Giving him ammunition

I am doing it all wrong and I know it, but I haven't been able to stop myself. I spent Mpthers Day weekend packing up my children's bedrooms so we can leave, while he sat on the couch and goaded me. My daughter was in tears, my nerves are shot, and I walked into metal rod and hurt my leg. I was in tears and he smugly walked through the room. I got up and stood outside the door of the room he was in and told him I wasn't shedding tears for him, but for what the kids and I were going through. I went on a lengthy rant about my feelings, like I have done for years. I know he doesn't give a shit, gets pleasure from hurting me, and I'm feeding his ego and giving him ammunition, but I can't stop myself. He proudly announces he's been recording me for 1/2 hour. He then holds his phone up, presses record, and tells me to step aside so he can pass. I told him I wasn't in his way. I then played his game and said for his recording, "get your hands off of me, stop you're hurting me, etc." so then he switched it to video and I walked away.

That night my daughter told me that her stepsister had found porn sites in the history of her computer over a year ago when her dad was using it. That was the one piece, the porn and other women, that hadn't fit for me, as far as a lot of your stories, but there it was. He and I seldom had sex, he wasn't interested. It makes me sick.

Today is my birthday. He of course didn't acknowledge it, not that I expected he would. I'm here packing and he's meeting with his attorney playing taped recordings of his crazy wife.

He has padlocked many of our marital assets in the storage shed. He has padlocked the storage unit where all my furniture is. His name is on the contract for the unit so I can't lawfully cut it off. It sucks. I feel like he has all the control, even though I know that I am giving him a lot of it, just by playing his games, and continuing to interact with him.

10 more days until I can move. I'm terrified he will find out when I'm going and take even more of my things.

Wonderful, he and his son just walked in. I guess he's not working and my stepson isn't going to school today. Wonder what heinous thing they have planned now? Throwing more dog pop in my kids room, stealing from their packed boxes? I can't sleep, I can't keep food down, I can't control my emotions and anger. My mother messaged me and told me that he switched his facebook status to divorced yesterday. I should be happy, but I'm not. It's not true, and it feels like another slap in the face.

Now my stepdaughter just walked in. They are define up to something. She isn't in school either. I'm scared to even leave the house, but I have an appointment in a half hour.

I don't feel like I am going to survive this, I really don't.