idealk
Jan 10 - 3PM (Reply to #25)
Leah
Leah's picture

Idealk, you got me to giggle out loud!

That's rare these days. Thanks for being a friend. Yeah, if it weren't for our narcs, we wouldn't have met! : ) I'll 'try on' being proud of me. Kinda new for me... Big hug, Leah
Jan 10 - 12PM
spinning
spinning's picture

Leah, I'm proud of you...

and the hard work you are doing.. ...I, too, am trying hard to do the hard work and hoping to get out on the other side, too. Keep going, L, you are an inspiration... sincerely (trying to stop) spinning

spinning

Jan 10 - 3PM (Reply to #21)
Leah
Leah's picture

Awww, spinning, thanks for

being so supportive. Right now I don't see myself as so inspiring. I'm moving out to the Bay Area without a job! I think I'm crazy to make a big move like this...taking such a leap. : ) So do some other people... I know you're working hard, and I'm grateful that we can support each other. Hugs of thanks, Leah
Jan 13 - 3AM (Reply to #23)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Leah

If I may tell you a story of conquest and liberation... Back in 99 my son was a baby then, and being a single parent I was struggling. I had just lost my steady job and moved into a new apartment and with the high costs of living here, costs of daycare etc., I was drowning. I secured a temp job that paid well, but it was temp and ended in May. I qualified for unemployment and decided I'd ride the summer out. Over the summer I traveled down south on a fluke to visit a nephew I hadn't seen in ages. During that visist, I looked in the newspaper and found a job. Within THREE days, I was back home packing. I needed to sublet my apartment as I didn't want to lose it I didn't know what the future would hold. Within three days - I packed, found a sub-lessor and packed up my old Impala with whatever fit - took one pot, one pan, two plates, two knives forks etc, small tv and a radio. THAT WAS IT! No furniture nothing. The job was in property management, so I had half off on the rent. My son and I slept on the floor for six weeks - I had no money for furniture - the apartment was bare. Within six week - OH, I also did this with only $200.00 to my name, which was absorbed mostly on GAS for the trip. In six weeks, like I was saying, I graduated to an air mattress, which somehow sprung a leak so we'd fall asleep comfortably and by morning end up on the floor! As property manager, whenever someone would move, we had the right to whatever they left behind. Some would have moving sales, etc. Within a year, my entire apartment was furnished. I had a bed, dresser, sofa, dining room set, etc. Some I paid for, some I was able to get. Things manifested. I had focus, I was determined and I was positive. The most important lesson in all of it was that I learned that there is a lot in life I don't need, and that somehow, some way, GOD will always provide *WHOMEVER your God is. We have the power to make of our lives what we wish - we need to have the determination and decide we are unstoppable. Within a year's time I decided to come home. I call that period my "mental health break"...timing once again was in my favor, as two months later, they removed the half off rent incentive and I would have been drowning again - divine intervention? Within three days of returning, no even being unpacked, after three days on the road, exhausted, I found myself at the DOE at 8am because I needed a JOB, and within three days, I had been hired as a Teacher. The principal responded to my inquiry asked me when I could come in for an interview. I explained I had been moving, all my things were boxed, I did not have a suit etc, he said come as you are. I explained, I only had shorts and tee shirts out he said "come as you are." I went on that interview in shorts, a tee shirt and no make-up - I might have been wearing flip flops!!!.... When you are in alignment with yourself, when you are determined, when you say to yourself: "I'll be dammed if anything will stop me!" You will get where you need to go. AND - keep uppermost in your mind - There is a season for everything. I have tales of despair too but in hindsight, in the end, it's all about seasons. This is a changing of seasons for you. Be determined, be powerful, invite and embrace change, and you will find your place. I do not speak from being at my "new" place as of yet, but I can smell and remember what transition entails. You are in transition as I am...shore up the mind and you will be unstoppable.... All the best and we will stay in touch...safe journey Leah! Warm hugs!
Jan 13 - 3AM (Reply to #22)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Leah

If I may tell you a story of conquest and liberation... Back in 99 my son was a baby then, and being a single parent I was struggling. I had just lost my steady job and moved into a new apartment and with the high costs of living here, costs of daycare etc., I was drowning. I secured a temp job that paid well, but it was temp and ended in May. I qualified for unemployment and decided I'd ride the summer out. Over the summer I traveled down south on a fluke to visit a nephew I hadn't seen in ages. During that visist, I looked in the newspaper and found a job. Within THREE days, I was back home packing. I needed to sublet my apartment as I didn't want to lose it I didn't know what the future would hold. Within three days - I packed, found a sub-lessor and packed up my old Impala with whatever fit - took one pot, one pan, two plates, two knives forks etc, small tv and a radio. THAT WAS IT! No furniture nothing. The job was in property management, so I had half off on the rent. My son and I slept on the floor for six weeks - I had no money for furniture - the apartment was bare. Within six week - OH, I also did this with only $200.00 to my name, which was absorbed mostly on GAS for the trip. In six weeks, like I was saying, I graduated to an air mattress, which somehow sprung a leak so we'd fall asleep comfortably and by morning end up on the floor! As property manager, whenever someone would move, we had the right to whatever they left behind. Some would have moving sales, etc. Within a year, my entire apartment was furnished. I had a bed, dresser, sofa, dining room set, etc. Some I paid for, some I was able to get. Things manifested. I had focus, I was determined and I was positive. The most important lesson in all of it was that I learned that there is a lot in life I don't need, and that somehow, some way, GOD will always provide *WHOMEVER your God is. We have the power to make of our lives what we wish - we need to have the determination and decide we are unstoppable. Within a year's time I decided to come home. I call that period my "mental health break"...timing once again was in my favor, as two months later, they removed the half off rent incentive and I would have been drowning again - divine intervention? Within three days of returning, no even being unpacked, after three days on the road, exhausted, I found myself at the DOE at 8am because I needed a JOB, and within three days, I had been hired as a Teacher. The principal responded to my inquiry asked me when I could come in for an interview. I explained I had been moving, all my things were boxed, I did not have a suit etc, he said come as you are. I explained, I only had shorts and tee shirts out he said "come as you are." I went on that interview in shorts, a tee shirt and no make-up - I might have been wearing flip flops!!!.... When you are in alignment with yourself, when you are determined, when you say to yourself: "I'll be dammed if anything will stop me!" You will get where you need to go. AND - keep uppermost in your mind - There is a season for everything. I have tales of despair too but in hindsight, in the end, it's all about seasons. This is a changing of seasons for you. Be determined, be powerful, invite and embrace change, and you will find your place. I do not speak from being at my "new" place as of yet, but I can smell and remember what transition entails. You are in transition as I am...shore up the mind and you will be unstoppable.... All the best and we will stay in touch...safe journey Leah! Warm hugs!
Jan 10 - 11AM
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

Leah

I have no idea what it is about you but I am not a bit concerned that you will suffer very long. I know right noow sucks, it does, your sick to death of PDI's. Your ready to move and adding the packing up, ugh. Just wanted to drop in and say "I am positively rooting for you." :)
Jan 10 - 12PM (Reply to #15)
Leah
Leah's picture

Awwww, thanks blueeyes!

You have no idea how much that means to me. Just taking a break from sorting/packing, and your post really cheered me up. I have a hard time having faith in myself...that's on my healing 'to do' list. Was thinking of the ex-narc and what a jerk he was to leave me making this move alone. But he wasn't good for me, so it wouldn't have mattered anyway. *sigh* One foot in front of the other... Hugs of thanks, Leah
Jan 10 - 12PM (Reply to #16)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

You know how you get faith

You know how you get faith in yourself? By keeping your promises to yourself. And almost as important, by taking a leap of faith and believing it when other folks have faith in you too :D I feel the same way as Blueeyes. People who dig into it the way you have, and work hard with the material, and get real honest even though it might hurt are people I don't worry about too much :) You are a pleasure to have on the board, and an example for everyone, including myself, of courage and dogged determination to push into a better life.
Jan 10 - 4PM (Reply to #19)
Leah
Leah's picture

Awww Briseis, you got me misty-eyed...

Thanks so much for what you said. I wouldn't have made it through these past few months without you guys. Before I came to this site, I almost checked myself into an ER because the crying & panic attacks wouldn't stop. Now I'm coping much better, and I've connected so many dots to childhood & family that I wouldn't have done otherwise. This community is such an amazing source of healing and support. I don't see myself the way you & Blueeyes do, but I'll work on that. I just feel driven to move out of this space of deep discomfort...where the narc 'dropped me off.' Or better, where my BPD mom 'dropped me off.' This most recent ex-N really woke me up. Briseis, I've actually broken a lot of promises to myself. That's a great way of explaining it...it really helps. I need to keep my promises to myself. I really do. I am taking a leap of faith with hits move...so that'll help, eh? This move does feel kind of crazy...but I don't think staying where I am would be any saner. I've had a stagnant life in this city for the past 6 years (out of a total of almost 15). I have to try something new, even if I fail. I guess it is a pretty big leap of faith. But staying stuck where I am is just as risky...and hasn't shown good results in the past. *deep breath* Briseis, if it weren't for the words you've shared with me, I wouldn't have had the 'Aha!' moments I've had...and will continue to have. You are really awesome & brilliant. You've been incredibly patient with me and have written long, insightful posts that I continue to re-read. I'm so glad that when I move to California, you all 'move' with me. : ) Huge hug of gratitude, Leah
Jan 10 - 12PM (Reply to #17)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

Yes Briseis!

That's what it is, FAITH in. Leah. I can just feel it, like a kindred spirit, whatever the hell that is :) Leah, your gonna get sad and feel like this is "never" gonna end. That's natural, but even when you feel that way the person inside of you is working REALLY hard to get you into a better place. You won't know it's happening but we can see it. PLEASE keep us posted. I know you will :)
Jan 10 - 4PM (Reply to #18)
Leah
Leah's picture

Blueeyes, thanks

for reminding me to have faith in myself, and to have faith in the process. I feel like this move is intensifying the effect! *sigh* Wow, this is all so big. Thanks for all your support, and you'll hear from me again before I fly out! Big hug, Leah
Jan 10 - 8AM
Leah
Leah's picture

Thanks everyone, it's great to feel connected to you all

when I'm sooooooooooooooooooo overwhelmed and have less than a week to finish packing. I've woken up & gone to bed crying for the past 3 days. Some of it is ex-narc related. I've realized that he seemed odd to me in the beginning, but because he came on so strong and I was so vulnerable (a month into recuperation after a week-long hospital stay for an infection)...I gave into his seduction. The illness & hospital stay were traumatizing, and they say that we regress, psychologically, when we're sick. So a 'regressed' Leah was who he was seducing. I was more like the 'little girl' Leah than the 'adult' Leah. So sometimes I cry for having put myself through hell when I could've avoided it. I'm also getting more & more disgusted by remembering the moments when we visited each other...because now I see that he wasn't emotionally present...at all. And when he tried to be, his responses were usually inappropriate. I remember the FIRST day he visited me, and I was an emotional wreck...I had medical billers chasing me for a lot of money. I had to call them, and not all the calls went well. I had made the calls while he had been taking a nap on my bed (he came in on the red-eye), and when he say I was crying, he invited me to lie down next to him. He hugged me from behind while I cried; I was on my side. I spoke about why I was upset. Meanwhile, he was trying to run his fingers through my hair, which is difficult, because I have wavy, thick, frizzy hair. Through my tears, I said, 'You can't really run your hands through my hair. I have frizzy, kinky hair.' He took one of his hands and from my waist to my upper thigh, traced the curve of my body, and while doing so said in a breathy voice, "Never say the word, 'kinky' while in bed with a man." I remember my body tensing up and feeling uncomfortable. I was confused. There I was crying about possible financial ruin, and he was making a come-on. He sensed me tense up & get quiet, and he said something like, "Don't worry, I'm not trying to seduce you." In retrospect, that was the first red flag that something was wrong with him. We had only spoken 6 weeks on the phone, and here we were, only 2 hours into knowing each other in person, and instead of providing a soothing presence, he was jumping into sexual stuff. So, remember those kinds of moments has me really creeped out. And sad. I'm also sad because I'm leaving a family of friends behind with my move. I've been to 2 gatherings so far (1 for me, one just a workshop), and there's 1 more on Fri. night. I cry every time. I know I need to try to make a new life in the Bay Area...but I'll miss my family of friends here. And that family is my true family. Other than my sister & brother-in-law, I don't really have any other family that I want to speak to. I'm also sad because after living here for 14.5 years as an adult & and almost 8 years as a kid...it's very emotional to leave. This city is what I know. And I tried to 'make it' here. What I really made was a family of friends, and I pursued a lot of healing work with my spiritual family. I have to trust that that's all I was meant to do here...for now...and that my intuition to be in the Bay Area right now is what I need to re-charge, to get back to my center...to detox from city life...to re-member who I am in a deep sense. This city has wore me down, sapped me of all my money, affected my health...stressed me out. I need a break. If I end up not liking living in the Bay Area, I can always come back. I have dozens of friend here who would give me their couch in a heartbeat. As my therapist said to me a few days ago, moving is 'moving'. Lastly, I'm anticipating that I'll be triggered sometimes when I arrive in CA. I hope it will fade over time. Initially I'll be living in a suburb of SF way out, so there won't be a chance I'll see him. But as I job search & move around, there's no telling where I might bump into him. Ugh. But he doesn't own the Bay Area. I need to claim it as my new home & not fear him. Okay, I have to go & pack. Thanks for listening & supporting, gals. I can't wait till I'm settles in SF, and can post frequently again on the new site. Big hug to you all, I will check in a few more times before I ly out on Sunday, the 16th. Love & hugs, Leah
Jan 8 - 8PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Leah

You go girl. I'll tell you again you are stronger than you think. Smarty Pants :) Love Idealk
Jan 10 - 9AM (Reply to #12)
Leah
Leah's picture

Thanks Idealk

: ) I'm plugging along... Big hug, Leah
Jan 8 - 3PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

I know you are going to do

I know you are going to do everything you say you will :) You sincerely do NOT mess around :D I know what it feels like to be shamed based, and am more and more experiencing what it's like to NOT be shame based. When you think of the sweetness of freedom . . . that's what it feels like :) The burden is lifted. Now I have residual stuff, in certain places. Like I'm cleaning out the closet and still have a couple of boxes of stuff I don't know what to do with . . . YET. Opportunities will come along and more and more of this shame will get dumped. So it's a process . . . like organizing/cleaning out a very nasty closet or basement. Best of luck and goodness and mercy on your move :) Stay safe and keep in touch as you are able :)
Jan 10 - 9AM (Reply to #10)
Leah
Leah's picture

Hi Briseis, thanks so much

for all the well wishes. I miss you guys a lot and feel a bit disconnected. Look forward to reconnecting in a week or so when I'm settled. Yes, I'm looking forward to de-programming my shame-based thinking & feeling patterns. They literally hurt me, in so many ways. I posted an update above. Will post again soon. Hugs of gratitude, Leah
Jan 8 - 2PM
Scotchy71
Scotchy71's picture

Hi Leah

Hang in there, you're doing great...we've all missed you here but nice to see you on the other site now too. It's great seeing everyone's lovely faces. x
Jan 10 - 9AM (Reply to #8)
Leah
Leah's picture

Hi Scotchy

Thanks for your encouragement...I'm an emotional wreck right now. : ) I miss you guys too!!! And yes, it's great to see everyone's faces. : ) Hugs of thanks, Leah
Jan 8 - 8AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Leah

Morty is right on, your therapist calls it as he see it, your are fortunate to find such a good one! safe travels it will not be long before I do the same thing as well! Keep in touch.
Jan 10 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
Leah
Leah's picture

Onwithmylife, sorry I've been out of touch

I've just been completely overwhelmed. Will be in better touch once I move. : ) Hope you're feeling better. I know you've been through the wringer lately. Big hug, Leah
Jan 10 - 9AM (Reply to #6)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Leah

no worries, I will be as busy as you soon, plan my move towards the end of February. All the best!!
Jan 8 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

When are you moving - OWML?

When are you moving? How do you feel about it? OK?
Jan 8 - 7AM
anonymous
anonymous's picture

Leah - Your Therapist Sounds Cool

"BTW, my therapist calls ex-N 'a jerk,' 'an a*****e' & 'a creepy guy.' I like my therapist." I like the terms he used with you. Not, your ExN is "a personality disordered individual" or a "mentally ill person" or "the victim of a broken home" or whatever. Because all of those labels still make us, their victims, feel sorry for them. Your theraptist calls it like it is. The guy is a jerk. The guy is an a$$hole. The guy is a creep. Takes all of the mystery, and sympathy, out of it, doesn't it? Good luck with your move. Cool that your therapist will do phone sessions. I'm glad for you - one less thing you have to worry about. Looking forward to seeing you on the other side Leah. =) Morty