Full of hate
Full of hate
I tried journaling last night and I couldn't write anything that didn't stink of raw hate and anger. It was fueled by the original hurt March 2010. Vivid memories, absolute pure vehement ugly anger. I couldn't shake the feeling, then closed my eyes and slept soundly and comfortably. Still feeling uneasy today and I am mad at myself for having any feelings about her at all. It certainly isn't indifference that I feel.
I don't know what work I still need to do. Is this normal at my time of healing, did I miss something, some step, some level...I don't feel like I've gone backwards, and it isn't cogdis, I don't have the magical what if, I just want to obliterate her, destroy her, and I'm wanting to wreak havoc on her bf as well. Fantasizing destroying both of them. I won't act on any of it, but I want my head to be clear of it, too much noise inside of me, I want peace and calmness back.
I want to confess again that I answered when she called last week, I did ok in the conversation, but in hindsight it was silly, and unnecessary. I felt I could handle it, and it triggered all of this, I think. Its the only thing that really changed in the last 7 days, so it must be it.
I wrote an email to her last night, didn't send it of course...while I was journaling and venting on my computer she sent me an email regarding visitation...I wrote a scathing response that went on and on. I didn't send it either. Isn't it amazing that while I was ruminating and venting in my journal she contacted me via email. How weird and how perfect. I sometimes feel I am being pushed to discover how to totally let it all go. I pray for both of them, I really do. I do forgiveness prayers, forgiving them and forgiving me for all of my failings and weaknesses as well.
Beating myself up, wishing these feelings would go away. I've felt more this past 19 months than I can believe. Something is brewing, some piece is gonna fall into place. I will be patient, and I know 100 percent that no answers will come from her or from contact. That is huge. Looking back to last week, I would have gotten a boost from not answering, but instead I got a kick in the ass from her and from myself for answering.
I supplied her a bit last week, what a stupid thing to do. I can limit communication to email only, have done it in the past with great success. Back to basics, I will do this thing. I will get out happy and free. I will leave the bitterness and hurt in the dust...somehow it will happen!
ds
Dear DS
I can certainly relate to the rage
DS, I agree with these other
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God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.
DS, as everyone already said,
Thank you
DS, perhaps something triggered you...
DS...........this is very,
DS
DS, as always you
spinning