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Getting worse

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#1 Sep 17 - 2PM
Nicole
Nicole's picture

Getting worse

Hi Everyone,

Today, and this week, seem to be unbearable. I'm ashamed because it's been almost 9 months and it feels like I'm slipping - not moving forward. With therapy, journaling, reading...it's just awful. I keep thinking about how angry I was. I looked at old emails I sent to my friend about him and I was always just so angry. Now I wonder if that anger is what pushed him away. Was I angry at him or was I angry at something else and taking it out on him. The thought that he could actually be the good guy he claims to be, and that I was the one who screwed it all up just brings me to my knees. I don't know what's happening to me, but I fear not ever coming out of this hole.

Sep 17 - 2PM
neveragain
neveragain's picture

The Process

Nicole, it's not you. Really it isn't. You are doing just fine but are having a bit of a bumpy ride at the moment. This too, will pass. However, I do know what you're talking about. During my experience with my ex-N, I was constantly questioning my own emotional truth because he was SO GOOD at blame shifting, I thought it was ME. I carefully did a bit of troubleshooting on the problem. I thought that maybe because of my past relationships, I was taking out my anger and pain on HIM. I also thought that maybe because my hormones were all over the map (due to peri-menopause) that it was a kind of chemical imbalance in ME. I was very, very confused. I decided to really get a handle on where I was personally before I did any blaming on him. So, I went to the doctor for my peri-menopausal symptoms and got on a program of supplements. I diligently exercised to keep my emotions balanced. I got lots of sleep and paid close attention to any triggers that may have an affect on me. I kept a daily diary so I could see what those triggers were. I went to my therapist to double check my emotional maturity in regards to my past. I did ALL THOSE THINGS and guess what? It wasn't me. It was him. He was the one who continued to under-value me and my life. He was the one who did everything he could to get out of ever being there for me in any way, shape or form. He was the one who continually criticized (allbeit in suble ways but still) me and everything about my life. He was the one who found ways to chip away at my self esteem and make fun of me. He was the one who could have cared less about when I wanted to sleep or what I wanted to eat or what activities I wanted to do. It was all about him and it was going to stay that way. Now, looking back, I'm glad I did the self-inventory because I could honestly put the ownership of the devastation where it belongs. It's HIS lack of human qualities that destroyed us. It wasn't me and IT'S NOT YOU! neveragain
Sep 17 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
dolce (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Nicole

I truly understand how you feel. I go through this now and again and its very confusing. What helps me is talking to those who really know their stuff. Who know this type of person inside and out. They repeat that it WAS NOT MY FAULT. And Nicole, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT either. Get some strong people around you. A good counseller if you dont already have one, and a good support group of women who have been there and got the tee shirt. It's painful to walk away from this relationship, but if it didnt end, I am too scared to think what would have happened. In my case it was always emotional and spiritual abuse. But in the very end, when I removed his mask, he got physically abusive. And then he abandoned me. You know the saying.."Look back, but dont stare?" Do that. And keep moving forward. You will get out of this. Dont give up. We can keep each other strong!
Sep 17 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

hang in there

took me over 2 years... I doubt it will take you that long. Keep going to therapy, ask for meds if you think you need them - even short term. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck