Goodbye Memory

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#1 Jun 24 - 9PM
spt's picture

Goodbye Memory

Dear (ExN),

I know tonight I am awake again and of course you've crossed my mind. I cannot say the same for you. I don't know who you're getting high off of tonight. I don't know know who you're spewing fantasies too...and telling them their name sounds good with yours. I don't know. I don't want to know anymore.
It was so easy to keep me on the back burner, even when you knew it was tearing me apart inside. I believed you when you said you cared so much. I believed you when you came up with every excuse for why I should stay around while you gave every thing I wanted to everyone else...or someone else at least. You may not be the traditional "player", but you are a player. A heart is nothing more than a toy to you. Because I think you must lack one. Had the tables been turned I would have let you go.
I am so angry with you and so angry with me. I am angry with you for pursuing me, and me for falling and me for turning into someone I couldn't stand. Someone who had to lie just to get some peace and eventually found herself fibbing about almost anything. I am not a fibber at heart..and now that we're apart I find I can stop. I became a needy clingy crying mess. All I did was cry while you did what? Slept like a baby. Yes everyone hurts in different ways, but you never hurt. You went about your days the same, ate the same, talked the same, aside from telling me what I was to you during my mainstay in the devaluation phase. I am so pissed at how I could ever let myself get so low as to beg you while you probably scoffed and felt high about my pain and suffering.
I should have believed you the day you told me you felt no empathy for my pain over our breakup. You felt nothing. No care, no empathy. It hurt my head and heart so bad I denied it even when you put it point blank in front of me. I am angry that you punished me when I was bad, like I was some kid. I am angry that you called me such hurtful names and felt no remorse. I am angry you felt nothing for breaking my heart and stealing so much of my young life I will never get back, and you'll go on tomorrow like NOTHING happened, with a girl who is naive and dumb enough to believe your tripe. I am not that girl anymore.
I can see you now. You cannot hide. I may still feel for you, but it's the you I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The you I envisioned sharing everything with. I was willing to make sacrifices most women would not have because I would have moved mountains for you. You know what they say though, "don't leap an ocean for someone who would not jump a puddle for you."
You would never sacrifice for me. You say you gave me your everything. So let me break this down. Your everything is basically feigning emotions where it suited you, punishing me when I did not meet your expectations or you decided I wasn't worth working the problems out with, keeping me around on your rope while you pursued numerous women, leaving me to fend for myself constantly, throwing all your issues and thoughts on me but shutting down when I needed you to listen to me, blaming me for everything, accusing me of lying when I tried to tell the truth, leaving me reeling to the point I had to commit myself because you DIDN'T CARE, telling me you did not care what I was going through while I was sick with constant stomach pain and diarrhea for weeks to the point I had to get diagnosed via endoscopy for them to tell me my stomach and esophagus were torn up from constant use of alcohol and diet pills. That's right, I took alcohol and diet pills on an empty stomach for days! I am angry at me for doing it and angry at you for pretending to give a damn but running if I even hinted I needed you. I understand okay? Needy dysfunctional chicks are no fun. Ha! Oh wait, yes they are when I want them for sex and my own selfish needs. I am angry at you for dragging me along for your joyride.
I was not the best girlfriend, I know that. I should never have even been a girlfriend! I should have healed myself from the previous relationship, because although I was never in love with him, I was still wounded very badly and had a lot of lessons I needed to learn. I guess the only good thing you ever did for me was allow me to learn those lessons. I love my teddy bear you got me. I am not putting him away. After all he's just a bear. He didn't choose to be sent by a manipulative meanie like you. I had to get rid of your letters. As far as I know they were never genuine. I felt they were. Your letters and cards were my world. I loved them. I thought you meant it when you said I was one of those special people you'd never meet again. You know what? I am. Not that you will ever know it. I still love them..but they were part of a fictional story and I am closing the page on it.
I am angry because I still love "you". I would still take a bullet for "you". I would still be a housewife, a friend, a support, a doctor, a sister, a anything for "you". I am angry that I can still feel but blessed at the same time. I have to carry this and you get off scott free. You don't have to feel a thing or a single burden. I believed in you. I wanted to support and encourage you! and for what? So you could bang me and run back to the cradel where your jailbait baby awaited or back to your spanish girlfriend, and her cousin whom you also wanted. Or maybe you tried to contact my friend, the one who wouldn't give you the time of day because she saw right through you. Blame me, yeah. she knew what you were before I ever came along, she was just biding her time. In fact I defended you to her. Many times. She just shook her head and sighed. She knew why I defended you. Even after you gave me the silent treatment because you blamed me for her not liking you.
I am angry that I am the only one who is affected by this. But oh well... I suppose because I still care I wouldn't genuinely want you to hurt. I just wanted you to care. To truly show it. Your words meant as much as a dog turd on a fresh cut lawn to me because not an action was there to back it up. Even when you "listened" to shut me up, you proved it was a game because one, I had to beg you to listen, two, I heard you sigh and become exasperated, three, when I asked for advice it proved you did not listen, and you became more critical.
Of course I can't vent any of this to you. I know you would just hum it away... it doesn't matter. The same way my heart doesn't. The same way none of me matters, and never did.
I forgive you now. It will still hurt because forgiveness is a process. I don't have to earn your forgiveness, because I was truly sorry when I felt I hurt or upset you in any way, and I would have done anything to prove it to you. I don't have to earn your forgiveness when I offered mine freely. I am done swallowing poison. I got my angry thoughts out here, to people who are actually human and will listen.
I forgive you, even though despite my love for your false self, I feel like I hate you right now. I hate you for putting me through this. I hate you for letting me put myself through it. I wish you would have been a man and made sure I stayed away to heal and move on. Instead you brought me in knowing I was weak and in love, and took full advantage of it. For that I hate you. I am never going to be in love with you again. I may suffer some feelings throughout the process, and I may mistake them for being in love...then I remember I am in love with a person from a book. That book is over. The person doesn't exist.
I forgive you and I don't genuinely hate you. I don't hate anyone. But I am going to let myself feel what I feel now without a second thought as to what you FEEL about it or THINK about it. I don't care anymore. I will be glad when I can look back someday and if I even invite you into my thoughts, it will be like thinking about the weather. And it will happen because I come from a line of women who are stubborn and determined, and though we fall and even break, we get back up rebuild ourselves even better and stronger.
Now I am forgiving you and giving you to God because only He is perfect. Only his love and mercy can help you. And I putting you back on the curb where you've really always been so some other unfortunate soul(s) can pick you up and waste their time trying to repair you. I love me enough not to try anymore. I'm fed up.
More importantly, I forgive me for being human.
Goodbye memory.

Jul 1 - 12AM
ZanShin's picture

Thank you

Nov 18 - 4PM
spt's picture