Yesterday, I went to "our church," the church we had registered to get married, to attend a funeral for the death of a girl who never really existed. I fell in love with her. We had the most wonderful dream I've ever imagined. No one was there except for me. I remembered her, felt an incredible amount of pain, prayed, cried, and then let go of everything. Then, I left her bible and crucifix in the pew and walked out, never to return.
This act provided relief and some of the much-needed closure I've been longing for. I have nothing else of any real value to her in my home. As such, I have no reason to meet up with her, which is what I've been working to do over the past few months.
The rest of the day went fairly well and I felt at peace. Then, I ran into the first guy she dated after me at a restaurant, the current guy she is dating at a bar, the first guy again at another bar across town from where I saw him last, and the current guy again at another bar across town from where I saw him last. I felt a lot of jealousy -- as if they got something over on me. I look forward to the day when I can see these people and feel no pain. The fact is that both of these guys are losers, but that doesn't make me feel better. My logic is that she rejected me and chose them. I know she's a narc and is not going to be wonderful with the next guy, at least past the adulation stage. That's the part I'm jealous about. You know how they are. She was incredible.
In any case, I move to Dallas this week. I hope it will provide more relief and I am able to leave my pain and negative energy (at least the bulk of it) here.
Thanks for reading.