To Ty, Dark Skull,
You broke my heart, soul and spirit last August. How sad and pathetic I still want you in some way. To think that I was going to email you tonight, I was going to break NC. I watched this movie on HBO to distract me from my thoughts of you. But instead it turned out to be a movie that spun me into me missing you more. I am crying so hard as I write this.
I asked for a sign today. I got down on my knees and asked for a sign. A sign just to know you were thinking of me. In my fantastical thoughts of you I am stupidly taking this movie as a sign that you are thinking of me. That you did care. That you miss me. I NEVER have time to watch movies. I never sit in front of tv on Saturday night. So for my fantasy girl part of me, as you used to call me, I am taking this as a sign.
The movie was about a girl who had same name as me AND her husband she called poppy, but it reminded me of when I called you Papi. She was 26 yo, and found out she had 2 months to live. She didn't tell anyone. But she lived her days as if they were the last. On her bucket list was to make love with other men. She did meet a lover, they did not know much about each other. It reminded me so of you n I, as they fell in love. They were mad about each other.
My stomach s in knots right now. I want to email you so bad and tell you I miss you and I love the man I thought you were.
But I hate you so much for ruining me. You fucking ruined me and my life. I fucking hate you, Ty, the real YOU. Who the hell are you? I gave my heart, love, my body, my deepest secrets, my dreams, my thoughts all to you. To YOU, the fucking person I don't even know.
You are not the sexy, .loving, giving, respectful, trustworthy, kind person I fell in love with. You are, YOU , Ty, the real YOU, are the opposite of all that. You are a liar, cheater, sneak, deceptive, cunning, scheming, calculating, taking kind of a person. I can't even call you a man. You are a coward.
When I saw you this summer you showed to my face your true colors. But stupidly I wanted to believe you were different. You told me you wanted to become " one" with me. I fell in love with you all over again, but the fake you, the one that texted me all those beautiful words. But when I saw you, you weren't walking the talk. Your actions screamed to me for me to " get out". As much as I wanted to be with you, I couldn't wait to leave your place. I knew I was going to be confronted by another OW in your driveway. You were too cowardly to walk me to the front of the house to my car. The first time I saw you this summer, you walked me to my car, but when you saw that pic up truck blocking your driveway, I turned around and you were gone, your garage door was shutting on my face. You thought someone was going t confront you. The way you locked your back slider doors, put up the gate across it...who were you expecting? Were you setting up Melissa? Was she supposed to show up and you wanted her to see me there with you? I know you did that to her once before.
I realize you are a piece of scum. You really are. But I know how you really feel about yourself. I know about your NPD. You are a textbook case. And all of your r/s will end the same. The same bad ending for the girl and you getting " out of dodge" once again. The lies you told me are a good reflection of how you feel about yourself. Telling me you had cancer so I would be sorry for you, then when I was sorry, you got mad at me. Telling me you were not sexting or texting OW at work. Telling me I was the love of your life the only one that was ever at your place, that I was your sexy Mami, that you wanted to marry me one day and have kids with me. Telling me you spent weekends in Jersey with your cousin. Telling me your aunt died. Telling me you went to Aruba with your daughter. Telling me you were in the boy band Menudo. Telling me you were given experimental medical, top secret cancer treatment at VA in Northport. Telling me that girl in the pic on your mirror is your sister, Eva. Telling me that you thought Lisa was the most disgusting, dirty, manly, ugliest girl, you ever knew to throw me off the scent. Telling me you had a meeting with the big bosses. Telling me I was the best. Getting mad when I made flippant remark about you liking your new pillows that bought, as I knew you were not sleeping on them alone. I knew you went through my bag and stole money when I was in the shower, that's why I didnt have enough money for Chinese food. And you thought because I took so long when I went to pick up the food that I wasn't coming back...I guess u had guilty conscience ( I went to cash machine asshole).
I can't even think anymore. I wrote this because I needed a good cry. I hate you Ty. I don't know you. You are dead to me. I wish you were the man I fell in love with..........minnieme