Forgiveness

At work, a coworker (she's a major Narc, she's been known to scream at family members at a nursing home) falsely accused me of shoving her on purpose- when there were 3 witnesses and I didn't even TOUCH her. Not even slightly. She went around, screaming and yelling that I shoved her... but I hadn't touched her. When she&I were called to the manager's office and she was called to be accountable, she got up and RAN OUT... claiming that she had to pick up her daughter from school. She didn't take responsibility for the trauma she put me through, nor did she show remorse for lying. She didn't apologize. What disappointed me deeply with the ex-Psych was that he didn't really apologize (til towards the end, over petty things), that he didn't show remorse. I promised him NS if he apologized, that if he said he was sorry, he'd get the praise/admiration/pedestal he once had. Was it sad that he hurt me? Yes. But what was sadder was that he didn't ask for forgiveness. In the Gospels, the difference is shown between Judas&St. Peter. Both betray Jesus. Both repent... but Judas is so unforgiving towards himself that he commits suicide, rather than going to Jesus and saying, "I wronged and betrayed You. I am truly sorry." St. Peter forgave himself enough he was able to be humble&go back to Jesus. In the ex-P's case, it's not so much forgiveness as understanding. When I stayed with my sis&her family in Boston, my little nephew would wake me up several times in the night, screaming&crying. He didn't apologize. He didn't show remorse for waking me up. It's that he lacked the maturity/empathy to do so. I'm not angry at my nephew, so why be angry at the ex-P? It's futile to be angry at a toddler for being immature... same thing with the ex-P.

I'm not actively working on forgiving the narc right now, just focusing on healing myself. I work on that by reminding myself that he is pathologically disordered and incapable of change. In time, I hope that my personal growth will evolve toward some measure of forgiveness -- not for him, because he doesn't care, but for me. A good friend once told me this and I have found it a useful adage to recall in my moments of anger: "Harboring resentment toward someone is like swallowing poison and expecting the OTHER person to die!"

The act of forgivness has troubled me as well. As a Christian we are are taught to forgive. We are also taught that God will forgive us of our sins if we humbly come to him, confess our wrong doings, repent and "sin no more". If we are required to acknowledge our sin and "ask" for forgivness from God, why would the N deserve forgiveness with no acknowledgement of the wrongs they have done. Contrary to an N's belief, they are NOT God. They continue on their path of sin with no repentance. Whether I forgive the N or not, it WILL NOT hold me back from my healing and dreams of a happy life. I will trust and love again. I have become indifferent to the forgivness of her. It no longer crosses my mind. As far as forgiving myself, the only thing I can see that I did - was to Love too much. I see no need to forgive myself for that. Just my thought on forgivness.

about forgiveness that allowed me to "forgive" in this situation to the extent that it is possible for me: She said "Forgiveness is letting go of the idea that the outcome could have been any different." The show she said this on dealt with people who have been sexually abused as children and now as adults are asked if they "forgive" the person. Oprah's quote resonated so much with me because for once I could tackle my avoidance of dealing with the notion that I'm not loving enough to "forgive" Freak Boy. The truth is I have no intention of bestowing my "forgiveness" on my abuser. Call me unenlightened, but what I feel in my heart about what he did to me and my life at this point does not remotely resemble forgiveness. I do work on forgiving myself for holding onto the idea that my love and goodness would have and/or could have made the outcome different. That's why Oprah's idea of forgiveness in this case works so well for me. Just my two cents. Stay strong, BTB. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. JUST LETTING GO

I will never forgive directly because we have been taught, as is truth, that contact=pain and our words are not a comfort to a PD, they will be used against us in some way either indirectly, or as a manipulating tool. My faith has taught me I must forgive 7 times 70. Even on the cross, our Lord said, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do". This is powerful to me. This shows us what a true Christian heart looks like. I am not there yet in forgiveness. I am GETTING there, especially since I am understanding these disorders a whole lot better now and I KNOW what he is, and will never change. Forgiving myself, I have found, has been a whole lot easier. A lot of my guilt still rides on the fact I allowed this bullshit to go on with my two sons in the house, they were subjected, because I ultimately allowed it. And this has proved hardest to overcome within myself. It truly is a journey, to which we all must walk alone- with a little help from our friends, which of course includes all the brave souls who frequent this site. love~ Layla

This is a personal choice.. And comes up often .. My thought .. Would you forgive the Devil? I have no forgiveness for someone who can't acknowledge their wrong doing.. What The Dog Whisperer did not me ... I have no room in me to forgive.. He is calculated evil.. May he burn with the Devil.. They make good neighbors.. Hunter

The practice of forgiveness is a life choice for me. I endeavor to forgive as an ongoing process for my own spiritual health. I acknowledge and allow the indignation, loathing, resentment, rage...sometimes even wallow in it. I even have malicious fantasies of vengeance. Anger and hatred can be very motivating. Anger can impel me to create change in my favour. Forgiveness for me is slamming down the gavel and saying,"Case dismissed...you are free to go." I release the demand that God find you guilty and punish you. I have no grudge...you owe me no debt. I do not hold out the hope that you could have been or can be any different. I will not torment myself with what could or should have been. The past is a vapour and truly gone. Unforgiveness creates a holding pattern that binds and draws the same experiences or lessons to you. If I do not forgive I WILL repeat the lesson. A Course in Miracles says that forgiveness is the knowing that the person never had any real power to hurt you. The only meaning that the experience has is the meaning that I alone ascribe to it. If I say he had power over me to harm me...then he did. If I say he never had any real power over me to harm...then he didn't. Forgiveness can come in heart beat or as the Bible says I may have to forgive him 70x7 times. I choose to forgive him in the end. Today...at this point...I believe that my survival instincts deeply resent his presence in my life. Until this circumstance is corrected resentment will overpower forgiveness. I don't feel unhealthy or guilty about it. Someone said,"Unforgiveness is like drinking poison in the hopes that the other person dies" If I went to him and said, "I forgive you." he would hear,"I'm a bad person for being mad at you. Come back, you can do whatever you want to me." So WHEN I forgive him...it'll be none of his business.

More importantly, I have forgiven myself for getting involved with him. I have been taught a lesson and will learn from it for the future. I don't really feel that you can forgive an abuser - especially as he always knew what he was doing. Dee x

Do you feel the need or want to forgive? Do you feel the need to forgive him directly? Not me.....I have forgiven in my heart, and that has enabled me to move forward, but I have no desire to actually "forgive" either of them directly. They don't deserve it,nor would they truly appreciate it.