The relationship has finally come to an end. We have split up countless times due to your lying and cheating. You once told me that I "would learn something before this was through." I remember that comment because you were already indicating that it would come to an end. This was said to me at the airport on our layover to San Francisco. The second trip we took together as a couple. There were so many hurtful things you said, but always followed with "I was just kidding...relax!" Any time I was upset by what you said, it all of a sudden became a joke. The truth is we were a joke and I was stupid. You showed me from the beginning who you were and I didn't believe you. I didn't want to believe you. You did a wonderful job of pulling the wool over my eyes and convincing me that you wanted everything I did.
It is all so painful because I would have done anything for you. I did do everything for you! Who I was at the end of this relationship hardly resembles the woman I was when we met, physically, emotionally and morally. What used to a be a strong, independent woman with good boundaries and morals, turned into a submissive, moral lacking woman with very poor boundaries. Not to mention the 40 lbs of weight I put on due to medicating myself with food every night before you came over. I felt like an emotional wreck.
Every time we split up it was because I knew you were lying about something. You have only admitted to 3 lies during this entire relationship and only those because I put proof in front of your face. I took you back every time and convinced myself that you were telling the truth. That all came with a price. That price was my self esteem. Every time, I disliked myself a bit less. My gut has always known the truth, whether I have proof or not. I will never understand why you pursued me and put the effort you did into a relationship where you chose to freely lie and cheat. Always telling me how important the relationship meant to you, but your actions never reflected your words. Those words....those wonderful words...got me every time.
I do think you really enjoyed "duping" the psychiatrist. It made you feel powerful and successful. You did tell me that you have been "a hustler" since your teens. Of course, this was only a week before we split. You hustled me good, so give your self a round of applause. You did it. You fooled me for two years. You fooled me enough that I fell head over heals in love with you and longed for you, unlike anyone I've ever been with my entire life. When things were going well (you didn't lie or cheat for a week, for example), I felt on top of the world. But just as we would start to recover from a previous blow, there would be another. Another day that you mysteriously didn't text, call, or respond to me. The items I found in your car that indicated you were seeing another woman. The 7-8 trips "alone" out of the country during the two years we were together. The time you disappeared when my mom came to town. The Skype lies. The butt dialed phone call. Threatening to kill my best friend's husband. Deleting your texts and emails daily out of "habit." Holding me hostage in your home Halloween weekend and physically restraining me so I couldn't leave. The constant disrespect and being 30-60 min late for every date (no ones time is important but your own). The car broke down. You phone doesn't work at any of your friends homes. The whole made up Herpes story, when the truth was, YOU were the one with Herpes and lied to me for two years. The list is completely endless. Telling me about all the girls that want you and how you could get sex anytime if you wanted. The pain, the hurt, the neglect and abuse. My boundaries were pushed further and further. I wanted to believe in you. You exploited all of my weaknesses against me. You studied me well. You knew each button to push and when to push it. My anger button, my jealousy button, my insecurity button, my happy button, my loving button, etc.
Who are you really? You are a low life, lying, cheating, untrustworthy, misogynistic, racist, control freak, drug dealer. And I still loved you. How could you possibly be expected to have any respect for anyone who loves you? It's impossible. Because whoever loves someone like that is crazy. Yes, you called me crazy many, many times and you were right. Crazy to have cared even one ounce for you.
When we split up for the last time, I really thought to myself that we were just living in "two different worlds." That the way you were raised was to lie and cheat on your partner. It didn't occur to me that you were a true sociopath until you tried to break up my friends marriage a month later when I refused to reconcile. Every other time after we split up, you were always nice, showering me with kindness and well wishes. This time was different and you knew it. I wasn't coming back, so you had to make me pay. You could no longer hurt me directly with your words, so you started going after my friends and my reputation. I knew early on that you were ASPD and told you that...you agreed. In fact, the first day we discussed that, we were in the car, and you rolled down the window to yell at a cop on the street....just proving my point. It was funny at the time, but not so funny now.
The way you continue to see many of my friends around town and tell them how much you love and miss me, while at the same time, posting profiles of me on sex websites and trying to destroy my best friend's marriage. I wonder how you can live with yourself, but then I realize you have absolutely no conscience. No set of moral standards. No true self. When I realized that, it all became clear.
Remember when you were on one of your MANY trips to Central America, supposedly alone, and I wrote you a letter about all your different "personas?" You didn't know what I was talking about. I never knew which "you" was going to walk in the door. The sweet loving one, the angry one, the sadistic one, the party one, the professional one, the cruel joking one. You had so many different personalities and I knew this around the 10 month mark. But I stayed. Again, you convinced me that I was the one with a problem, not you. You played the game well. Sadly, I found myself starting to play the game back. When you were at work and I had the day off, I purposely didn't respond to your texts and emails, just so you could wonder like I did. I took vacations and didn't include you, and would be "unavailable," just to pay you back. Never in my life have I ever done these things to anyone I cared for. My life became all about "games." You told me the every girl you ever dated was Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm pretty sure they were all very normal girls until they had to deal with you. You invoke drama everywhere you go.
Are there things I will miss about you? Yes, but all of those things were never really there anyway. It was a mirage. It's time for me to work toward "something real." There are many "real men" left in this world that treat their woman likes the queens they are. I am a queen and will never again be treated with anything less than respect and love.
Goodbye Matt. I really do hope you find your happiness someday, no matter what that might be. Pretty sure you will never find it, but none the less, pray you do. I hope you give up the drug trade before you lose your nursing license. I hope you can repair the relationship with your father. No longer will I hold onto anger. After all, it takes two to tango and sure did my half of the dance. Moving on to the waltz this time around.