getting over it

I often wonder how long to get over it. For me it was the rape of the mind. This man blew into my life like a knight in shining armor. Married me. Then he started the Dr. J/Mr. H back & forth routine. (Brainwashing techniques.) These men take dreams & hopes. He got me by exploiting my dream of a home and companionship. A shared lifestyle. And then he used that as the vehicle to exploit and abuse me. Can I ever trust again? Now I must say that I see personality disorders, emotional blackmail, manipulation, splitting, projection, lies & con-artists a mile off. But I am so deeply suspicious. And I am so afraid of being abused again.

And from what we have learnt we become more aware of US and any issues we may have from the past that we have chosen to bury or not visit. So ultimately its make us more aware of our feelings and where we never want to go again. So, in essence, we have something for our ex-P/N to be thankful for. They gave us the realisation of our situation. Co-dependency is a behaviour that has been taught and learnt and one which can be fixed with realisation and focus from our side on US. It's not a random gene so celebrate that - go forward with more awareness of this and prove to yourself that you are better than what was taught to you in your childhood. It needs work but I am evidence that it can be done and forgiveness to those who taught us because they knew no better. Celebrate yourself and your new found knowledge to make your future better and happiness for YOU. Dee x

I haven't been posting much lately (not that I usually do anyway LOL!) But being 5 years n/c IMHO, I think you never fully get over it. You learn to integrate it into your life history and move on. The fact that we can feel fully over the N and then be pulled back years or decades later (even knowing what he/she is) shows that the addiction isn't gone, it's in remission - sort of like cancer. (Of course I can't speak for everyone... just my take on it)

The rat experiment where rats are trained that if they pull the lever that they get food. And then some of the rats are consistently given a shock, and they quit pulling hte lever. And other rats are given randomly alternating shocks and food. And those rats go into a frenzy of pulling the lever - even when there is food all over the floor that they aren't eating. I find that fascinating - and too true - and I really don't want to be a rat. Thank you very much. And I also keep remembering that he isn't real. Nothing he says can be believed. He will use my confidences against me. He will tell intimate details of our sex life if he thinks it is useful to him. He secretely recorded us having sex and threatened to post it on the internet. He isn't trustworthy - he is a stalker wearing different disguises. He ISN'T real. He's fake. Pinocchio. Not a real boy. And I don't want to be a rat.

We get over it when we realize it wasn`t personal We get over it when we make healthier choices in life We get over it when we stop talking about it and giving it so much power We get over it when we stop coming to web sites and read up on N`s and stop posting about it We get over it when we use all this energy to create a great life for ourselves I left my ex a yr ago, I was in so much pain and read and read and talked and posted and read etc. Then 6 months into it, I finally cut contact with him off, stopped coming to any msg boards, stop reading up on everything associated with N`s, I stopped any and all dipping and within 4 weeks, I felt like a new person. Sure, I still thought about him, hurt and was sickened by it all, but was feeling awesome. Met new people, met a new guy (nothing serious) and was just out having fun. Then like a moth, I brought my ex back into my life in June. Doh, now I am starting this pain in the ass process all over again. I`ll read here to remind myself why I left this loser in the first place and have dipped a little, but I`ll soon be gone from here and anything relating to my pain. Because I get to the point where I've given someone enough of my power and then I take it back. When you've decided you want your power back, that's when you will be over this. No N is worth all the damage they cause. To feel sad and wallow (like I've done many times) is a suckier place to be that even with these creeps. I got over an 11 yr relationship where my ex left me for someone with hiv, we lost the house, our business and the man I loved for a long time and I allowed that to take 4 months of my life and I woke up one day and said "he's taken so much from me, he takes no more" and I started to heal. Make the choice to take your power back......it comes, I promise!

What a wonderful statement! Our lives will be forever changed by our experience with the N. I think we will carry this with us until we die. I am more in tune to my feelings than I have ever been. I hear & LISTEN to my instincts. I even feel more empathetic towards people but I am no longer afraid to say how I feel for fear of hurting someone with words they don't want to hear. I am stronger and wiser. I am taking this experience and turning it around to see the good in why it happened.

Never............we will carry this with us always. Maybe deep in the back of our souls, but we will indeed carry it forever. As we should.

I'm still working through it and like you say there are those moments when you have to lock yourself away from family for some good crying time. (and some time alone time with God) NC and staying busy have moved me forward. Thanks GB for this post.

This is so beautiful. Thank you for this post and insight. xoxo Sherry