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Going crazy..!

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#1 Apr 30 - 4AM
C_Cape
C_Cape's picture

Going crazy..!

I'm so sorry but I'm really struggling. I left my job because of my N, who I had been involved with for 18 months and was married. I separated from my husband during that time. I thought leaving would help me, and it has, because I don't have to see him every day, and I wouldn't have to experience the daily hell of wondering how he was going to treat me. Since I left, we have been in contact, but he continues to treat me like dirt. About a month ago I asked him if we had any future together, and he pretended not to understand what I meant. He then got nasty and text me 'I guess the answer is in the way you decided to pose the question, shame'. I don't even know what that means. Just 2 weeks prior he was professing I was the love of his life. He has just gone completely cold and heartless as usual. I emailed him saying I really wanted to understand his anger, his indifference, I loved him, basically laying my heart out there in a nice, caring way. No reply. He just deleted me. No explanation, nothing. 18 months, and delete.

I then got an email 3 weeks later saying he didn't want to play the blame game and it was too painful. He couldn't do these fights constantly (as if they were my fault!) but he didn't want me out of life. I replied back. No reply.

I then got a text with just 'X'. Then something about how he is scared of us, and he has never known such crippling pain.

I feel so confused and hurt. I don't understand how this person I loved so much can just do this to me? It eats me up, I can't sleep, I feel sick in my stomach the whole time. I think of all the wonderful memories, and then think of all the times he has been so cruel, cold and brutal. I don't understand how he rejects me over and over, and I keep going back for more. Thing is, I know that amazing person is in there, because I have seen it. He doesn't ever contact me, so it's not like I can tell him to go away. He has just switched off and it's like I was absolutely nothing. It is too much for me to bear. What is wrong with me? Why doesn't he want me? He said he loved me? How can he be like this? I can't see what I did wrong. I have always been honest and loving. Is he ever going to leave my head? I feel like it's a disease i will have to live with forever and it is driving me insane. I feel stupid and degraded and hate myself for wanting him back. This rejection is killing me, but I need my self respect back.

Will this ever get better??! I can't even remember life before this dominated my every waking moment. I feel like an addict stuck in hell. I know I am worth more than this, but where did that guy go?!

I'm sorry, I just needed to get this out there because I am in so much conflict:-(

Apr 30 - 11PM
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

I understand

Mine treated me exactly the same way. It is so confusing - the close relationship and then nothing and cold. It is awful. It does consume every waking moment. Because nothing they say makes sense, so you spend so much time trying to understand what he meant, what he really said. The only way to get over it is truly NC because once they are cold to you and have discarded you - there is no going back. And trying to understand it or fix it is a futal effort. So try to go NC, put it out of your mind as much as possible, and try to find a new interest. But I do completely understand, it is like you are obsessed and can't think about anything else 24 hours/day.... hang in there.
Apr 30 - 2PM
C_Cape
C_Cape's picture

Thank you

Thanks so much for your comments. It really helps so much. I am just so emotionally exhausted and just want my life back. I guess it's just rejection at it's most brutal, and that is what I am having a hard time with. I long for the day I can put this all behind me, but your posts realy are a life saver in the meantime, THANK YOU!
Apr 30 - 8AM
gullablegull (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

So Sorry C Cape

Your story is much like all on the forum. Some the other women, some of us the wives, but in the end we're all the same, devalued and discarded. They can't love, but they're masters at being too good to be true, for they're not true! Nothin about them is real, and that is a very hard thing to wrap your mind around, when your heart wants to feel otherwise, but you must for your own recovery.When you take the time and read the other members stories, and search the forum topics, then you certainly see IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! There is nothing wrong with you. You did nothing wrong. As a matter of fact, you are probably a really caring loveable person, which is their favorite type of prey. It's and education here that is not pleasant, but it is however real. Stay on this forum and know you are not alone. Good luck and NC
Apr 30 - 5AM
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

No Contactct C_Cape

No Contact is now hard because he iniated ...But please try to keep it and don't do like i did trying to find answers,he will only make you more confused and hurt you more....Trust me i have been there...My ex N lives in the USA and me in Europe...i even went back there to clarify things with him,to really talk and try to finish things in a better note....i travelled 10.000 miles for the second time in a year...he did let me in.gave me a cup of cofee,chit chat a bit was being really nice to me,but i saw thinghs at his apartment that i really didn,t like it...when i asked about his life in a friendly manner(he did ask about mine too and i gave him the answers he needed)he said ,now is time for you to leave,go back to your hotel and i never want to see you or hear from you again...He almost crashed the car against a tree....Next day ,he calls mme at thhe Hotel to thank me for the nice chocolates i gave him the day before....I came back to Holland,he never called me gain....is a year ago now...please keep No Contact is for you not for him...doesn't matter who iniated

Aceonelady

Apr 30 - 5AM
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

Hi there C_Cape

what you feel and is going on with you,is also my story and my feelings...you are describing exact how i feel ,now for 16 months...since he dumped me and just disapeared from my life...But to be honest i am not getting any better,the crying has lessened but the rollercoaster of emotions is still there...He started NC and now i am keeping it better,but i still can't understand how someone can be like that....no emotions,no love ,all that waisted love and time...One thing i do understand now...to not try to make sense out of what happenned because those guys are not normal,they are disordered...We feel ,we think and we expect them to do that too,but they don't feel anything...only rage and fear that's why they don't care because they really don't believe or understand our feelings...love is for them a sign of weakness...they really don't love themselves,how can they understand our love for them? my ex Narcissist told me so...I am learning to live with this knowledge and try to give it a place,but i can't forget him or forgive him...i just want o put this to rest in aplace and go on with my life knowing that this will always be a part of it too....Hughs...

Aceonelady

Apr 30 - 10AM (Reply to #3)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

"Your feelings for me are a diversion"

You have it nailed with "they really don't believe or understand our feelings." My ex-N said that MY feelings for him were a diversion,and a result of stress. He said that I was the one who was treating him casually. In a postcard, I bluntly told him he wasn't worth my tears, and perhaps not worth my time (it lasted for 3 years) "Love is for them a sign of weakness"-My ex-N thought the people who considered him a monster or robot were the ones who respected him. He didn't mind that people considered him an inhuman bully. When I treated him in a generous, caring, forgiving way... he was truly shocked. He wanted me to be full of rage and hatred. But I didn't follow his script.
Apr 30 - 4PM (Reply to #4)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

feelings

they are not HUMAN they can not FEEL feelings for them is something they have never experienced and never will ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
Apr 30 - 8AM (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

C_Cape

What is wrong with me? Why doesn't he want me? He said he loved me? How can he be like this? I can't see what I did wrong. I have always been honest and loving. Is he ever going to leave my head? - PLEASE go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT. - YOU must go NO CONTACT on him immediately - there is a great post in the My Blog section on WHAT NO CONTACT MEANS - read it and follow it. Change phone & cell numbers if you have to. NO CONTACT!!! - PLEASE read the stories of others. This alone is one of the most validating things you can do. Far too many become completely wrapped up in their own drama... which just makes it all worse. You did not choose him! YOU, as all of us, WERE A TARGET!! YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!! It's him that's the problem. - PLEASE read through our whole blog: http://allabouthim.com - chock full of articles about Ns and healing please read the Rules prior to posting on each board, as well - listen to our free radio show - archived at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim - Please remember this board is NEVER to be used as a replacement for therapy. Please find a therapist and start going as SOON as possible for whatever level of PTSD he's left you with. 18 months for starting to deprogram plus one continuous year of therapy is a must! - Get counseling for trauma ASAP and get low dose antidepressants for the short term, if you're open to that ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller