Getting over it.

I am reading lots on this forum from people who feel bad and don't see the truth of the Narc.

My Narc died, we were together 15 years, as a result of the death I suddenly had access to all his phone records, all his e mails, all his private correspondence going back nearly 30 years, I could talk to his old girl friends, and his current ones, (there were 3) his family, his friends, this gave me an almost unique picture of him.

Some home truths,
When his father died, his mother gave him power of attorney- within weeks he had taken all her life savings and didn't tell her. she has MS and needs care, he arranged care and didn't pay for it, he mortgage her house and she has to pay the interest from her state pension.

Looking through his papers I came across a love letter from the lady he said was the love of his life, but looking a the dates, he was seeing 2 others at the same time.

When we had our daughter he was elsewhere doing a deal he was around for the odd day, I had a C section, followed by an infection, I don't need to tell you he was with another.

I have had a violent relation ship, which leaves a scar, he wold go into a violent rage, then one day I called him on it, it wasn't a rage it was an act, simply to control.

He needed funds to help with the business, I had just sold a freehold interest, so I gave him the money, he confessed a year or so later that he had given it to the mother of his first child, which of course made him look good, generous to a fault, but not necessarially with his own money.

You question yourself, if I had loved him more, if I had bent to his will, if we had argued less, if we could have lived together properly, you blame yourself, I could write a book, but the truth is these people care not a jot about you, only about themselves, they are for themselves, ONLY, they know the words, but not the meaning in any true sense, appear moral, look good in public, do the right things, but only for their own benefit, if they need anything, they take it, from you and anyone else.

From my perspective there is nothing you can do, could have done, to change the Narc, you can only change yourself, trust yourself and have the guts to move on, and rebuild yourself. They have no feeling for you, so don't beat yourself up, you have to clearly understand they are not moral, or good or decent, just selfish to a fault.