I have not posted in a while, though have been reading. I have been close to a breakdown and feel this is the final straw today. I don't want to go on like this, and have to get something out.
I started a relationship with someone I met online who turned out to full of contempt for me, mocked my kindness, nitpicked, played mind games (and accused me of playing them), he raged over nothing and I tried and tried to go NC. I caved in, though and an ashamed of myself for remaining friends with him, because I had not learned from all I read on here, so I was ashamed to post. He still treats me badly - although he does not want sex, he never mentions it now, but he has to control every damn thing.
Today is a very painful anniversary for me (death of a parent) and he said he would call me at a particular time. He didn't, and when I called him, his phone was off. I know I need to get a grip, because this is going nowhere, and I should not have rung him ... but I feel like going to bed, turning off the lights and never waking up. Over what? What is wrong with me that I can't just forget about him? I have tried so hard, but am so low I can't bear to even look at myself. Why do I even care? But he has never not called when he says, and I think he does it to unnerve me. Is this typical behaviour?
Sorry for the rambling, I just can't go on like this