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Foreverlearning

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#1 Apr 9 - 8PM
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

Foreverlearning

Hi - you had mentioned on one of the posts that you felt like you had to figure things out on your own and proceeded to have the relationship that you doubted.... I think you told me something like "some people have to learn from themselves...you could throw away another couple of years and really hit rock bottom. Some people have to do that to learn the hard way. I did" - or something like that.

I can't find your story. Do you have it posted somewhere, or can you tell me what you did and where you think you made your fatal flaw???

Apr 9 - 11PM
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

rock bottom

Well I have written so many different things around here most the time I can't remember anything too specific it all becomes one big blur of my endless 2 cents, if it's even worth that much! You can likely tell, I sometimes get rather colorful when I write (but the prize for most colorful and funniest writer around here has to go to Narcnarc, hands down!!). I sometimes get more colorful and zany, the more pissed off I get, when thinking about some Narc and how they are screwing with good women's head and hearts. I get pissed and write some wild descriptive and insightful stuff, designed to put an imaginary foot in the victim's rear end (via the internet), to get them angry about it and really angry at the Narc, too. Getting angry helps in getting out of the sadness/depression thing, somewhat. Having suffered many years from depression, I noticed not long ago that people (men especially) who get angry rather than sad, seem to suffer less in life! I learned this from the Narc I was with and his family - a bunch of Rage- Aholics - Italian Big Mouth Mafia style family. They never got sad, they only got mad. That of course is ridiculous too, but it did teach me about the power of anger, and as always, all things in moderation, including anger, sadness, self-pity, envy,..... and pleasureable indulgences too (I am still working on my dark chocolate compulsion myself, no moderation there for me! ha ha) I have not posted my story, don't currently have plans too, but I might someday. I have just been a mixture of lazy and avoiding re-hashing the entire ordeal, drudging up old painful memories, etc etc. Plus I have small children and I can be long winded - so time becomes a factor too in re-telling my long winded tale. The very short version is I wasted 14 years with a bastard abusive lying gaslighting alcoholic drug addcit Narcissist Psychopath who loved to rage and emotionally and verbally abuse me in every way listed on this website, and I had 2 kids with him, and I developed cancer in the 8th year from the stress of suffering in a relationship with him. I did not know about Narcissistic Perosnality Disorders even though I have a college degree (Bachelor of Business Administration, Accounting) and took psychology classes in college. Now that I know of these personality disorders, it has changed my life and given me wisdom and understanding, along with this website giving me a place to learn along with receive support, and realize I was not alone in wasting so many years with a highly dysfunctional man. That in itself is a real relief, no longer feeling alone in having suffered as I did. I do recall writing about hitting rock bottom. Hitting rock bottom is generally the turning point in which people decide its time to "sh*t or get off the pot" and they realize they just simply can not go on living as they are, somehow, something has 'got to give'. I was apparently a rock bottom kinda person myself, but I stayed at the bottom, with only slight bounces upwards now and then only to resettle back in misery at the bottom, for many of those 14 years. I came to regard myself as similar to John McCain during his Vietnam Prisoner of War experiences, although I know that would be disrespectful to Mr.McCain, because he suffered both physical and mental beatings, whereas mine were only mental/emotional beatings. Either way, it seems rock bottom is a turning point in the psyche, that, if nothing else, will serve to lead one out of the depths of despair in their situation, or render them dead (eventually). Luckily for me, eventually my rock bottom propelled me to detach from my abuser for lack of any other possible alternative, and ultimately I was able to become free of the pain and suffering and move on. The nice thing about having experienced long term suffering is the resolve to not ever want to go back to that place again. The other satisfying thing about it is the ability to relate to a wide variety of other people's deep and long term emotional pain, and to get a chance to try and support and help them through it, which is what I aim to do around here, and it is a very satisfying feeling which in turn also helps to continue to heal me while also serving to help others in gaining a foothold in the journey of healing. Sounds goofy and hippie-dippy but that's my truth during this point in my life. All the best to you.
Apr 10 - 12AM (Reply to #5)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

foreverlearning

A few interesting observations here. 1) My dad was a big N - he was Greek - so the same hot tempered, physically and verbally and emotionally abusive to my mom as you describe. My mom is an angel living on earth...the sweetest human being you could imagine. She endured it all. I had a feeling what was going on, but she would have never been disrespectful to my father and told us what was happening. But I got it. Decided to never marry anyone like him (because I wanted to be respected by my husband in every way) although I loved him to death and so did my mother. He passed about one month ago, and I can tell that my mom is so much happier now - which is sad in a way. She did love him tremendously, but he was abusive and had multiple affairs; however he also showed her tremendous love- it was confusing. He also was an amazing person with a big heart that would do anything for anyone... 2) My biggest confusion. And I still could use some advise here. This is still what I struggle with everyday and it has to do with me hitting rock bottom. I did marry someone very different from my dad. My husband respected me totally; he has a good heart, he is honest, he is totally trustworthy, and he makes me feel very comfortable and safe. Now, when I read the NPD description, my husband fit it to a "T" when we were first married. He was completely self-absorbed, totally full of himself when it wasn't warranted, he couldnt' discuss any relationship issues with me because he truly believed he was perfect, he checked himself out in the mirror everytime he walked by, he thought he could "charm" me by walking into the bedroom nude and flexing muscles (yuck) and had absolutly zero empathy (my best friend was murdered in a random shooting when we were engaged and all he said was one word - "sorry" - that was it. It scared me to death because I had never experienced such a lack of empathy, but I married him anyway). When I was in the middle of having a miscarriage one year after we married, he decided to go to a work meeting (just a normal weekly staff meeting) vs. go with me to the hospital and support me while I was losing our baby. It was devastating. I'd never been treated with such a lack of empathy - I was dumbfounded and our relationship was never the same after that; I never felt like he was there for me when I really needed it and it felt very lonely. That was when I fell in love with the N. He was there for me during this terrible time and helped me through it emotionally. And has been there for me ever since. If I ever need support in any way - he is there for me - and has been for 22 years. I can always count on him. I hit rock bottom 3 years ago when I finally realized that my husband and I would never be emotionally close (we had already been through couples therapy) and I would always feel alone. Went through one year of depression and physical disability that kept me in bed and unable work or to take care of my kids for one year!!!! And I am usually a happy and highly functional human. But I think that reality of not being close to my husband just came crashing down on me. (there was an incident that set it off) I had one four year relationship before my husband that was incredibly close - so not being close was a new thing for me in a relationship. (he has childhood issues) Also, my husband was an absent father. He had nothing to do with raising the kids. Work, work travel, and playing sports was WAY more important to him than talking to one of his children or participating in the parenting process. When I hit rock bottom three years ago, I decided to listen to my pain since I didn't want to be in pain and depressed anymore. My pain was telling me that I needed to be in an emotionally close, committed relationship - someone to truly share my life with. And guess what, the N pulled me out of this deep depression by talking to me constantly - building me up again and therefore injecting some happiness into my life. This was after we had been close friends for 18 years. It was then that I decided that the pain was telling me that I needed to leave my husband and move near the N to pursue a relationship with him. in the meantime, after hitting rock bottom too, my husband becomes a Christian and has changed ALOT for the better: he becomes a father and our relationship gets much better - but we still are not close emotionally. I think there is some kind of block in my brain that doesn't allow me to get close to him because I have been burned emotionally by him (through neglect) for 25 years. I can't even go to the hundreds of examples of pure neglect and pure lack of empathy. So I changed my life to listen to the pain. I moved near the N to pursue a relationship. We became business partners (I thought as a starting point; he denies that). And then I learned of all of his secret lives and watched the abuse happen. So now, does my utter confusion make more sense??? This is why I keep waffling back and forth and why this is hard to put behind me. I thought I was moving in the right direction and in the process, was hit in the face with a frying pan. It makes me wonder if I need to proceed forward with my original plan and risk hitting rock bottom (again). Because what I have been doing for 25 years has not been working. Ugghhhh.
Apr 9 - 11PM (Reply to #2)
Kelly
Kelly's picture

Forever Learning

I love your two cents :) I was also looking for your story! Thanks for sharing what you just shared. Sounds like you were involved with the Sopranos! I think your right about hitting rock bottom. I hope that last one really was the bottom. It felt like it and it's true. I'm forever changed. I have gained so much wisdom in the time after the last one D&D'd me. I know I'm coming out of this a stronger person. I wish it didn't have to happen the way it did, but I know my eyes are open in a way that a lot of my friends and family don't get. I think I'm going to do a lot of good in this world because of my new found awareness.
Apr 9 - 11PM (Reply to #3)
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

You Already Have

You don't have to think you will do alot of good, you already have around here, you are one of the most kind, supportive and insightful advice givers this site has and I for one really enjoy your perspective and positive attitude and advice. I realize it's not always possible to be 'Mary Sunshine' when discussing Narc/Psychopath antics and outcomes but I do appreciate the suggestions you have given, one of which was your past discussion of yoga as being beneficial to unblocking negative energy channnels, I couldn't agree more, there is alot to the mindy/body connection and I am just discovering this myself. Thanks for being a part of my healing here and for your contributions and your overall very loving and supportive words around here. God bless you girlfriend!
Apr 10 - 10AM (Reply to #4)
Kelly
Kelly's picture

;)

Yoga is so cleansing!