Gso88's Story
Gso88's Story
Spinning in Circles
Exactly one month ago I ended a relationship with what I thought was the love of my life when I discovered all the lies deceit and betrayal that had been occurring since day 1 of our relationship.
This is a long story so I will apologize to and thank in advance anyone who makes it through the whole post.
I'm a guy in my early to mid twenties, just getting started in my career after finishing up a degree. I've only ever had 2 "serious" relationships, preparation for my career has always been first and foremost in my life. The first ended when she and I realized that our lives were just not on the same page and after some initial bitterness things calmed down and we are on friendly terms, the last serious relationship ended with lies cheating and betrayal on her part and after much honest evaluation, looking back, and reading its clear she fits the example of a Narc.
Knowing is one thing, adjusting another completely. It's like my heart hasnt caught up with my head in the logic department. I've decided to post here because I just need to let it out, be heard and maybe even get some advice because quite honestly I can't shake this funk that I am in.
In my line of work I've seen some pretty horrible things, I've had to do things that people who aren't in this line of work would never understand. But that's not a bad thing, it's taught me to maintain composure and control my emotions in even the worst situations. Don't get me wrong I don't repress emotion and bad feelings but it's just an unspoken rule, you don't talk about it. You internally sit down, analyze and adapt, eventually moving on.
I realize it's only been a month but I haven't made any progress at all, it feels like for every step forward I take two back. I've tried talking to friends but that's just not cutting it. I am not accustomed to sharing my thoughts and feelings with others and it's uncomfortable. They sympathize and are trying to help but they just don't get it. Every single one of my friends is in a solid happy long term relationship. It's hard just being around them and seeing the happiness I thought I had but ultimately discovered was just an act.
Now for the relationship, the whole thing started with a lie. She was with another guy when we first started talking. When I found out I immediately backed off. She and all her friends assured me that this guy was not with her. He was just a jealous stalker type that always wanted to be with her but she was never interested. My intuition was that this wasn't true but I ignored it and continued to pursue the relationship, my first mistake...
Things progressed over time and we decided to be exclusive, eventually turning into her telling me she "loved" me. She remained in contact with some of her ex's but always made it a point to tell me when she spoke with them so that I would know I could "trust her" and that there was nothing there. What I found out later was that she was actually keeping avenues open so she could "go back" if things weren't working out between us.
At first I felt like I'd never felt in a relationship before. She made me feel like I was the center of her world. Affection everywhere, close was never close enough, she challenged me (in a good way) to be a better boyfriend- open up, express myself, etc etc
As the relationship progressed we eventually got to the point where we both found ourselves in new jobs, mine was the first real opportunity I had at making a career, not just a stepping stone to something greater. There was a lot of stress adjusting to these changes especially because it was extremely close to the holidays. I had to adjust my sleep schedule and behaviors to adapt to my new work environment and this caused a conflict in the sense that I had to allot some extra time for me to make sure I could adjust and perform at my best because like I said, people rely on me to keep them safe and my partners have to count on me to protect them as well.
Man oh man did things change once my focus drifted even the tiniest bit away from her. Up until this point I would bend over backwards to keep her happy, do things I didn't want to do, even give up some of my passions to keep her happy because she didn't like that it interfered with "our time". I got out of shape, alienated friends just because they happened to be female even though the relationship with them was completely platonic (we had known each other since we were 10 years old for crying out loud!). I thought I was happy because making her happy was what made me happy. Looking back I now realize that it was so draining and I was blinded by how she made me feel at the beginning. I held on to that feeling even though I knew it had been slipping away more and more.
About the beginning of December the changes in the relationship had become so apparent, so numerous, and so intense that I couldn't attribute it to just stress and change anymore. I confronted her about this growing distance between us, the lack of affection and intimacy on her part, her care free attitude about being with her "new friends" , mostly guys, out late, not knowing where she is or who she is with (mind you it was a big deal if I got a text from a female friend asking for help with something work related... But her behavior was to be considered ok...) but she was not willing to do anything to spend any time with me. Her answer was that she had been unhappy, I am never conversational, I don't show her I love her, I'm always sleeping (I start my 13 hour shifts at 4am...), and things of that nature.
Now I am the first to admit my faults, I am not afraid of criticism and as I loved this girl I was more than willing to listen. I know I am not very conversational, she would ask me about work and I would be very short and not descriptive- " oh you know, long day really busy" and not much else... Not because I didn't want to share but because of the nature of my job it would be a crime to share, she knew this and I stretched the rules to their very limit, but I'm not a big small talker either and I told her that I will definitely make the effort to be more involved in the conversations and not just listen to her. The sleeping I tried to explain, I need to be able to perform my job to the best of my abilities, for the safety of myself and others but I conceded that I could push my sleep schedule a little more when I had days off and promised I would. The affection and intimacy or lack off she blamed on me because my actions had put her in a bad mood. I attributed not ahowing i loved her to my lack of experience in serious relationships. She cried a lot but ultimately at the end I felt like it was all my fault, that I had failed her in some way by making her upset.
The next few days were rocky, she was extremely cold and I was trying to maintain a "it's ok, we will get through this and be stronger for it" positive attitude for her so she wouldn't be upset.
Then I got our cell phone bill the day after Xmas, I noticed an extremely high volume of calls from her line- almost 1000 minutes on her line alone. I looked at the detailed usage and discovered she would spend anywhere between an hour and a half to three hours on the phone at 2-3 in the morning with this number. I looked into it and found out it was a guy she worked with. This had been going on for several weeks, about the time I noticed this distance staring to manifest itself. I confronted her immediately, as I was at work we discussed it on the phone. I stepped away from where I had the bill open on the computer and we talked on and off for almost 7 hours. Finally it felt as if a giant weight had lifted off my chest, I thought I finally got through to her. She apologized assured me it was nothing more than her venting her frustrations about the issues we were having with a guy so he could give her insight her girlfriends couldn't. I bought into it, that is until I sat back down and looked at the computer. The bill had refreshed since i last looked at it. Every time I had to let her go or she had to let me go, she was on the phone with this guy (we will call him John from now on). She called again to tell me she missed me and would really like it if I would just go to her place and curl up and watch a movie. Knowing full well what she had been doing I agreed like I had no idea and everything was ok. I was not going to deal with any more lies on the phone, I'd see if she would lie to my face. I needed to actually do my job anyways, luckily it was a quiet day and the distraction wasn't really harmful.
The work day ended and I just went straight to her house. I didn't shower didn't change didn't bring food like I said I would. I didn't even take off my coat when I sat down on her bed. Knowing full well something had to be wrong I looked her dead in the eye and said "Did you talk to John today" she looked straight back and without skipping a beat said "no" I responded with "not at all?" to which she said "well I called to tell him that we couldn't talk anymore but he didn't answer" I stood up, looked her dead in the eye and said "you are a f&$(8$(, liar give me my ring back" she started crying and saying I'm sorry. I took my ring, grabbed all the things I gave her that had sentimental value and started walking out the door, she kept saying she was sorry and to wait. I stopped and in a moment of lost self control I yelled, "sorry just isn't going to effing cut it. You lie, you sneak behind my back talking to other guys, you say it's just about 'us' but you end our conversations because you say you are tired and going to bed but call him and talk until 5 in the morning - YOU EFFING LIE" to which she said I scare her and to get out of her house. I told her if I walk out that door I'm never coming back. She said we aren't ever going to resolve this tonight and just let me go. I waited 5 mins at the front door but she never came so I went home. The next day at work I lost total control of my emotions, up down left right I could not reign it in. This was so uncharacteristic It freaked me out, it made me physically sick to the point I was sent home as not fit for duty because they thought I had the flu. I didn't give them any reason to think otherwise, if they knew a relationship had me so unhinged I don't even want to think what the fall out would be. I went home, took a cold shower, tried but failed to eat then called my mother, if there's one person I could open up to it would be her I reasoned. She told me that she "knew it is hard but once trust is lost like that it will always be in the back of your head." Despite the negativity I deal with on a daily basis I remain positive and truly believe that everyone has a good side, people make mistakes and if they can understand and correct what they did wrong everyone deserves a second chance - love is forgiveness after all... Man was that naive. My dumbarse grabbed my ring and went over to her house to forgive her. She had been texting and calling all day saying she was sorry, she was wrong, she panicked when I asked her and she didn't want to make me mad after we had such an honest and good conversation, that we had finally started mending the strain on our relationship. I ate it allll up and that's where I gave in to the second chance mentality. I'd like to note that in the past I've never forgiven dishonesty and the disrespect associated with it, that's just one of those things that is very important to me and unforgivable, but this girl had me twisted all around.
I showed up unannounced and she was so shocked, i was supposed to be at work all day afterall. She had obviously been crying and she broke down instantly upon seeing me and just held on to me for dear life. My heart melted. We sat down and I started talking I told her that when I first gave her that ring that I meant what I said, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and was committed to "us" no matter what it takes. At that point her grandmother walked in the front door, my ex apologized and said she had to go with her to an appointment and had completely forgot. I was ok with that, I did show up unannounced after all. We promised to meet up after and just talk. Well 6 hours later nothing. I contacted her and she said that the fact I showed up was just shocking and that she thinks that I will always hold this against her always question her etc etc etc. I told her ya you are right I will if you don't do anything to make me think otherwise. She said she wasn't willing to give up her friendship with John because she doesn't think she did anything wrong. I went and got my ring back... Again and gave her, well her mother because she disnt want to face me so I had to drop it off at her parents business, every single thing she gave me over the course of our relationship no matter how insignificant, sentimental or not, and initiated no contact. She FREAKED out when she got all that stuff from her mom. Over the next 48 hours it was message after message, call after call leaving voicemails saying I love you, how can you just cut me out, do you really not care, I miss my boyfriend etc etc. I caved in on the third day and it was just a back and forth of me trying to fix it, her saying she wanted to but not doing anything to actually fix it. I got frustrated and we ultimately decided to spend some time apart evaluate ourselves and give it a try in a few weeks. Well over the next few days I found out the extent of her deception and betrayal went far beyond phone calls. It was intimate, they were definitely more than "just friends."
I ended it by telling her she was "a lying bit... " before she hung up on me and that was the last I talked to her. That was about 20 days ago.
Like I said I went back and evaluated everything that happened over the entire time we were together. I discovered some more deceit when someone sent me some anonymous emails from her phone regarding emails sent between her and others during our entire relationship. I'm pretty sure I know who it was, a coworker of hers that id known for a long time that she had screwed over pretty badly, but I'll never be able to prove it or I would I'd buy them a beer for opening my eyes to who she really is. I learned that this is a pattern of hers, she always has someone waiting in the wings. Always keeping and opening new options. When things go wrong she establishes the foundations of a new relationship the just jumps ship. She did it to boyfriend A to B, then B to C, then C with me. The only reason she panicked was because her new relationship wasn't firmly established yet, it wasn't a sure thing. I caught her in the act and exposed her game before she could dump me and that threw a huge wrench in how she operates. But by the time I ended it once and for all she was set with John and has since just disappeared, I got the last word and since it's been no contact.
I know that the love I had was an illusion. I loved what I thought was her not the real person. In my mind I've already let go, logically I want nothing to do with her. But something is missing, I never really thought heartache was a real thing but I can assure you now that it is. There's a tightness in my chest that just won't go away, it makes it difficult to breathe, eat, sleep... It's a constant.
I've done everything I can think of to help myself move on. I've been hitting the gym, I started to really do it to help when things first started to I south in November and I've lost almost 25 lbs, im in the best shape of my life, I went out and bought myself some new clothes, reorganized all my things, spent time with friends and reconnected with a lot I lost touch with because of her. But in the end that's all just a quick fix. That only makes me feel better for a short time. There's only so many times in a day you can go to the gym, only so much you can do to move around your house you know? The worst part is that this all came as a complete shock. One lie caused me to look into everything and soon everything just exploded. I couldn't prepare, I reacted, and I know my reaction was the right one. But still to be with someone so long, always have them texting and calling to nothing is probably the worst. My phone is eerily quiet. I just check it a hundred times a day, not necessarily to see if she broke no contact but to see if anyone out there tried contacting me at all...
I've been through bad breakups, I've been cheated on before, I always look at it as one day at a time. You wake up and you are "down" but everyday you feel better just a little bit sooner until you are back to being happy with you. But with this everything seems to get worse and last longer. I can barely manage to eat anything, the only reason I eat is because I know I have to, I lay in bed at night scared to close my eyes because I know I will dream about the good times or about how she just cut me out completely at the end. I guess because integrity has always been a big part of my life I don't understand the lies. I'm not a trusting person in the sense that I don't let people close to me easily. But as my friends would tell you once I do let someone in I trust them completely and they know that I would take a bullet for them without hesitation. Like I mentioned before I handle emotions differently than a lot of others, so I don't throw "I love you" around like it's nothing, if I say it I absolutely mean it with all of my being. It just kills me to know that she could say that to me and do what she did at the same time. Now she's "happy" and I'm miserable and I have to grieve about that too.
Again I just feel lost, the traditional remedies don't help. Everyone says just keep doing what you are doing, time is all that's left... But time isn't helping, it's making it worse. I made her a part of my life, included her in everything about me from the things I used to do to make myself feel better to taking her to the places I used to go to just "escape" and think when I was upset or angry or frustrated.
I'm trying to get out and do new things meet new people. I've been going out to the bars at night with friends to distract myself (I'm not drinking, personally just not my thing) but that's not my scene. New hobbies bore me, I love my job but I can't focus and almost my entire 13 hour shift is spent alone, not focusing at what I do is definitely not conducive to coming home safe at night. My friends like I said are all in long term relationships and are set in their own routines so it gets dull doing the same things over and over again. I've tried to meet new people but its very hard not being a chatty person.
I'm beating myself up trying to "show her" I'm better than that. I'm trying to prove to myself that I'm not what she says about me. I'm forcing myself to stay up late even when I'm exhausted because she said I was always sleeping early, I'm going out and doing things I never did before even though I don't like to because it's the only things I didn't do with her. I'm writing long winded messages on the Internet to strangers... Im not being me. I'm not unhappy with me, I'm actually very proud of what I've accomplished in my life. I know I have a great future ahead of me and that I have a lot to offer.
But that said I'm still stuck on that "perfect match" feeling I had when we first got together. To me the perfect day off is to stay in in sweats, take care of business and just relax. I bust my butt at work in crappy weather, during crappy hours, dealing with crappy people. I don't want to go out all the time, I don't want to always be going places, I want to save some money to get a new home not just an apartment. She liked all of that too, she wasn't a party person, didn't like the bar, preferred to just stay in and watch movies in each others arms (act or not that was perfect - I was happy and content). My concern is how the hell do you meet someone like that?! I "got lucky" with her because I used to work in retail so I met new people all the time. My career job does not provide me that opportunity, so I'm left with going "out" which I hate.... What are the odds that someone who is out would rather be at home? Who knows maybe someone was dragged along like I was... But then if you are in a bad mood to begin with because you dont want to be there how in the hell approachable do you think you are?! So you do what I do, put on a smile and pretend like its all ok, like you are having a good time. Don't get me wrong, all this uncertainty hasn't killed my self confidence, I know my worth and I consider myself to be attractive to boot. Self confidence is huge and I can play "the game" just as well as anyone. But the people that attracts don't interest me when I'm out, im past that college party boy attitude, so here we are back to square one. I know I know, plenty of fish in the sea, someone out there for everyone and all that but that "perfect" feeling will I ever find that again, more importantly will I find it and it be genuine or just another manipulative act? I'm no idiot I know I'm missing the "feelings" I had in the relationship, not her. She's not on that pedestal anymore, in fact I made my list the good vs bad list... After looking at it I tossed it in my fireplace the facts spoke for themselves and the very though of who she is makes me sick. But for some reason all the things she says about me to other people, that she doesn't realize knew me before she and I even, knew each other. She says I never loved her: that infuriates me to no end. She bad mouths me up and down acting the victim. Typical behavior for a narc I understand but it REALLY pisses me off...
I'm starting to go in circles and get off on different tangents so I think now is a good a time as any to cut it off. Again thank you if you made it this far and I appreciate any advice and guidance you have.
You described everything I was feeling!!
Sounds like you have come to the right place
Thanks - and clarification
GSO....we all ignored
GSO
Wow...you have really been
GS088
That "perfect" feeling you
Hark,Hark yes this chick is a