You had me fooled with your cunning ways and your wicked grin; you did all you could to lure me in. You studied me and became who you thought I wanted you to be; you listened carefully to my wants and my needs, then became my perfect match, the man of my dreams- my ideal man, fulfilled my everything.
You played the part, you pursued, you fought, to win my love, to win my heart. But still I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t totally convinced, there was something not right, I couldn’t put my finger on it.
I asked you so many questions to try and get a feel for you, you said all the right things but deep down inside I knew. You were just a mirage, you weren’t really real, no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t make you feel. You could never answer a straight question, instead you asked one back, you always tried to throw me off track.
Yet still, I found myself head over heels in love with you, I didn’t see it coming and I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t make sense of what was happening to me, I felt hypnotized by you and didn’t know how to leave. The red flags were waving with a loud shout, but somehow I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. So many inconsistencies in the things you said and did, when I would question you on them you said it was in my head. Then you would love and adore me in order to make me forget.
You told me I was beautiful and the most special person in the world, you said you loved me and I would always be your girl. I would fall into the trap all over again and the cycle would start again and again. No one around us ever knew anything was wrong, we looked like the perfect couple, we looked like we were strong. I wanted to believe that we were and that we just had a few kinks, not realizing that inside I was starting to shrink.
All those times that I caught you in a lie, you would twist around the story and desperately deny. You said you felt sorry for me and that I shouldn’t do that to myself, when I knew I saw the evidence but it didn’t seem to help.
I started to believe your lies that there was something wrong with me, maybe I was overreacting or losing my sanity. You wanted me to believe your truth and deny my very own; you wanted me to adapt to your thinking so you could have control. Then you would cater to me and tell me not to stress, you would romance me all over again and act your very best. So caring, so thoughtful, so loving, and so sweet, you poured on all the charm to make sure I wouldn’t leave.
I tried and tried to get off the ride but I kept on giving in, this rollercoaster called my life just seemed to never end. When the disrespect and disregard would show its ugly face, I stood up for myself and told you this I wouldn’t take. You would punish me with your silence until I could take no more, then tell me I brought this on myself and make me feel torn. Torn about defending myself and wanting the madness to end, so often times I would apologize just to make amends.
You were so crafty in turning things around on me, for your actions and bad behavior, you never took responsibility. I couldn’t understand how you would do this time and time again, somehow you made me believe that you were my true friend.
I tried to leave so many times but found myself going back, you could explain your way out of anything and throw my mind off track. I struggled to make changes to accommodate your needs, but I was also trying to make sure I maintain my own integrity. You said all I had to do was ask a question the right way, or speak only when I’m spoken then everything would be ok.
The kind, compassionate, considerate man I thought I knew was no longer, I did not know where he went, instead this insensitive, cold, heartless shell of a person moved his way in. The mask I had seen slip before was now completely gone, you realized you finally had me in the palm of your hand, you thought you had won.
My rights, my will, my voice, my mind you thought belonged to you, my feelings didn’t matter anymore, I had surrendered them too. The fight in me was getting weak, with your tactics and strategies I could no longer compete. You were wearing me down I didn’t know what to think.
My mind was so confused which is what you wanted- for me to be completely dependent on you. Feelings of failure, inadequacy, and doubt tortured my soul, but still I didn’t know how to let go. I was no longer being my true self; a once confident, independent woman was now sitting on the shelf. I wanted her back again but felt powerless and insecure, not realizing the whole time you had something I couldn’t cure.
The whole time you were planting seeds-brainwashing me, belittling me, controlling me, chipping away at my self-esteem. You wanted me to get all my validation from you, build me up to tear me down was what you came to do. I felt like I was in the battle of my life, I was so very weary but I knew this wasn’t right. I cried so many tears but you couldn’t see, how your actions and behavior were depleting me.
I couldn’t get through, it was like a wall over your heart, you even laughed in my face and tore me apart. It was cruel and unusual and I couldn’t believe, this was the man I trusted and shared all my hopes and dreams. I prayed for the strength I could not find in myself and God gave me the courage to reach out to the woman on the shelf. I took the dignity I had left and started reclaiming myself.
I have been taking it one day at a time, some days I’m weak some days I’m fine. I know that I will be a much better woman after this; I have learned to trust my inner truth and let no one twist. So goodbye Fantasy, your role in my life has come to an end, I am clearing out the way to let pure, true, authentic, genuine, REAL love in.