Full of hate

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#1 Oct 10 - 11AM
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

Full of hate

I tried journaling last night and I couldn't write anything that didn't stink of raw hate and anger. It was fueled by the original hurt March 2010. Vivid memories, absolute pure vehement ugly anger. I couldn't shake the feeling, then closed my eyes and slept soundly and comfortably. Still feeling uneasy today and I am mad at myself for having any feelings about her at all. It certainly isn't indifference that I feel.

I don't know what work I still need to do. Is this normal at my time of healing, did I miss something, some step, some level...I don't feel like I've gone backwards, and it isn't cogdis, I don't have the magical what if, I just want to obliterate her, destroy her, and I'm wanting to wreak havoc on her bf as well. Fantasizing destroying both of them. I won't act on any of it, but I want my head to be clear of it, too much noise inside of me, I want peace and calmness back.

I want to confess again that I answered when she called last week, I did ok in the conversation, but in hindsight it was silly, and unnecessary. I felt I could handle it, and it triggered all of this, I think. Its the only thing that really changed in the last 7 days, so it must be it.

I wrote an email to her last night, didn't send it of course...while I was journaling and venting on my computer she sent me an email regarding visitation...I wrote a scathing response that went on and on. I didn't send it either. Isn't it amazing that while I was ruminating and venting in my journal she contacted me via email. How weird and how perfect. I sometimes feel I am being pushed to discover how to totally let it all go. I pray for both of them, I really do. I do forgiveness prayers, forgiving them and forgiving me for all of my failings and weaknesses as well.

Beating myself up, wishing these feelings would go away. I've felt more this past 19 months than I can believe. Something is brewing, some piece is gonna fall into place. I will be patient, and I know 100 percent that no answers will come from her or from contact. That is huge. Looking back to last week, I would have gotten a boost from not answering, but instead I got a kick in the ass from her and from myself for answering.

I supplied her a bit last week, what a stupid thing to do. I can limit communication to email only, have done it in the past with great success. Back to basics, I will do this thing. I will get out happy and free. I will leave the bitterness and hurt in the dust...somehow it will happen!

ds

Oct 10 - 9PM
Winter
Winter's picture

Dear DS

My opinion is that you are being too demanding with yourself. Wishing to come to indifference is fine. Forcing you to feel it and blaming yourself for not feeling it is different. At some point we should accept what we feel and do not resist it. What we resist persists. Anger is an emotional reaction to the injustice. You did not miss anything in your healing. You already had your periods of calmness, right? It definitely will come back. Maybe you should also work on the acceptance of the injustice? What would it change if you destroy them both? What would it change in YOUR life? I know you do not think seriously about it, but still try to think about YOU and not THEM. What can you do in order to improve your life? Bring the focus back on you and try to live in the present moment as much as you can. Love Winter
Oct 10 - 6PM
jackguy
jackguy's picture

I can certainly relate to the rage

I can certainly relate to the rage ds. I have found after having unsought brief contact with my ex as I did around a month ago and a week ago, I got a load of feelings of rage resurfacing. And like you I find it difficult to handle - I find it frightens me - that I am frightened of the rage within me. I don't suppress it though and like you I just don't act out on it - I try to integrate it. I can only imagine what it must be like to have spent 13 years with a narc. The betrayal and rage I have felt have been intense enough after only being involved with my ex for two years. I am beginning to think that the only benefit of this is to force us to fully and utterly never dismiss our own convictions, feelings, or needs again - to make us ruthless. It might make us unusually valuable people I think - the people who will disarm bullies and con-artists wherever we go just by the signals we send out.
Oct 10 - 2PM
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

DS, I agree with these other

DS, I agree with these other ladies here. Your anger is normal, and Sparrow is correct it may never completely go away. It does seem to become less with time. However, like you I have NOT reached "indifference" either. Face it, the narcs were someone we loved. They betrayed, used, and hurt us. Anger and pain for being treated like this from the narc is perfectly normal. Personally, I still have periods where I would really like to run xnh over with a train (slowly so that it hurts him a LOT). lol. Don't beat yourself up. You're doing great. Vent it all out in your journal (and at this site - we're here for you), and continue your NC. I do agree with you that it's eerie the way narcs seem to have some kind of mysterious radar. Just when we're doing well without them, the narc suddenly surfaces. SURPRISE!!! Hang in there. You are correct, you will be happy and free. You will, also, leave the bulk of the anger in the dust for a happy future. Huge hugs for you today.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Oct 10 - 1PM
58 and going strong
58 and going strong's picture

DS, as everyone already said,

DS, as everyone already said, rage and anger are part of the healing. And the best you can do is let it happen as it comes. No matter how long we've been in those sick relationships, we gave everything we had to give. And we have been hurt so tremendously in return that sometimes it seems so beyond words. We have been raped emotionally, somebody attempted assascination of our souls. Looking at that, hate, rage and anger seem very apropriate feelings to me. When my first marriage ended in the mid 1980s, I went through all the stages of grief. They say that while most people don't take as long, the grieving process can sometimes take up to 4 years. And going back to previous stages is normal during that time. Back then it took me nearly 4 years until it was totally over emotionally. This time I have yet to cry - after 20+ years of marriage, 2.5 years of separation and 2 years NC. Guess I am still very afraid to let my feelings surface freely. The divorce is long and tough, and maybe it's easier when that ordeal is over. Screamed once, in a way I've never screamed before, and that was a huge relief. And I was fortunate that nobody heard me. . . Also, I believe we have to learn and accept that having 'negative' emotions is o.k. and part of being human. And looking at the bright side: While at times it may be painful, WE CAN FEEL. What a wonderful gift to be grateful for each new day! Hang in there, ds, you'll be fine!
Oct 10 - 1PM
Pride and Shame
Pride and Shame's picture

Thank you

Thank you for your honesty and for being so real. I wish I had the right comforting words. I wish it would go away, too, these feelings. It's unbearably painful to be part of this toxicity. I want to get rid of it at a cellular level.
Oct 10 - 1PM
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

DS, perhaps something triggered you...

The holidays approaching, your travels to SoCal, your interaction last week...I replied in the thread on forgiveness this weekend about something I read in a book ("Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward, Ph.D.) where she stresses people not to rush to forgiveness bc you need to have that anger to heal. Personally, I don't plan on forgiving my exnp EVER bc he did a lot of damage, but I will move on, and hopefully someday when I'm in a happy, healthy r/s, I'll forget. In the same thread, I posted I wouldn't mourn if he got hit by a car and died. Talk about anger!! And I'm a compassionate person! That said, anger is a perfectly normal part of the process. I'm 6 months out, but I'm getting a lot of anger, and I think that is one emotion I'm not entirely comfortable with, as I'm such a positive person (well, more so pre-narc, but his negative attitude rubbed off on me I think). He used, abused, devalued and discarded (well acted like he was) me, so my anger is warrented. Your's is too. I just go with it. So I say, go ahead, let the feelings come...get good and mad! :)
Oct 10 - 12PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

DS...........this is very,

DS...........this is very, very normal, what you are experiencing. The anger does not go away all together. There is a little bit hanging out there that you will discover from time to time and just need to deal with it as it comes. I find the same here with me. I can be chugging right along, all good with the world, and bang.....something triggers. I have to accept this as how it will be and like I said, deal with it. It's odd, the triggers can seem completely unrelated to the narc in every way, but when you sit and think about it, there is a connection, somehow. I had a setback this weekend as well. You are not alone......I just got done saying to someone here on the forum just last week "Be prepared, for when you feel the strongest is when you can possibly be the most vulnerable" I believe that to be very true. You are on top of your game, you can congquer the world, you feel amazing.......than trouble comes knocking. Hang in there. You have a touch more anger to disperse of and it will in time. Not giving her the satisfaction, is key. You are doing a great job! Keep up the good work!
Oct 10 - 11AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

DS

Do ever really get over a tragic death ?? No . I think we eventually come to terms with it but its always a part of our make up!! I was having a bit of CD myself this weekend!! The beautiful fall weather, wishing the for the Dog Whisperer!! It happens, it sucks!! There is no going back .. It is what it is and a few days from now.. We'll both feel better! Oh.. If I could get even...I think getting even, means moving forward!! OXOX Hunter
Oct 10 - 11AM
spinning
spinning's picture

DS, as always you

describe this process perfectly. I am so sorry for this glitch but I know you know it will pass and you will conquer and prevail. I must believe these things, too. To do otherwise is to continue to give the disordered ones power over us. I think it's very human of you to be angry. Why shouldn't you be? 13 years of your life was obliterated in short order and you were left to sift through the scraps. At least I only had six years in. 13 is a long, long time to let go of. DS, you have helped so many people here with your thoughtful, insightful and humorous posts. I know this will help others, too, so please know that your emotions, however uncomfortable they are, are not without merit and are probably a necessary part of this f'd up process! You are a shining light here and I send you the good vibes for continued strength and clarity. Most sincerely, (not to much) spinning. JUST A LITTLE BUT TRYING TO STOP IT!

spinning