Found old letter

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#1 Feb 29 - 6AM
standingtall
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Found old letter

I'm feeling so mad and sad right now. I came across an old letter my ex narc husband wrote to me after my father died. He had gotten drunk at my fathers wake, and left me in a heap crying on my kitchen floor after I was pulled over w chair trying to get his keys so he wouldn't drive away drunk. Rudy one of the worst days of my life. Losing my Dad and dealing with his narcissism and alcoholism. It's so true, when you need their support the most they are unable to give it, putting their anxieties and needs above yours, even after you lose a loved one.

The following day when he came back I told him he was a liar and POS drunk and I hope he died!!!! I have never wished that on anyone but I was so broken and broken hearted... He didn't say a word and left. The next day I get his letter. This was over 5 years ago and I had put it in with all of the sympathy cards and forgot about it.

I was going through things and found it and retread it. It brought back all sorts of negative feelings and I ended up replaying that night over and over in my head....his letter said he was sorry, that everything I had said was true, that he was ashamed, that I would never forgive him, that he had had his last drink, looking forward to the challenge of living life sober, that he was an ahole, and that I was lucky to not get back with him, and that church was probably in both of our futures, that he had hit rock bottom, that church was probably in both of our futures, blah blah blah.

The oint is they all lie, they never mean what they say and they repeat everything over and over again. They are contrite one second, and the next back to their old nasty ways. Everything in this letter he has gone back on that I know about... Everything was all of my fault, he picked up two DUI's, told everyone he will never stop drinking, and definitely hasn't found any spirituality.... The only thing he was right on about was that he is an ahole, and that I was lucky to not get reinforced with him.

I don't even know how to describe how I feel...and I just can't seem to shake this all off... I've never wished this type of ill will on anyone.... But I truly wish he would have a rock bottom in an endless deep pit.... One that he can't get out of.... To suffer like he has made so many others....

I'm sure I will get over this feeling.... I just had to vent. I guess I am so angry that everyone's lives get so messed up even years after... While his remains untouched and he goes forward without any suffering of any kind.... All is good .... I can't stand it.....

Mar 28 - 1PM
omgalso
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BethC I want to thank you...

Mar 2 - 11PM
BethC
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I think the hardest part of

Mar 6 - 11AM (Reply to #10)
Goldie
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This might

Mar 16 - 7AM (Reply to #13)
Used
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Goldie

Mar 25 - 2AM (Reply to #14)
Goldie
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Thank you Used

Mar 14 - 11PM (Reply to #11)
standingtall
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I understand

Mar 15 - 12AM (Reply to #12)
truthnow
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Understanding what he is

Truthnow

Mar 3 - 10AM (Reply to #8)
Used
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Beth

Mar 5 - 10AM (Reply to #9)
standingtall
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Thank you for reply

Mar 2 - 8PM
omgalso
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I agree with Used but....

Mar 5 - 10AM (Reply to #5)
standingtall
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Burned in my mind

Mar 13 - 3PM (Reply to #6)
omgalso
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You are so right!

Mar 2 - 8AM
Used
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But I truly wish he would

Mar 5 - 10AM (Reply to #2)
standingtall
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Ground hog day

Mar 5 - 11AM (Reply to #3)
Used
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Standingtall