Getting to Who Cares...

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#1 Jan 8 - 8PM

lucky

Getting to Who Cares...

I sure want to get to the Who Cares? stage asap. It's been 6 months for me.

The hardest part (and the lucky part) is that this thing never progressed and got worse... This is because after 2 in person meetings, and lots of online chats, I finally 'decoded' the red flags and determined that he was an abuser. He was baiting me for an emotional (hurtful) reaction that he could capitalize on. The reason I knew this is because I survived a pathological Ex many years ago.

But this is so different. I had lost ALL my love for my EX-Psycho and for a couple years before I left, I didn't even want him to touch me anymore, let alone have sex. He repulsed me. So in that way it was easier, there was no desire for him, just a whole lot of healing to do.

But this last N, it was still in the beginning stages and I desired him so much, both with my heart and for the sexual/physical connection. That's what I'm struggling with. The attraction was very strong, and honestly I dont ever remember feeling that way in the beginning with my EX-Psycho. It was more "you are my soulmate" and the romantic love fantasy, white picket fence, etc.

Please tell me there is hope for me, and that this is possibly just part of the PTSD or Stockholm's Syndrome. Why is it, that when someone shows NO care for your feelings, boundaries, happiness, safety, and is obviously a JERK, it doesnt instantly kill the attraction? In a way, it actually made me want him more, I think because he DENIED and withheld from me, the thing that he set me up to Desire. Is this accurate?

We had many many convo's in which we both agreed there was a mutual liking and attraction for each other. Lots of smiling and caring comments at first. I think he actually thought I could be 'the one' in true N fashion, but when things didnt cater to him perfectly, he saw me/the relationship as flawed, and at that point just secretly decided to use/control me.

That's what blew me away... how can someone desire someone so much, express all this stuff, say they think about you every day, and then.... boom, GONE no sorrow, no remorse, no missing you. Wow. I'm reading lots, however, and know that N's do this.

#2 Jan 9 - 11AM

Carolyn

predators

He gave you what he knew you wanted but only as bait. He always intended to abuse you. It is who they are -they are predators. Remember the old fable about the scorpion and the turtle in the midst of a great flood. the turtle was swimming and found the scorpion drowning. The scorpion begged for help and when the turtle refused because he didn't want to get stung to death the scorpion responded "why would I do that then surely I would drown!" the turtle said, "ok hop on and I will take you to safety." the scorpion hopped on to the turtles shell and stung the turtle. As the turtle was dying he said to the scorpion, "why did you do that now you will die." "It is my nature," said the scorpion then both sank into the swirling flood waters and died. They can't get victims unless they have something to attract the victim. The venus fly trap flower is like that. It has a sweet liquid that draws flys and when the fly enters the flower to drink the liquid the flower springs the trap and the fly is eaten. it is hard to believe that you walked into the relationship. Even after you have had the experience it is still hard to understand but most people don't have any frame of reference and walk into the relationship unaware of the danger. they do not look or act like predators and their skill at manipulation is amazing. their low emotional intelligence gives them a character that has no sympathy or empathy for their victims and they also have no loyalty or respect for women. they will do it to men if the men are subordinate to them like in the workplace. You are lucky you had enough previous experience to be able to detect that there was something very wrong. the only thing that works is to maintain NO CONTACT. I am reading an affirmation book and this one might help: I love those who enter my life I offer kindness, hope, affection, and positive spirit with laughter, fun, a kind heart, and caring, I ask that God give me the same thing from others. don't beat yourself up over this there are an estimated 40 million people in the US burned by the 12.6 million people with personality disorders.

#3 Jan 9 - 11AM (Reply to #7)

cynthia (not verified)

Carolyn

the story of the snake and the woman A woman came across a snake that was dying from the cold the snake begged her please please pick me up and hold me to your breast to warm me, the woman said if I do that you will bite me and I will die, the snake assured her I will not bite you for saving my life, she then picked him up and held the snake to warm him and he bit her before she died she said, why did you bite me, you promised me that you wouldnt, he said, lady you knew I was a snake before you picked me up. Problems is we didnt know these men were snakes when they pursued us we never saw the bite coming, we never had a chance

#4 Jan 9 - 6AM

cynthia (not verified)

Putting ourseves to the test

Why is it, that when someone shows NO care for your feelings, boundaries, happiness, safety, and is obviously a JERK, it doesnt instantly kill the attraction? They come in such an attractive package dont they? Such attraction, such desire yet such a false persona. This is the key to getting to WHO CARES, along with getting those hormones calmed down and getting deprogrammed, its a combination of all three, how can someone desire someone so much, express all this stuff, say they think about you every day, and then.... boom, GONE no sorrow, no remorse, no missing you. Because they are just words to them, they know the words but not the music, they know what to say to get them what they want, there is no emotional connection behind their words, they cant feel what they are saying, I miss you, I love you, they cant feel MISS and they know as much about love as a rattle snake. They may desire you, and even be aware you have good human qualities but it wont evoke love from them, they will just use your good qualities to take advantage of you. Think about it, its a big clue that someone is truly disturbed that can one day think you are their world, then the next discard you like a piece of shit. I mean Wtf, we are still that person they thought was sooo wonderful, so what changed? THEY DID, their mask came off and their disorder is what we saw, thats enough for me to be sexually turned off. I look at his good looks and charm and appeal as part of his disorder, I no longer say but he is so good looking and charming. I am good looking and can be charming but I am not a sociopath, its the real thing with me, what you see and what they tell you is not what you get with them, what you get is their disorder. "The People of the Lie", good reading.

#5 Jan 8 - 11PM

aceonelady

is not easy

I have the same only i was with him first online .then Skype and phone daily for about 14 or more hours a dy for 2 years saw him 2 times in real life once a week and last time 2 months (he lives in the USA me in Europe )we exchanged hundreds of pics nothing sexually but also had sex phone calls and i never went on cam he never put pressure on that,we were soulmates i thought so he told me his problems we were supposed to go make a life together then after me going to stay with him for 3 months in the USA he devalued after 2 days 0r 10 hours and turned into a totally other person.I couldnt touch him he withdraw afection etc... and just like you i had and still have feelings 9sexually and emotions)for him i still feel connected to him after 1 year of being devalued .I already had 1 year therapy and i still cant understand how somebody can for one moment to another just lose all their feelings all desire to be and for somebody i did offer him my friendship and he said i want nothing to do with you anymore i dont care if you live or die~and me...i still care and i dont understand myself or why from all this...he is NC with me heblocked me on Skype he never did called me again just in the beginning after i left 2 emails telling me he didnt want to have conversations with me anymore but believe it or not he like to know how i was doing.He doesnt have friends he see his kids once in 15 days for 10 minutes he only cares about watching porn ,gaming internet chatting with people he told me he was also talking to men now! And he has been skipping with some people here and rhere whatever that means...All this and i still have feelings for him i pity him and i am broke.Please stay away from yhis guy or you will end up like me sick weak and self destructive

Aceonelady

#6 Jan 9 - 12AM (Reply to #3)

lucky

I understand...

I understand your feelings and have so much compassion for you. Here's what I am getting bit by bit now... The more I see this guy for who he is inside (and I have to look past a very physically attractive exterior) and NOT who I envisioned him to be in my mind, who I hoped he was, the better I do each day. In reality, he was immature and borish, but online he seems outgoing, confident, solid, caring, etc... but I realize now this was just a fascade. Wanna hear something funny? When we met the first time, and we were going out for dinner, he made two really bad jokes, and one put down comment to one of the Servers. I KNEW these were red flags, but then second-guessed myself, thinking I was being a snob for not laughing at his jokes! But I've never been a snob in my life and am very concerned about people's feelings and how I treat them. Listen to this... out for dinner in a nice restaurant, ordering our dinners, and then ... N says to our Server, while flipping the menu back and forth, "Oh, do you have fries?" Server say, "Uh, no sorry we don't." N says, "Oh, well, she was wondering if you had fries!", pointing stupidly at me. Server does not laugh. I let out a bit of breathe and look crossly at him, somewhat offended. It felt like an insult to me. N is the only one laughing. He thinks its funny! I think he did it on purpose, as a slight put down, until I see him smirking at his own joke, wagging his chin back and forth, until he looks down at the table. He looks like a 5-year old to me. I'm not even sure if it was meant as a put down, or just very immature humour. Not 2 minutes later, he is criticizing the other Server's hair, something about, At least comb your hair, and sneering in her direction! Not too impressive! This is not how he made himself out to be before we met! I was expecting a together, confident, fun, mature, sexy, wonderful guy, with a great smile and great (aka 'witty') sense of humour. NOT! Love, nuture, and pamper yourself - get to know all YOUR wonderful qualities and your value. And know that this guy is a creep and any virtues, or reasons you fell for him is becuz he basically 'stole' them from you. So basically, we fell for OURSELVES not THEM! We must be pretty lovable! ;D

#7 Jan 9 - 12AM (Reply to #4)

Barbara (not verified)

lucky

http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/11/03/extreme-pathological-immaturity-narcissist http://predator-awareness.healthylifestylegeek.com/malicious-quirk/ ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#8 Jan 8 - 11PM

Barbara (not verified)

lucky

Are you with a trauma counselor? ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

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