Going Over The Edge

I have not posted in a while, though have been reading. I have been close to a breakdown and feel this is the final straw today. I don't want to go on like this, and have to get something out.

I started a relationship with someone I met online who turned out to full of contempt for me, mocked my kindness, nitpicked, played mind games (and accused me of playing them), he raged over nothing and I tried and tried to go NC. I caved in, though and an ashamed of myself for remaining friends with him, because I had not learned from all I read on here, so I was ashamed to post. He still treats me badly - although he does not want sex, he never mentions it now, but he has to control every damn thing.

Today is a very painful anniversary for me (death of a parent) and he said he would call me at a particular time. He didn't, and when I called him, his phone was off. I know I need to get a grip, because this is going nowhere, and I should not have rung him ... but I feel like going to bed, turning off the lights and never waking up. Over what? What is wrong with me that I can't just forget about him? I have tried so hard, but am so low I can't bear to even look at myself. Why do I even care? But he has never not called when he says, and I think he does it to unnerve me. Is this typical behaviour?

Sorry for the rambling, I just can't go on like this

helldweller's picture

The very first red flag involved this. We hadn't started seeing each other yet, but were just exchanging a few words each morning at the coffee place where we met. He said, "What are you up to today?" and I said, "My mom had surgery and is in the nursing home for a few weeks, so I'm pretty much there all the time these days." I very distinctly remember his eyes glazing over when I mentioned this, and then he said something totally unrelated, like "That's a pretty dress" without even acknowledging my mom. Very, very strange, especially since he was obviously attracted to me and trying to appear interested in my life--but he couldn't even pretend to care about my mom. Couldn't even pretend. There were actually two separated incidents when I myself was in the hospital and he did not even talk to me. The first time I was getting a mammogram and he called. I texted him back and said, "Can't answer. I'm at the hospital." You would think a man would show concern and ask what happened or what was wrong or why I was there, but no. He texted, "Call me when you're home." The second time the ambulance took me away after my blood pressure doubled when he moved in his babysitter. He just watched us drive away. Not a word. The next day he texted, "Sorry."
almostlydia's picture

'When someone shows you who they are, believe them.' He is a first class asshole. Yes, you should have told him to FO....I wish I could pull up that quote about us being narc magnets because they know we have been there so it is like a moth to a flame for them. They can not resist the challenge. This one is a total loser, walk away, please. 'How hard it is to be me', REALLY, I don't doubt that at all. It is quite difficult keeping up all those fronts and lies everyday. RUN, girl, RUN. almostlydia

almostlydia

Alibi_10's picture

It is a new day here, and I am grateful for the advice posted on here after one of the worst nights ever. I was thinking - did he deliberately not acknowledge the anniversary of my Dad's death because he has always said I was lucky to have grown up in a loving family? His own Dad left home when N was very young and his Mum had a breakdown, so N was brought up by relatives. He hates his own mother, brother and most of his family and mocked the fact that I tell my Mum I love her. I know it doesn't really matter, but to help me make sense of it - would that be how a N would react? He would know that I would be upset. The truth is, during this hoover episode I began to feel sorry for him (yuk). But I continued to notice things, and ignore them. Can anyone identify with these: He said he couldn't have a relationship with me because I hadn't shown him anything to love, but I meant a lot as a friend He often contradicted himself within the same sentence He said "Even if you were the love of my life, which you aren't, I would still need lots of space. You don't realise how hard it is to be me!" The last time we spoke (only last week), when he told me he would call yesterday because he knew it was a hard day - he was high as a kite, saying he had plans to become a lifecoach because he needed to give other people the benefit of how their lives should be! And he said he could help me! Is that crazy or what? But the previous time, he was very low and said he wished he was dead. On the phone, he would talk non-stop about his day, then ask me about mine and when I told him, sound really bored. One time,he said he had to get something, walked away from the phone and I could hear him doing a loud yawn and saying "Boring, boring, boring". At the time I chuckled and didn't tell him I heard - but should I have reacted to this? Sorry for all the questions, but I have to try and be strong as the temptation to try and call him just now is overwhelming, so posting here instead. I feel safe here.
gettinbetter's picture

The Narc was always lecturing me on how relationships should be. Ummm excuse me its me that has been married 14 years. You are 44 and still unmarried with one failed relationship after another. hmmm... Your post about watching him in a petri dish and observing that you think hes scared resonated with me. I have often thought mine had little moments when he was a "normal" they were very short but what I would always get out of it was that he hated the things he had done. That he was scared of me and he also said multiple times I was "risky" for him. Sometimes I would feel like he was right there right on the edge of being normal and then he would run for the narc hills. Oh yeah and mine always said one of the reasons he loved me was the way I was raised that I came from a good family. Thats not a typical reason someone would give as to why they love you. Shows you that there is no emotion in them. I mean because of the way I was raised? FREAKS!
Briseis's picture

Alibi, you are very clear in what you see in him. Trust yourself. You already know. It's "easy" to go on questioning yourself. It becomes a habit around these idiots. They work hard on us to get us questioning ourselves. The thing is, you already KNOW. You don't need any more information to know exactly what is going on. Give yourself permission to know what you know. We here believe you 100%. As far as "reacting" to him when he insulted you? I don't think it would have done any good to "tell" him you heard and were hurt. Tell YOURSELF that you heard what you heard, and it hurt, and that your conclusion that he is a disgusting and cruel excuse for a man is RIGHT ON THE MONEY.
MsVulcan500's picture

I don't know whether his not calling you was deliberate or not. But the point is, he said he would, and he didn't. At the very least, he forgot because you don't really matter to him. They always want the best of everything. If you hated your mom, he could hate his more. And if he loved his mom, it would be more than you could ever imagine loving your mom. But since he hates his mom, and you love yours, he's jealous that you both have real genuine love for each other. We all ignored red flags, either during the honeymoon or hoover periods. That is why we are all here. Otherwise we would have dumped his ass and moved on. When they slip up and you call them on it, they will just load on another scoop of BS. They are so good at this, that we think we just misunderstood. And don't you know? You're supposed to listen to him drone on about his day, but when he asks about yours, you're just supposed to say "it was fine." He doesn't want to hear about your day or your life unless it pertains to him. Don't contact him. It is so not worth it. It will just make you feel worse.
Disillusionedx2's picture

I could not have said it better myself, along with a few other "vets" here your insight is awesome. The N does not care to hear about your or your day, it's all about him, he asked because that's what he "learned" to do but they don't really want an extensive answer. This N "learned" from me to ask someone how they are doing? or how was your day? it was foreign to him, he began doing it because I taught him to. I had a crisis once and was speakin to N before I caught on he was an N, I'm going on with my story when I notice he wasn't responding, I couldn't even hear him breathing, he had placed the phone down and went on to do something else, I called out his name, he eventually returns and says I told you to "hold on" but he did not, he didn't ask me to go ahead and tell him what I was talking about either, unreal, what a waste of flip'N time, RUN as fast as you can in the opposite direction, best wishes. stay~striving

stay~strong

Susan32's picture

The ex-Psych professor was the SAME WAY. "Contradiction in the same sentence"-Ditto. Didn't help he was a philosophy major and I was calling him out on it. After the D&D, he ventured big time into word salad territory and basically showed him how nuts he was. "He would talk non-stop about his day, and when I told him, sound really bored"-Ditto. The ex-P loooved talking about himself. When I talked about myself, he sounded bored. He'd even tell his circle of male disciples how boring I was. Sheesh, lack of drama? If I talked to him in person, he'd visibly "zone out" when I was talking.
Alibi_10's picture

Am so confused, and crying so much I don't even know if I have posted this already. I miss my Dad, he would be appalled that I have been reduced to this. He would want me to have more pride. Where did it go? I wish I had not rung HIM but he is probably sitting there looking at (sorry) five missed calls, laughing and knowing it is killing me. I am so hurt and angry. I want to go NC ... but what do I do with the stuff he has in my house? One item is very expensive and too big to post and I couldn't ask any of my friends and family to deal with this, because I think they all want to punch his lights out. Has anyone else had this situation? How can anyone be so cruel? He even said last time we spoke (earlier in the week) that he was aware it would be a difficult weekend. He has never lost anyone in his life and he says he hates his own family and wouldn't care if they were dead, in fact would pull the trigger on his own mother! He doesn't understand grief ... or the effects it can still have
Used's picture

alibi, he didnt phone you for one reason and this is it...HE DIDNT WANT TO HEAR YOUR GREIF....only he is allowed to have ISSUES, and him turning his phone off, was delibrate to hurt you...and if you talk to him, and say you hurt me not phoning and turning your phone off, he will say [OR THINK}, but honey it took your mind of your dad for a while.....this is true....b/c my narc done to me this very same thing and when i called him on it...that is what he said to me....he will actually turn it in to a favor he done you....trust me...
Alibi_10's picture

I never thought of this as a reason, but now you mention it, he has been uncomfortable in the past when I have got emotional about my Dad, but he turned it into all about him (!) by saying that at least I HAD a Dad, his abandoned him when he was young. He has still not contacted me, and I am very unnerved by it. Like Pavlov's dog, I am twisting about it, and he will KNOW this. The only thing is I am so ANGRY with him! And he will probably never know - meanwhile I have his stuff in the house (well, in the garage now) - and will be on tenterhooks wondering if he will ever call to ask for it back, and how will I respond? This really sucks, my stomach is churning !
rainbow1's picture

I went through the same sort of thing a few months ago. We lived together and when he moved out he didnt take most of his stuff. I didnt know what to do so I gave him a time limit to come get it and told him that I would change the locks if he didnt get it in that time period. And guess what he did? He never came and broke in the day AFTER the time limit and took some of his stuff and some of mine. He now uses it as excuses to see me. It has been 6 months and he still has some of my stuff. I know that it is a hard situation. Proceed with caution!

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

Briseis's picture

It seems so simple . . . just tell him his stuff is in the garage :D But I know better. Telling him this is also telling him "FUCK OFF LOSER!!" which will launch a cascade of Hell. Do you have a few extra bucks laying around? Rent a cheap storage for one month. Send him a letter notifying him where his stuff is, and include the key in the letter. Block him from your phone, text and call, and then block his email. Change the locks on your doors if he has a house key. Then you don't have to say a WORD. I never confronted my exN when I decided to end it. I just ended it and never spoke to him again. Throughout the divorce, even. There was no need. I was done taking care of his fucking feelings. After how he treated me, I owed him NOTHING. I'd say the same to you. For a longish while after I got rid of him, I DID feel the urge to explain myself. Just like everyone else. But I did not give myself permission. Besides, I had all these lovely ladies on a support forum like this one saying DON'T DO IT, don't give him the pleasure of getting in another shot at you, hoovering you. Your life is YOURS. It is not dedicated to him. Look what he's already done with you :( .
Alibi_10's picture

.. Briseis! I do draw tremendous strength from this board, I must do - or I would have picked that phone up by now to try and give him a piece of my mind,but you are right. I have seen all hell break loose when he thought I was laughing at him (which I wasn't)! I think I understand about cognitive dissonance, and maybe this is what I am going through. What I can't understand is - the strength you showed through your divorce - I have also shown in the past. My ex husband (not N) left me 6 weeks after I had major surgery and only three weeks after my Dad died, he was having an affair and I chucked him out (not literally because I still had stitches!), but he robbed me and my family of the time to grieve which is why this time of year is so painful (and now not helped by the N this weekend). Why can't I show this strength now? He has got right under my skin. I will try though ... xx
Briseis's picture

Your strength is in there. What's different is that this Narc HAS gotten under your skin. This is what Narcs do. They shatter our self confidence in the most subtle ways. Even to trust yourself to come to the simplest conclusion. This is Narc damage you are experiencing. However, you are completely intact beneath it. In fact, because of this, you will be stronger than you EVER dreamed possible. If you were that strong before, I would hate to be HIM (the Narc) when you decide to flush the toilet. Or flip on the garbage disposal, whatever metaphor fits your fancy :D He damaged you but he did not DAMAGE you. Narc damage never reaches so far in that you are permanently damaged. You CAN show this strength right now. By taking action. Did I feel "strong" in how I described my behavior above? HELL NO!! I didn't feel strong or courageous! I felt like shit! I was terrified, every moment. And very angry. What I DID was "strong". And you know what? I followed the advice of others who'd extricated themselves. I didn't try and do it "my own way", I bit the bullet and did it the way they told me. I took their words on faith . . . I mean, THEY sounded so strong, and I wanted that back, dammit. They must know what they are talking about? So it was "borrowed" strength, on my part. Borrowed from ladies who walked before me. And, it enabled me to reclaim my own real strength along the way. You can literally wash this man right outta your hair, it is that simple. What's not simple is that you believe you deserve to be treated this way, you've done something to deserve it, and that itself is Narc brainwashing and therefore not true.
gettinbetter's picture

Hard for me to read this as often think of my Dad looking down and seeing what a mess I have made. He knew the Narc well round one in fact when I reconnected with the narc one of the first things we talked about was the death of my Dad. All I can think is how disappointed he must be to have seen what has gone on this past year. It kills me. I loved my Dad so much when he died it nearly killed me. My health suffered. I suffered. I felt like part of me died with him. He was so sick and all he could say is Im so worried about sick of it. She just cant handle it. I worry whats gonna happen to her when I go. Im so sorry Alibi. I truly know how you feel.
Alibi_10's picture

Thanks to all for comments and advice - I do feel a bit better today, though have had several wobbly moments where I thought I wanted to text him or ring him just to ask why he has done this ... but as someone said, I already know the answers. i just want so much to get him out of my system. I know, sickofit, the pain of losing someone like your Dad and the memories this time of year brings is horrendous. My ex-husband left me three weeks after my Dad died, and I never had a chance to grieve, so every year is hard as the last. The N knew this, and said what a bastard my ex was for doing that - and he would never treat me so disrespectfully. My Dad always used to say that actions speak louder than words, and I have thought all day how true that is. His (the N's) words are meaningless - his actions are screaming that he doesn't care about me. I accept that. I just wish I knew why. Why is he like this? What satisfaction can anyone gain from being so cruel? And to mock me for 'not being robust enough to cope with him'. I feel I have to know this before I move on. I just hope I don't weaken and try to seek answers from him, it's a worry. x
Briseis's picture

So you're saying you'll wait to get rid of him until after you understand why he is so cruel and nasty to you? We're telling you why, right here today. Your understanding of this will not make a bit of difference in him, how he treats you, or how terribly you hurt. I wonder if you think that "understanding" him means you can stop him from being cruel and abusive? You'll be able to do or say the "right thing" to cause him to suddenly grow a conscience and a new personality? Or do you think he just might not be a Narc, and the real problem is that YOU are just not doing something right?? Not even psychiatrists understand, honey. They can barely study these idiots unless they are in prison. These kind of people PLAY with psychiatrists. They are probably just evil. And we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it. His pathology is not somehow YOURS to fix or figure out. If you wonder because you fear YOU are doing something wrong to cause it, then you need to spend some serious time reading about NPD and psychopathic people. You need more understanding of them, so you can see how they are gravely disturbed. It is not YOU, and never was. You are a victim, pure and simple. And that is a horrible place to be.
Alibi_10's picture

Yes, you are right - despite a whole litany of bad behaviour, there is still a tiny bit of me thinking that I have made him behave badly (probably because he says he feels guilty a lot of the time, and if he feels guilty then he is feeling SOMETHING!) - and does a narc feel guilty? You are also right that I need to read up more about what has happened. Someone who says he would pull a trigger on his own mother is not normal, however much he blames her for his dysfunctional childhood (and he does). Thanks for your support ... x
Briseis's picture

I seriously doubt he feels "guilty". This is a great example of how their words do NOT match their behavior. Look at how he treats you. Where's the guilt? Where's the remorse? Please please please do some reading on pathological Narcissism. It's so obvious to me that his "guilt" is just manipulation. If he felt true guilt he wouldn't deliberately hurt you the way he does. Narcs say "beautiful things", and behave in atrocious ways. The way he is behaving right now, last week and last month. His behavior hasn't changed, has it? It still keeps on being abusive and cruel. This Narc knows what you want to hear and he is PLAYING you. He likes to have you on hand because abusing you makes him feel powerful. Seeing you reduced to tears and frantically texting him gives him pleasure. He is a sick bastard. But then he says "I feel guilty" and all that abuse and cruelty just go away?? No they don't.
Briseis's picture

Your Dad is celebrating now :) One corrected "mistake" is worth more than a hundred uncorrected ones :) This is where one drop of good makes a whole bucket of "bad" better.
Briseis's picture

You can go NC with him THE MOMENT you give yourself permission to do so. His stuff in your house does not "control" you, and cause you to contact him and maintain contact with him. It's not his stuff. It's something else inside you. Something we all relate with here :( How can anyone be so cruel? It doesn't matter HOW, honey. It only matters that he IS cruel, and that it has nothing to do with you, he is a disturbed and pathological man. It's time for all of us to wake up to the fact that there are seriouly pathological people out there, who seek to exploit and control, and enjoy watching the pain their efforts cause. You got into the clutches of one of them, Alibi. You fell into this sick and damaging relationship because you were not well healed after the previous Narc. A new relationship is never the answer, though it sure feels like it at the time :( Reading and participating here have helped you, though. They have helped you wake up sooner :) to what is happening. You must stop hoping and expecting him to take care of you. Stop hoping and expecting him to understand you, to empathize with you. By doing this you open yourself up to abuse from him. You hurt yourself in this way. He will ALWAYS hurt you, because he is a Narc and a pathological creep. In the very least, YOU can stop participating in hurting yourself. You are trying to get love and approval from a bad person. That is your responsibility in this. It's not your fault, because they are evil and crafty and condition us to do just what you are doing. But you can REALIZE what is happening. You can see it and stop it. Having his stuff in your place is bunk. You have the human right to not speak to or respond to ANYONE you don't want to. Let the people who love and support you surround you, and dump this fucking useless ball and chain excuse for a man. It will hurt a little more at first, it always does, but then it gets better as all the brainwashing clears, that sick feeling in your gut and behind your eyes goes away :) You can do it!! ((((Alibi))))
Anne_'s picture

Alibi, as far as the stuff concerns. Just let it be for a while. It is an object, it less important than your health right now. Put it out of sight, so it doesn't remind you of him. Even if it is a heavy piece of furniture, put it in the garage, attic... If he wants it back, you can say that you will put it outside at a certain day at a fixed hour, than he can come to collect it. It's not worth dealing with it, you have more important issue right now. Of course he doesn't understand grief, he is already dead on the inside. When my xN grandfather died, his family asked him to play the bagpipes at his funeral. The only time he cried, was when he was worrying about not able to play. These guys just cannot understand you and your grief. These concepts, like family, like love are just unfamiliar to them. They live in a world where that doesn't exist. I now it's hard, but you will have to cut him out of your life. Start realizing that what you are feeling right now is perfectly normal. It's normal to grieve when someone close to you passed away. it is normal to expect that people at least are going to answer your calls. But waiting for him to react normal is just the same as waiting at the foot of a mountain till when it will move. I'm so sorry that you are going through a rough patch right now. I hope you'll find some consolation in what people are writing on this board. I hope you have some good friends and relatives that you can rely on right now. Please do take care of yourself. (((alibi))))
jaycee's picture

ive felt this way many times, but today you must be especially emotional, the death of parent, i cannot fathom, i am so sorry for your loss. hes a pos for not calling, they love to instill extra pain when we are down, its like kicking us while were on the floor. i pray you feel better and know everyone here will help you get through the days, weeks, months, years if necessary.......hugs to you.......xoxo Jaycee

Jaycee

faithinthefuture's picture

damn him and the hurt he is causing you. I'm so sorry. For the feelings he has caused you but even more for the loss of your parent. And there's nothing wrong with you sweetie. We've all been there. We have put everyone else in our life on the back burner to please the N. But now we know there is no pleasing them. Let him go. You don't deserve that kind of treatment!WHO THE HELL IS HE TO TREAT YOU THAT WAY! You let him know it's not going to fly anymore! F HIM! I'm glad to see you back...well not but you know what I mean...you came back to where we know you can be safe. and sane.
Scoop's picture

oh sweetie ... Why do you feel you cant go NC with this guy , have you tried it yet and if you have what happens when you do ?What do you feel when you block him ? Big love xx
gettinbetter's picture

Oh gosh. I went thru the same thing on the anniversay of the death of my father although he did call he only spoke to me for a few minutes yet said Im here if you need me. Yeah right! He did the same thing about saying he was gonna call at certain time and then didnt when I would call him the phone would be off. Thank you for posting this I was having a weak moment and this just helped me remember what a freakin bastard he is.