Full of anxiety

This is what happens when I have to see the exN when we have drop off days for our son. I had NC with him for 2 weeks, and it felt great. NC was making me happy, energetic, and not think about him so often. Well, after last night, I am full of anxiety today. I want to call him so bad and tell him what a nasty asshole I think he is. I want to scream at him so bad. I am sitting at work plotting of things to say, staring at my phone. My heart is racing, and my thoughts are out of control. I hate that I have to see him, and have contact for the next 18 years. I want him to go away forever so I can get better.

And even through all the B.S. we have been through, he acts so concerned with the "what's wrong" questions. I had to bite my tongue, even though I wanted to walk up to him and slap him in the face. (would never do that) Holidays are here. I hope I can get through it, pretend that it's just another day. My bday is next week, and the New years. This is really going to be tough for me.

Most of you know from my previous posts the attempts he made earlier this week about continuing to work together. What the hell is he thinking! After all the verbal, abusive attacks - and then you want to continue working together? He just doesn't get it. I totally think he is a little boy, around 13, trapped in a mans body.

I have never heard anything like this from my friends, family or co-workers. I think my story is just about as bad as a soap opera. I do thank god every day that I have the strenght, but how much more can I handle??