Gifts

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#1 May 29 - 2AM
Anonymous (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Gifts

Hi Everyone,

Just a quick question about gifts that the narcissist gives you in the beginning of a relationship. I have a large plastic container "full" of gifts that he gave me during the months when he was being nice and attentive. I would really like to give these gifts back to him. He told me 6 months ago that I was not to give the gifts back "no matter what happened". What is behind him not wanting back the gifts? I am just curious.

I am doing the No Contact thing and I have good days and bad days. I know that the gift returning would be a form of "contact" to him so I am not going to. I realize now he was warning me ahead of time that something was going to "happen" and he was making it clear he doesnt want me to retaliate by giving these back.

Marcy

May 29 - 11PM
Elena
Elena's picture

Marcy

Marcy, I took the gifts he gave me to Goodwill, doing this made me feel so good! I am also going to sell or give away my wedding dress (which is preserved). I am also going to sell my wedding ring. I am getting rid of all things in the easiest way possible, to just clean it all out. The key is not having items that serve as memories. Seeing those items that trigger memories hinders emotional recovery. When I would look at things that reminded me of him, it would mess me up. So I would say to you, on top of the "No contact" rule, get rid of anything that reminds you of him, even little things, through the easiest way possible, you can just donate these things and forget about them forever. Clean it all out. These are just steps that contribute to your healing. Those items he gave you are just a reminder of him. It's hard to forget about someone, when you are constantly being reminded about them. Why he wants you to keep them? There could be many reasons. One that comes to my mind is - these guys sometimes return, whenever they run out of "narcissistic supply", when they have no one to suck anything out of, they can come back to get more from you. But remember, this is not out of love, it's out of selfishness. They like to have their "options" open, it's another selfish scheme. Whenever I was going to divorce my ex-narcissist, he asked me if I was going to send all our furniture to storage, and I said - "No, I am going to sell it", and he got upset about it. I think his thought process was, that if his relationship with the other woman didn't materialize into a marriage relationship, then he could come back, and he would be able to have everything the way we had it. And of course, I shut down that possibility, like the old Vikings - I burned the boat, so there was no chance of return! I sold everything, and left almost nothing from the marriage, except some things I really needed to live life with, such as some of my bedroom furniture, which I will eventually get rid of and buy new when I financially can. I am starting a new beginning! And you can do the same! Elena
May 31 - 5PM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

for you Elena

http://www.exboyfriendjewelry.com/
May 30 - 9AM (Reply to #4)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

Memory throw out

I recently went through our old pictures, my ring, my wedding dress, etc. I picked a few pictures for the kids, so that if they ask, they can see mommy and daddy's wedding, but the rest I threw out. It was very theraputic to no longer have the stuff around my new apartment. Haven't figured out the wedding ring...may have the stone redesigned into something else. I think I am going to donate the dress. I am saving the shawl. The dress means something to me not because of him, but because my mom bought it for me...so not sure. Threw out old letters, cards, etc. No reason to keep them. THe only thing he saved from me was a letter I wrote to him in our first year of marriage that talked about how I didn't like the way he treated me, and I needed him to treat me with more respect. He never saved one card or love letter in all our years of marriage. In terms of his wedding ring....he still carries his around in his bag. It is tied on a string to a token his GF gave him which states their true love. so glad to get rid of anything that reminds me of him. Also got rid of anything given to me by mother in law. I only saved gifts she made for the kids.
May 29 - 8AM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

re:gifts

You're doing well with the no contact thing, so best to keep it up. I consider any attempt by him to contact me, or thoughts of contacting him for any reason, an interruption to my healing and a setback. Some days it takes all the strength I have, but it's the only way to keep a clear head and move forward. Give the gifts to charity, or if it would make you feel better, destroy them...as in break, crush, burn... My guess about him saying not to return the gifts 'no matter what', well, I can only speak from my experience - my ex-narc was a drama queen and a big time martyr. He made similar statements. Also, he may not want you sending him anything if there's someone else involved now-? But really, trying to figure them out is a waste of time. They don't think and act like reasonable people. Interesting how your ex sort of "warned" you about things to come. Mind did this too in sublte ways. There were things he wouldn't commit to because I'm sure he knew he'd take off one day, which he did! Good for you for keeping your distance.
May 30 - 2PM (Reply to #2)
neveragain
neveragain's picture

Quietude is Right!

Keep up with No Contact! That means do not return the gifts. That gesture would open Pandora's Box and the resulting drama is something the N's thrive on! Best to dispose of the gifts in any way you see fit. If they can be given away or stored away for the children or sold, the gifts do not need to go back to the N. You must protect yourself with a solid resolve. You know that this is a complicated, difficult situation. Simplify it as best as you can. Oh, and the "Robot" idea is actually not too far off. In reality, whenever you do have to have contact, put on your robot armor!!! They cannot penetrate what we don't let them to. It's a good idea, actually to mentally, put on that robot face and do NOT REACT TO THEM! It works. I've done it. The end result is that they behave badly and it's a lot easier to leave someone and stay away from someone who is behaving badly!