Flashbacks

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#1 Dec 24 - 10PM

walking_on_sunshine

Flashbacks

I cant take the flashbacks. Ive been crying off and on for about 2 hrs now. Its like Im sitting here fine then all of a sudden something he did comes into my mind and I cant stop crying, and then, a few minutes later it just stops.And then it happens again with a different memory. What the hell is this? Its like, when I remember things, I'm remembering exactly what I felt like and its like I'm right there again in the experience and it makes me cry in sick horror. I CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT I HAVE BEEN THOROUGH. Its like this is all unreal. I keep thinking... did all this really happen? I swear I will never be the same again.

I really tried to stay strong tonight, I even cooked myself a nice turkey dinner with cookies and everything, but shortly after, this flashback hell started.

I just want it to stop. I cant believe I have to do this same thing again tomorrow as well.

I'm just sick over what Ive been through. Just totally sick.

#2 Jan 9 - 12AM

emtg

flashbacks continued

You know, I had a very mild one today and I realized that I had not had one in about 2 weeks. And four months ago, I was having them constantly, to the point where I hated being around anybody and every damn second was intruded by some horrible memory. I know exactly what you mean. It is though you are reliving it over and over and with even more memory than what you felt like then as you get better. I am sorry for the excruciating pain you are going through but believe me, it gets better. so much better. we are not all making this up -

#3 Jan 8 - 8PM

Winter

Walking

I promise you it does ease with time. I also had it. Even worse. Not only I had flashbacks representing what I felt when I was with him, but I also had flashbacks of the deep pain I experienced when I was without him. Example: I would drive or walk somewhere and I recalled to a T the thoughts I had about him and the pain I was experiencing. At some point I started really doubt the fact that one day I will be "normal", "like others". And then the "secondary" emotion, the famous "feeling bad about feeling bad" would surface, and the this mental spiral would bring me so low... Then I came to the conclusion that I will accept wathever I feel and I said to myself: "So what if he will be in your mind forever? So what if the places will remind you about your thoughts about him. What are you so afraid of? First of all it is not very likely. Second, even if it will persist, you not gonna die because of it. So, just accept it, leave with it and try to make all other aspects of your life as good as you can." And I was repeating this script to myself a hundred of times before I really believed in it myself. You know what did happen? I felt more relaxed when these flashbacks resurfaced, I accept them, without feeding them, without fearing them. Apperently they "don't like" when we accept them and take them easy. They want us to react to them with fear and to take them very seriously. If we don't they lose their power and leave us alone. For me, it exactly what did happen. Love Winter

#4 Jan 9 - 1AM (Reply to #26)

bgirl

Winter thank you so much for

Winter thank you so much for your post. I can so relate to everything you said. I am just accepting the fact he was such a huge part of my life, my emotional brain, my psyche, my future...then nothing. Gone. So...I think you are right, he will probably be with me for a very long time..until I heal.

#5 Jan 9 - 12AM (Reply to #25)

foreverfun1

winter you are awesome and so

winter you are awesome and so wise

#6 Jan 8 - 11PM (Reply to #24)

walking_on_sunshine

Winter, I know exactly what

Winter, I know exactly what you mean about the flashbacks of the ones being without him. When I get that one, I basically feel the exact same way I felt when I first experienced it.I feel the same pain that I felt then. Thats why whenever I was out during the holiday season a few weeks ago I had to repeatedly run into the bathroom and cry. I felt exactly like i was right there in that moment and It was just impossible to not cry because it was like it was happening right then and there. I do find its happening less though, but its still not better by a longshot. Ive kind of been doing the accepting thing as well. I think maybe it eventually comes automatically as a reaction to despair? Im going to make a more consious effort to remind myself that this is all just a brain f*** and as you said, time will heal it. Your'e right, flasbacks are all just in the mind and if I accept it and just let it flow through me, I dont give it power. "So what" is very powerful in an opposing way. Honestly, I was really afraid my neurochemicals wouldnt right themselves. It is terrifying to fear loosing your mind and to be so close to loosing it. I think I'm getting better though. I cant believe what I went through. Ok stopping now.I start therapy next week. I'm looking so forward to that. All I care about is making sure this never happens again, mind you I feel like I don't want to ever date again anyway so at least there is no worries for now.Just gonna work on me and stick to the plan. Thanks xoxo

#7 Jan 8 - 7PM

walking_on_sunshine

Hi everyone, thanks again for

Hi everyone, thanks again for all the love and support.I didn't come back to this thread for a bit because I had almost a whole week without tears. But then I had some today, just a few though.I'm just really grieving the loss of the masked sain man from the beginning.(feeling protected and safe from the hostilities of the world), only to discover he was the definition of hostility itself. Its like badness in the world, even if it isnt happening to me, makes me sad because I loose faith in the future of humanity. The things i read, the news, the posts, things I see... it can all be overwhelming. Knowing that some people cant feel for other people, some people want to deliberatly hurt others, people can lie and cheat, abuse thier wives( or husbands) and children, steal thier best friends mates. So many resort to addictive substances to cope its so sad, and then some people like my x " have freaking demons in their mind "...the visual metaphor of "a bloody entity living in the brain",...its mind blowing. Its like awareness of "holy shit evil" is like a double edged sword to me, it makes me wize to have known it but I feel tainted to have touched it.

#8 Jan 6 - 8PM

ifinallygotit

flashbacks

I used to have them constantly, now only about once a week or less. The mind holds on to things and certain sounds, words and objects trigger both the good and awful memories. I just went through my house, my clothes and even my underwear to try to get rid of more things that bring it all back to me. Please believe it does get better! For me, my whole apt and neighborhood is a trigger and after more than a year of toughing it out, I have decided to move. I am not suggesting that for others but have decided it is right for me. Time eases the flashbacks and keeping your mind busy and good people around you. I find too much time on my hands to still be dangerous... You need faith now to know the intensity of the flashbacks will subside...really!

#9 Jan 6 - 8PM

blueworld

sunshine

i also think the crying is when we are "letting go" and forgiving ourselves for allowing it all to happen. There is alot to this process this isnt jufst divorce or breaking up

#10 Jan 6 - 7PM

Dee30

PTSD

I had that couple days ago, even last nite..all the bad things he did to me, mean things he said, anlayzing it all putting it all together. I balled my eyes out. I still tightness in my chest and muscle tension and feel like i will start crying at the drop of a hat. I used to get panic attacks like couple years ago I managed to get thru those with breathing deeply from ur diaphraphm all the way up thru ur upper body, thats what my therapist told me helps with panic attacks. But i knw the flash backs hurt so bad. Therapy and lots of time needed to heal. Its the shock of it all that comes rushing in when dealing with these abnormal beings.. *hugs* be strong...

#11 Jan 6 - 7PM (Reply to #19)

HardToBelieve

Panic..

I went into a paralyzing shock 2 weeks after the breakup. At first I was having panic attacks, waking up in the middle of the night and gasping for air and having my heart race in abnormal speed. This later on turned into anxiety, not being able to concentrate and constantly crying. I couldn't focus on what was said on the TV or what people were asking me. I had to keep my TV off for a month and when people said something to me I constantly had to ask them what they were saying because my brain wasn't going in the usual speed. What happened then was really scary. I went into some form of paralyzing shock. My body turned numb and I couldn't move my jaw or arms. I thought I was having a heartattack so I called the emergency. They said I was having a panic attack but I knew it was something else. I couldn't speak properly because I couldn't open my mouth and jaw properly. It was like I was in prison of my own body and in my years I have never experienced anything like this. I've been through alot in the past.. abuse.. bullying ect, but this was something else and I knew it was a direct effect from the narcissistic verbal and physical abuse he had on me. I went in to shock. Im so glad it stopped. I never want to experience this again. And this is a clear reminder.. if your boyfriend makes you go in to a paralyzing state of shock, he's probably not the one for you. I wanted to commit suicide because of his narcissistic rage and insults. I don't care how they try and justify their abuse - if he makes you want to kill yourself or if you find your body to respond in a way thats really traumatic then he is not good for you. I wish I had said that to him. That he was not good for my health. That I was allergic to his insults because it was making me sick.

#12 Jan 6 - 6PM

HardToBelieve

PTSD

Sounds alot like posttraumatic stress disorder. This happened to me too. I was in total shock of what he put me through. All the memories came back and I started to analyze what happened. I cried and cried. Hyperventitaling and having panic attacks. To total indifference and feeling numb. This too shall pass. I promise. You are in safe hands NOW.

#13 Jan 6 - 5PM

lightandlove

flashbacks

I agree with all that has been said on the topic of flashbacks. For me ... it was like a cross word puzzle ...putting all the little moments, comments, observations together into one intelligible mass to make sense of what had happened to me over the course of 3 years withmy ex. On the issue of post traumatic stress - this is exactly what I was diagnosed by my GP and Therapist 1 month after he kicked me out. I lost 10 kgs within the first 5 weeks and have kept the weight off. I had so lost myself in 3 years that my body had reacted by getting physically bigger - something that has NEVER happened to me in my entire 44 years ! I started to feel like me again only about 2 months ago ... it's 8 months now ... each day it's getting easier and I am getting stronger ! Sandra

#14 Dec 26 - 9AM

agnesmurphy17

PTSD

What you are experiencing is a post traumatic stress symptom. I suffered this actively for a year after I left my N. I lived with him for 2 1/2 years. The abuse started when we moved in together at 6 months after meeting. Well, we married. Another story. After I left him, I was consumed by nightmares about him for almost one year. Every nite -- over & over. All day long, I would suffer "intrusive" thoughts about him. Flashbacks of scenes as well. Now some 2 1/2 years after leaving him, I still suffer some intrusive thoughts & flashbacks. Essentialy, while in the traumatic/abusive relationship, this is some disassociation occurring. A denial of sorts. And the victim is on auto-pilot. Getting through every day. After I left my N, and through a series of meeting a few women who knew him, and talking to others, I learned of the "web of deceit" this man had woven. Very little he had told me about himself was true. "Manufactured mythology." With distance, I started to "connect the dots." What had occurred became apparent. His behaviors which I suffered because I was somehow defective and to blame according to him -- which I bought -- were revealed to me for what they were. Such as the 3 day silent treatment every 7-10 days. I began to realize the extent of his abuse. Also, I had to experience the reality of which I had suffered. On my birthday, he went into a rampage. Actually suggested that I commit suicide! And then a few hours later, we were at the ballet & then in an expensive French restaurant as my birthday package. I could not process that on my birthday--the extremes! This is what living with an abuser is. Reconciling the impossible. Acting "normal" at the ballet & acting "happy" & "grateful" in a restaurant as if we were a "normal" couple. Oh, yeah, like everybody is normally told to consider suicide as an option on their birthday? You see, if the victim really ponders her abuse & recognizes the abuse for abuse while occurring, then she must leave. After we leave, we begin to experience the realizations which we had to deny at the time in order to keep going on. And the "connecting the dots" is very difficult. I had to deal with the reality that I enabled him & I faciliated my own abuse. Anyhow. I promise that eventually these flashbacks will ease away. Somehow, though, I do not believe that one can ever truly forget a pathological relationship. It forever changes one. I know that I can see & detect these types now. I know that I will not fall prey to this type of abuse again. And I have realized what occurred in my childhood to "prime" me for accepting his abuse for too long.

#15 Dec 26 - 10AM (Reply to #12)

walking_on_sunshine

Thanks so much for your reply

Thanks so much for your reply Agnes.Im sorry that you had to go through this as well. Its terryfying. I figured that it was disassociation but I didn't know forsure because Ive never experienced it before. Thus far, been just dealing with it as it occurs. I've been conditionally accepted into a trauma therapy program. During my assesment, they told me that the trauma is still too fresh to start the intensive program yet so they placed me into a another program which is like the precursor to the intensive program. The program's focus is more about the learning and the coping, the resilience and how the brain experiences trauma. Its 16 weeks starting January. After that I can move onto the intensive program. I know what you mean about childhood priming.What a waste of life it would be if it was never corrected.

#16 Dec 26 - 10PM (Reply to #13)

agnesmurphy17

trauma therapy

That sounds good. I think so many therapists have little or no understanding of personality disorders or how traumatized the domestic abuse victims are. Victims of psychological & emotional abuse are not understood very well. The woman who "replaced" me with my N -- she's a psychiatrist. No fooling. He fooled her for about 10 months. SHe moved in with him at after 3 months. Couldn't marry him because he was married to me still. Some of these men with Cluster B personality disorders are highly successful in the professional arena. And they are really only Dr. J & Mr. H in private. Frankly, I don't think the psychiatrist who took up with my N really understood the meaning of psychopath or malignant narcissist until she got "taken" by one herself. (She contacted me.) Nobody can understand what it is like. It's an emotional rape -- and while it's going on, I was clueless. I felt crazy & paranoid because I felt this man was out to get me & to destroy me. That made no sense. He was my husband. This was my home. My refuge. He was there to help me. In the end, I was terrified of him. My hands shook almost constantly. I suffered panic & anxiety attacks. I do not know how I got through it all or lasted as long as I did with that nutcase. Once I literally had an out-of-body experience = total disassociation. I watched him charging at me from someplace up on the ceiling. I saw the objects flying at me in slow motion. I felt nothing, no fear, nothing. Brr. It takes a long time, if ever, to get over living with a person who is insane. There is really something to the notion of the "mask of sanity." I think my N is crazy & really only appears to be sane. But anybody who really lives with him knows -- there's something really off with him. A creepy & dangerous pathological. I know now how the man can kill the wife, the kids . . & the neighbors say, "Gee, he was polite. A Nice man."

#17 Jan 6 - 6PM (Reply to #15)

juliamarie

You are so right...

My therapist had no idea how to best help me at first. She honestly hadn't dealt with a NPD case so I was her learning curve. I sent her straight to this website so she could research what I was going through, and it helped a ton. She was focused on trying to help me make sense out of a situation that made absolutely NO SENSE. We really had to shift gears on focusing on ME so I could get healthy because we were never going to figure him out. We did figure out why I put up with all the crap and abuse for as long as I did...and that is what started my healing. It is also when my flashbacks and nightmares started to ease.

#18 Dec 27 - 6PM (Reply to #14)

walking_on_sunshine

Agnes, I'm so sorry that you

Agnes, I'm so sorry that you had to experience this kind of Trauma too. I dont know if I could actually deal with a year of this continuing. It seems nothing relieves it but to cry when the feeling comes on. If I dont cry and let it out it turns into this anxious pain that is only relieved by greiving and crying. I seriously hope this eases up because it is really worrying me.

#19 Dec 26 - 10AM (Reply to #11)

Layla

WOW.....I could of written this...........

Agnes I can completely relate to this post...I am forever blown away at how similar some of our experiences are...at this point I shouldn't be, but I always am..... Thank you for this post.....I too am "connecting the dots"... amazing how you can see this all for what is truly is when you are an observer of the storm, and not actually in it anymore........... love~ Layla

#20 Dec 25 - 6PM

ruby01 (not verified)

I agree with the others.

I think it's a good sign. You are conscious of what you are feeling. This may sound silly, but I read that when you feel pain or sadness imagine you are inside your body and shining a flashlight on them and "exposing" them. Pain doesn't like being exposed, and therefore it will help to rid it from your body. I think it all centers around being more aware.

#21 Dec 25 - 10PM (Reply to #9)

walking_on_sunshine

Interesting idea ruby, I'll

Interesting idea ruby, I'll try it thanks.

#22 Dec 25 - 2AM

Done sourcing

Don't you just hate it when

Don't you just hate it when someone posts in response to something you are sharing with a inane comment like what you are experiencing is normal and part of the process? Well...What you are going through right now is normal and part of the process, lol. And contrary to how it feels in the moment, we survive it just fine and better for the experience. I know the tears release something that is ready to be released, and that is good. It is a letting go. It just gets overwhelming when we realize how much there is to let go of. I also think the tears mean we are finally dealing with things we have long stuffed deep inside, hoping that the crap was stuffed so deep it would never surface. But the surfacing means that we are healing, and that is the point, truly. So with every tear and sob I say, good for you! Congratulations on your recovery from something that seemed impossible to recover from. Let it out, get it out, cast it out, and throw it out! I did some crying this week, and I actually had an out of body experience during a couple of the episodes that really tripped me out...in a cool healing growing up kind of way. Stay the course and keep the faith. ds

#23 Dec 24 - 11PM

Sea

Agree with RP and Dee. Your

Agree with RP and Dee. Your body is detoxing. I had the same experience around 6 weeks nc. I was suddenly crying while making my own breakfast. It got so bad that i end up curling up on my kitchen floor. It comes and goes. After a while it is just gone. No more. It will pass. Hugs to u!

#24 Dec 24 - 11PM

uk lady

Big hugs

Yes, I think RP is right. I too feel that it's your body's way of dispelling the pain and toxins. E.g. if you have eaten something bad, your body would tell you to eject it by vomitting. After I was involved in a car accident, I was told that the brain can only transmit one pain at a time. In that, I initially had headaches, then neck pain and then a trapped nerve etc. Not all together but when one area was healed then the other area would flare up. It went on for months. You are doing everything within your power to cope with the trauma and tbh it is part of the process so it has to be got through. I've been there too so I know how much it hurts. Don't try to be Superwoman - try to take it as easy as you can during the coming days. That would be how you would treat someone you loved who you knew was going through the same, isn't it? It will get better. All I can add, is that it takes time unfortunately. Dee x

#25 Dec 24 - 11PM

ReclaimingPower

(((Hugs)))

Oh walking_on_sunshine, sending you so much love and comfort right now. I went through the same thing after I was initially starting to go through a strong peak and someone wonderful on here told me that the flashbacks begin to surface when you are strong enough to handle it. I think they said it was part of cognitive dissonance and the healing process. Before you weren't ready to handle it, but these memories are repressed and have to be released. It would have crushed you before but at this stage you are a mess (yes) but can go through and embrace the pain, and release it. The flashbacks will get less and less and will not be as impactful. I also like to think of it like the universe coming in and lifting up the cobwebs of my soul and sweeping out all the dust and grime underneath. You are embracing self love, doing all the right things -- removing the N from your life, cooking a turkey, baking cookies, taking good care of yourself so your soul is working in unison with you to get rid of the inner GUCK too. Soon, your light will shine brighter and you will have an inner glow and a calmness and quiet strength that will turn heads. It sucks like Hell, but it's not forever...sending much love, comfort and strength. xoxoxox

#26 Dec 25 - 4AM (Reply to #2)

walking_on_sunshine

Hes empty

Thanks for the replies. I managed to sleep for 4 hrs but unfortunatly woke up at 4 am. I suspect if I dont fall back asleep soon this crying jag will happen again but hopefully not and hopefully i fall back to sleep in a bit. Im mad at myself. Mad that I stayed and tried so hard with him because I knew all the red flags, I was aware that he was abusive yet I kept making excuses for him. Ive known in the past what it feels like to be devalued but Ive never stayed until the sick bitter end to be fully discarded. With him, I went all the way until I was absolutly fully discarded. Im left without dignity, self respect, I was begging for him to stop, pathetic, fully damaged, crying for mercy, without hope, totally slanderd ,disrespected, dismantled. Ive known in the past what it feels like to be with an N asshole that doesn't care about anything, but Ive never known what it feels like when you really feel the other person is enjoying seeing you hurt as he did. Its like, there is evil.. and then there is holy shit evil. I honestly cant see myself ever wanting to date anyone ever again. Boxing day I'm changing my cell number and I don't care what he does with my mail, he can throw it out for all I care. I'm going 100% NC, none of this ocassional contact to get my mail. I just want January to come so I can start the trauma therapy program and get clean of this horror. I cant believe all that he has done, its so bad and Im so embarassed, I dont even talk about most of the cruel things Ive endured. The last time i spoke with him I too ended up in fetal position on the kitchen floor whaling. I know its cliche but it was the vampire analogy again... I was simply left lifeless,, and the sick part, is that, it was a good day. Ive been left in so much worse condition from his abuse. ok stop now... flashbacks, yuck, I so hate this creature. Goonight xoxo and thanks for listening

#27 Dec 25 - 10AM (Reply to #3)

Done sourcing

WOS, you nailed it so well.

WOS, you nailed it so well. "Its like, there is evil.. and then there is holy shit evil." The holy shit evil ends you up on the floor, fetalistic and fallen. Been there, so lost and so devastated. But not anymore because I learned, and then grew and healed. "I've never known what it feels like when you really feel the other person is enjoying seeing you hurt as he did." I know that one as well. It was probably as powerful a feeling as a Narc can get, and we gave that feeling to them. Nc will stop that from ever happening again! ds

#28 Dec 25 - 10PM (Reply to #4)

walking_on_sunshine

Thanks xoxo

Just wanted to say thanks to you guys for being there for me over the past 48 hrs. I may crack again, I may not. Right now I feel ok. Memories are still lurking under my subconsious though, mostly of his dememted marriage proposal. I think its next to deal with This has been my experience, Its like I almost think about a memory, but it comes to mind without the associated feeling behind it and then quickly my mind thinks of something else. After that happens a few times over a period of hrs to days, eventually at some point when it comes to mind it finally comes with the associated feeling and then it stays and it just about kills me. After I cry for a few hrs on and off, then I'm able to think about it again with the associated feeling but without crying, however it still really hurts. This is really a totally new experience. Cant say Ive ever experienced anything like it.This man really did a number on my psyche.It scares me to be honest.Its like a virus of the mind.I feel like my mind went into an emergency mode Ive never experienced. Like It hit maximum capacity and it went to a backup plan or something. The capabilities of the mind to deal with and sort out trauma totally amaze me. I guess being hardwired to fix things may have benefited me after all lol. J/K. I do feel though that if I ride this out, it will ease up. Again, thanks for listening, and greatly appreciated.

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