FORGIVENESS

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#1 May 9 - 4PM
gratefuljen
gratefuljen's picture

FORGIVENESS

I am so tired of the grief cycle, I could scream. I just want to be done with the whole fffff thing.

But that's not the way this thing works. It's work. It's plugging ahead. It's sadness, then rage, then denial, then sadness again. I hate it.

I realized this morning, that I need to forgive. Not myself, him.

I did nothing wrong. I loved him. I took care of him to a fault. I mothered him, supported him,,,,bluh bluh, bluh.

I need to forgive him. To move on, to end this cycle of crap, I need to forgive him. Not forget, I will never forget. But to forgive him and let him go.

The rage and hatred was keeping me tied to him. I will never speak to him, like a human. He is not one. He is an empty shell, a man with no soul. But I want to move on. So forgive I will. Not in love, but in self preservation. I do this for me not him.

And just like the rest of the grief cycle, I bet I will have to do this over and over.

Yes, I made a bad decision, deciding to love him, but what was my motive? My motive was love. And I do need to forgive myself for staying in an abusive relationship, but as soon as I realized what I was dealing with, I let go....with claw marks.

For me forgiveness, letting the whole fucking mess go. Today. Love you girls. Thanks for listening.

Jen

May 9 - 6PM
findingmeagain
findingmeagain's picture

I guess I'm not there yet and

I guess I'm not there yet and I don't know if I will ever be there . I can't forgive a person who comes back and keeps doing harm to me. Its very hard for me and after the things he said to me this last time forgiveness is highly likely on my end. I simply will not respond he is like the air to me now i know he is there but i don't see him. Like water vapor.
May 9 - 5PM
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

Jen

Thanks again, Jen. I'm feeling blue and that was what I needed to hear. Hugs!
May 9 - 5PM
momoya
momoya's picture

still not a 'cure all' for heartache

You're tired of the grief cycle?! I am! This has been a long process. Even if you find a way to forgive him don't break NC in order to do that. Even if you find a way to really forgive, that doesn't mean the pain will magically go away. Just start with acceptance. We can't make it work with these disordered and mean people. Make peace first. take care

momoya

May 9 - 5PM (Reply to #4)
IMFree
IMFree's picture

Can't make peace!

I just want him to hurt like I hurt....I want him to be lonely like I am lonely! He has a new supply and it pisses me off cause I tried to warn her but she says he is so charming....What would I do without xanax!
May 9 - 4PM
Swan
Swan's picture

yeah

like I just read on another thread. Its like he tried to love me but he just can't. He just can't. So we must forgive ourselves for being loving and loving them well. Maybe we were meant to be in their lives to teach them what love means. I just can't believe it was wasted for nothing. God doesn't do that.
May 9 - 4PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Jen

You Are Plugging along at a nice pace. It just takes time. Yep all you did was love, and that's not a bad thing. They are sad dead people. :( Hunter