Freedom

Hello Ladies,
I write three and one half years after the break-up. I have learned so much about myself since that day on March 12, 2011. (I had to think if it had been March 5 or 12.) March 12, 2011 was at first the most painful and horrible day of my life. Oh, I was so raw in emotion and so raw. I felt everything and all I thought about was the ex and his kids. I remember feeling unleashed and crawling on the floor to cool and support me. I totally withdrew from my family and friends. I cried and panicked and had become unhinged. We had worked at the same school then and he refused to speak to me, or to give me closure. He stalked me at work and at home, even breaking in to my house twice to scare the hell out of me. I was scared, that stuff emotionally and psychologically messed with me. I worked so hard to keep my chin up, but became unglued when I’d get home. I look back and think, “My goodness, how did I make it!” I look back and see how God opened my eyes to a few close friends who listened and hugged me, and this site and the awesome MODS. I had a one-on-one with Goldie about 1.5 year later, when I was getting hit with new information about the ex – his new wife (whom he brought to school and saw the day before the breakup. I KNEW something was up which messed me up.), and their new addition to the family. Contact = Pain.
Goldie heard me out – she said to focus on me and continue moving forward. That it was a blessing that he had not hovered me and that he did a number on me, but I was moving forward even though it didn’t seem like it. I could not say his name, that’s how afraid I was. I had been in therapy since the breakup…the first therapist was the start, but my second therapist guided me through my family of origin issues. Huge issues and I was entering a new career, but it did not pan out. I have dealt with bullies and terrible behaviors from people in job and personal situations. I have come to realize that bullies and narcs don’t like me much and they smell me out right away now and they stay AWAY from me (they don’t like to “reason” with people they cannot manipulate). Some have made my life hell to get to me – even an unjust termination – all of this without me even opening protesting or such. They just don’t like me being myself. I know I’m a good person, I know I’m a beautiful gift from God. I know I work to be of service to people. I know I am working to be the person I am met to be. I know I am strong – beyond what I ever knew. The breakup, termination, and humiliation intended for me each time only revealed the truth. I work at a great private school that even trumps my previous place of employment. It was in the papers and I know God, the Creator gives us what we can carry. God leads us closer to what He wants for you and He wants good for you. The path is not easy…it hurt like nothing else, but it made me stronger. I still have bills to repay from my unemployment and college loans, but I have a job now. My issues aren’t all cleared up, but I have even forgiven and accepted my parents for who they are. I still wrestle with bullies in my family, but I can cope now and I know how to say, “that’s YOUR issue, not mine. See ya until you respect me.” I can stand up to my brother and I love my mom and dad. I try to honor them, but not suck up to them for their approval anymore. They respect my boundaries now too!
The ex? Who the heck knows…I can say his name now and I’m not afraid. It’s a name like other names. He is remarried and I remember how he handled himself – I remember he asked me how I felt about obedience…when they tell you about who they are, believe them. He said he had anger issues, he enjoyed having sex with the kids sleeping in the same room, kicked out his elder father, and he stopped speaking to his mother when he was a toddler; he was drama “victim.” I see how unhealthy he was/is, and how unhealthy I was too. Unhealthy. I could blame him for so much and I did, but I have come to own my decisions too. I can look back and see the red flags in my behaviors too. I started to take care of his kids within the week we first slept together; telling them I would become their “mom.” They lost their mother about a year earlier. He asked me to marry him about 3 or 4 weeks after the first date. Red Flags. He said his parents met in rehab, his father has physically abused his mother, once near death, that his mother fled. A man with that history and his last girlfriend before his late wife had “gone crazy and walked out on him.” What a personal history. I had no boundaries! I was mad at my parents for not teaching me boundaries in an intimate relationship and I have now forgiven them and honor them best I can. I also dealt with rape from eighteen years ago. Yes, I wrestled with a big ol’ heap of issues. All of that – therapy, writing in my journal, PRAYER, spiritual counseling, Goldie’s one-on-one, and patience and being real with myself – helped me along with that ugly March 12, 2011 date. Now, I see March 12, 2011 was my release…freedom can be painful, when you don’t see that’s what it was. It was my release and love that I can celebrate that day now.
Thanks so much for everything and I just wanted to share. It is long-winded, but I want to show that recovery isn’t overnight and I didn’t think I’d get here. I’m brave. I have failed at many things, but got back up and as Goldie and the MODs said, keep moving forward. Thank you = much love 
Isabella
P.S. Some of my exes (having many narc traits) have contacted me and I delete/block because I was surprised they'd try to contact me (but not anymore). I had a date with one and I saw how he really treated me and I walked away – blocked him from everything. No contact and some of my old symptoms came up – doubt – but no contact and I see he’s so unhealthy. I know I don’t want to be treated like a hookup and walked away. I like who I am and I want a potential partner to treat me like I treat me.